First time I'm not giving into a fight with Boyfriend, havent heard from him at all.

[minniebelle]

Yesterday afternoon we were on the phone and had a small argument. I wasnt aware of my tone and how I said it but he asked me where I was going and I said "Where else would I go? I'm going home" and he got defensive and retaliated by saying "damn how was I suppose to know" and hung up on me. So i called back and asked why he was so defensive and in the end I apologized and told him I didnt mean to sound that way. Then snapped back saying "Well you better be" (sorry that is). and hearing him say that hurt me, because I had already admitted to being sorry, wasnt that enough? I told him we'd talk later.

 

So Its been about a day and I havent heard from him. Should I call or just wait for him to make a move? I've always been the one to call first to say sorry and fix things..but I had already apologized.

[NoMoreJerks]

I wouldn't call - the ball is in his court.

[Under The Radar]

Hanging up the phone on someone is an incredibly immature thing to do. He is playing a power game right now and expects you to initiate contact.

 

Unfortunately, a pattern has already been established because historically you initiate contact and profusely apologize to him.

 

Do not say you are sorry again; it has already been done. HE should apologize for hanging up the phone on you. Like "No More Jerks" stated above: The ball is in his court.

[minniebelle]

Havent heard from him yet, but I did notice that he was playing xbox with his friends last night and a little bit today. Could that mean that this isnt really a big thing on his mind right now? I have a feeling he wont call today either since his family is over.

 

I have no intention of contacting him first, but its still really hard. Is he waiting for me to contact him first?

[NoMoreJerks]

Havent heard from him yet, but I did notice that he was playing xbox with his friends last night and a little bit today. Could that mean that this isnt really a big thing on his mind right now? I have a feeling he wont call today either since his family is over.

 

I have no intention of contacting him first, but its still really hard. Is he waiting for me to contact him first?

Yes -- he is playing mind games. Do NOT contact him. If you do, you're acting like a doormat.

[Under The Radar]

Havent heard from him yet, but I did notice that he was playing xbox with his friends last night and a little bit today. Could that mean that this isnt really a big thing on his mind right now? I have a feeling he wont call today either since his family is over.

 

I have no intention of contacting him first, but its still really hard. Is he waiting for me to contact him first?

 

 

The answer to your question is yes. Please refer to my previous post for a more detailed explanation .

[Toddbt12y1]

Sorry to hear this.

If he is unwilling to talk to you...when he had the misjudgment over your tone, that is sad. If he doesn't call you soon enough...I'd (personally) consider it over. Not what you wanna hear I know...but he's being uncaring towards you. That is not fair.

 

He sounds controlling to say "you better." Do not be controlled plz

[minniebelle]

If he doesnt attempt to make a move at all or figure this out, I think I've had enough time to think things through, I will probably end the relationship.

 

During the argument I brought up the fact that when he does certain things to me (like this) its perfectly ok, but then I do the same exact thing to him, its not ok. He brought up that he was a very reasonable guy and I kind of opposed that saying that there are times where he believes hes reasonable when hes really not; he just doesnt know it. So he then starts saying that I always turn the blame on him and making me seem I'm perfect. I always swallow my pride to apologize when I really feel like I did something wrong or was out of line. Someone perfect wouldnt have to do that. So after all that was when I apologized for the sassy question in the beginning and then he pulls out the "you better be". Sigh.

 

we've been dating for 11 months, almost a year.

[NoMoreJerks]

If he doesnt attempt to make a move at all or figure this out, I think I've had enough time to think things through, I will probably end the relationship.

 

During the argument I brought up the fact that when he does certain things to me (like this) its perfectly ok, but then I do the same exact thing to him, its not ok. He brought up that he was a very reasonable guy and I kind of opposed that saying that there are times where he believes hes reasonable when hes really not; he just doesnt know it. So he then starts saying that I always turn the blame on him and making me seem I'm perfect. I always swallow my pride to apologize when I really feel like I did something wrong or was out of line. Someone perfect wouldnt have to do that. So after all that was when I apologized for the sassy question in the beginning and then he pulls out the "you better be". Sigh.

He sounds like a manipulator. Reminds me of my ex. Always made me apologize for things. Not once did I hear him say sorry, even when he was clearly in the wrong. Instead, even when HE was to blame for something, he would turn it around and blame ME for it, and then get all pissy about it and stop talking to me and give me the silent treatment for days.

