Been thrown a huge curve ball...

[MissHazel]

Hi all...I decided to share a bit of my recent experience as a way to help me deal with it.

 

After not dating or being in any relationship for over 6 years, I started chatting with some one back in May. By July we had developed more of a friendship and got closer.

 

Background: he had asked his wife for a divorce 6 months prior, after telling her he didn't love her and his feelings for her were not enough for the marriage to last. They had been married for about 4yrs and it started off rocky as they used to argue a lot before and then it got physical with her being the aggressor. The marriage proposal was even done on the same day of an argument. Through the years they tried to patch up and work it out, but it was emotionally, mentally and at times physically abusive to him. He explained that he came to the realisation one day that he didn't feel the heat or anything with her even from their first encounters, but figured that would change, but it never did and other things. Called it the worst experience of his life.

 

The wife has since started dating someone which she told him about.

 

Now months down the line one day, after stopping off to see her - (he says he didnt know why he even went past her house), and meeting her dressed and on her way out for her date, with her giving him a kiss and telling him she still loves him, he says he thinks he loves his wife, he still loves her and he wants to give a next chance at their marriage. And made contact with the wife and he was told that the person she is seeing she is not really interested in long term and eventually agreed to give the marriage another try by going to counselling.

 

He's said he never intended to hurt me and didn't think he would ever have a change of mind where that part of his life was concerned.

 

He's said that he will still live and plan his life separate...

 

There's a lot I'm not comfortable saying as of course you never know who is reading this. If anything isn't clear I will try as best as possible to clarify...

 

I do miss what we had and the lost chance to see what it would have developed into....

 

The hardest part of this all is that we are friends still...to an extent..and that when we talk the conversations are ones where u can see we are trying to not say certain things....and then he goes and says about he's feeling guilty cause he's thinking about me and the amazing times we had and blah blah..

 

and then the next day he sends that he's chillin with the wife.....and asks how am I doing....

 

Is he really that blind or clueless....???????????????? REALLYYYYYYYYY

 

I guess that is what made me need to chat a bit about the situation..

 

Let me just say, I support any person for wanting to give their marriage a second try and I am being the supportive friend.........but it is really hard to do when you have feelings beyond friendship.

 

Also, I never had the opportunity to tell him exactly how I feel as I don't think he will even process, hear or understand what he's done/doing....

 

Your thoughts....questions??

Edited December 2, 2012 by MissHazel

[movingon12]

I'm sorry, what a horrible situation to be going through.

 

I admire the fact that you are being so civilised about it - I doubt I could be.

 

What I'm not too clear on is your relationship with him. Did it actually develop into a romantic relationship, or have you always just been 'friends'?

 

It doesn't sound like you would be happy as a friend to watch him reconcile with your wife. I also think that it will be a painful process to wait around for his marriage to fail again in the hope that he will choose you in the future. As a result, I think you need to end the friendship, choose no contact and move on.

[CarrieT]

I'm really sorry you are hurting, MissHazel.

 

Sadly, this is something that many of us have seen before; many people who are in the process of a divorce re-think their marriage and their life's direction.

 

It is why when someone gets involved with a person (man or woman) who is still married, we caution them to not get too emotionally involved.

 

It happened to me; I dated a man for six months who was "going through a divorce," and during the final negotiations, they reconciled. I heartily, heartily running away from anyone who is not fully divorced AND had time to heal from their marriage.

 

Best to you.

[Survivor12]

I can understand your disappointment, but it is not at all unusual for married couples to have second thoughts after they have separated. This is why it is so often advised not to become involved with someone who is separated or even soon after a divorce. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that the "process" of divorce is emotionally charged regardless of the situation. Adjusting to the "loss" of connection with another person and a fear of being along can lead to an attempt (even subconsciously) to fill the void either with someone new or with their spouse.

 

My advice to you is to step away from the friendship. Allowing him to use you as an emotional crutch is not good for either of you. If he really wants to reconcile with his wife then he needs to focus exclusively on her and their relationship. Carrying on an emotional affair on the side is only going to keep him from facing what is lacking in his marriage and could, in fact, prolong their eventual breakup or become the basis for a messy divorce.

 

Either way, don't buy a ticket for the roller roaster ride. It won't be worth it.

[MissHazel]

Thanks for your kind words......

 

I'm being very civilised about it....

 

and yes it did develop into a romantic relationship....

 

 

I'm sorry, what a horrible situation to be going through.

 

I admire the fact that you are being so civilised about it - I doubt I could be.

 

What I'm not too clear on is your relationship with him. Did it actually develop into a romantic relationship, or have you always just been 'friends'?

 

It doesn't sound like you would be happy as a friend to watch him reconcile with your wife. I also think that it will be a painful process to wait around for his marriage to fail again in the hope that he will choose you in the future. As a result, I think you need to end the friendship, choose no contact and move on.

