justcantletgo Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Things he told me about his BW when we were both neck-deep in our EA: She spends a lot. She's bad in finances. She treats him like crap at home. Wont and refused to have sex with him. She's lazy. He does all the household chores. She treats him like crap in front of her friends. She won't give him oral. If she does, she spits which he hates. She always rejects intimacy. Claims they will never have a single child if not for him starting foreplays. She tried to take their children away from him and bring them to another state. She cheated on him with a drug addict. Which I found out later on that she never did. I thought this was the worst one. Claiming your BS was cheating when you're the one who's cheating
MissBee Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 (edited) What did you think of it/him when he told you? It's always interesting for me to hear these things as my A was the opposite....he never said a bad word about her. He didn't bring her up that much except when he had to and it would be matters of fact, like she works in this industry or she is picking up our son etc and not any detailed stories about her or discussions of her personality/their sex life etc. I'm not sure how I'd feel if he whined and complained and cried to me about her faults. I think for me, it wouldn't make me sorry for him, I'd feel him to be very tacky to be broadcasting his business and also very silly, as he chose her, so why cry about it....do something about it then! But it's just not a very good quality to have IMO and for me, it certainly wouldn't get my juices flowing. I think I would just assume he was lying, exaggerating and scapegoating her and I'd trust him even less and I'd also wonder the kind of things he'd say about me to people if we did end up together and split. I like a man who is discreet....and as contradictory as As are...I'd prefer my A partner to be one who at least respects his wife's name and character and doesn't bad mouth her to his mistress. She's still the mother of his child(ren) if he has any and he still CHOSE her. That's more tolerable to me personally than one who uses me to biitch about her...I'd feel him to just not be a very discreet individual and to also be disrespecting me by constantly talking about his wife. Edited December 2, 2012 by MissBee 3
Spark1111 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I agree with MissBee! How disrespectful and telling of a man' character that does this! he chose her and IF it is all true, what a poor judge of character he is! he stayed with her so what does that say about his love of being the victim, or his total cowardice in choosing to stay with her! Three kids? Three kids says enough sex, gratifying sex and attraction. I don't care who initiated. Obviously, no one was abstaining either. Could not have been all that bad. And, as the old adage goes, how they talk about their partner is how they will TALK about you some day. No respect, no character, no class. 7
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Things he told me about his BW when we were both neck-deep in our EA: She spends a lot. She's bad in finances. She treats him like crap at home. Wont and refused to have sex with him. She's lazy. He does all the household chores. She treats him like crap in front of her friends. She won't give him oral. If she does, she spits which he hates. She always rejects intimacy. Claims they will never have a single child if not for him starting foreplays. She tried to take their children away from him and bring them to another state. She cheated on him with a drug addict. Which I found out later on that she never did. I thought this was the worst one. Claiming your BS was cheating when you're the one who's cheating For me this is worse than a PA. I'd rather my W had a ONS with someone than discuss the soul-baring intimate details of our life and relationship with them. That's the ultimate betrayal and the hardest to forgive... Mr. Lucky 6
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 These are all classic lines right out of the MM's Handbook. Cheaters handbook. MW's do this too. It's called minimizing the BS in the worst possible way and rewriting marital history to suit the cheater in best possible light. 10
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Cheaters handbook. MW's do this too. It's called minimizing the BS in the worst possible way and rewriting marital history to suit the cheater in best possible light. I couldn't believe some of the insane crap my ex was telling her OM... Much of it flat out lies, or things she had never bothered to even mention to me =\ Well she finally did come to me with issues...2 months into her affair. A bit too late ya think? 1
road Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Just another WS saying what ever they have to say to get laid. Truth, false, a blend of both. The end justifies the means. Getting his end into her means. 8
