Lost_n_Twisted Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 So first off i am new to this site so i was not sure if i posted this in the right spot. I am in desperate need of some advice. Sorry so long and thanks for the ones who take the time to read and respond My sister has been with her bf for 11 years. I got the two of them together. He was a coworker of mine. 11 Years ago we were friends and there was NEVER anything more then that. He wanted more then that but i always let him know i didnt look at him like that. When he got together with my sister our friendship pretty much faded and i was ok with that. I know he has always been into me but i just try to brush it off and never feed into it. 9 months ago i moved into their house due to a job loss and my mom also lives here. Within the last few months he has made me feel so uncomfortable. Everytime i glance over at him hes staring at me. He finds reasons to touch me for no reason (like when i have the recliner out) he walks by and touches my feet. He has to stand really close when were talking. He rubs my shoulder at times when he talks to me. Yesterday he hugged me resting his head on my shoulder when i was upsett telling me everythings going to be ok. (never has done this) When he gets home from work he will find an excuse to come down to my bedroom for whatever reason just so he lets me know hes home. When we go out in public shopping as a family or whatever, he always has to be by my side and i try to get away from him but he follows me around no matter what. Its to the point my mom notices it and i talk to her about it. Last night getting groceries out of the car he was checking out my butt and my mom caught him. I feel so bad for my sister because i dont understand how she can not notice his interest in me. Its to the point now its really starting to creep me out because he will stand in the kitchen or whatever room im in and just watch my every move. My mom makes little comments to him about it and he dont seem to care. Things just seem to keep progressing and i am doing nothing in anyway to lead him on. I have a bf that i have been with for 2 and a half years. He has been away and will back on the 4th and says that hopefully things change or else he is going to have a word with him. I feel like he might try and kiss me next or who knows, not even starting to feel safe sleeping in my own room. I cant tell my sister cause i know it would upsett her and it would probably get turned around on me like im the bad guy and im just reading to far into things. Im lost at what to do. Can someone please tell me maybe if they have gone through this and how you handled it or perhaps any advice would be very helpful. I just cant tell my sister just yet.... if he does make an actual pass at me then yes that leaves me no choice but to tell her.
Author Lost_n_Twisted Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 33 views and not one person has any advice? Or perhaps this its to long and nobody wants to read it....
freestyle Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 33 views and not one person has any advice? Or perhaps this its to long and nobody wants to read it.... Give it time---for a lot of posters, it's early on a Sunday morning... There tends to be less traffic here on the weekends. My advice--Be blunt & direct with him. If he touches you, tell him to back off, in NO uncertain terms. Make sure you don't send any mixed messages. If he gets into your personal space, back away---you don't owe him any politeness. ( he certainly isn't being respectful towards you..) If he persists, ask him point blank, 'Would you behave that way if my boyfriend was in the room?"
stillafool Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Don't allow that kind of behavior. Simple as that. The next time he is inappropriate in any way tell him (in front of your sister and mom) that he makes you uncomfortable and please stop touching you. If you catch him staring ask him what is wrong. Call him out on everything he does in front of your sister. Stand up to him.
Cb3657 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I think your primary focus should be to move out of their house, there is no way this ends well. He tries to kiss you, you reject him and tell your sister, she is going to feel rejected and pissed off and some of that explosion will fall on you. I completely agree with others about setting a clear boundary but really find a way to move out, maybe your mom and you can share a spot. Right now you are in their lives and marriage, it is not right for him to look on you this way but he wouldn't be a problem if you weren't there. 1
Cb3657 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Sorry if my post came across as blaming you, I am not, he may be scum who will cheat in the future but ifi was you i wouldn't want to be any part of that conversation except comforting my sister. Just try to get out of the line of fire here
MyPoutine Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I agree with Cb, try and leave as soon as possible ...can't you crash at your bf's place instead? Another thing is try your best not to be anywhere alone with him, if he seeks you out go to a place with a other people, if he moves in to touch you pull back or even push him away and tell him to stop in the most ferocious tone you can use, if you are on a recliner and he moves to touch your feet kick in his general direction before he makes contact. This guy is disrespecting your sister in the worst possible way, get angry, get really angry and let him have a solid piece of your mind. Spare him no curtesy, treat him as coldly as possible...he comes home, lock your bedroom door and ignore him if he knocks until he leaves, he wants to talk to you - monosyllabic responses with as much venom as you can muster. Basically send a clear "no way, even if pigs were to fly and hell froze over, twice. Not for all the riches in the world, no no no Do Not Want!!"
RachR Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 You have to directly confront him, like the others have said. You can tell him he's being weird and he needs to stop it now and to act appropriate. Maybe do it while your mom's close by within earshot so she can be witness to the exchange and there for support.