 

Please do not fall for this and do not let him abuse you like this.

[minniebelle]

If he does call me, how should I approach the conversation? What should I say? Im worried I will just blank out.

[NoMoreJerks]

If he does call me, how should I approach the conversation? What should I say? Im worried I will just blank out.

If he does call you, he's probably going to act like nothing happened. I would honestly demand some explanations for his behaviour and set my foot down and tell him that next time this happens, I'm walking. And don't say that if you don't mean it, because chances are, it WILL happen again, and if you do not do as you said you would, he will know you're a pushover.

[Under The Radar]

I am sorry to say it will likely get worse with time. He is demonstrating very controlling and abusive behavior in less than a year of dating you. He is showing you his true colors (which usually happens at the one year mark) and telegraphing what future relations with him will entail. I mentioned earlier that he has already set the "tone" of future arguments with you. A history has already been established where you capitulate and apologize EVEN WHEN IT IS HIS FAULT. We teach people how to treat us.

 

For this realtionships to have any chance of success:

• He needs to contact you first.
  
• He needs to apologize and completely own his bad behavior.
  
• He needs to cease any and all manipulation tactics in the future.
  

Personally, I sincerely doubt he will do these three things. You need to be prepared to walk away with your dignity and self respect. Your consolation will be not wasting anymore time with an abusive man.

[Toddbt12y1]

You do not even need to answer. Block the number. I mean he didn't show you the same treatment.

[minniebelle]

I know im not suppose to call him and I still have no intention to, but this is a lot harder than I thought. I have finals next week and I cannot focus on anything. I keep thinking about this and him and wondering why he hasnt called or checked up on me yet. Sometimes I wonder if hes not calling because he thinks im probably studying really hard, but at the same time that doesnt excuse him for not contacting me at all. We used to text eachother all the time, and we'd call each other throughout the day to catch up. Our relationship was going perfectly ok before this, but now that I havent made the first move to call this time, nothing is being resolved.

[NoMoreJerks]

I know im not suppose to call him and I still have no intention to, but this is a lot harder than I thought. I have finals next week and I cannot focus on anything. I keep thinking about this and him and wondering why he hasnt called or checked up on me yet. Sometimes I wonder if hes not calling because he thinks im probably studying really hard, but at the same time that doesnt excuse him for not contacting me at all. We used to text eachother all the time, and we'd call each other throughout the day to catch up. Our relationship was going perfectly ok before this, but now that I havent made the first move to call this time, nothing is being resolved.

No -- it's not cos he thinks you're studying hard. It's because he's playing a POWER GAME. In such a situation, you are forced to play the same power game, or just break up with him and be done with it. No other way around it, I'm afraid. Just forget about it for now, and focus on your stuff. It's not that hard. Trust me, I've done it -- it was hard the first few days, but after I got really pissed off at his insistence to keep on playing the power game, I said f*ck it, and completely ignored him. Needless to say, he ran back to me after a while, but repeated same behaviour again. I'm afraid it's a personality trait that won't go away...

[minniebelle]

Would it be alright for me to contact him first to arrange a time I could meet him, or stop by his house to end the relationship?

 

Im feeling really hurt right now, and I cant help but cry. I really wish this had better timing. Im occupied by this and stressed about my upcoming tests. I cant do this anymore He knows how stressful school as been for me.

[Cutiepie1976]

Agree. He's not calling because he's trying to show you who's in control. You've always caved, so he's confident that it's just a matter of time before you cave again and call to apologize...again.

 

Busy yourself with your friends and schoolwork. Pick a platonic male friend to study with. Let his friends see the two of you out and about studying. Ignore him until he apologizes.

[Under The Radar]

You are an adult. The choice is yours to make. Understand that nothing will change if you contact him. The fact that finals are coming up, and you are stressed, makes his behavior even more manipulative. He is well aware that you are "squirming" right now with discomfort and anxiety.

 

BTW, if you decide to break up, there is no need to communicate that to him. Your silence (which he totally deserves) will be a louder declaration of your intent than any words could express.

[minniebelle]

I was talking to my friend about this, and he wonders if hes not calling because I said "I'll talk to you later" before I ended the conversation. He thinks my boyfriend is taking that word for word.

