He doesn't think we could work

[mellow_yellow]

Hello kind folks of LS!

 

I was wondering whether I could ask your input on the following situation... Have been thinking about this for a while, but I have also been lurking on this forum for a long time, and have learnt a lot from posters. So I would be grateful for your opinions

 

The situation I'm in is this:

 

I'm a woman of 34. The guy in question is 25. We're both at med school, with less than a year to go before we graduate.

 

I told him a month or so ago that I like him. He said he didn't want a relationship right now because of studies, not knowing where he'll match. He broke up with someone a year ago, due to distance and also incompatibilities (don't know that much about it).

 

I've been single for 2.5 years. My ex was the one that instigated the break-up, but I'd had doubts for a while and just wasn't brave enough to break up first. I'm fine now, don't miss him. I do miss having a bf though.

 

Ok. After the initial sucky rejection feeling I started to wonder... Does he mean he doesn't want a r/s right now with *anyone*, or just not with me? I suspect the latter. And not knowing was not sitting right with me, as it makes it harder to get over him...if I know there is no chance ever it would be easier. So I asked him.

 

He told me that he can't imagine a long-term r/s between us working. The reasons he gave were: our interests are too different, and the age-gap (he'd want to date someone younger than me). He says he's had enough relationships to get a feeling for when something just wouldn't work long-term.

 

Initially I thought "but how you can you know that if you've not dated someone?" Then I thought some more. And I realised that there were certain men that *I* could not imagine having a long-term r/s with. For example, men that are much older or much younger than me (I do admit, our age-gap worried me, but I tried not to think about it). Or men that are very religious (I'm not). Or men that I don't find attractive.

 

I don't know whether he finds me attractive. He's never said either way. And I don't know whether that plays a part in him getting this feeling that it wouldn't work. Maybe he's just not attracted to me, period.

 

For some reason, that would hurt more than me being too old. But I don't have the guts to ask him that, so I'll never know.

 

And this is what I wanted to ask people's opinions about:

 

If you imagine someone single, with no bad habits (such as addictions, criminal tendencies), a stable job. Your average Joe or Jane, basically.

 

Can you decide someone would not be a long-term prospect without dating them? Can you decide this based on things like common (or not common) interests, or age?

 

Or does it all simply boil down to "I don't find them attractive"? Is that the top dealbreaker?

 

Thanks in advance!

 

MY

Edited December 1, 2012 by mellow_yellow

[Eddie Edirol]

Can you decide someone would not be a long-term prospect without dating them? Can you decide this based on things like common (or not common) interests?

 

Or does it all boil down to "I don't find them attractive"?

 

its as bad as you think. You have to remember, he's 25. You seem alot older to him than you think, makes the age gap wider in perspective. Maybe if you were 25 he'd feel different, maybe he looks at you and just doesnt find love. Maybe he's not attracted to you physically, maybe he's worried about the complications about what his family and friends would think. I know this for sure, when I was 25, anything over 27 wasnt on my radar. Now that I'm 40, nothing under 30 is on my radar. I dont even want to bother with the differences, so I understand his point.

 

Plus, maybe he wants to date a woman that is younger than him, has his age friends, and they all can relate to each other. Do you think you'd be able to relate to his 20-25y/o friends? They'd all probably feel awkward. This is the type of stuff he might not want to deal with.

 

If you wanted to give someone you didnt like at first a shot, you know you wanted to try an make it work. He doesnt even want to try. I've done that too. I tried different personality types, and the more I date, the more I learn how to be more selective, when I know what wont work, or what I dont want to try to make work.

 

Also, he could still be holding a torch for his ex. I would just assume he isnt attracted to you physically. When you see him arm in arm with some young girl, you will have your answer. So for now, dont worry about it. And next time, you might want to flirt a lil sooner before getting attached to the guy. You cant be worried about why a guy doesnt want to date you just because you are getting lonely.

[FitChick]

I know someone who is not a good long term bet right now because he isn't over his divorce. He just wants to screw around. It's a shame because if he were past that angry/bitter point, I'd definitely consider him for long term or marriage. I always seem to meet great guys at terrible times in their lives. Timing is everything!

