First love

[Lucy1989]

So here's my story:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. We met at university when he was in his first year and when I was in my final year. I am at law school in London now and he is in his final year of university. The past 18 months have been amazing and we fell head over heels in love with each other, and everything just fell into place so easily. We were both each other's first love. He was the first to tell me that he loved me, and I knew that it was real when he did. His family lives in London so he's in London with me for half of the year, but when he was at unviersity we did the long-distance thing - we would talk everyday and have long skype chats, and I would visit him every few weeks. This summer we went travelling for a month and things were great - we didn't argue and got along really well. In September we were already making plans for next summer and he invited me on his family holiday this christmas, and he was really keen for me to come.

 

But then he went back to university in October. After a few weeks of not seeing me he told me that he was having commitment issues. He said he felt like we were settling down and that he was too young to settle down (he's 20). I told him that we definitely aren't settling down and that we're both young etc but he felt like we were going to be together forever and never break up, and that scared him. He said that I was the perfect girlfriend and that he just wished that he had met me a few years later. We were really happy together: we have so many in-jokes and we do such silly things together, and we talk about nothing for hours. But he said that he felt like he needed to have other experiences of other relationships before he could settle. I was quite surprised by this because things were so good between us and we never argued or anything, and he often used to talk about our future together in a light-hearted manner - about things like what we would name our children, where we would live, etc.

 

When I went up to visit him a few days after he told me about this we had a really great weekend together and by the end of it he said that his concerns were gone. But when I left they started to come back. But after skype sessions where we would talk about nothing and be silly in the way that we do, he would realise that he doesn't want to lose me.

 

And then he cheated on me and drunkenly slept with someone else. He threw up a lot that night and doesn't really remember what happened. He told me immediately after the next morning. He was crying a lot and he felt awful. He thought that I would break up with him but I decided to give him another chance because I love him a lot. Obviously I was devastated but I went to visit him again after it had happened, and I told him that I could forgive him, and we still managed to have fun together that weekend and talk as openly and candidly as always. I was doing really well at putting it behind us and moving on. As Christmas is coming up and we would have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together, we agreed that we would work on things over Christmas. I thought that spending time together again would fix things, as it's always when he hasn't seen me for a while that he starts to have commitment issues.

 

But then a few days ago he cheated on me again. A girl that fancies him kissed him and he pulled away soon after. And then he decided to break up with me after that, listing all the commitment reasons that I gave above. He said that he thought that it was the right thing to do. Me taking him back after he cheated scared him because it made him think that my love was unconditional - and hence we would never break up. I also do a lot for him - Last year I wrote his job applications and gave him hours of help with interviews to get him a job at a law firm (because I've been through the process myself), and whenever we're together I always do the cooking and tidying, and just little things like that. He said that he doesn't know if we'll get back together in the future, but that if it's meant to be then we will get back together.

 

I tried talking to him yesterday but he was cold and distant towards me. He told me that he can't have any contact with me right now, and that being friends will take a long time. I just miss him and I want him back, and not having any contact with him is killing me. I love him so much and if he needs time apart from me to grow up and realise that being single isn't all that great then I have no choice but to give it to him, but I just hope that he'll come back to me. He finishes university in June and so he won't have girls throwing themselves at him on nights out anymore, and his life will change a lot. He'll be in London at law school like me, and we both have jobs lined up in the City so everything is perfectly lined up for the future. We both went to the same university and studied the same subject, and we met through a sports club, and we're doing the same career, so we just have so much in common. I don't think I'll find that again with anyone else. I know that he hasn't treated me well but our relationship was so wonderful that I could forgive and forget.

 

In short, I just want him back. Is it best to give him space away from me to give him a chance to miss what we had? I had hoped that we could still be best friends and sever our relationship from our friendship... is this possible?

 

All my friends have told me that I need to get over him and move on, but it's not that easy when you're in love.

[movingon12]

I'm sorry but does this make it clearer?

 

So here's my story:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months now.

 

After a few weeks of not seeing me he told me that he was having commitment issues. He said he felt like we were settling down and that he was too young to settle down (he's 20).

