Hurt Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 I broke up with a girl I had been very much in love with for the past 10 months, she was constantly telling me she loved me and yet she was also on the email with her ex, as well as going to his house, I just could not take th jealousy and hurt so I let her go, now I miss her!!! I sent her an email a week ago just saying I hope she was well, she never responded, now I am feeling the loss! I asked her several times that ex's have no place in a relationship, she kept telling me that they were just friends, we broke up once before for the same reason, she told me she was busy one Sunday and I eventually got h her to tell me that she had made plans to go over his house. Should I go thru the hurt and not contact her again? We were freinds first, and she would tell me how much she loved this guy who had dumped her, we fell in live and here we are 10 months later she is still in contact with him, I would ask her if he knew about me or if she had told him she was in love with me and she told me it never came up???? Does not make any sense! When I broke up with her, she told me she loved me and that it was an innocent mistake she made of setting up a time to go over his hse, I just had to stop, I just dont trust that she was being honest about her feelings towards her ex! Hurt
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 What confuses me is that you chose an angry face for your message. In the end, you only have your own selfishness to blame for the situation. It's not the Ex's, it's your *insecurities* that have no place in the relationship. If she wants to be friends with her ex, then that's her goddamn decision and not yours. You should be happy for her that she has the friendship, but obviously you only thought about your own needs.
KaiaMahina Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I disagree with Papillon that it has to do with "insecurities." I don't care how SECURE you are in yourself, the fact that the woman you love is in constant contact with a man she was once intimately involved with, and goes to his home in a secretive manner, and has never bothered to tell this man about you would make anyone think twice. I think this has to do more with HER insecurity and indecisiveness about who she wants to be with, and keeping someone on a string to fall back on. Namely YOU. She's not over this person or she would be more aboveboard about contacting him, and she would have told him all about you. She's playing both sides against the middle and hedging her bets so that she doesn't end up alone. I don't think you did anything wrong.
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Of course it's his fault. Instead of communicating, he breaks up with her. I am still very good friends with my ex girlfriends, and I go visit them often. We act like adults, realise that we were special to each other in "that" way once, but that we moved on. That does not mean that the friendship we had has to die. It's pure selfishness to expect someone to give up that friendship. I don't think her intention was to decieve him, or that she still had designs on her ex - she probably hid it from him because she knew he wouldn't like it. I think her dishonesty was bred out of his distrust.
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 If it was a healthy relationship between her and her ex , then why when I asked her if he knew about me she would tell me that I never came up in their conversations????? He left her 7 years ago after a 5 year relationship, she married another man on the rebound and then divorced him, met me, we became freinds, she told me many times she was still in love with her ex boyfriend! We ended up falling in love, yes I was insecure, but the constant emailing back and forth for 10 months was killing me. Everytime I would walk in the room, she would sign off email. Was is right for her to tell me she was busy on a given day and then for me to find out that she had made plans to go see him? I dont know!!!!! this hurts and I want her back! I asked her several times that I would be more comfortable if maybe I could meet him, that never happened. Why the constant contact????? I told her this was hurting me. The day I left her was because I asked her to dinner and she told me she was going to his house!!!! What else could I feel but hurt!
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Going to an ex's house for four hrs when he lives an hour away????? I never told her to break the friendship, I asked her if she could put it on hold for a while, I asked to meet him, why would she not tell him about me?? I also have ex's. theu know all about her, I dont go over their homes for hrs! I would be more than glad to introduce her to an ex if I had nothing to hide. her email was open one day and I read how she was telling him how much she cared for him! yes I was insecure, but there are boundries in every relationship! why am I wrong???
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 I never asked her to give up the friendship, I only asked for boundries NO its not right for her to go to his house for four hrs! yes I am angry that in the end I was hurt!!!!!
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Friends tell me not to contact her, its been a month and I want to call, I have been reading the no contact rule, help me on this!!!!!
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Hmmm....now that you've gone into greater detail, it paints a completely different picture, and I was mistaken in my initial assesment. I apologise if you were offended. Seems KaiaMahina's instincts are a lot better than mine I think the no contact rule can be bent by writing a letter. But don't mail it straight away. Let it hang around for a couple of days, then read it again. You'll be surprised at how much you'll censor from it.
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 The email I am holding on to says "I did not leave you because I stopped loving you, you were very selfish and self centered in our relationship, it hurt me more that you would continue this relationship with you your ex than I hurt now" I told her 3 months into the relationship with me that I did not want to be in love with her because I did not want to be hurt! she told me she loved me and that I shuld fall in love with her! three days later she lies to me about having somthing to do when in fact shae had made plans to see her ex, I left her house that day very hurt, I later found out that she went to his house anyway, thats the email I read a week later, telling him that she was open anytime for dinner etc...and how much she had enjoyed seeing him! Never a mention of me?????? I am hurting over this, I wake up at 4am and cant rest, do I send her the email??? I am told to have no contact because I would only be hurt again, I am sure they have seen each other by now, yes I would now have too many questions in my head!!!! what do I do? let her go, move on?? I do not trust her anymore
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 I have a friendly relationship with an ex, but she knows how much I love my girlfriend, I am very clear with her so that that my intentions are not confused, I also do not go to her house and if I did, I would make sure that my gf would have met her.