[Ninjainpajamas]

He doesn't think it could work out because he simply isn't interested/attracted enough to pursue a future relationship with you...at all, ever.

 

Whether it's age, or just he's not attracted or other attributes or a combination of really doesn't matter, I'm not sure why you're obsessed over the fact other than thinking you could change something or using it to determine your own value...but it's a waste of time, the guy is 25 years old, and while he can use you up for some sex medical students are necessarily known to be the smoothest casanovas around, but he is being honest with at the least and direct.

 

He's not going to change, I think timing is important however I think that's half an excuse as well, and even if it's not, it'll never change, the timing is what it is you cannot change that fact at all.

 

I'm not sure why people see value in other generic qualities either...guys don't care if you're nice, drug free, alcohol free, etc if they're not interested/attracted to you, so using that as a basis of judgment to determine whether you'd make a good partner or not is ridiculous, it takes a lot more than that to make a love connection and sustain a relationship, those qualities while important to different people only come into play as perks or deal-breakers ultimately, not to mention most people think highly of themselves or feel they meet this generic criteria to being dateable.

 

The other thing is you're going into dating wanting a BF, while it's good to know what you want you are clearly thinking that you can make this guy your Bf someway if you can figure out a way around his obstacles to give yo a "chance". He doesn't need to be with you to know that, that would be like you going to the store and seeing some shoes or a dress that you don't like but how can you know unless you try all the shoes and dresses you don't like on first? it doesn't make any sense, you don't want it or like it, it's not your style then that's all you need to know, you don't need to waste your time trying all these things you aren't really interested before you can know you aren't going to like them.

 

I think you're completely wasting your time, he hasn't mentioned he's attracted or not because he isn't, he isn't trying to flirt with you or hit on you...you shouldn't keep pressing the issues and especially with men you should believe what they, because they're hardly ever lying about something they don't like w women.

[mellow_yellow]

He doesn't think it could work out because he simply isn't interested/attracted enough to pursue a future relationship with you...at all, ever.

 

Whether it's age, or just he's not attracted or other attributes or a combination of really doesn't matter, I'm not sure why you're obsessed over the fact other than thinking you could change something or using it to determine your own value...

 

Yes, I do that. I have always felt "not good enough" when it comes to dating, and this has opened up that can of worms again

 

He doesn't need to be with you to know that, that would be like you going to the store and seeing some shoes or a dress that you don't like but how can you know unless you try all the shoes and dresses you don't like on first? it doesn't make any sense, you don't want it or like it, it's not your style then that's all you need to know, you don't need to waste your time trying all these things you aren't really interested before you can know you aren't going to like them.

 

Yes, that makes sense. And so it comes down to "not my taste" = I don't find you attractive enough.

[mellow_yellow]

its as bad as you think. You have to remember, he's 25. You seem alot older to him than you think, makes the age gap wider in perspective. Maybe if you were 25 he'd feel different, maybe he looks at you and just doesnt find love. Maybe he's not attracted to you physically, maybe he's worried about the complications about what his family and friends would think. I know this for sure, when I was 25, anything over 27 wasnt on my radar. Now that I'm 40, nothing under 30 is on my radar. I dont even want to bother with the differences, so I understand his point.

 

Also, he could still be holding a torch for his ex. I would just assume he isnt attracted to you physically. When you see him arm in arm with some young girl, you will have your answer. So for now, dont worry about it. And next time, you might want to flirt a lil sooner before getting attached to the guy. You cant be worried about why a guy doesnt want to date you just because you are getting lonely.

 

That's what I thought. I also thought that the "I don't want a r/s right now" meant "I don't want a r/s right now (or ever) with you".

 

I'm also still a little ambiguous how I feel about the age gap. I feel old. I want a family, but time is beginning to run out. I really doubted whether a 25 year old would feel ready to have a family before I'm too old for children.

 

He's the first guy I feel attracted to in 2.5 years. And strangely enough I haven't thought much about whether a long-term r/s would work. I guess his age was always a spanner in the works. I do admit though I wonder what it would be like to get physical with him. It doesn't happen often that I really fancy someone physically. So I'm curious.