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Things he told me about his BW when we were both neck-deep in our EA: She spends a lot. She's bad in finances. She treats him like crap at home. Wont and refused to have sex with him. She's lazy. He does all the household chores. She treats him like crap in front of her friends. She won't give him oral. If she does, she spits which he hates. She always rejects intimacy. Claims they will never have a single child if not for him starting foreplays. She tried to take their children away from him and bring them to another state. She cheated on him with a drug addict. Which I found out later on that she never did. I thought this was the worst one. Claiming your BS was cheating when you're the one who's cheating Justcantletgo, I'm curious about your reasons for presenting these points this way. You seem to be trying, at least compared to your MM, to stake out some moral higher ground after the fact. If his need to trash his BS reveals him to be shallow and self-serving, what does you willingness to listen to it say ??? I'm assuming you didn't cut him off the moment he dropped the first tidbit about his wife... Mr. Lucky
freestyle Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Things he told me about his BW when we were both neck-deep in our EA: She spends a lot. She's bad in finances. She treats him like crap at home. Wont and refused to have sex with him. She's lazy. He does all the household chores. She treats him like crap in front of her friends. She won't give him oral. If she does, she spits which he hates. She always rejects intimacy. Claims they will never have a single child if not for him starting foreplays. She tried to take their children away from him and bring them to another state. She cheated on him with a drug addict. Which I found out later on that she never did. I thought this was the worst one. Claiming your BS was cheating when you're the one who's cheating Allow me to translate this for you... "Rescue me, save me, poor, poor, long-suffering, pitiful me!" 8
Author justcantletgo Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 No I didn't cut him off right away MrLucky, I was on his team that time so naturally, I ended up hating her too for mistreating him. I only posted it here coz I wonder why he felt the need to go that length to talk s#!t about her. These 3 I found the funniest: She tried to hit on me and grab my butt when the kids are opening their presents last Christmas. It felt so blah, I wish I was with you instead (turned out they spent the Christmas together as a family and from the Christmas pictures I saw later on, quite happily. If there was any butt-grabbing happened, I am convinced it was welcomed) She hates counselors and therapists. She refused to work on our marriage, she cheated on me with a crackhead so I filed for divorce ( They were never divorced, and she was the one who signed up for MC after I outed to her he was cheating on her with me) We rarely have sex and if we do, she doesn't swallow. She always asks me to tell her whenever I'm near so she can stop ( "Funny thing is, when he was doing all this with you, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he would never cheat on me. We were even trying to have our 4th baby"---his wife words lol)
skylarblue Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 xMM didn't start off that way, but he trash talked his W regularly and with such disdain and lack of emotion and loyalty. It was quite surprising. Everything was wrong with her and what she did and how she acted according to complaints/criticisms of xMM (he never complained about their sex life, and only twice made reference about her appearance). I don't consider it lies as much as making mountains out of molehills (although they were lies/exaggerations) and just being an unsupportive jerk (particularly when it came to her parenting or something that he'd told her before) because it was normally done while relaying some argument that they had. Numerous times I've pondered how could his actions not affect how I see him, but I guess when you have no emotional attachment to a situation (in this case the W) it's easy to dismiss. Although it didn't affect how I felt about xMM it did give me alot of insight and answers that wasn't really very helpful to him.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 No I didn't cut him off right away MrLucky, I was on his team that time so naturally, I ended up hating her too for mistreating him. I only posted it here coz I wonder why he felt the need to go that length to talk s#!t about her. These 3 I found the funniest: She tried to hit on me and grab my butt when the kids are opening their presents last Christmas. It felt so blah, I wish I was with you instead (turned out they spent the Christmas together as a family and from the Christmas pictures I saw later on, quite happily. If there was any butt-grabbing happened, I am convinced it was welcomed) She hates counselors and therapists. She refused to work on our marriage, she cheated on me with a crackhead so I filed for divorce ( They were never divorced, and she was the one who signed up for MC after I outed to her he was cheating on her with me) We rarely have sex and if we do, she doesn't swallow. She always asks me to tell her whenever I'm near so she can stop ( "Funny thing is, when he was doing all this with you, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he would never cheat on me. We were even trying to have our 4th baby"---his wife words lol) I still find your approach a little off-putting. If he was "in the fog" and "on the team", why doesn't he get the same free pass as a talker that you get as a listener? The purpose of your post seems to be to point out that he was a jerk for telling you these things. Takes two to have a conversation... Mr. Lucky
