Lone Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Ive read CaliGuys No Contact Q&A and second chance guide a dozen times now since being dumped by my now ex gf. There is a common theme running through both them and many other guides on "how to get her back" and "how to move on" type threads and webpages. This is to get over your ex and move on completely. You will never get them back until you have well and truly moved on and become happy within yourself. I understand this. But have one question. If I am to accept its over and begin the process of moving on and progressing myself for me by applying NC. What if i do eventually want to be friends with her? We had a pretty amazing connection and even though things may have not worked out it seems silly to throw away the friendship... So everything is saying to never contact the ex first. What if you do want to remain friends (at some point in the future)? Is it then ok to contact them? Or do you still have to wait until they contact you for whatever reason? Obviously i still care about her deeply and would love to get her back but i do appreciate that this will require a lot of work on my part in both personal development and accepting the relationship has ended and letting go. However worst case scenario - i would like to have her as a friend. So thoughts?
simonsez Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Leave her alone. We already know that NC works on her because that is what her ex bf did to her and you told us yourself that she said she has been trying to get back in his good books since.. So, we already KNOW that works. Here is the quote you gave us regarding the ex bf. Yesterday however I got a long winded email from her which I will try to summarise briefly… basically said that shes in a sticky situation… loving her time with me but before we got together an ex bf had arranged to come visit from another city and stay with her etc….she hasn’t mentioned it to me until yesterday as she wasn’t sure if things would progress yada yada yada. But they have and she wanted to be completely honest with me…fair play. I respect that. The problem I have is that she gave me a bit of background on him and her and how she was trouble and he stopped talking to her and shes been trying to get back into his good books since. I think you need to be honest with yourself. I believe you are deep down using the "want to be friends" as an excuse to see if you can use the friends angle to get her to fall back in love with you. That can work, but the way it works is that you need to wait until she contacts you and starts to let you know that she is thinking about you and maybe wants to try again. At that time is when you tell her.. "well, I am not sure about a relationship, but maybe we can just be friends. Big difference in the approach. Wait it out. You are only trying the friendship routine to hope that she will want more. That doesn't work when they have pulled away from you.
Author Lone Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Leave her alone. We already know that NC works on her because that is what her ex bf did to her and you told us yourself that she said she has been trying to get back in his good books since.. So, we already KNOW that works. Here is the quote you gave us regarding the ex bf. I think you need to be honest with yourself. I believe you are deep down using the "want to be friends" as an excuse to see if you can use the friends angle to get her to fall back in love with you. That can work, but the way it works is that you need to wait until she contacts you and starts to let you know that she is thinking about you and maybe wants to try again. At that time is when you tell her.. "well, I am not sure about a relationship, but maybe we can just be friends. Big difference in the approach. Wait it out. You are only trying the friendship routine to hope that she will want more. That doesn't work when they have pulled away from you. Heya. Thanks for your reply. So I wait to for her to contact me? What if she states she just wants to be friends? I can do the NC route but will I hear from her? I think if I do it will be to 'check up' on me. Not for any romantic reconciliation.
simonsez Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Yes, I would wait for her to contact you. I believe she probably will contact you at some point. Women most always say they want to be friends when they break up with you. Just agree with her. Yep, we can be friends. Do some small talk and then get off the phone FIRST. "Hey, well thanks for calling, but I was just walking out the door, talk to you later." Then get off the phone. I would also be dating other women. Sometimes people don't know what they gave up until they lose it. She won't think she has lost you until she thinks you are interested in someone else. I'm not talking about sleeping around and such, but just go out and have some fun with some other women. Enjoy the moment. Women are attracted to happy men that seem to be going somewhere with their lives and have confidence. Women generally lose attraction for men who pursue them when they break up with you. Usually they say they "just" want to be friends with you. Don't fall into the trap of doing the pursuing of the friendship. Let her come to you. Once she does we can plan your next step. You really need to get the attitude in your mind that there are "plenty of fish" in the sea. To be honest with you, there is no doubt in my mind that there is another man in the picture that she is interested in. That is almost always the case.
Author Lone Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Yes, I would wait for her to contact you. I believe she probably will contact you at some point. Women most always say they want to be friends when they break up with you. Just agree with her. Yep, we can be friends. Do some small talk and then get off the phone FIRST. "Hey, well thanks for calling, but I was just walking out the door, talk to you later." Then get off the phone. I would also be dating other women. Sometimes people don't know what they gave up until they lose it. She won't think she has lost you until she thinks you are interested in someone else. I'm not talking about sleeping around and such, but just go out and have some fun with some other women. Enjoy the moment. Women are attracted to happy men that seem to be going somewhere with their lives and have confidence. Women generally lose attraction for men who pursue them when they break up with you. Usually they say they "just" want to be friends with you. Don't fall into the trap of doing the pursuing of the friendship. Let her come to you. Once she does we can plan your next step. You really need to get the attitude in your mind that there are "plenty of fish" in the sea. To be honest with you, there is no doubt in my mind that there is another man in the picture that she is interested in. That is almost always the case. Hi Simon, Thanks for your reply again. She knows that i open to friendship. The problem is we are in similar social circles so i will see her around at some point. And some of her stuff is still at mine and i have tickets to shows etc we were supposed to be attending over new years. I am just wanting some advice on how to act around her if i do see her/run into her. And i will do as you say about not doing the pursuing of the friendship. i just hope/pray she does make some attempt for it at some point. and you are correct in saying that i am hoping for friendship in the hope that there may be a reconciliation further down the line. is that ridiculous? i know that for this to work (from everything i've read) that i need to move on completely and as you mentioned begin seeing other woman. and i know you wont believe this but in all honesty i really dont think there is another man in the picture. i wont go into details and would rather avoid the thought all together. but i will say that i really dont believe this is the case and though you may think this is always the case i truly believe it isnt in this one. im just looking for advice so i can move forward. i know that by following the NC rule i will heal myself and put myself in the best position for reconciliation further down the line and who knows maybe at the point i wont care. but right now i do and want to do anything and everything i can to ensure that is a possibility. thanks again for your advice and keep it coming.
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