 

but he felt like we were going to be together forever and never break up, and that scared him.

 

he said that he felt like he needed to have other experiences of other relationships before he could settle.

 

And then he cheated on me and drunkenly slept with someone else.

 

But then a few days ago he cheated on me again.

 

then he decided to break up with me after that, listing all the commitment reasons that I gave above. He said that he thought that it was the right thing to do.

 

Me taking him back after he cheated scared him because it made him think that my love was unconditional - and hence we would never break up.

 

I tried talking to him yesterday but he was cold and distant towards me.

 

He told me that he can't have any contact with me right now, and that being friends will take a long time.

 

I know that he hasn't treated me well .

[itsmyfault]

I'd like to give you some advice.

 

Your relationship sounds exactly like mine was, I did holidays to her house 4 times, for about 12 weeks in total, We spent loads of time together.

 

I felt how your Ex felt about you. Like I could do anything and be forgiven.

I kinda hated that feeling to. I never acted on it, I never wanted to, Although i maybe could have done something, hurting her was the last thing on my mind.

 

I too felt like I was settling down at 20! Some people do, but he needs to find himself.

 

This looks like GIGS, He will be just as confused as you are, I'm sure he Loves you to bits, If you love him you should set him free, let him grow and breathe.

 

Im not condoning his actions BTW.

[Lucy1989]

Thanks for your reply

Did you ever regret your decision to break up with ex/try to get back together?

[itsmyfault]

Hi,

 

Yes after 2 months I tired to get her back, She was already seeing someone else.

 

He may never want you back though..

 

I haven't spoken to her in over 2 weeks and I'm going to keep going that way, If we are not together we are not at all, Unfortunately thats how most break ups end. The chance you could be friends is as he said, not going to happen for a long time.

 

TBH Just go NC, Although you feel like poo now, In two months, Just like my ex you might have found someone who wants to be with you.

[Lucy1989]

Did you go NC immediately after the break-up too? I feel like that's the best way of showing him that I'm strong and independent and my love isn't unconditional. Even though it will obviously be the hardest.

 

Did you go out lots and date other girls in the two months after the split? I think he needs to do that to realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side.

[itsmyfault]

When I broke up with my Ex I told her we shouldn't talk, So we didn't.

well not much anyway.

 

NC is honestly the best way, Trust me. Although I broke up with her, when she wouldn't take me back it crushed me. I continued to speak to her to try and just be friends, But really you don't adjust to the lack of care that person has for you now.

 

I've been over 2 weeks NC now and im feeling so much better, its been 4 months since we split, I can easily see if I keep this up I will be fine after Xmas.

 

Urm... No I didn't date at all before the 2 months, For some reason I just couldn't, I felt wrong doing it.

 

Tbh although I lost the girl I love I don't think I've been happier, Im having so much fun with my life.

 

Please don't wait for him, Have more self respect, If he could cheat on you, he doesn't deserve the love you have from him. Don't play GAMES, You will just get hurt more in the long run.

 

TBH, I don't think he broke it off because he felt guilty, I think he broke it off because he wanted to do it again without hurting you.

 

I know its horrible to hear but it's something that is probably true.

[Lucy1989]

While he didn't want to hurt me anymore I do think that he felt guilt too - he was crying a lot (and he never cries) when he first cheated and he said that he loved me and that he would never do it again.

 

He's got a group of friends at university who are all single and go out a lot drinking and getting with girls, and I know that he'll be in that environment so it's inevitable that he'll end up doing it too (peer pressure and whatnot). Interestingly he has been out with them since we broke up but he didn't do anything as far as I am aware... but then again we only broke up last week.

[imstatic]

Something similar happened to me while I was in college. I had doubts if I wanted to be with my former gf. We got along fine, studied the same career, with the same courses and even the same teachers. I felt young, wanted to explore life and felt the relationship monotonous.

 

The difference was, I ended it before I started going out with other girls. Even though I tried to do things right without breaking her feelings, she eventually found out I was dating and got extremely sad and upset. She had a hard time dealing with it, but eventually moved on. So should you...

