Need perspective on this guy I'm seeing

[naviis]

I'm a bit confused about the guy I am currently dating.

 

We met online 2/3 months ago and have been seeing each other since. He generally texts me every day and we see each other once a week.

 

We haven't talked about being exclusive -- the closest we ever got to "defining" the relationship was him asking me on like date no. 4 "do you see this going somewhere?" (to which we both said yes) and a couple of weeks later when we were talking about online dating he bounced off something I said to tell me he hadn't seen anyone else since our first date together (for the record I did not interpret that as a promise of exclusivity, more like a status update).

 

In the past couple of weeks he's started mentioning things like going away for the weekend and me joining him and his lot for New Year's Eve, but in parallel he has been texting less and this is the 3rd weekend in a row where I've had zero news from him (despite me texting him).

 

Earlier this week we were discussing our plans for the weekend and I told him I was going to a gig with some friends. I didn’t invite him to join us because he had just said he was going to his sister's that evening, but he joked about it being “my way of saying I wanted him to come along” and offered to swing by, which I thought was great (this meant we’d see each other more than once in one week, a first, which we then joked about as well).

 

The gig was last night – we hadn’t decided on a time and place to meet, and I thought I'd give him time to contact me for the details because I knew he had a big night out the previous night and would probably be hungover ; so I wasn’t expecting him to be up till mid afternoon. I tried calling him around 6pm thinking it was a decent enough time, but he didn't pick up, nor did he call back. Our plans weren't set in stone, I wouldn't even call them plans, but it still felt like I'd been stood up when the evening was over and I hadn’t heard anything from him. I know him to be quite absent-minded so I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot about the gig, but surely he’d have seen my phone call since?

 

Now here's the situation I'm in: I like him. I like how things have been going between us (i.e. slow and steady). BUT I feel like he's been screwing it up a bit lately: what happened last night is just an example and there are a gazillion possibilities as to why he hasn’t returned my call in this particular case, but overall I would usually interpret his attitude as him simply losing interest. What confuses me is that on the other hand he's become much more affectionate with me and suggesting new things for dates centered around things he knows I like and/or we have in common (and followed through on those suggestions). I'm not making much of the getaway and NYE invites because those are still words as of yet, but his actions seem to say he likes me and cares about me.

 

Now I am totally aware that I am very probably overthinking this. I guess what I need from you guys is 1) perspective 2) advice on how to approach discussing this with him -- I feel I like him enough to need to know whether we are on the same page about what we are doing here.

 

Thoughts?

[mesmerized]

It certainly sounds like he is seeing someone. His disappearing on weekends is a big sign for that.

[Cutiepie1976]

You'd not overthinking things.

 

If a guy is getting absent-minded about dating you--calling/texting less frequently, isn't dating you as often, etc.--one of two things is generally happening: he's losing interest or he's gotten extremely busy at work, etc. Usually it's the former.

 

Communicate and figure out where you are going with all of this.

[naviis]

Thanks for replying.

 

It has crossed my mind that he might still be dating. I know we haven't promised each other anything but I think I'd be hurt if that was the case.

 

Right now I'm a bit like an ostrich with its head in the ground, avoiding confronting him about all this because I am so worried what the answer is going to be. I know it doesn't do me any good, and I should probably try him again today -- I don't want him to think I'm fine with him going MIA like this.

Ideally I'd like to talk to him face to face about this.

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks for replying.

 

It has crossed my mind that he might still be dating. I know we haven't promised each other anything but I think I'd be hurt if that was the case.

 

Right now I'm a bit like an ostrich with its head in the ground, avoiding confronting him about all this because I am so worried what the answer is going to be. I know it doesn't do me any good, and I should probably try him again today -- I don't want him to think I'm fine with him going MIA like this.

Ideally I'd like to talk to him face to face about this.

Find out ASAP. I know you might be dreading the answer to the question, but you need to find out as soon as possible so that you wouldn't waste any more time/energy/emotions on this.

[Car10e]

Hi, I am in the exact situation as you. Me and the guy I'm seeing talked constantly throughout the day when we first started seeing each other. He sent me cute texts in the morning, and pretty much through out the whole day. Now, almost 3 months later, communication has died down. I have gone 2 days without talking to him.

 

The same thing happened to me. I asked him to hang out, and he literally just ignored my invite. Next morning, I get a text from him acting like it never even happened. This made me feel horrible and I started to think he was losing interest. So I asked him. He assured me he wasn't, and said he's comfortable with me and doesn't feel the need to talk to me constantly throughout the day.

 

Men think differently than women, that is why we tend to over think a lot. My guy is extremely affectionate when I do see him, but then I hardly talk to him when I'm not with him. Like you, I was confused also.

 

From what I have found, a lot of people on here will tell you, he's lost interest, or he's seeing someone else. This could be true, but the only way to find out is asking him.

[Cutiepie1976]

I agree that these boards can be negative at times. Still your situation sounds different. I'm going to hazard that your boyfriend hasn't avoided dating you for three weekends straight? Not a guy, but to me it seems a little odd to prioritize hanging with your sister over dating your girlfriend on a Friday night, unless it's her birthday or something.

