Pursuing the Flake. Too annoyingly common.

[es-squared]

You're presuming too much. If you start a game, is it so surprising that she's become disinterested? In pulling a fade, why criticize her for pulling a fade? Less drama for her since she doesn't need to explain to you why she's become disinterested.

 

Thats wack. When did I ever say I was running a 'game'. Ultimately, who's closed the lines of communication?

 

And it IS a female gauntlet thing, call it what you want, same thing.

[grkBoy]

My first instinct was to try her again; not sure what to make of it, but Im thinking of laying low indefinitely. What are your thoughts?

 

Leave her alone. Relish in the nice dinner, great sex, and breakfast.

 

Ball is in her court now. If she won't call you back, then move on.

[carhill]

Didn't hear from her so I get in touch, she says a work thing came up and she cant, and she has a **** ton of stuff to deal with so she'll get back to me and let me know. About a week goes by and no word, call her, no answer, and the trail is cold from there.

 

OP was proactive, pursued, made first contacts and was apparently summarily dismissed for three days of silence after experiencing a woman who was demonstrating apparent romantic, domestic and sexual interest, to the extent of having him to her house and evidently making love in her bed.

 

Subsequent thought: Minor 'going crazy', as my exW used to say, validating her attractiveness/potency after/during breakup or during period when she's deciding whether to break up with ex but is having second thoughts about/contact with ex. Monkey branch canary.

 

Relish in the nice dinner, great sex, and breakfast.

 

Yep, live in and accept the now, at that time. Now (today) she is a dry hole. Waste no more drill rod here. Move on. Possibilities later? Sure, why not. If you feel like it if/when the time comes.

[stillafool]

The sex was killer, I was steering.

 

But I could tell its been a LONG time for her.

 

How could you tell it has been a long time for her? Usually people can't tell this about women and sex.

[carhill]

Back when I first learned about 'going crazy' (sexually), female version, my exW explained it as a period of hypersexuality, almost a mania, that was transitory. I've seen this with MW's who were seeking validation of their sexual potency, meaning results of behaviors outside of what is normal/customary for them, having known them during such 'normal' times for comparison. This dynamic, if extent, would lend further credence to the 'poofer' theory, as such emotional states can vacillate markedly over a short period of time, like day to day. Hence, unstable.

 

While examining and speculating might be fun and educational, in practice it's healthier to accept the real and, at minimum, cease further investment of emotions and energy into such a nebulous dynamic. I'm finding that detachment can allow for such examinations in personal experience but guard against spending unhealthy amounts of time and energy on them. Match things up, accept that it's not healthy (if that's the case) and close the case and move on.

[crude]

I think everybody might be reading too much into this. Some people LOVE to cook as a hobby, and make elaborate meals for the fun of it, like guys who mess around in their work room with wood and metal. It doesn't mean that she went all out because she's madly in love. Also, maybe she simply wanted to get laid after a long dry spell. So perhaps she's not wounded because you didn't contact her for a few days.. She's just a little cool to you because she got what she wanted. It's possible you know. Women aren't always victims.

[FitChick]

Aw, thanks for defending me, guys! I'm touched. I've been called Fatchick before when something I said hit a nerve. It just told me I was on target so I wasn't offended.

 

At least es-squared had enough class to apologize.

 

Back to the subject -- I love to cook and always have but I would have been hurt by a man ignoring me after what seemed like such a promising romance. I need consistency from a man.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I love to cook and always have but I would have been hurt by a man ignoring me after what seemed like such a promising romance. I need consistency from a man.

 

Me too. I don't know if I would have been able to handle 3 days of silence after the gourmet dinner, wild sex and breakfast with a new guy. I probably would have felt like I made a poor judgement of the guy and where things were headed, and, yes, had very hurt feelings and maybe even felt shame for putting myself in such a vulnerable position with that person. Ouch. If he finally contacted me after 3 days - I may have thought it was probably a booty call, or that the guy was not good for me, and moved on.

 

That's not a "gauntlet." That's called blowing it, on your part, if you actually liked this girl.

 

None of this scenario implies that the girl is a "flake."