waterwoman Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 H didn'tie to ow about me. He told her he loved me and wasn't going go leave me. Which is presumably why she dumped him 'because she couldn't have all of him'. Which goes to prove that he was an inexperienced mm and simply not very good at it Telling her that I was useless and selfish might have kept her hanging around longer
skylarblue Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Can you imagine if MM told the real and total truth? And so many OW foolishly think their MM don't lie to them. Convincing themselves, "There's no reason for him to lie to me." So, are you saying there are no cheating MM who really are in bad M and with horrible W? Or MM who divorce for the OW? Or OW in an affair with a happily MM? Because I can vouche for all three (personally and others I've known) Kind of a blanket statement to make that kinda irks me because I think it is so wrong or unfair. Majority liars, probably. All liars, no. 1
MissBee Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 No I didn't cut him off right away MrLucky, I was on his team that time so naturally, I ended up hating her too for mistreating him. I only posted it here coz I wonder why he felt the need to go that length to talk s#!t about her. These 3 I found the funniest: She tried to hit on me and grab my butt when the kids are opening their presents last Christmas. It felt so blah, I wish I was with you instead (turned out they spent the Christmas together as a family and from the Christmas pictures I saw later on, quite happily. If there was any butt-grabbing happened, I am convinced it was welcomed) She hates counselors and therapists. She refused to work on our marriage, she cheated on me with a crackhead so I filed for divorce ( They were never divorced, and she was the one who signed up for MC after I outed to her he was cheating on her with me) We rarely have sex and if we do, she doesn't swallow. She always asks me to tell her whenever I'm near so she can stop ( "Funny thing is, when he was doing all this with you, he would tell me how much he loved me and how he would never cheat on me. We were even trying to have our 4th baby"---his wife words lol) How did you listen to this stuff...OMG ...I would have probably had to make a rule that you don't complain to me about your W. I frankly could not stand to listen to this. Omg...discussing intimate details about swallowing/not swallowing. He's liek a 17 year old in the boy's locker room...smh. It's really distasteful. Good luck to his wife! As frankly, if my H cheated on me, there are several things that would make reconciling impossible, and that includes if he has relayed details about our sex life, whether truthful or lies or exaggerated details, to the OW. I would never forgive that. My exAP's policy, which I realize is contradictory, but showed he had some amount of principle, was that he isn't going to discuss his relationship with her to me, as that's their relationship and he would also never discuss ours with her or anyone else, because it's ours. I respect that a lot more than Mr.Whiny-Blabbermouths who have to throw the women in their lives under the bus to look good or gain pity. Grow up! 3
xxoo Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 She won't give him oral. If she does, she spits which he hates. She always rejects intimacy. Claims they will never have a single child if not for him starting foreplays. She won't give oral (except when she does). She always rejects intimacy (except when she doesn't). Ummm......????? Obviously, he isn't telling the whole truth 2
Tenacity Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 But ask any OW and she'll tell you HER married man doesn't lie to her. Really? ANY OW would say that? Every single one says that? 1
