StillHurtin Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I'm not OW, I am a W. I have a few ? for you, if you don't mind answering. First, a little bit of my story. My dh had an A a little over a year ago. She worked for him. She knew me, she knew we were married, she knew we had children, she even tried to be my friend (always running over to me to talk when I went to see dh at work). She even asked me if I would babysit her child if she needed someone. I never did it b/c I knew she was after dh. Dh had filed for a D in 2003 claiming he couldn't handle our fighting anymore and needed to move on. We fought all the time b/c he had an anger problem (his doctor prescribed him anti-depressants) but he never took them. He was verbally abusive by calling me names about my weight. (my lowest weight while M to him was 129 and he still called me fat!) I didn't want to sleep w/ a man who would treat me that way. I thought about D him for years but was scared. Scared to raise my children alone, scared of putting my parent's through another daughter getting a D. Shortly after I kicked him out of our home the A started. I called her at home and confronted her. Of course she denied and laughed and asked why the rumors couldn't be about dh and another gal that worked for him. She told me she would talk to dh about changing his mind about the D. They both denied the A until it ended 2 months later when dh called every night, every day, begging me to take him back, blah, blah, blah. I took him back and things are going pretty well except that I still dont' trust him. He told me he had the A w/ the OW b/c she paid attention to him, made him feel good about himself. Well, if he wouldn't of treated me like **** I wouldn't of pushed him away. I bet he never thought about that. Sorry this is getting long. My ? for you is: If your MM got back w/ his W and you still loved and/or cared for him would you speak 2 the W if she answered the phone when you called him? Would you act like nothing even happened? Would you have a conversation w/ the W (that had nothing to do w/ the A?) ? 2, would/ did you try to be friends w/ the W to get closer to her dh? I am curious what your answers will be. Thanks!!!
Mr Spock Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 You are asking questions to the wrong people. Unless your OW frequents this board, your questions can't be answered by us as every one is an individual so all situations are different. I'd say that in this particular situation she feels little guilt because there was probably not too much sneaking around behind your back-and the fact that he left you for her showed intent to form a valid relationship, if only for a little while. I've read some of your other posts-you and your husband have some serious issues to work out, especially if his treatment of you hasn't improved. Did she make him leave, and that's why he came crawling back? If the wife was calm, and non threatening, I would consider speaking to her. It seems in your case what's done is done-now it's between you and your husband?
Author StillHurtin Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Thanks! I guess I never really thought about every situation being different, and I know that every situation is different, I just didn't think of that when I posted. The reason why I posted it was b/c I was just curious about it. He broke it off w/ her after about 2 months. We were back 2gether not even a month when my children and I went down to see him in the house we lived at while we were married. Anyhoo, she called and I answered the phone and she asked me if dh had heard the news about a co-worker being in the hospital. She DID NOT need to call him, he could of found out about it at work or from some other co-worker. She just wanted an excuse to call him. I told her never to call again. She told me that I shouldn't be upset w/ her b/c my dh was after her first. I told her that was bulls***, she was after him since day one (which she was, I have seen how she acts around dh, she didn't hide it). She had no comment for that one. She quit calling and that was the end of that. If I were to have an A w/ a MM (and even if he ended it), I surely wouldn't be talking to the W if she answered the phone. I thought she was pretty stupid on that part. And as for the threatening and calm towards her. Towards the end there was nothing calm about me. I was calm at first when I first contacted her but the last phone call I made to her I wasn't calm. I would of made more phone calls or wrote letters, or confronted otherwise but my dh's lawyer wrote my lawyer a letter stating that if I didn't stop all contact w/ the OW she would take legal action. My lawyer strongly adviced me to leave her alone. Dh claims he had this letter drawn up b/c everytime I called and ripped into the OW she would run to dh and yelled at him about it and he got tired of it. I am curious about the "serious issues" you mentioned. Can you please explain? I really don't remember all the things I have posted, maybe I need to go back and read again b/c that has me concerned if someone sees "serious issues". Thanks again!
fanou22 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I agree with Spock. There is no need to dwell on the past. If you want to stay in your marriage then you and your husband need to go to therapy especially with his anger issues and the way he treated you. You are asking the OWs non-generalized questions. Though all affairs seem similar but the particularities of each are different. Who went after the other? No one of us can tell you. What she answers you the way she does? Only her is able to tell you. If you want to work on your marriage then forget about her and move on trying to make it work.