 

It's really about all the pieces of the picture IMO...

[naviis]

That's the thing that bugs me -- it seems to become a regular thing to not talk during weekends. I don't mind us not texting for a couple of days, but he usually replies within the next day.

I just feel very lost. If he is seeing someone else, it is within his rights, it just wouldn't fit with everything else. And I haven't been pushing for us to be more serious, if anything I think I have been quite laid back about our relationship, wanting to keep it going slow. So why would be bother building up something I didn't ask for? Don't get me wrong I'd like for us to move forward now, but I've never tried to get us to do so in the past. He has.

[Cutiepie1976]

Thanks for replying.

 

It has crossed my mind that he might still be dating. I know we haven't promised each other anything but I think I'd be hurt if that was the case.

 

Right now I'm a bit like an ostrich with its head in the ground, avoiding confronting him about all this because I am so worried what the answer is going to be. I know it doesn't do me any good, and I should probably try him again today -- I don't want him to think I'm fine with him going MIA like this.

Ideally I'd like to talk to him face to face about this.

 

Well, I didn't bring up exclusivity in my first post because it's a moot issue when one party has lost/is losing interest. He gave you two openings earlier to broach the subject when his interest was high--"is this going somewhere" at a month and "I haven't seen anyone since our first date" at six weeks. I'll usually start by responding with, "What does that mean?" etc. but that was then, this is now. In my mind you have more fundamental issues at this point like, will he date me?

 

Since he's no longer dating you on weekends, not really texting you, not making concrete plans to see you, the question I would have is: is this devolving into an FWB or are we still dating? Are you OK with either option?

 

I wouldn't call personally or chase after him. He'll contact you when he's interested and ready to connect. Then, I would have a chat about what's happening. Still, do what feels comfortable to you. We only have a few details. You have the whole picture.

[naviis]

Well, I didn't bring up exclusivity in my first post because it's a moot issue when one party has lost/is losing interest. He gave you two openings earlier to broach the subject when his interest was high--"is this going somewhere" at a month and "I haven't seen anyone since our first date" at six weeks. I'll usually start by responding with, "What does that mean?" etc. but that was then, this is now. In my mind you have more fundamental issues at this point like, will he date me?

 

Since he's no longer dating you on weekends, not really texting you, not making concrete plans to see you, the question I would have is: is this devolving into an FWB or are we still dating? Are you OK with either option?

 

I wouldn't call personally or chase after him. He'll contact you when he's interested and ready to connect. Then, I would have a chat about what's happening. Still, do what feels comfortable to you. We only have a few details. You have the whole picture.

 

Of course. We never dated during weekends, we each have our own activities so we never arranged anything, last night would have been a first.

But he usually does reply to texts.

Last two weekends he went MIA I left it after I noticed he wasn't answering and he texted me first thing on Monday morning. I was going to wait see if he did the same this time, maybe arrange to see him later and bring it up then.

[Cutiepie1976]

That's the thing that bugs me -- it seems to become a regular thing to not talk during weekends. I don't mind us not texting for a couple of days, but he usually replies within the next day.

I just feel very lost. If he is seeing someone else, it is within his rights, it just wouldn't fit with everything else. And I haven't been pushing for us to be more serious, if anything I think I have been quite laid back about our relationship, wanting to keep it going slow. So why would be bother building up something I didn't ask for? Don't get me wrong I'd like for us to move forward now, but I've never tried to get us to do so in the past. He has.

 

Please don't see this as criticism. It's possible he got the sense that you aren't looking for something more serious, and he is?

 

Why weren't you interested in weekend dates?

 

Anyway, hindsight is 20/20, and Monday morning quarterbacking easy.

 

Just follow your instincts and do what seems right. Based on what you put here, it's probably worth making your intent clear the next time you speak.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 2, 2012 by Cutiepie1976

[er1n]

Even if he really was into you the way he should be, he sounds very unreliable and reckless in regards for your feelings and place in a r/s no matter what the status.

 

He could have at least called and cancelled or made up a lame excuse even. But sounds like hes a bit immature and inconsiderate. Unless he was legitimately sick or oversleeping for some crazy reason, id probably back off. I wouldn't want a guy thinking he can do whatever he wants to me and flake out and id be okay still dating him like that. He'd lose respect for you immediately and think you're probably desperate for him. If he doesn't confront his actions within a few days, Id call him out myself and then tell him it doesn't seem like the right time for you to be dating him since he seems too busy.

[naviis]

Please don't see this as criticism. It's possible he got the sense that you aren't looking for something more serious, and he is?

 

Hindsight is 20/20, and Monday morning quarterbacking easy.

 

Just follow your instincts and do what seems right. Based on what you put here, it's probably worth making your intent clear the next time you speak.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks! I definitely think I could have handled things better, I am often to cautious about not getting hurt, I'd hate for him to end up thinking I don't care at all.