Author Lost_n_Twisted Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 Give it time---for a lot of posters, it's early on a Sunday morning... There tends to be less traffic here on the weekends. My advice--Be blunt & direct with him. If he touches you, tell him to back off, in NO uncertain terms. Make sure you don't send any mixed messages. If he gets into your personal space, back away---you don't owe him any politeness. ( he certainly isn't being respectful towards you..) If he persists, ask him point blank, 'Would you behave that way if my boyfriend was in the room?" Sorry i was just feeling a bit anxious lol
Author Lost_n_Twisted Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 I think your primary focus should be to move out of their house, there is no way this ends well. He tries to kiss you, you reject him and tell your sister, she is going to feel rejected and pissed off and some of that explosion will fall on you. I completely agree with others about setting a clear boundary but really find a way to move out, maybe your mom and you can share a spot. Right now you are in their lives and marriage, it is not right for him to look on you this way but he wouldn't be a problem if you weren't there. I plan on moving out. My boyfriend and i are getting a place together soon. My boyfriend will be back in town on the 4th and will be staying with his parents untill the two of us get a place. So untill then i have no other option but to stay here. I agree that i need to put him in his place. But at the same time im afraid if i were to say something to him, confront him. Im afraid he will play dumb and act like he dont know what im talking about and go to my sister telling her about me confronting him because he might think i may go to her and tell her. Puts me in a weird place. I am IN NO WAY leading him on. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my familys home. Thank you for the advice.
ascendotum Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 If your sister does not notice his behavior then I think its best you still leave her in the dark, unless he escalates it to the point it is too full on, and then maybe its best she know as chances are he has/will do this with other women. I thought your mom might have had a word with him actually. I think she should, as he is getting close to crossing the line (not quite though) with her daughters. He is a little ballsy given you have a bf and you are his sister in law but it seems he still has strong feelings for you, and you are there in the house living along side him, and those feelings have resurfaced. I think you should let him know you don't find his subtle flirting appropriate, the next time he does it. Have your bf drop by regularly so its obvious you are in love with another man and he is on the scene. If this guy checks your butt out or you notice him looking at you, well tough luck imo. While you stay in his/sisters house you can't put restrictions on his vision or cause a scene over what he looks at in his own house. You will have to get over this while you staying in his place or move in with your bf if it creeps you out.
Author Lost_n_Twisted Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 If your sister does not notice his behavior then I think its best you still leave her in the dark, unless he escalates it to the point it is too full on, and then maybe its best she know as chances are he has/will do this with other women. I thought your mom might have had a word with him actually. I think she should, as he is getting close to crossing the line (not quite though) with her daughters. He is a little ballsy given you have a bf and you are his sister in law but it seems he still has strong feelings for you, and you are there in the house living along side him, and those feelings have resurfaced. I think you should let him know you don't find his subtle flirting appropriate, the next time he does it. Have your bf drop by regularly so its obvious you are in love with another man and he is on the scene. If this guy checks your butt out or you notice him looking at you, well tough luck imo. While you stay in his/sisters house you can't put restrictions on his vision or cause a scene over what he looks at in his own house. You will have to get over this while you staying in his place or move in with your bf if it creeps you out. First let me start off by thanking you for the advice. I am a bit confused to your advice though. You say that maybe my mom should have a word with him an that i should put him in his place. Then you go onto saying that its his house and he can check me out if he wants because this is his house. Ok that i disagree with BIG TIME!!! That is not ok at all. As i stated before. I plan on moving out but im stuck here for awhile longer and im just afraid its gonna get worse
Cb3657 Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I am going to assume you are a bit of a looker, I'm a married fella and I truly love my wife and would not cheat on her but that doesn't mean I'm dead. A nicely turned ankle still gets attention but if I am looking and the women says stop I would be embarrassed and I would stop. You don't have to confront him in public but you should at least say-I am uncomfortable with your looking at me please stop.
ascendotum Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 First let me start off by thanking you for the advice. I am a bit confused to your advice though. You say that maybe my mom should have a word with him an that i should put him in his place. Then you go onto saying that its his house and he can check me out if he wants because this is his house. Ok that i disagree with BIG TIME!!! That is not ok at all. As i stated before. I plan on moving out but im stuck here for awhile longer and im just afraid its gonna get worse It would be good if your mom said something to him...but on her own volition. I really don't think you should tell your mom to say something to him. As for him checking you out. If its just that then I think you have to just put up with that. When it comes to touching you as he walks past or hugging you, massaging your neck, sitting along side you on your bed, etc, then I think its at that point that maybe you need to say something. You just have to let him know his behaviour is making you a little uncomfortable. The thing is he has not really done anything brazen, just lots of little subtle signs of affection. (it could be that he still burns a candle for you and simply wishes he was with you and its a simple as that or he could be putting out signals hoping you might respond favourably back and it might lead to something..you dont know). You cant make a big scene over it imo, just let him know you think its inappropriate. Ideally the solution is to not be in the same house for too long. As for checking you out...you see him looking at you while watching tv, what are you going to do...make a scene and tell him off for looking to his left instead of straight ahead. You see him staring at you while you unload groceries from the car, what are you going to do, make a scene because he was looking at you instead of looking at the house. What you call perving he will call random looking. You cant spend time in his house as a guest and tell him off for looking at you. I know you think he is likely viewing you in a desirable way and that is not appropiate given he is together with your sister, but you can't accuse him in front of everyone and say 'stop looking at my body' or 'I know what you are thinking you creep'. no way.
Author Lost_n_Twisted Posted December 3, 2012 Author Posted December 3, 2012 I am going to assume you are a bit of a looker, I'm a married fella and I truly love my wife and would not cheat on her but that doesn't mean I'm dead. A nicely turned ankle still gets attention but if I am looking and the women says stop I would be embarrassed and I would stop. You don't have to confront him in public but you should at least say-I am uncomfortable with your looking at me please stop. Thank you all for the advice. I will for sure pull him aside and let him know that his actions and looks make me feel uncomfortable. 1
stillafool Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I don't think you should pull him aside, but I think you should tell him in front of your sister. If you pull him aside he may take that as an opportunity to be inappropriate with you.
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