[Imajerk17]

I'm a guy, and I think you screwed it up by not calling her within the day after you and she had sex for the first time, especially as she cooked you such a really nice dinner. I get what you were trying to do, but doood, she went all out for you. Women tend to feel vulnerable after first-time sex.

 

There is no harm in calling her again though.

[todreaminblue]

I think everybody might be reading too much into this. Some people LOVE to cook as a hobby, and make elaborate meals for the fun of it, like guys who mess around in their work room with wood and metal. It doesn't mean that she went all out because she's madly in love. Also, maybe she simply wanted to get laid after a long dry spell. So perhaps she's not wounded because you didn't contact her for a few days.. She's just a little cool to you because she got what she wanted. It's possible you know. Women aren't always victims.

 

 

 

I cook to love........when i cook it is for the sole purpose of making something for someone to show them either I appreciate them, to make them feel better, to put a massive effort in to show them they are worth that effort....i sweat, yeah ok i swear too normally at the grater(i repent later)I cut myself im a klutz.steam burns are the worse.i nearly have chopped off both pinkie fingers....what can i say god protects me....im a kamikaze in the kitchen.....my hands shake...I stress out it wont be good enough....the end result is a meal cooked with the very best intentions, a meal i cook for someone else i cook for is cooked with love.........not so much i love to cook....i cook with love in my heart and when i cook that way through all the stress cuts and grated fingers....the meal turns out sublime.....hopefully with little skin attached and not loads........you have to put love into a dish and all of what you have in effort...you dont do that for just anyone....you have to have passion for people and feeding them something amazing...a gourmet meal......i feel is cooked with love.....and it is quite possibel thsi woman who waiteda long time for sex doesnt gourmet cook for just anyone.....i have special dishes i give lovers...no one else is invited.........deb

[ChatroomHero]

I'm a guy, and I think you screwed it up by not calling her within the day after you and she had sex for the first time, especially as she cooked you such a really nice dinner. I get what you were trying to do, but doood, she went all out for you. Women tend to feel vulnerable after first-time sex.

 

There is no harm in calling her again though.

 

Probably just as likely that if he had called her the next day she would feel smothered and like things were moving too fast and end it.

 

He is right, it is a gauntlet because all of the burden is on him. Seriously, if he had made dinner for her and cooked breakfast for her, in reality would anyone expect the burden was fully on her to initiate with him the next time?

 

One thing I noticed that seems to end relationships is when people expect others to behave a certain way. I have talked to women that say they like a call the next day, some say that seems clingy, some have told me they make a guy call 3 times before they respond, some would never call a guy first after sex and others are texting or calling 20 minutes after you've left.

 

I am guessing she wanted "out" for now so no matter what he did wouldn't have made a difference. If she was so in to him that she went out of her way to make dinner and she pines away for him, I seriously doubt she would completely blow him off for something as small as him not initiating contact for a couple of days if she is healthy dating material.

 

It's not like she tried to contact him and he ignored her for those days either. She would be judging him for something she was doing herself.

 

Sounds like she freaked a little and wasn't ready for much more.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Some of you guys sure like to attribute a lot of weird stuff to women. I guess some women do it as well. A word of advice that I think is wise:

 

If you think you like someone, follow your heart. If you like someone, let them know it rather than protecting your ego. If she / he is not ready to receive this, they will reject you. But at least you gave it your best.

 

Life is pretty short, and our egos are really little more to us than our clothing is. It's a rather superficial part of us.

[veggirl]

It sounds like the dinner was one date and the breakfast was a totally separate occurance.

 

Anyway OP you should initiate contact after the first time you sleep with a girl. if this wasn't the first time you slept with her, then yeah I agree she should do some contacting and its lame that you always have to.

[lovebug1234]

agree with fitchick.

 

 

I have a different interpretation. She was really making an effort to please you and you thought you'd punish her for not initiating calls by choosing that exact time to disappear for a few days to teach her a lesson. If anything, she was probably expecting more closeness from you, not space. She probably thinks you have intimacy problems and can't handle a woman being good to you. That sounds like your problem.

 

I'm not a mind reader. Neither are you.

[pbjbear]

Probably just as likely that if he had called her the next day she would feel smothered and like things were moving too fast and end it.

