Confused420 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I made a post in the breakup section yesterday that I'm just going to copy and paste here, I'd just like more opinions on the table. deep down, I know what I need to do. I think I just need to hear people say it. ### I had been in an LDR with an American girl for about three and a half months before she ended things with me about a week ago. Basically, I met her at the start of June and knew straight away she was something special. I've been with girls in the past but this was the first relationship I had been in. I can't speak for her, but my feelings grew quickly and I'm sure this girl is the first girl I've ever loved. Anyway, I had to leave in September and, although she wasn't sure, convinced her that if we stayed together we could make this work. I assured her that I loved her and she told me she loved me. Anyway, things went okay, we Skyped, we texted each other constantly. It was hard but I knew she was worth it. I went to visit her in November and that's where things started going weird. She seemed distant when I was over there and I guess kinda cold towards me. However, she'd distance herself from everyone, not just me, so I assumed it was because she was upset that she knew I wouldn't be around for long. Anyway, five days after I got back, she text me saying she didn't think she could do LD. She told me that she didn't feel loved when I was over there and that she wants to focus on herself for a bit. I fully understand this because she has got a lot going on, all that I'm aware of. I asked if if this was what she really wanted, and basically fought for her for hours. She said she was willing to see how things would go. About a week after this, she text me again saying the same thing, she couldn't do the long distance. This time, I knew this was what she wanted so I didn't even bother fighting for her, I assured that I loved her, I wanted to be there for her and if she ever saw a future for us to come back to me and I'd be waiting. She said that she wanted me in her life and that she still loved me but couldn't deal with the stress of a LDR with all the other stuff going on in her life. She said that she did see a future for us and that she wanted to get to know me better in the mean time. I told her that I just couldn't do that, not while I felt this strongly. I told her that I wanted her in my life too and that I just need time to recover. She got really pissed and accused me of 'giving her up' and 'wanted her out of my life'. Basically, I waited a day and re-explained to her that I didn't want to hurt her and that I was doing this for me and it's what I needed. I asked her to respect what I need just like I respected what she needed. Again, she got pissed and thanked me for 'ruining her day just to repeat myself for the tenth time'. I haven't spoke to her since. Am I doing the right thing in not talking to her or am I potentially throwing something great away? mean, I know she's confused and stressed and the stress of an LDR may be too much. I still want to be there for her because ultimately, her happiness is really important to me. I also believe she does still love me. Should I be using this time to get to know her better? EDIT: I feel I should add; Because I told her that I wanted to be there for her, I made sure not to block any channels of communication. After I told her I needed time for myself, she deleted me off Facebook. Dunno why that's relevant, it just feels like it is. She also said she has no intention whatsoever of seeing anyone else and that she wasn't going to move on so she couldn't understand why I was.
Author Confused420 Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Anyone got any opinions/advice?
Dahvid Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 You kinda have the same situation as I have. I left her and after a week or two she said she's stressed of the long distance. Im guessing the pain for them seeing us leave is the worst for them. I really only see that the answer would be if we move to them and be there for them almost every day. My girlfriend told me that she wants a relationship with me like after she comes home after a tough day and just wants me to be with her, resting, talking, having lunch together etc... I don't know how far you live from her though and how much would you give up for her. I was thinking about replying your message because I also have a problem like this but I hope this helps a tiny bit. Sorry If I made it confusing.
umirano Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Relax guys, it's the stress talking. My gf has similar moods from time to time. I'm not saying you are going to win them back for good. But from your accounts I'd say they still feel pretty strongly about you. Look, it's quite simple. You need to give them space. Ultimately whatever you say / write will not change or even influence how they feel about you (once the LD stress kicks in). So you give them space and they will sort their feelings out on their end. Depending on how much you matter to them, they will come back. all the best
deekay Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I'm in a very similar situation as you are. We've been dating for 4~5 months before she had to move back to her country. I visited her after a couple months (our first time doing LDR was pretty much up-and-down) and when I saw her again we got back together, happy and ever. Then after I got back to USA we broke up after 1.5 months because I was simply being a very bad boyfriend. After a couple weeks we talked and she teared up and admitted she still had feelings for me but didn't know what to do. So we're at a stalemate right now and I'm still trying to get her back but giving her some time and space. She told me that if she gets into a graduate school near me then we can be together again. So time will only tell. For your situation, it seems like you really need to be there for her all the time. You have to reassure her every day/night that you love her and you think about her all the time. DONT GIVE UP MAN haha love is complex.
justwhoiam Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 (edited) Ok, I guess I'm going to interrupt your nice guy talk. A girl either can't cope with a LDR or she can, but the bf really has to be into her. About the latter, no matter how much you say you lover her, that love must reach her somehow, otherwise it's just empty words flowing in the cyber space. I had a really bad time lately, visiting him during hurricane Sandy. Tension hit the fan, so to speak. He got depressed and shocked, and all inbetween. I was tense too. We somehow made it through it. But now I really feel he should win my love (back). I love him very much, but I need to see what will come from him. Sort of like making up for what we didn't have... @Confused420: she was cold and you got cold, and you ruined the chance you had. See what you wrote: She said she was willing to see how things would go. She's waiting to see what you will do, what it will be like with you. She is expecting something. She is reading signs coming from you. No reaction from your part, ignoring her, indifference & apathy will mean it's over. You showing no excitement can be read as: I'm so so about her/this relationship. LDRs are hard on their own, and to fight against the world, a girl needs to know how strong that love is. And not from her part, usually. She already knows that. About moods, true, some girls can be moody, as a trait to them or just now and then, on and off. I'm not moody, so I can't speak for them, but I know that what happens to us (me & him) can significantly affect me. Sometimes guys are not even aware that something has happened, and they read it as "being moody" if she's bothered, mad, sad, etc. But for many girls, I guess that's just a consequence of something that went wrong, and not being moody. So the only way to her heart is: be a good boyfriend. But not a good boyfriend from a man's point of view. That's key. Edited December 4, 2012 by justwhoiam
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