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I think the e-mail is too accusatory and self-righteous (even it its all true). You both had a problem, her with her emotional dependence on her ex, you with the distrust it caused. You know it's better to call it a day, so do it. P.S...email = no no. Make it a nice handprinted letter. It's more "final".
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Heres what happened a month ago, we were not getting along the week prior, I called her to go to dinner with me to make up, she then told me she had made plans, when I asked her, she told me she was going to his house, I was hurt and told her it was over between us, she then told me she cancelled with him, I still broke up with her, beacause I felt that she made these plans knowing I would be hurt. She told me it was an innocent mistake, I was hurt and angry, because why did shew make the plan to see him knowing this would be an issue, we were not broken up at the time, we were trying to workd thru our issues, why would she go to his house?????? I love her and I moiss her, but I cant be with her not knowing when this will happen again!! am I wrong??
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 Papillion, you mean forget her and move on?
Papillon Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I wonder how clear you told her to choose. It's obvious now that her obsession with her ex isn't healthy, and that it's at the root of everything. If she cannot move on from him, what use is persuing a relationship? It's like trying to make an ass trot when all the donkey wants to do is munch on the grass by the road.
dub03 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Hurt... I think your ex is probably regretting her decision to stay in contact with her ex knowing that you didn't like it, and was the reason you ended it. I had the same situation in my last relationship, I stayed friends w/ my ex, and still talked to her. My girlfriend absolutely hated it. Whether it played a part in why we she broke up with me... I don't know...but I do know that if I could go back I probably would have broken off contact with my ex... it would have with out question alleviated many of the problems in our relationship.
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 I asked her that day to choose and said I choose you, the problem is that I heard that before, I dont know, now I miss her and yet if I try to get her back, I will then have to deal with if she saw him? will I get hurt again? all that crap that may have happened in the last 4 weeks. what makes me think she has changed in one month? She has a 3 and 4 year old that I was commited to, they also got hurt in this whole thing, my question to myself is why? why she just didnt stop??? we were talking about getting married! I am confused!!! she has never called me since, I saw her at a dance and I walked up and told her it was good to see her agin about two weeks ago, her reply was you too and she looked away. Maybe its over and its best for me to go thru the pain and learn from this! ?????I want to write a letter, but then I ask myself, what am I getting into? now there are alot of questions in my mind about the ex, has she seen him? will she continue and just not tell me? alot of insecurity has come out of this!
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 post 16, if she feels that way, why has she not contacted me? she told a friend of mine that I dymped her and she was angry!!!
Author Hurt Posted August 10, 2004 Author Posted August 10, 2004 You guys are keeping me sane, Papillion, its hard and I am thinking that I should not write or do anything, I am afraid that if I write and started it up again, I will be getting hurt some more.???
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 One thing you have to remember that this is most assuredly not easy for her, either. The last thing you want to do is rub salt into the wounds. IMO, it's important that she knows that you care for her, but that you have decided that the two of you are simply not compatible. Simple as that. Assigning blame is not going to solve anything. You have to move past the stage of pointing fingers and feeling done in.
Author Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 You know, I think at the end of the day she will continue that relationship with her ex, its a wierd game they play, he dumped her 7 years ago and he keeps her on a string!
Author Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 I am still hurt, and I am not out to hurt her, I am angry that she wont call to say that she is sorry!! Thats how she treated me all this time, it was always about her feelings.
KaiaMahina Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 I think dubo has come across with something very significant. Her ex dumped her seven years ago. Count 'em, seven! I could somewhat understand her dilemma if she were newly broken up from this guy, and that perhaps, given time and free will, she may get over him and begin a better relationship with Hurt. But if she's not over this guy after seven years, and is obviously making a lot of contact with him, this may be one of those weird things where she's on a string possibly for the rest of her life with this guy. The fact that she hasn't told him about Hurt is very ominous. It's almost as though she wants to make her ex continue to believe that she's available. And I can especially identify with Hurt in that he explained to her why he was afraid to fall in love with her, and she reassured and actively encouraged him to fall for her. My ex fiance worked very hard to gain my trust. He would actively inquire as to whether I trusted him, and to please believe that we were going to be married, and to surrender my doubts. The minute I did -- WHAMMO! He left me. The only thing worse than betraying someone's trust is aggressively pursuing that trust pursposefully and then betraying it. Hurt, I would let her go...she's stuck on this guy for whatever reason, and she won't be free until she decides to get over it. Do you want to wait and hope for that eventuality, and be hurt over and over in meantime? That's the choice you have to make.
Author Hurt Posted August 11, 2004 Author Posted August 11, 2004 Thank you Kaia, I simply do not understand her and why she continued all this when she told me we were going to get marries etc...I became insecure, hurt and all that goes when a person is keeping secrets, she would talk to him and yet never tell him about me! I asked her 2 months ago if they were still in contact and she told me only every few months, I asked if he knew about me, she said yes, I asked her what he knew about me and she told me that the last time she spoke with him she had told him that we has broken up which was true, see this whole game of hers was a lie, you do not goe over an ex"s house if the ex is not clear about your present relationship. When I left her last month, she told me she had made an innocent mistake! I left because these are not mistakes, she called made a date with him. That hurt!
Papillon Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 The minute I did -- WHAMMO! He left me Ouch - that's pretty hard core. At least your conscience is clear.
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