cwsreddy Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Question... so my girlfriend of 2+ years broke up with me about 5 weeks ago (she's 27 I'm 26), we got back together and tried to make it work, but realized that she really does need time for the negative feelings to dull/heal before we can have a fair shot of trying to make it work. We decided to have a phone conversation in two months to see where we are, and then pending that, a date 4 months down the road to meet up and grab coffee and check in again. The second breakup was almost two weeks ago now. NC since. At the time when all this was decided, I felt like I wanted to make sure the door was completely closed on US before I started dating and seeing other people. I didn't think that'd be fair to the new girl if my heart was still in the old relationship, and if we DID ever get back together, I'd hate to have this period of our lives that we just can't talk to each other about. She agreed, and so we sort of made a pact not to see other people, but with the caveat that you can't really control things like that at a certain point, and IF you decide you do want to start dating, just to give the other person a heads up and let them know. I know a lot of you will think it was a dumb thing to do in the first place, but the thing is, we both really do love each other. She just let some negative feelings snowball, AND got freaked because her mother (60s) was telling her all these things about how she wishes she'd taken time for herself when she was young, and she regrets not doing that. The ex and I tried to get back together, but she realized she just needed time for the negative emotions/reactions to fade so she could approach this from a fresh perspective. The tricky part is this. We talked about these dates at MY place, and I put them in my computer at the time. I don't think she put them down anywhere so part of me wonders if she was just humoring me and expects ME to be the one to call. Beyond that, I'm wondering if these dates we set were too soon/stupid only in the sense that we have NO IDEA when we'll be ok again. I don't really want her to date other people, but... if I have completely let go of that... then that's just what I have to do. Basically, should I break NC and contact her, telling her I need to treat this thing as permanent and get rid of the check-in dates, OR do I stay NC and also forget about the check in dates and see what happens. I feel like the second option is douchey though since we'd agreed on a certain way to proceed. Thoughts?? Thanks in advance.
Jono85 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 1. STAY NC, she dumped YOU. 2. those rules were in fact stupid 3. do NOT believe that she won't date other guys, regardless of how much she's convinced u she won't 4. treat this as a permanent breakup, and she's never coming back. 5. again...DO NOT CONTACT. she dumped YOU. she doesn't want you anymore. <-- fact. you're in denial.
cavalier99 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 (edited) DUDE. I know you love this girl ect but this whole set a date and check in thing is super bad idea. You are being USED. Read again ..USED. She is fine and YOU are suffering. Now don't get me wrong she probably doesn't even consciously know she is using you this way but she is. Believe me on this. You are aiding her recover by being a backup plan while you are setting back your own recovery Take back your power. Don't sit around letting her recover while you are forever in limbo. Text her, tell her you changed your mind, and that YOU, yes YOU don't see any future, and please don't contact me ever again. Then block the number. I know this sounds harsh but it is reality. And this whole see what is up thing is ALL for her and she is being super selfish and you are letting her do it. Edited December 2, 2012 by cavalier99
Author cwsreddy Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 DUDE. I know you love this girl ect but this whole set a date and check in thing is super bad idea. You are being USED. Read again ..USED. She is fine and YOU are suffering. Now don't get me wrong she probably doesn't even consciously know she is using you this way but she is. Believe me on this. You are aiding her recover by being a backup plan while you are setting back your own recovery Take back your power. Don't sit around letting her recover while you are forever in limbo. Text her, tell her you changed your mind, and that YOU, yes YOU don't see any future, and please don't contact me ever again. Then block the number. I know this sounds harsh but it is reality. And this whole see what is up thing is ALL for her and she is being super selfish and you are letting her do it. i get what you're saying, i really do, but isn't it just playing a game if I tell her those things when I don't believe them? i can't tell her that i don't see any future, because right now that's the ONLY future I see (and yes I know that will fade, and I know there are plenty of people I could and probably will be happy with - i'm not completely stupid) one of the things about this particular relationship that i value the most is the fact that we never played games and were always honest with each other. i don't plan on changing that now...
movingon12 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Stick to NC. If the first 'date' arrives and you still want to be with her, call her. But be prepared for the fact that she might have moved on and not be interested anymore. If the first 'date' arrives and you've moved on yourself, don't call her.
Gottabestrong Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I second movingon12. Don't contact her right now, when the first date rolls around and if you still want to, contact her then.
cavalier99 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 i get what you're saying, i really do, but isn't it just playing a game if I tell her those things when I don't believe them? i can't tell her that i don't see any future, because right now that's the ONLY future I see (and yes I know that will fade, and I know there are plenty of people I could and probably will be happy with - i'm not completely stupid) one of the things about this particular relationship that i value the most is the fact that we never played games and were always honest with each other. i don't plan on changing that now... I understand your hesitancy. And am not questioning that there was openness and honesty in the relationship and even after the BU. And it obviously is your call how you deal with this. But I have been in this situation and unfortunately there is very little hope that she is going to come around if she hasn't already. It just sucks. The main issue is if you are ok waiting for this arbitrary date and delay you healing? Or if you really want to start to move on now? I am no one to judge. I have waited before and it didn't help me. It unfortunately just seems rather inevitable that eventually you will probably have to tell her that you cant handle any more contact even if you say it nicely. It just sucks to let go of that last hope because it is so permanent. That being said it really is the only way to start moving on and really grieve the loss. Good luck whatever you decision. We are all in this together trying our best!
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