[MissHazel]

the hard part is cutting off contact, not talking to him...

 

he's been a friend who I can talk to and as we still talk about most things..just not been talking about anything to do with his marriage, his feelings for her, etc since the conversation about them trying again.

 

The only reference made has been the 'chilling with the wife'.......

 

I haven't allowed the conversations to be anything more than the run of the mill day to day topics....

 

I don't want to be 'therapist' or emotional crutch...but I don't want to lose a friend.... does that make sense.??

[movingon12]

I understand but.... assuming they get back together, regardless of whether you discuss the details of it, will you be happy to be around him? Will you be able to start dating others if you're still thinking about him? And more to the point, will his wife be happy for him to continue his friendship with you, or will she insist that you are cut from his life (if I was her, I would be very uncomfortable if your relationship continued, even as 'just friends').

[MissHazel]

Honestly, I don't think I could be happy about it, as it is I don't want to even think about dating others, not because I'm thinking of him, but because of the hurt...I finally stepped back into the dating and this was what I got as my first experience back.

 

And I don't think he has mentioned anything to his wife about us or anything, but I haven't asked.

 

 

I understand but.... assuming they get back together, regardless of whether you discuss the details of it, will you be happy to be around him? Will you be able to start dating others if you're still thinking about him? And more to the point, will his wife be happy for him to continue his friendship with you, or will she insist that you are cut from his life (if I was her, I would be very uncomfortable if your relationship continued, even as 'just friends').

[Survivor12]

the hard part is cutting off contact, not talking to him...

 

he's been a friend who I can talk to and as we still talk about most things..just not been talking about anything to do with his marriage, his feelings for her, etc since the conversation about them trying again.

 

The only reference made has been the 'chilling with the wife'.......

 

I haven't allowed the conversations to be anything more than the run of the mill day to day topics....

 

I don't want to be 'therapist' or emotional crutch...but I don't want to lose a friend.... does that make sense.??

 

Sure it makes sense, but unfortunately what you WANT isn't always for the best--or even possible.

 

You really need to face the reality that just because he doesn't talk about her doesn't mean that she doesn't exist, that he's not married to her or that he didn't WILLINGLY and INTENTIONALLY seek her out for reconciliation. What he said about his marriage doesn't matter because despite whatever dysfunction may exist, he CHOSE to go back! Even if his reason was more about his ego being hurt about her dating other men than about his feelings for her, it was still more of a priority to him than having a relationship with you.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you. His feelings for you or the way he treats you does not in any way reflect on who or how valuable you are. On the contrary, it is the choices that YOU make that determine the kind of woman you are and how much you value yourself. Think about it. Is his friendship really worth allowing yourself to be less than his first priority? This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, "Never make someone your priority while allowing them to make you their option."

[MissHazel]

That is one of my quotes for a while.....and I've been trying to live by it.....

 

I have just got to push through this ....as it is fresh and hurting.....

 

 

Initially she made contact to meet with him and talk..and he refused and then he changed his mind the next day....

 

 

Sure it makes sense, but unfortunately what you WANT isn't always for the best--or even possible.

 

You really need to face the reality that just because he doesn't talk about her doesn't mean that she doesn't exist, that he's not married to her or that he didn't WILLINGLY and INTENTIONALLY seek her out for reconciliation. What he said about his marriage doesn't matter because despite whatever dysfunction may exist, he CHOSE to go back! Even if his reason was more about his ego being hurt about her dating other men than about his feelings for her, it was still more of a priority to him than having a relationship with you.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you. His feelings for you or the way he treats you does not in any way reflect on who or how valuable you are. On the contrary, it is the choices that YOU make that determine the kind of woman you are and how much you value yourself. Think about it. Is his friendship really worth allowing yourself to be less than his first priority? This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, "Never make someone your priority while allowing them to make you their option."

[Survivor12]

That is one of my quotes for a while.....and I've been trying to live by it.....

 

I have just got to push through this ....as it is fresh and hurting.....

 

 

Initially she made contact to meet with him and talk..and he refused and then he changed his mind the next day....

 

I was basing my comment on what you said in your OP:

 

"Now months down the line one day, after stopping off to see her - (he says he didnt know why he even went past her house), and meeting her dressed and on her way out for her date, with her giving him a kiss and telling him she still loves him, he says he thinks he loves his wife, he still loves her and he wants to give a next chance at their marriage. And made contact with the wife and he was told that the person she is seeing she is not really interested in long term and eventually agreed to give the marriage another try by going to counselling."

 

Regardless, he says that he still loves his wife and wants to work on his marriage. I know that hurts and that you don't want to accept it, but the sooner you do, the less time it will take to get over. It's your choice.

Edited December 2, 2012 by Survivor12
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