Author StillHurtin Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Mr Spock has made it clear this wasn't the appropriate thing to post as every situation is different. I apologize for posting.
fanou22 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Please don't apologize. Just like we have questions that go unanswered, I am sure you also have tons of qestions. Will you get the answers that you are seeking? Maybe not. You wanted someone to listen to you and give you some input. Someone who is looking at the picture from the outside. It is totally understandable. But look on the bright side, your husband came back to you. The real issue here is not the OW but whether you want him back. Are you willing to work on your marriage?
Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Serious issues in terms that the only thing that appears to have improved for you in this marriage is that he's stopped porking someone else. You're still very unhappy it seems to me. Not wrong to post. Just better for YOU to post your own experience specific questions-the feedback will be more useful to you. What do you want out of your marriage to this man? Sometimes we refuse to let go for the wrong reasons. Fear of being alone. Fear of loss of income. Competition is a big one. Like two dogs with a rope playing tug of war.....and when you get the prize in the end, you may realize it's not that great.
Author StillHurtin Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Your right. I am not the happiest that I want to be. I don't know if it is all b/c of my marriage or b/c we are going through a lot right now financially, and we can't buy a home until ours sells. I am unhappy w/ my weight. I can't believe I let myself gain all this weight back. Right now I am pretty stressed about our home we have in B (85 miles from where I am at now). We have it on the market to sell but haven't had any luck selling it. It has been on the market for a year. It has been shown several times and ppl call. Ppl don't have money and want to rent to own (not doing that, we need money for a down payment on a new home, plus chances are they could trash it out). We struggle from pay check to pay check and so I am stressed about paying all of our bills. In return the stress isn't going great w/ our marriage. Things have improved w/ dh and I, but yes, I think it could improve more. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life w/ him. Money problems are part of my unhappiness. The OW got him fired from his last job. He has gotten another job and it pays almost $4.00 less an hour so it's been hurting us. When I moved away and dh and I were seperated my sister found us a newer trailer home in the country. I wanted to live in the country again so badly. I was willing to live in a 2 bedroom w/ us three (me and my 2 children) but now that dh and I are back 2gether this place is sooooo small. We have no room for the furniture that is still at the house in B. We have to rent a storage shed which is costing us even more $$$$. Yes, I am stressed. I get unhappy when life doesn't seem to be going right. And TBH, I can be a real b!tch when things aren't going right.
FreeMe Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I don't think there was anything wrong with your question. You'll simply get a variety of answers based on people's experiences and personality. Personally, if the MM wanted to work things out with his wife, I wouldn't call him. Period. No matter how strong my feelings were, I would leave him and his family alone and stay as far as possible from them. There would be no opportunity to talk to the wife unless she sought me out. My personal experience was that I was living with my separated boyfriend. He decided to go back to his wife and I wouldn't continue the relationship - any kind of relationship - with him. (He ended up leaving her again though after realizing he hadn't loved her for years.) I hope your husband is worth all this trouble. Sounds like he's verbally abusive to me. Best of luck.
Touch_of_Naughtiness Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by StillHurtin Mr Spock has made it clear this wasn't the appropriate thing to post as every situation is different. I apologize for posting. You do not need to apologize for posting. That's what this site is for. Of course that every situation is different, but for all you know there may be someone on here with a similar situation that can give you some feedback or advice. If her situation happened to be different she does not have to answer your question she can just move on to the next post!!!!!!!! It's not that big of a deal!
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