Tenacity Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Every single OW on these boards that I have ever seen who has been told or had it implied that their MM is probably lying to them ALWAYS says that their MM doesn't lie to them. And the ones who don't come right out and post it are probably thinking it. So yeah, I'm saying "any OW" based on that. Ya know how there's the "MM Handbook?" This is one of those "OW Handbook" type lines. I did not have an "OW" handbook while in the affair then, obviously, because I have stated all over these boards that he lied to me and gaslighted me all the way through the affair. Nor did I delude myself into thinking he was Mister Honest while I was IN the affair. And I really don't need to be beat up about how stupid I was during that time. I realize it and have stated it over and over on these boards. I think something that you don't realize is how hurtful is it to come here and repeatedly, over and over, read messages about how OW are all cruel heartless beasts and keep getting hit over the head about that time in my life, which I'm trying to heal from and not let it DEFINE who or what I am. That time during my life was the worst ever, but I will not let anyone here or anywhere else think of me as a terrible person. Please don't deny that is the intent in many of these posts, because the level of venom and the generalizations and the words are meant to HURT. And guess what - they do. I hope that makes such people feel better - that they have accomplished their goals. That time of my life almost destroyed me, even if it was MY FAULT which I have again admitted repeatedly. I am trying to heal, and this place is supposed to be a haven but so often it just breaks me down again and pulls me backwards. 2
2sure Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Nobody is going to like this, or at least not like me, but it's my truth. When I was OW, intentionally, several times over..each one of my MM initially talked badly about their wives, various things all right out out of the handbook...theme was always always about He was being taken advantage of, being neglected, she was nuts, etc etc, gag, gag... Anyway, like I said, I didn't fall into these affairs accidentally and unlike their previous OW, I didn't need convincing....so To cut to the chase, I immediately told them that I didn't want to hear it. The result? After we became friends, they actually liked their wives as people, thought they were wonderful mothers , intelligent and beautiful. And I'm serious, not exaggerating . Mind you, no one knows better than me that happy spouses do cheat and so do unhappy ones, for different reasons. But their stories? Always the same, and often gratuitous...whatever it takes, ya know? just depends what OW needs to hear. 12
2sure Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 It's true. They will tell you what you need to hear to make it happen. And because I didnt require the song and dance to get the same result...people think my experience was that of a call girl rather than OW. Nope. I had feelings. I loved the way they made me feel. Most OW on here will say " I know it's wrong but....". I just never said " But..". Point being...very very very rarely can you know your hearing the truth...and so what if you are? 8
2sure Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 But it's OK right? To make the connection, to me, is the only way to take something really really good and valuable away from the mistake...and if you don't, geez, that's just sad . But the alternative is actually quite beautiful. Ive learned things that, had I had more sense at the time...I'd have never known and wouldn't want to not know. Sounds crazy. 3
Summer Breeze Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 DMM barely spoke about his W when we were in the A. The R we had was with us and she wasn't part of it. I always accepted the fact I could be wrong believing he didn't lie to me but as I've grilled him recently I believe it even more now than I did then. I actually learned more about her when she and I talked after ddays. Tenacity--I never got the handbook either I guess. I was the worst OW in the world I think. 1
cocorico Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 Can you imagine if MM told the real and total truth? I don't need to imagine it. I lived it. Some MM may lie, but others don't. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 I don't need to imagine it. I lived it. Some MM may lie, but others don't. Affairs and lies go hand and hand. There's just no way around it. Stupidest thing my MIL ever said was "<ninja>. DOES. NOT. LIE." (ninja being my ex) Funny thing was when I recounted that to MY mother she was like, "Surely she knows her daughter lies!? I've hardly been in her presence and she hasn't lied about something!" Wow Mom! For about 2 months I felt the same way actually. We talk less and less now as the parenting plan is done and we are getting used to our coparenting patterns. 2
2sure Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 I think that in an affair situation when both partners are completely agreed that it will never lead to life changes And the BS is pretty much never brought up, it might be possible that MM is not lying to OW. Might be possible I guess but still, I'm doubtful because... All of the above were present when I was OW, especially when I said upfront " no complaining about BS, marriage, etc. "....But they would describe themselves, their children, their accomplishments...everything in a self depricating but perfect way. Fairy tailish. Also...if they are capable of living such a huge Whopper...I just couldn't take them at their word. Didn't need to though.
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