TexAggie1 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I apologize in advance for the length of this note. I included a lot of detail to better understand my situation.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]My ex (we’ll call her Jenn) and I dated for a 1 year until a month ago, when she broke things off. I dated a girl (we’ll call her Kristy)off and on for 6 years previous to meeting Jenn. The last few years with Kristy were more of a friendship to me, but she always wanted to be back together. I do a lot of travelling with my job, so I wasn’t home much when we dated. There were multiple reasons why Kristy and I didn’t work out, but mostly because she has a very extreme temper and would constantly accuse me of things I wasn’t doing. When I met Jenn a little over a year ago, I knew I needed to end that relationship with Kristy…but was hesitant as I had a good idea how she would react. I didn’t want to bring any unneeded drama into my new relationship and push Jenn away, so I decided NOT to tell Kristy that I “found someone” and to try to end it my way. Jenn noticed that some of Kristy’s stuff was in my house, tends to collect a bit when dating for 6 years. She obviously had a problem with this, and wanted it out. Every time I’d bring the subject up to Kristy, she would get upset and come up with excuses why she couldn’t pick it up. Jenn became very frustrated with me, telling me to be more aggressive. While Jenn and I were in our beginning stages of dating, I did see Kristy a few times…thanksgiving day for a race, and on Christmas. As Jenn and I were getting much more exclusive, Kristy began to contact me very upset, crying…and ultimately threatening her own life. I doubted it was real, but I didn’t know how to react…so I would email/text her “I love you”, “I care about you” type messages to calm her down. Six months into my new relationship, Kristy and I hardly talked and Jenn and I have fallen for each other. Then…Jenn gets a facebook message from Kristy (unknown how she found out), forwards all the emails, text messages I had send her, tells her she spent Christmas with me at my parents. VERY uncomfortable…but I deserved it as I didn’t handle any of that situation right.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]That was 7 months ago, and since then I put Kristy’s stuff in a storage unit and I haven’t talked/seen her since. Jenn and I’s relationship has been incredible. She’s met all my friends and family, and vise versa. All parties love the both of us. We talked about marriage, kids, where to live, etc. A few months before we broke up, she moved to my city for a new job and because of me. She temporarily moved in until her apartment lease was up from her previous location. She asked me if she could permanently move in, but I declined. My reasons were I had done the “move in thing” before, and it blew up in my face. Also, I’ve been preparing to move out of my house, so I thought it silly to move all her stuff in, then turn around and move it all out again. She found an apartment shortly thereafter. After that, she changed in her interactions with me. I questioned her on it, then she requested we not talk for what turned out to be 10 days. When we came back together, it wasn’t a discussion…more of a results talk. She loves me very much, but can not trust me from what happened 7 months ago. She believes if she can’t trust me after 7 months, she never will. Over the last month since the break up, she’s sent me mixed signals…telling me she “loves me, misses me”, then “we need to stop communicating”. A few weeks ago was the last “positive” text I received, then she became very cold to me. The last time we communicated was a week ago. I told her to stop being stubborn and run the thanksgiving race with me. Her text back was “I’m not being stubborn, I’m being realistic. We’re broken up. I’m not running with you, I’m not spending the holidays with you. I’m done”. Later that night I was about to leave dinner with friends when I received another text. Jenn let me know she moved the rest of her stuff out of my house, and where she left my key. I had hoped I was there when she did this, and the restaurant I was at is close to her apartment…so I went over there and literally arrived the same time she did. She was upset I met her there, didn’t want much to do with me. I left, the received the last text “I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s obvious we can’t salvage a friendship at this point. You need to leave me alone. Good luck to you.” I’ve NEVER said one negative thing to her, and have no idea where that came from. I haven’t attempted to contact her since. I’m currently very depressed as to how quickly she has turned a 180 on me in a matter of a month. My head says move on, my heart says stay the course. I’m curious what is going on in her head…is she really done? …is she confused? …is this just a defense mechanism to give her space? [/FONT][/sIZE]
Eddie Edirol Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Listen to your head. She wants nothing to do with you. Your heart will always want to stay the course because thats the instinct. Trust me, she isnt even leading you on anymore, she is getting creeped out by you now, and that wont help your case. Leave her be. 1
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 All the "negative" messages and me going to her place happened on the same day, a week before Thanksgiving. One week earlier she was sending me "I love you, I miss you, I'm thinking about you" messages. I always respected her request of no contact over the past month, but she ALWAYS reached out to me...not vise versa. See where my confusion is?
