soccerrprp Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I am currently dating a financially successful woman at the moment. She's a physician. Very intelligent of course, but not perfect. I'm a very happy, single father who loves his job and could not imagine changing my profession to try to fit someone else's expectations. She's been taken advantage of in the past and is weary of the complications that come with income disparity, especially when the woman is making a lot more than the man. Let me ask, this question; You ladies who are in the upper income, do you stress over this disparity? I know you want someone who is financially sound (I am), but how much stock do you put on the fact that your potential mate makes less than you. I mean a lot less... Thanks.
CarrieT Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 For almost twelve years I lived with a guy who made substantially less than I did (like five-to-one less than I did). In the beginning of our relationship, it didn't matter at all as long as he (and we) were working together to better our collective lives and he worked to improve and succeed in his endeavors. For us, it began to fail when he became complacent. He stopped striving or working to do anything more for himself than he had to while I was taking on more and more work to maintain the lifestyle we had grown accustomed to. Basically, I was working three jobs to maintain our life while he was happy as a night stock-clerk at Target, making barely minimum wage. I grew frustrated that after a decade, he hadn't worked to improve himself at all and - at the age of 40 - was still only qualified to work at Target... I would say, for you, that a good, honest person doesn't care as much about the bottom line of a financial sheet than whether a person continues to strive towards excellence in whatever they do.
carhill Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 She's been taken advantage of in the past and is weary of the complications that come with income disparity, especially when the woman is making a lot more than the man. Tell us about that. IMO, within that realm is the goal to be achieved. How has she been 'taken advantage of' and what were/are the 'complications' she was/is weary of? Get specific. Each person is an individual. Like the ladies here often state, females are not a hive mind. Deal with the one in front of you. Good luck. 1
Treasa Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 It doesn't bother me as long as he's doing something with his life. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I've made significantly more than almost everyone I've dated... Generally no. Rarely yes. Depends on the guy, his history, the comments he makes, and how he lives his life. Bringing up finances or pointing out the difference is a surefire way to get my antennae up.
OpenBook Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Let me ask, this question; You ladies who are in the upper income, do you stress over this disparity? I know you want someone who is financially sound (I am), but how much stock do you put on the fact that your potential mate makes less than you. I mean a lot less... His income has not been a factor in my dating selections - in fact, I usually go for the blue-collar types. Something about their roughened weathered hands.:love: Income disparity only becomes an issue when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in order to tiptoe around his ego. If it bothers him, it bothers me.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Thanks all for the comments. To answer carhill, she was in a relationship (8-years) where the guy simply decided he wasn't going to make enough of an effort to work. She's been in a couple of relationships like this. Now she's very conscious of not making that same mistake, but I know that she is too weary of such things. I've been at my same job for 10-years and love it! I've also been taken advantage of financially and don't know if I should share this with her to let her know that I fully understand. I'm taking it one day at a time and showing her that finances are not an issue. I have a relatively recent history that has put me back financially a bit, but I am storming back and am financially independent and content.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 For almost twelve years I lived with a guy who made substantially less than I did (like five-to-one less than I did). In the beginning of our relationship, it didn't matter at all as long as he (and we) were working together to better our collective lives and he worked to improve and succeed in his endeavors. For us, it began to fail when he became complacent. He stopped striving or working to do anything more for himself than he had to while I was taking on more and more work to maintain the lifestyle we had grown accustomed to. Basically, I was working three jobs to maintain our life while he was happy as a night stock-clerk at Target, making barely minimum wage. I grew frustrated that after a decade, he hadn't worked to improve himself at all and - at the age of 40 - was still only qualified to work at Target... I would say, for you, that a good, honest person doesn't care as much about the bottom line of a financial sheet than whether a person continues to strive towards excellence in whatever they do. Holy crud, ten years?! I feel for you. I am ambitious and monetary reward is only relatively important. As I've said, I love my job and am quite indispensable. Shoot, it's what makes me the happy person that I am. I would never slack...not in my nature.