[DC4]

I know someone who is not a good long term bet right now because he isn't over his divorce. He just wants to screw around. It's a shame because if he were past that angry/bitter point, I'd definitely consider him for long term or marriage. I always seem to meet great guys at terrible times in their lives. Timing is everything!

 

Stop dating the same men I am, please.

[dasein]

IMO med students facing residency are due some slack when they say they aren't in a relationship mode right now, as opposed to the usual advice that he just doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

To answer your general question, yes, I feel people can rule out prospective dates without actually dating them based on attraction level and other preference factors.

[mellow_yellow]

Then I guess the question I need to figure out the answer to is:

 

Why does it bother me so much if a guy does not consider me attractive enough to date/see something long-term with me?

 

Because it does affect my self-worth, and I know it shouldn't

Edited December 2, 2012 by mellow_yellow

[dasein]

We can't really help you there, it may be a function of not really being rejected much in life or just natural pangs that accompany rejection. Since you have self-identified it as an issue, you have all the tools you need to discount it and move past it.

[charlietheginger]

He told you he is not interested

So move on....

 

Never take it personal not everyone

You like will like you the same way...

 

Thats just how the ball bounces but

Dont worry you have lots of basketball

Courts to bounce on when you find the right

Man it will be a slamdunk...

[mellow_yellow]

Oh, quite the opposite: I have been rejected by quite a few men in my life. All the ones I asked out, in fact. And I don't get much interest from them. I guess it's because I'm not very attractive. Personally I don't think I'm unattractive, but men obviously differ in their opinion.

 

Dasein, I was curious about whether the matching/applying for residency was an issue, and that's why I asked him. What if we matched to the same city? Was there a possibility of anything happening between us. He said - quite nicely, to his credit - that there wasn't, and never would be.

 

And this really has put me down. I feel old, and unattractive.

 

I'm not sure I understand what you mean though when you say I have identified it as an issue, and can now move past it.

 

Do you mean I know that I need to see a therapist? Or that I should just accept that I feel rubbish, and that's life and I should just get over it?

[mellow_yellow]

Dont worry you have lots of basketball courts to bounce on

 

I really really wish that was the case. I really do.

[dasein]

No, no therapy suggested, I realize you haven't been around here much, but I'm the -last- person to suggest that route for basic problems like you are experiencing.

 

And no, I don't mean you should accept a negative self-image either, but rather that since you say "you know it shouldn't affect your self worth" that you are right. It shouldn't affect your sense of self-worth. You are in med school as an older student for goodness sakes, about to start a demanding and rewarding career that society desperately needs. You worked hard to achieve that, will work harder, and if your relationship life isn't gelling in school, that's natural for med and law school. Better being alone than getting into many of the trainwreck expedient relationships I saw and even fell into a bit as a somewhat older law student.

 

As a function of your chosen profession, you will have a bounty of social opportunities wherever you end up, a jump start so to speak, and can find many dating options even as a busy resident. I don't know any doctors who don't have lots of social opportunities if they want them and hope the same for you.

[mellow_yellow]

I know that I should be able to meet plenty of people should I wish. Ok, so most of them would be working in healthcare (unless I make a concerted effort to socialise outside of work - if I have the time!), but that shouldn't be a problem. Even as a mid-30s woman I should in theory still be able to meet men.

 

I know all that.

 

And still I feel as though I'll never have another relationship again, never be married.

 

Situations like this make me feel not good enough. Like I'm the outlier who is not attractive enough to warrant interest from men. I never really felt too old - but now I do.

 

I really don't like this. But I've felt not good enough for as long as I can remember...despite all my academic achievements, despite all the good personality traits I have. I'm just not a hottie. And soon enough I'm not even young anymore.

 

Gah. I apologise to you all: as an almost-doctor, I should have my life in better order

[dasein]

I live in a medical hub smaller city. The doctors are treated very well socially and have lots of opportunities not limited to healthcare. Most parties I go to have several doctors around, the single ones tend to get snatched up quick, male and female. You are far from an old maid in your 30s, that's 80 years ago thinking, don't buy into it.