Eddie Edirol Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 All the "negative" messages and me going to her place happened on the same day, a week before Thanksgiving. One week earlier she was sending me "I love you, I miss you, I'm thinking about you" messages. I always respected her request of no contact over the past month, but she ALWAYS reached out to me...not vise versa. See where my confusion is? Well of course. But her last message to you was for you to stop contacting her. So leave her be. BTW, be prepared for her to contact you again, but she will only do it out of lonliness, maybe for an emotional boost, but dont answer her, she doesnt want to get back with you, unless she specifically says so. She could still miss you, but not romantically.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Over the last month of our breakup, she has communicated to me that EVERYTHING makes since for us to be together...except the trust issue. She has had a pretty bad past of family, friends, and boyfriends hurting her in some dramatic ways. I think a lot of that is being brought into the trust issues she has.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Dude, stay away. Let her be. If you push the issue, it's going to be bad.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 @Simon... As I've said, I've ALWAYS stopped contacting her when she requested...but she would continue to reach out to me. I haven't attempted to contact her since the last message she sent. Tempting to reach out to her? YES...but I won't. I know I'm only making it worse if I do. The hardest part is deciding what to do or say if she tries contacting ME again.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 @Simon... As I've said, I've ALWAYS stopped contacting her when she requested...but she would continue to reach out to me. I haven't attempted to contact her since the last message she sent. Tempting to reach out to her? YES...but I won't. I know I'm only making it worse if I do. The hardest part is deciding what to do or say if she tries contacting ME again. Nothing at all. Let it be.
TaraMaiden Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Read the all-new caliguy contact guide in my signature. WHY she keeps contacting you, is fully explained. Why you should never respond, reply, react or show any interest whatsoever - is also explained. WHEN you should - is important. Until you get the apology and the entreaty to please forgive her and could she try again - EVERY SINGLE LITTLE WORD FROM HER is simply B-R-E-A-D-C-R-U-M-B-S. 1
Chi townD Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Dude, with the "positive" texts you were getting from her was her pulling on the leash to see if the dog was still there. She was probably feeling down and needed an ego boost. And you probably responded to those texts with things she wanted to hear to boost her ego. Once she got what she wanted...you were disposable....kick to the curb. SO! if you ever get another one of those....ignore it. If you get a text stating that she sorry how she talked with you the last time she saw you. IGNORE IT! You are not her doormat. Now, how you handle the relationship was screwed up. But, learn from your mistakes and apply them to your next relationship. If "Kathy" sends you a text stating that she's going to hurt herself. Then you forward that text to her folks or you call and ambulance to go to her location to check up on her. She's not your problem anymore. 1
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 The odd part about all this is she was not confident that I loved her as she did throughout our relationship. I remember conversations where she would tell me to not hurt her (this is after 7 months ago), and she would be so sad if I ever left. I get that she feels as if I'm not committed to her after some of the decisions I've made, but look who actually left...and who is still hanging on. ...and I still haven't contacted her.
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 It sounds to me as if she has extreme self-esteem issues. And maybe dumped you, before (she imagined) you could dump her. She's reluctant to let you move on though, because you're like the proverbial 'security blanket' soft place to fall guy. ...and I still haven't contacted her. Good move. Keep it up....
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 It sounds to me as if she has extreme self-esteem issues. And maybe dumped you, before (she imagined) you could dump her. She's reluctant to let you move on though, because you're like the proverbial 'security blanket' soft place to fall guy. She had a terrible childhood, doesn't have any family accept her mom and her sister. She doesn't get along with her mom well, and her sister is a bit of a flake. She's been married before, where he was an alcoholic and gambled all her nursing school money away. She has told me she doesn't trust ANYONE accept her best friend that lives states away. That baggage that she brought into our relationship is what is ultimately killing it. I say this as although what I did was wrong and I did lie about it, I don't justify it reasons to break the entire thing off. Now, for whatever reason, she is just bitter at me...based on our last week of communication.
TaraMaiden Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Understatement of the week? "She desperately needs therapy". She's just going to self-sabotage for the remainder of her natural life, otherwise.....