It's Just Me Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 My man has to be as financially independent as I am. Salary level matters not - but if he cannot survive without living with his parents or having a roommate - or heaven forbid, living in the basement of his house while the wife and kids live upstairs, I'm out. That's kid stuff. I'm not a teenager, and I have no interest in dating one.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 I must admit that it's a little insecure of me to think about this, but I get the sense that her lifestyle which is not as extravagant as you would think as a physician, places a little more pressure on me to be live up to some of her expectations (all perceived by me). There are and have been things that she's done that I simply cannot freely afford nor have interest in doing, but compromise is in the cards. I just hope she remembers that no matter what, I'm never going to make as much as her.
sydneysider1978 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 It's no problem at all, as long as the guy still has passion for what he does. I would rather date a teacher or a trainee chef, than an accountant with a 6 figure salary that hates his job. As long as the guy is solvent and doesn't mooch, it's all good. That being said, I think some guys have issues with it them selves...I think it makes them feel like less of the provider.... Perhaps you can be "the man" in other ways, take control on date planning, fix some stuff, help in the garden... She'll love it!
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I must admit that it's a little insecure of me to think about this, but I get the sense that her lifestyle which is not as extravagant as you would think as a physician, places a little more pressure on me to be live up to some of her expectations (all perceived by me). There are and have been things that she's done that I simply cannot freely afford nor have interest in doing, but compromise is in the cards. I just hope she remembers that no matter what, I'm never going to make as much as her. Dating is not an arms race or a competition. Please stop approaching it as such. If you continue with this line of thinking, you'll shoot yourself in the foot! All she cares about is that you don't see her as a glorified wallet. Just put effort and imagination into planning thoughtful dates. If she needed someone who could match her on how much was spent in planning a date, buddy rest assured you wouldn't still be there. Let it go, and just relax before you turn a non-issue into something it's not and kill what you do have.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) Thank you all for the advice. I do all the planning and do my share, of course. She revealed to me early on (months ago) in our relationship how she was very hesitant about dating me when she saw how much I made (one of the risks you take from OLD when you reveal too much I guess). I was persistent and she gave in . I essentially told her to take it or leave it and tried to end it then, but she wanted to continue dating. Lucky me, right? Yes, I know it's my insecurity. I am not the insecure type, but we've become closer and perhaps things are getting a little scary and more real, if you know what I mean? Also, I don't have problems with the lady making more. She is the one who brought up the issue and it hasn't been easy to let go completely. I'll do my best to keep my insecurity at bay. I just hope that she is over it or that i've done enough to show that it's not an issue....eh. Edited December 3, 2012 by soccerrprp
2sure Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I've had relationships with men who earned less than myself, they ended up having much more of a problem with it than I did. I'm gun shy about it.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Thanks 2sure. I'm not at all concerned about whether the woman makes more or not. Or at least I wasn't until my current brought it up and seemed to have strong feelings about it. Oh heck. I'll just go with the flow and hope things are as well as they appear on surface. But, it's only been the past couple of weeks that I've started having these feelings again and just wish it would stop gnawing at me, though I have no concrete reason to believe that it is a problem. Sheesh...
2sure Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Be confident that you have much to offer her that money cannot buy...well, you might. Do you?
Author soccerrprp Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Oh yes! I'm a pretty confident person and know that I have much to offer. She recognizes the many things that I offer and am about. We've been "together" for 8-months, so it's really just me re-hashing things that have gone on in our relationship that have cropped up sub and consciously. After all these months, I'm still trying to figure her out. But we'll see. 1
lovebug1234 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I try to find someone in the same and/or above my income bracket. it doesn't exactly bother me unless the guy is having trouble coming up with his half to do fun stuff, I don't mine splurging for him from time to time but it gets old if I always have to pick up the tab.