[Cutiepie1976]

Would it be alright for me to contact him first to arrange a time I could meet him, or stop by his house to end the relationship?

 

Im feeling really hurt right now, and I cant help but cry. I really wish this had better timing. Im occupied by this and stressed about my upcoming tests. I cant do this anymore He knows how stressful school as been for me.

 

Yes, and he knows that you invariably cave and come groveling back with an apology even when you both know he is at fault. The real reason you're going over to "break up officially":rolleyes: is to re-establish communication and get back together. How can it be acceptable for him to hang up on you mid-conversation?

 

Ugh! Just don't!

 

You'll go over there with an empty threat of breaking up. He'll say okay flippantly, and then you'll dissolve into tears, start begging him to take you back and apologizing furiously...again. Completely unattractive! Plus his behavior will only get worse! You're training him well.

 

He knows that staying silent works like a charm on you, and you're playing right into his hand...yet again!

[Under The Radar]

I was talking to my friend about this, and he wonders if hes not calling because I said "I'll talk to you later" before I ended the conversation. He thinks my boyfriend is taking that word for word.

 

 

Nope, you are being manipulated. The history is there and is in the process of recycling itself. Part of manipulation is creating guilt, doubt, and anxiety in the target (READ: YOU). No doubt, you are presently experiencing all three of these things. Right now, as in the past, you are beginning to rationalize his ridiculously inappropriate behavior. That is a mistake and a road that leads nowhere healthy.

[NoMoreJerks]

I was talking to my friend about this, and he wonders if hes not calling because I said "I'll talk to you later" before I ended the conversation. He thinks my boyfriend is taking that word for word.

Nope - overanalyzing. "I'll talk to you later" doesn't mean YOU will be the one to do the calling. It's just an expression that conveys that we'll talk. He doesn't want to talk, though. He wants to punish you and sulk like a child, and teach you a lesson. He's showing you who's boss, and basically signalling to you that if YOU want to talk, you should GROVEL and BEG.

 

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT call. If, after all this, you DO call him, and he treats you like garbage again (which he will, since this sort of behaviour is NEVER a one-off thing), you've got no one but yourself to blame.

[Under The Radar]

Yes, and he knows that you invariably cave and come groveling back with an apology even when you both know he is at fault. The real reason you're going over to "break up officially":rolleyes: is to re-establish communication and get back together. How can it be acceptable for him to hang up on you mid-conversation?

 

Ugh! Just don't!

 

You'll go over there with an empty threat of breaking up. He'll say okay flippantly, and then you'll dissolve into tears, start begging him to take you back and apologizing furiously...again. Completely unattractive! Plus his behavior will only get worse! You're training him well.

 

He knows that staying silent works like a charm on you, and you're playing right into his hand...yet again!

 

 

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

 

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[NoMoreJerks]

Yes, and he knows that you invariably cave and come groveling back with an apology even when you both know he is at fault. The real reason you're going over to "break up officially":rolleyes: is to re-establish communication and get back together. How can it be acceptable for him to hang up on you mid-conversation?

 

Ugh! Just don't!

 

You'll go over there with an empty threat of breaking up. He'll say okay flippantly, and then you'll dissolve into tears, start begging him to take you back and apologizing furiously...again. Completely unattractive! Plus his behavior will only get worse! You're training him well.

 

He knows that staying silent works like a charm on you, and you're playing right into his hand...yet again!

Yup. Exactly. Can't tell you how many times I did this with my ex, until I finally came to my senses and broke the cycle by dumping his ass and going NC.

[Under The Radar]

Nope - overanalyzing. "I'll talk to you later" doesn't mean YOU will be the one to do the calling. It's just an expression that conveys that we'll talk. He doesn't want to talk, though. He wants to punish you and sulk like a child, and teach you a lesson. He's showing you who's boss, and basically signalling to you that if YOU want to talk, you should GROVEL and BEG.

 

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT call. If, after all this, you DO call him, and he treats you like garbage again (which he will, since this sort of behaviour is NEVER a one-off thing), you've got no one but yourself to blame.

 

 

^^^^^AND THIS^^^^^

 

If going over to see your boyfriend was a gameshow it would be called: YOU LOSE! Don't do it ......