 

He is right, it is a gauntlet because all of the burden is on him. Seriously, if he had made dinner for her and cooked breakfast for her, in reality would anyone expect the burden was fully on her to initiate with him the next time?

 

One thing I noticed that seems to end relationships is when people expect others to behave a certain way. I have talked to women that say they like a call the next day, some say that seems clingy, some have told me they make a guy call 3 times before they respond, some would never call a guy first after sex and others are texting or calling 20 minutes after you've left.

 

I am guessing she wanted "out" for now so no matter what he did wouldn't have made a difference. If she was so in to him that she went out of her way to make dinner and she pines away for him, I seriously doubt she would completely blow him off for something as small as him not initiating contact for a couple of days if she is healthy dating material.

 

It's not like she tried to contact him and he ignored her for those days either. She would be judging him for something she was doing herself.

 

Sounds like she freaked a little and wasn't ready for much more.

 

1) She would not have felt smothered if she was into him.

2) Maybe. If I was a girl in that situation Id initiate.

3) A big theme here I see people stating is women feel emotionally vulnerable the first time they had sex with a guy. For the most part that is very true. I know I do. Guys nowadays often view sex as nothing but sex, and alot of men leave right after sex. This woman prob thoght es-squared was in it for sex and now that hes gotten that he interest is gone or waning. Why does she feel this way? Because I can tell youre a guy and I will tell you from a woman's point of view, very often after first time sex a guy leaves her or loses interest. Have you not noticed the society we live in today?

[ChatroomHero]

1) She would not have felt smothered if she was into him.

2) Maybe. If I was a girl in that situation Id initiate.

3) A big theme here I see people stating is women feel emotionally vulnerable the first time they had sex with a guy. For the most part that is very true. I know I do. Guys nowadays often view sex as nothing but sex, and alot of men leave right after sex. This woman prob thoght es-squared was in it for sex and now that hes gotten that he interest is gone or waning. Why does she feel this way? Because I can tell youre a guy and I will tell you from a woman's point of view, very often after first time sex a guy leaves her or loses interest. Have you not noticed the society we live in today?

 

2) Well she didn't initiate so you think she must not have been highly interested.

3) Depends on the woman and the situation. How much do your partners invest before first time sex, it makes a difference?

 

And for the OP's situation, he contacted her, he just waited because he was doing all the initiating of contact which I can tell you from a guy's point of view can indicate a low level of interest in most cases.

 

I don't get how she should automatically assume that he contacted her- but didn't do it fast enough in her mind- he automatically wasn't interested and was just interested in sex. And when he does contact her too late in her mind, it doesn't count as interest. What defines too soon or too late for women as a collective?

 

Wouldn't it make more sense that when he contacted her she would think, "hey, he is interested. I haven't initiated any contact and he still for some reason keeps contacting me"?

[ChatroomHero]

Me too. I don't know if I would have been able to handle 3 days of silence after the gourmet dinner, wild sex and breakfast with a new guy. I probably would have felt like I made a poor judgement of the guy and where things were headed, and, yes, had very hurt feelings and maybe even felt shame for putting myself in such a vulnerable position with that person. Ouch. If he finally contacted me after 3 days - I may have thought it was probably a booty call, or that the guy was not good for me, and moved on.

 

That's not a "gauntlet." That's called blowing it, on your part, if you actually liked this girl.

 

None of this scenario implies that the girl is a "flake."

 

How should the guy feel that you did not contact him for 3 days after? Seems like a double standard.

[carhill]

Men don't have emotions surrounding sex. It's just a physical act to us, like urinating. Wait.....

 

To me, this is a miss. Either side could assert flakiness. He could have called her sooner. She could have called him sooner. She could have scheduled a date when he called her and she was apparently busy. She could have called back later. Etc. Etc.

 

From experience, the ones who cook up a big fantasy (which is what I assigned to the over-the-top actions recited here) are the ones who blow it up at the first defect. Fantasy over, human dismissed. If that's their style, it's valid for them. It, however, misses with different styles. The OP, by his language used, asserts a markedly, to me, different style. I pursued a fair number of these before learning to accept the real and move on. The problem was, until seeing it clearly, I was living in the past, in the fantasy, and thought it had meaning when it didn't.