musemaj11 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 No woman wants a man who has less money just like no man wants a woman who is less attractive. But the fact is that often peole have to settle for the best they can get even if its not whats ideal to them. There is no point in worrying whether she looks down on you for making less because the fact is SHE DOES! She just cant help it. No matter what she is still a woman. The only thing that should matter to you is that despite all that she still considers you which means she has her calculation and at the moment she finds you a good enough partner for her.
movingon12 Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 No woman wants a man who has less money just like no man wants a woman who is less attractive. But the fact is that often peole have to settle for the best they can get even if its not whats ideal to them. There is no point in worrying whether she looks down on you for making less because the fact is SHE DOES! She just cant help it. No matter what she is still a woman. The only thing that should matter to you is that despite all that she still considers you which means she has her calculation and at the moment she finds you a good enough partner for her. That's not true at all. Some woman don't want men who have less money. Some women (including myself) place other aspects of a person way above their bank balance. I could.not.care.less that my husband earns a lot less than I do. I didn't marry him for his money. I married him for his personality.
Emilia Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 No woman wants a man who has less money just like no man wants a woman who is less attractive. But the fact is that often peole have to settle for the best they can get even if its not whats ideal to them. There is no point in worrying whether she looks down on you for making less because the fact is SHE DOES! She just cant help it. No matter what she is still a woman. The only thing that should matter to you is that despite all that she still considers you which means she has her calculation and at the moment she finds you a good enough partner for her. You make these posts with such strong conviction yet I wonder whether you have ever had a serious relationship to start with.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 No woman wants a man who has less money just like no man wants a woman who is less attractive. But the fact is that often peole have to settle for the best they can get even if its not whats ideal to them. There is no point in worrying whether she looks down on you for making less because the fact is SHE DOES! She just cant help it. No matter what she is still a woman. The only thing that should matter to you is that despite all that she still considers you which means she has her calculation and at the moment she finds you a good enough partner for her. I must truly admit that this does not help me at all! LOL! She's dated other men who make/made a lot more than myself, but she found them to be lacking in other areas. Areas that I complete, satisfy. I'm going to focus on my upcoming date (we both have kids, so have dates to give us our "adult" time) with her and try not to let this post get me more self-conscious.
Author soccerrprp Posted December 4, 2012 Author Posted December 4, 2012 I try to find someone in the same and/or above my income bracket. it doesn't exactly bother me unless the guy is having trouble coming up with his half to do fun stuff, I don't mine splurging for him from time to time but it gets old if I always have to pick up the tab. lovebug, do you ever feel that you are missing out on some really great guys by doing this? i suppose it depends on how much you make, but i wouldn't be with this current woman if not for my persistence. she didn't know how much i made, but knew my profession, so that was enough, at first, to hesitate to contact me. mind you, i make good money and it allows me to do what I enjoy with my kids, no debt, house, etc., but it is nowhere near what she makes.
clia Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 Let me ask, this question; You ladies who are in the upper income, do you stress over this disparity? I know you want someone who is financially sound (I am), but how much stock do you put on the fact that your potential mate makes less than you. I mean a lot less... If she is a physician, she likely makes more money than 90% of the men she meets. In other words, she is very used to an income disparity. Here is what you should do: -- If she offers to pay, let her pay sometimes. She may stress that some of your dating activities are beyond your means. By the same token, she may want to do some more pricey things with you at times (i.e. a fancier restaurant, an expensive concert). She won't mind paying when she makes the suggestion to do these things. Don't cause a scene -- just allow her to treat you. -- Do not go into debt to date her. She doesn't want that, and that may stress her out. Don't worry about suggesting things that you might feel are "below her means" -- i.e. just getting together for a walk or ice cream or a cheaper date. If she is dating you, she wants to spend time with you. She probably doesn't care a whole lot what you are doing. She will not feel insulted or offended. -- Do not ask her how much she makes or bring up finances at all. -- Still be the man in the relationship. It's just money.
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