We'll see tomorrow :/

[FitChick]

Weekends are Prime Time for dating. Conventional wisdom states that someone who only dates you during the week has someone more important that he or she is dating on the weekend.

[Tara247]

This no-good skunk is seeing other women. If he were really into you, he would have asked you to be his girlfriend by now. Don't contact him until he contacts you. When he does, you need to define the relationship. He needs either fish or cut bait. You don't need to waste your time.

[Tara247]

So, Naviis, what are you going to do about this scumbag?

[naviis]

The only thing I can do. Wait and see whether he contacts me or not.

[naviis]

OK so I just got a text from him (actually it was about an hour ago, but I've only just seen it)

 

He bounced off the last text I sent him (Saturday morning) and asked how my weekend was.

 

I'm at work so I was thinking I'd reply a bit later.

 

I want to arrange for us to meet sooner rather than later as I really want us to talk things through, whether it is to break up or discover the same thing; I want to do it face to face. I thought I'd get back to him as if nothing happened and bring it up next we see each other.

 

What do you think?

[clia]

The fact that you met him two/three months ago (which is it?), see him only once a week, and have never had a weekend date speaks volumes. He may like being with you, but he does not seem interested in having a relationship with you. In the normal course of things, when men want a relationship, the frequency with which they want to see you typically increases, and they also typically want to spend weekends with you. (Or at least see you on the weekends! It's flat out bizarre to me that you haven't had a weekend date with this guy.) Also, it means nothing that maybe he hasn't dated anyone else in the past couple of months -- maybe he hasn't met anyone he wanted to date. He obviously hasn't committed to seeing only you in the future.

 

I really wouldn't put much stock into something he said on date four, or even on his talk about New Year's Eve or taking a trip together. Again, he may like you and like spending time with you -- enough that he'd like to have you around on New Year's or on a short trip -- but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants anything more serious. Unless he's bringing up commitment, exclusivity, and the "boyfriend" word, his talk is just chitter chatter.

 

Out of curiousity, are you having sex with him?

 

I want to do it face to face. I thought I'd get back to him as if nothing happened and bring it up next we see each other.

 

This is probably the best approach. If you tell him "we need to talk" in advance, he will probably take off running! But be prepared -- he isn't acting like a guy who wants a committed relationship with you. You should decide in advance whether you want to cut bait or accept the "relationship" as it is. Don't turn it into some big talk that goes on for hours, either. Get to the point, accept his answer, and then move on.

[naviis]

The fact that you met him two/three months ago (which is it?), see him only once a week, and have never had a weekend date speaks volumes. He may like being with you, but he does not seem interested in having a relationship with you. In the normal course of things, when men want a relationship, the frequency with which they want to see you typically increases, and they also typically want to spend weekends with you. (Or at least see you on the weekends! It's flat out bizarre to me that you haven't had a weekend date with this guy.) Also, it means nothing that maybe he hasn't dated anyone else in the past couple of months -- maybe he hasn't met anyone he wanted to date. He obviously hasn't committed to seeing only you in the future.

 

I really wouldn't put much stock into something he said on date four, or even on his talk about New Year's Eve or taking a trip together. Again, he may like you and like spending time with you -- enough that he'd like to have you around on New Year's or on a short trip -- but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants anything more serious. Unless he's bringing up commitment, exclusivity, and the "boyfriend" word, his talk is just chitter chatter.

 

Out of curiousity, are you having sex with him?

 

 

 

This is probably the best approach. If you tell him "we need to talk" in advance, he will probably take off running! But be prepared -- he isn't acting like a guy who wants a committed relationship with you. You should decide in advance whether you want to cut bait or accept the "relationship" as it is. Don't turn it into some big talk that goes on for hours, either. Get to the point, accept his answer, and then move on.

 

2.5 months

 

I agree on talk is just talk, although the one we're going to have next is going to be pretty damn determining.

 

And yes we've had sex.

 

His attitude does seem to say he likes me, but like you said, maybe not for anything more.

 

Why not, I'm damn likable

[Cutiepie1976]

There's a difference between liking you just for sex and liking you enough to want you to be a girlfriend.

 

Every encounter is a learning experience. There were quite a few red flags in the arrangement you described. He hung out with his "sister" on Friday night rather than being with you, for example. You rationalized not dating on weekends when I raised that as a concern rather than seeing it for what it said about the relationship. From the tone of your posts, I have the impression that you are looking for a relationship, not a ONS or FWB arrangement. Yet from everything you accepted, without questioning, you seemed comfortable with a casual/FWB arrangement. You hadn't defined the relationship, you weren't exclusive, and were sleeping with him. So basically you were good with no-strings attached sex from his perspective.

 

My suggestion would be to learn to value yourself. Then you won't settle for whatever random breadcrumbs a guy tosses you in order to have his needs met. Or at least you'll be willing to question why you are only getting the odd scrap or breadcrumb rather than the sandwich itself. It's OK to find certain treatment unacceptable. It's OK to have reasonable expectations of how you should be treated. Being solely the midweek distraction would be unacceptable for many who were looking for more than just a casual encounter.