GorillaTheater Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Forget her, brother, and turn your mind to the Cotton Bowl. Gig 'em. 1
Pinkbutterflybarbie Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Well I think the moral of the story is not to get involved with another person before ending it with the other. I've been on both sides of it and neither of it is a nice feeling so I can totally understand why she feels she can't trust you.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) Understatement of the week? "She desperately needs therapy". She's just going to self-sabotage for the remainder of her natural life, otherwise..... She was seeing a counceler before she moved to my city a few months back. Forget her, brother, and turn your mind to the Cotton Bowl. Gig 'em. I'm in love with her, literally was getting ready to start looking at rings in the spring. She had me convinced she felt the same way. That's why I'm having a hard time forgetting her and giving up. I was just looking at tickets on stubhub today! Saturday night at the Downtown Athletic Club should be fun to watch. Edited December 4, 2012 by TexAggie1 1
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 (edited) I am pretty good friends with her previous roomate. Jenn talked to her about her and I's relationship quite a bit. She talked to me several times this past week about everything, got my perspective on things. She talked to Jenn last night, and this is what I got back from her: "She's not dating anyone. She said she didn't want to revisit it. She said she is done with everything. Same thing she said to you. She can't get over it." I don't know why she has so much hostility...as if I abused her. This is like a knife in deeper. I still feel like I need to be patient, no contact, and wait out this sudden anger. Am I a fool? Edited December 5, 2012 by TexAggie1
TaraMaiden Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Yes you are, if you're holding on to any hope of a second chance. Big Mistake. Let things go quiet between you, and resist all and every temptation to contact her, or in fact respond to absolutely ANY effort by her, to contact you. At All. Remember: Motive. What is her motive, her reason for contacting you at all? Is it to tell you her house burnt down and she's homeless? Then reply. For all other reasons, except a true and sincere approach to reconciliation - IGNORE.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Yes you are, if you're holding on to any hope of a second chance. Big Mistake. Let things go quiet between you, and resist all and every temptation to contact her, or in fact respond to absolutely ANY effort by her, to contact you. At All. Remember: Motive. What is her motive, her reason for contacting you at all? If you read the last contact she sent me 2 weeks ago, plus the conversation she had with her ex roomie last night...it leaves the impression that I won't ever be hearing from her again. I do HOPE I do as she has been pretty inconsistant over the last month, I think that's just natural. Even if I was tempted to contact her, I wouldn't even know what to say at this point due to how undeservingly cold she's been.
TaraMaiden Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 You can only ever hope to have a stable and undramatic relationship with her, when you feel benign indifference to her existence. You wish her well, but frankly, you can take her or leave her, it makes no difference to your life, you're happy. While this "will-she-won't-she", "does-she-doesn't-she" state continues, you will never move on, you will never get over her, and your life will falter, come to a stop and stagnate while you hang around on the periphery, "hoping". Ugh. In the meantime, many opportunities to cement a solid future for yourself with someone else, will pass you by. Only - you won't know what you're missing, because you're hanging your hopes on an "unlikely" whilke ignoring all the wonderful 'possibles' out there. Like I said - you really need to go 100% No Contact, if you ever want to move things to a more satisfactory level, for yourself.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 Is it normal to still be in depression a month and a half into a break up as if it was day 1? (there was a lot of communication from her during that time period, positive and negative) If there is any change of heart by the other party, does that usually happen within a certain time period?
TaraMaiden Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Listen very carefully: You did not break up a month-and-a-half ago. You 'broke up' from the last time you spoke to her. This is because your heart is still ruling your head, and you still have strong feelings for her. So every time you see her, you reawaken your affections, and break your heart all over again. So actually, you haven't been 'broken up' for any time at all.... The only time you can say with any definition or truth, that you have broken up - is when you go No Contact - and steadfastly, resolutely stick to it. For good.
Author TexAggie1 Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 So 3 weeks ago she's "I miss you more than you could possibly miss me, I'm lonely, I'm sad about all this"...a week later she sends her last messages, which were pretty damn harsh (not a good conversation). So you are saying we actually broke up 2 weeks ago although I haven't seen her in a month? I think I do get what your saying, because it hurt all over again when I got those messages after the previous ones. I forgot to add...her ex roomie told me about 3 weeks after Jenn approached me about breaking things off, she talked to her about second guessing herself...that maybe she made a mistake. Not sure if that means much now considering where things are currently.
TaraMaiden Posted December 5, 2012 Posted December 5, 2012 Ok, look, now you're just going round in circles, and ripping the bandage off, and making it painful again. So I will just tell you this. It's never about what they do or say. It's all about how you react to it. And how you (should) react to it, is to ignore it, put it all to one side, go No Contact and concentrate on living life to the full without her, without talking to her, without checking up on her, without discussing her with others, without any form of contact, verbal, visual, physical or anything else. No Contact. Stop chewing everything over in your head. Go No Contact. full stop, period, end of story. Quit yabbering about everything and anything. Quit asking questions, because the only logical and sensible answer to all and any question is: Ignore, go - and stay - No contact. Is that clear, now....?
Recommended Posts