I'm lost - Is it possible to get her back?

[Krue]

Hi Loveshack, (I am sorry that this post is going to be long - but i'm really lost at the moment. I would really appreciate some input from you lovely people in how I should deal with this, and I think information is important so you can make an accurate judgement) i've lurked for a long time - not really that great at giving advice but thought i'd register. I've been going through a tough time for the past 6 weeks since my ex dumped me.

 

We dated for 2.5 yrs, we were each others first long-term relationship and 'true love', she is also the only girl I have ever been intimate with. She just turned 26 a couple of days ago and i'm 24.

 

This year has been absolutely horrible, my dad was critically ill in hospital for 6 weeks April through May, my university has made things as difficult for me as possible, my own health has not been the best - although i've finally been diagnosed with something and am feeling a lot better with proper treatment, she moved out with a friend I never got a long with who always tried to cause problems between my ex and I. My ex was great through a lot of these things, I could see myself marrying her one day if we get through this, and we had spoke of marriage and children quite a few times.

 

I hit rock bottom for a few months (around August-October), I was very depressed and finding everything a struggle. We still had a lot of great times but my life felt like it was in limbo. This really affected our relationship as I wanted to move out with her next year once I graduate and get a full time job. The university screwed me over one day in October and I had had enough, I drank a whole bottle of spirits, and had organised already to see her after she finished her nightshift/graveyard at work. It wasn't good. I had to keep getting up to spew when she was trying to sleep after a long night at work. I didn't want to talk about what was wrong because I knew i'd get angry. Because I didn't want to talk about it, she then started to get angry. I eventually told her what was up, to which she snapped back, being very tired and frustrated with how I was acting. I lost it. I yelled at her and told her to f-off multiple times. I left. I ignored her calls for the rest of that day. The next day she broke up with me.

 

She started off saying she needs a break and to 'find herself again'. But that she could see us possibly together in the future. She also said the break will do me good. It actually has. I've taken a lot of steps in my own life to become more happier and my goals are back on track with University - i'll be finished by February next year, not September this year but oh well. I'm in a 300% better place than I was August-October.

 

I chased her for the first week and a half, trying to get her back, talking on the phone for hours to her, giving her flowers and letters, etc. It didn't work. We met up to go bowling + dinner, which was fun but awkward, and we ended up having sex on a golf course. She said she wants to be friends with benefits, then changed her mind. I know I made a mistake in doing those things. She said she needed space, so I obliged - She then contacted me 10 days later. I thought this was a good sign. We organised to meet up - which was November 22nd. She basicly said she doesn't want to be in a relationship at the moment and that she thinks we could go out again in the future "If it works out in the future that would be great, if not, oh well". She also said she wants to be life long friends at least and she couldn't imagine her life with out me. She said she would understand if I couldn't do it, as I obviously still had lots of feelings for her. I have been N/C since then, even though it was her birthday on November 30th. I did say on the 22nd "Happy birthday if I don't see or talk to you on your birthday" and gave her a big hug. So Idon't think she can be too mad about it.

 

I'm going away for 2 weeks for a hospital placement Dec 9-21. She said before she knew I was working on getting my placements "Maybe we can get back together when you have placements". (This was late october)

 

What should I do? I really love her and I miss everything we did. We were best friends as well as lovers.

Thanks guys, I appreciate any help .

 

P.S I still have her on facebook after I removed her on October 26th and the next time we spoke she said it hurt that I removed her and to please re-add her.

I saw photos from her birthday and she wasn't wearing the necklace I bought her that she wore everyday, and the following day when she was with family she was wearing another different necklace. This hurt me a little, I wonder if she's still wearing her 2 year anniv bracelet like I am..

Edited December 2, 2012 by Krue
Added info

[denxnis]

First off sorry to hear you are going through some rough patches.

 

I too am going through something similar and find that giving advice is a lot easier than it is to take. Regardless - from a logical perspective here is what I would say to you if we were best buds.

 

Ask yourself, does she know that I love and care for her? If you answered yes then it is time to begin no contact (NC).

 

By pushing her for an answer/solution you will most likely make your situation worst.I know it is very tough but the best thing you can do right now is give her some breathing room and let her figure things out on her own. My ex-gf also had a ring I bought her that she wore everyday, she doesn't wear it anymore... It was a huge blow.

 

You can't force love, if she really cares about you then she will realize what she has lost and come back to you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually she will realize what she has lost and come back; that is if she really cared about you and wasn't in a relationship for her own selfish needs.

[Krue]

Thank you for your response . I hope your situation improves, it's really tough going through this and I never truly understood it until now.

 

Things are definitely getting better for my own life, but it is just real tough that I can't share it with her now.

 

She certainly does know I love and care for her - She doesn't know what she wants though and said she doesn't want a relationship at the moment. As she said "I don't want a relationship right now I need to find myself - We may end up back together and that would be great".

 

I did push her, which was bad, I've since changed my tone and am trying to work on things slowly. Nothing seems to be working. I think not texting her for her birthday has made her very angry with me, I sent her a text 8 hours ago and she hasn't responded, she would always respond within 5 minutes. I text her "Hope you had a good birthday, did you still want to catch up sometime this week?" - I'm going away this Sunday for 2 weeks for placement, which she doesn't know. This is something that has troubled our relationship - the issues with my university. It's a great step for myself and possibly for us if we do try again.

 

I know that texting her was a bad idea and I should just stay N/C, but I really wanted to see her and tell her about my placement information etc, as for the first month of the break up she was constantly asking about it. We've only talked a few times in the past 2 weeks, but that's okay.

 

I think one day she will want me back when she realises, but i'm not sure if i'll want her back by that stage. That's what scares me. This whole process has really hurt me - although it certainly has made me improve things for myself and to become what I deserve to be - and changed bad habits - but she has taken it far beyond 'self improvement' - what does she have to improve in herself now? I have my wheels in motion for what we both want next year. I just wish she would be honest with me if it is truly over rather than string me along. That's what makes it hard for me.