[charlietheginger]

Mellow yellow ur best game is the

"she makes me feel good about myself"

Game...

 

When you see a guy or flirt

smile at him.. No convo

 

He will feel good wondering why you smiled

At him..

 

Next time smile say hello....

 

When you do engage in covo make

Him luagh and smile pick something

About him compliment him....

 

dont tell him you like him but make it

Obvious through other actions....

 

A women throwing herself at a guy makes

Him think he can have you anytime he wants

 

so be fun flirty happy and make him

Want you in his life becuase ur fun

To be around.....

 

The guy will be like wow shes awsome makes

Me feel good about myself...

 

Chances are he will bite.....

 

my friend at the gym is considered

A hot guy.....but he does not date hot

Women becuase most are bitches he dates

Women that are fun outgoing and nice to

Be around....

 

Try the not toooo nice but the "hey im fun

To be around approach" see what happens

With the next few guys

Edited December 2, 2012 by charlietheginger

[mellow_yellow]

I live in a medical hub smaller city. The doctors are treated very well socially and have lots of opportunities not limited to healthcare. Most parties I go to have several doctors around, the single ones tend to get snatched up quick, male and female. You are far from an old maid in your 30s, that's 80 years ago thinking, don't buy into it.

 

I really try not to, and until this rejection I didn't really feel old, or that I was an old maid.

 

Do single doctors get snapped up because of their income, regardless of their physical appearance? I live in Europe, and doctors here don't get paid as much as doctors in the US.

 

Or maybe medicine is self-selecting, in that doctors tend to be at least average-looking. And I'm the outlier.

 

I do think it is pathetic that I'm even wasting my and your time thinking about this. I really hoped that I had enough life experience to think that looks aren't the most important thing in life. And then something like this really throws me.

 

I really don't like it.

[mellow_yellow]

see what happens with the next few guys

 

I'll try that, thanks.

 

Now I just have to work on the "next few guys" - he is the first guy I was interested in since my break-up 2.5 years ago. Most other med students are mid-20s, so I automatically discount them. Many older docs/nurses are already married.

 

The biggest irony of all? I thought *he* was flirting with ME. That's why I started to notice him...and started to become interested in turn. I completely misread his signals...would not have become interested in a 25 year old "on my own".

 

Haha. Oh the irony.

[stillafool]

Don't be down on yourself because a 25 year old man is not interested in dating you. He is very young and probably wants a younger wife so he can wait to start a family. There are plenty of men who would be honored to date a 35 year old doctor. Do you like older men as well? I'm sure someone in their late 30's or early to mid 40's would want to date you.

[dasein]

Doctors are in demand socially for several reasons not related to money in my burg. They have interesting stories, tend to be good conversationalists, have a broad life perspective as a consequence of their work, and are more intelligent than average party guests. Whatever you think is wrong with your appearance is likely magnified by this recent rejection, and if you feel unattractive, take steps to address whatever it is that makes you feel that way. Dont worry about bothering anyone here or taking our time. I'm actually working between typing out posts here.

[mellow_yellow]

As long as they also find you attractive - if they don't, it won't matter that you're doctor.

 

I like older men, yes. But as I do want children, I think 40 (man's age) would have to be my cut-off for dating someone older.

[Ninjainpajamas]

"Gah. I apologise to you all: as an almost-doctor, I should have my life in better order :("

 

Some us know that the doctors are the real crazies

 

But really, people are people, everyone has the same damn issues no matter who you are.

 

I'm hoping you don't come off as desperate and insecure in real life as these forums, because judging by some of the things you say, the way you are acting could definitely turn off men...men don't want to feel forced into a situation with a woman who has her mind set on marriage and babies unless he's really into her and looking for the same thing...but If you overdo that kind of vibe, it becomes a desperate repellent for men.

 

I'm a bit curious what you look like since you're not having any luck, but then again I'd be honest and not sugar coat it n that department, but maybe your appearance is lacking, I know doctors or soon to be doctors have very busy lives, everything else kind of gets put on the back burner.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with theory, that you should be able to meet men. That really comes down to your attractiveness, and other qualities that men would be interested in, but if you were average and not considerably overweight, you should have a fighting chance. Maybe you're not socializing either which is understandable, from what i noticed people who work in the medical field get hitched up pretty quickly usually, unless it's some half casanova guy who's playing the field because he's got some looks to go with it.