[Lucy1989]

I will try to move on, I genuinely will. But I don't think that I will find anything that compares to our relationship anytime soon. He said that I'm perfect and that he wishes that he'd met me a few years later so I can't let go of the idea that we will be together some day.

[itsmyfault]

I wish I'd met my ex later in life, We had a fantastic relationship.

She soon got over it though, As I'm sure you will also. your relationship sounds so similar to mine though.

 

TBH, I would never be with someone who cheated, No matter how guilty they felt after.

 

If they can cheat once, they can cheat again and again and again.

 

Think of it like this, If you are genuinely meant to be together one day you will be. If you never reconnect, Well then it never was. TBH my Ex always said the we had something so different from her other Ex's, something special, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She even once said that if we went through a rough patch she'd wait.

 

I can tell you now she didn't, Word are words, In the moment they mean something, But can you REALLY ever trust someone? I know I don't 100% trust people. I now see all of the stuff she said as stupid little words she used to try and describe her love for me, We won't reconnect, Why? because I wont let us. Simple.

[Lucy1989]

I can forgive the cheating though - I believe that that people can genuinely change and I believe that he is a good person at heart. He is just very confused right now and it was a self-destructive act.

 

We used to joke about breaking up too... we said that if we ever did break up he'd show up at my door one day and we'd leave whoever we were dating at the time and be together. I never thought it would actually happen like this. If we were arguing a lot or our paths were going in different directions I could understand it, but that just wasn't the case. I don't know how I will ever be able to trust what anyone tells me again after this. I have texts from him only 3 days before he broke up with me saying that he loved me. It doesn't make sense.... I don't doubt that he did love me but I guess sometimes love isn't enough.

[itsmyfault]

You seem to be taking it extremely well!

 

It's up to you at the end of the day, You can wait around for him or you can move on with your life and find happiness else where.

 

If you don't go NC though you are going to hurt every single day.

[Lucy1989]

I'm not taking it that well... I'm still harbouring a deep-rooted desire to get back together with him!! I just know that won't happen for at least a few months so I need to concentrate on getting through the next few months. And if I can get through the next few months things will be easier by then.

 

I got a notification on my phone this evening informing me that someone had tried to access my fb account from an unrecognized device. I set up this feature after we broke up so I would know if he tried to log into my fb. I'm 99% sure it was him as he is the only person who knows my password, and because his address matches the address the log-on attempt was made from. As he broke up with me and he is the one who wants to cut me out of his life and go NC, why is he trying to log into my fb?!

[na49]

Wants to check up on you because he is a controlling jerk. Don't let him! Change your password.

 

Also I know you still want him back, but don't tell yourself "he'll be back in a few months, I just need to wait" Don't wait for him, if you have any plans on getting better you'll live your life without him and no expectations or any thoughts relating to him. IF one day he comes knocking you'll be much better and make a decision based on what your brain says instead of your heart and emotions.

[Lucy1989]

Why does he want to check up on me? I keep hoping that it is because he is thinking about me and missing me.... when I look at his fb it is because I am looking for a glimmer of hope that he is missing me and beginning to regret his decision.

[na49]

We all hope that our exes miss us. The reality is that they probably don't. Or they don't miss us enough to want to deal with us anymore. If he is regretting his decision he will tell you. Until he does, get rid of any false hopes that he is because you'll never get better if you're waiting for him to come back.

[itsmyfault]

This is how I plan on dealing with my next relationship should it end, Whether I be the dumper or the dumpee.

 

Dumper - Go NC and stay that way, It would be nice to stay friends but it isn't fair on the Dumpee.

 

Dumpee - Go NC, Should your Ex decide they want you back in 2 months you

A) would have healed and moved on or B) Will be able to make an informed decision on whether to take them back or not.

 

If cheating was involved, No matter how sorry they were I honestly believe cheats do not deserve a second chance.

[Lucy1989]

Thanks for your advice - I'm going NC while tying to get out/meet new people. The only problem is we decided when we broke up to meet up before christmas to exchange stuff.... do you think this is too soon? Should I ask him to drop my stuff off at my house when I'm not there?

[itsmyfault]

Do not meet, it will still be too raw.

 

Get him to either mail it or drop it off when you are out.