 

Don't be so concerned with age, you're not an antique, that's just another manifestation of why your lack of confidence and self-esteem, you definitely do seem down on your luck and becoming concerned, but that's only going to make you come off more desperate in the dating world, which is a very bad thing in general.

 

You should try looking into some online dating or social functions, widen your net. Also if you're type to get hooked on one guy you really like and keep pushing with him, that's only going to turn him off, try to prevent these hard crushes, when a guy says no he's not interested, do your best to try and peel off of him because you're not going to get what you want, that's all in your own head.

[mellow_yellow]

Dont worry about bothering anyone here or taking our time. I'm actually working between typing out posts here.

 

Are you? Well, that makes me feel better somewhat

 

I'd really like to be this mesmerizing, socialising, intelligent doctor. Ok, so I'm intelligent, but I'm still working on the other bits.

 

All this really boils down to low self-esteem. I was working on that, and thought I'd made some head-way. This whole thing shows that I obviously: a) hadn't come as far as I thought/hoped, b) still have some way to go.

 

So in that way it was a useful wake-up call. Just wish that the alarmclock wasn't so damn annoying sometimes!!

[mellow_yellow]

I'm hoping you don't come off as desperate and insecure in real life as these forums, because judging by some of the things you say, the way you are acting could definitely turn off men...men don't want to feel forced into a situation with a woman who has her mind set on marriage and babies unless he's really into her and looking for the same thing...but If you overdo that kind of vibe, it becomes a desperate repellent for men.

 

Don't be so concerned with age, you're not an antique, that's just another manifestation of why your lack of confidence and self-esteem, you definitely do seem down on your luck and becoming concerned, but that's only going to make you come off more desperate in the dating world, which is a very bad thing in general.

 

You should try looking into some online dating or social functions, widen your net. Also if you're type to get hooked on one guy you really like and keep pushing with him, that's only going to turn him off, try to prevent these hard crushes, when a guy says no he's not interested, do your best to try and peel off of him because you're not going to get what you want, that's all in your own head.

 

Yes, I am that insecure in real life. I have however learnt to keep it to myself. People who meet me now usually think I have it together, am happy and confident. So I've learnt to act the part I guess. Only my close friends know how I really feel.

 

I never thought I was pretty. Was chubby as a teen, and got bullied. Lost quite a bit of weight in my early 20s, but still didn't think I was pretty. I'd say average - you know, not ugly but not pretty either. But I was slim, and young, and the two guys I dated back then thought I was attractive. Although I couldn't see what they were seeing.

Since med school I have put on a few pounds, but I'm still slim. I am however older.

 

I do agree with you though in that such insecure feelings and attitudes do have a way of coming out somehow. In my case, I don't find many men attractive, because most I consider out of my league, and that stops the attraction right there. Then, if a guy actually does show an interest (which almost never happens; it hasn't happened since I've been single) I automatically assume he has no standards, or is having a laugh, or thinks I'm easy (beggars can't be choosers).

 

I do get attached too quick, because I think that since I don't get much interest from guys, any interest may be my last chance. GOD - I COULD SCREAM with how pathetic and weak that sounds!! It IS pathetic. I don't want to be a woman who thinks she is in the last-chance saloon!

 

I recognise all this is unhealthy thinking. And that it's better for me to not date anyone until I don't feel like that anymore. I am in therapy, and I thought I had made progress. But then this crush (call it what you will) has been a real eye-opener that I need to do a hell of a lot more work before I could even consider dating.

 

You know another irony? I'm not broody, in the sense that I want babies NOW. If it doesn't happen for another 5 years, fine. But I just get a sense of time running out, of it never happening. And that scares me.

 

My last relationship actually broke up partly because I *didn't* want children. I thought I'd be a bad mother because of my self-esteem issues. Turns out later that I had undiagnosed depression.

 

Now that I feel less depressed I actually do want children, but only with the right person.

Edited December 2, 2012 by mellow_yellow