I have discovered how manipulative my friends are and now I am so lost!

[daisydays33]

This is complicated and long. I apologize for the length and my rambling but I really don't know what to do in this situation.

 

I am close friends with a group of people but within the group, I'm best friends with a girl (who I will call Linda) and a guy (who I will call Bob). Linda and I have other two close friends outside of this group that we went to high school with and regularly hang out with. I thought we had a great set up.

 

In the group of people, there's a couple, that I will call 'the couple'. The couple has been drifting apart from Linda, Bob and I since the beginning of the year. We went from being friendly to civil to downright cold between each other. I tried my best to stay out if it because it was something that was between 'the couple' and Bob but I somehow got lumped into it.

 

Between Linda, Bob and I, things are complicated. I always suspected that Linda and Bob were dating and I tried multiple times to give them an opportunity to tell me and to create the distance I felt like I needed. I was uncomfortable with hanging out with them everyday if they were dating because I didn't want to be their cover within the group (we're all roommates with someone in the group) and I didn't want to be a third wheel. Moreover, I was uncomfortable with Bob because while he is a great friend, he was affectionate with me, of late. in a manner I did not think was appropriate with someone that he was not dating. Basically, I tried to get out of this situation. His actions confused me and although I thought they were dating, there was a time I thought that I might have liked him because he was coming across as someone who liked me. It put me in a place I did not like so I tried to distance myself from them, but they persisted anyway.

 

Recently, Linda told me that she was dating Bob. I don't think she ever planned on telling me except we were all drunk and she blurted it out when we were hanging out with our other two close friends. I immediately told her that I was happy for her (which I am) but I did not want to hang out with her and Bob everyday anymore. In fact, I made it clear I did not want to hang out with Bob anymore because I don't think he's a great boyfriend. He oversteps boundaries, he acts inappropriately and he likes the attention he gets from girls. I do not want anything to be misconstrued between Linda and I and I think this is the way to do it.

 

The couple found out about it soon after and they immediately came to talk to me. They were furious with what happened and they apologized for lumping me with them when it was clear their issue had to do with them. They understood that I wanted to cut ties with Bob and supported me in it. However, they also told me a lot of things that really throws me off guard. I thought that Linda was coming clean about everything but she was still lying to me about a lot of things. Before this, Linda and Bob also told me a lot of things about the couple that caused the friend in me to want to stand up for them, but these things just were not true. They really completely and utterly manipulated me and ruined my reputation within the group. They made everyone believe that I was in on their charade and that I was actively trying to conceal something from my friends and distancing myself on purpose when I really was dragged on for a ride that I had no idea EXISTED.

 

The couple, along with the rest of the group, also saw how Bob was with me and that threw them off guard. I think that Bob did it to hide the fact that he and Linda were dating and I do not appreciate being made a dummy of. I trusted them but they did not trust me. Last year, the couple and Bob was also very close, and a few things Bob did really raised red flags with them which is why this whole issue started in the first place. Essentially, Bob had a long-distance girlfriend that he spent days professing his undying love for but I knew for a fact that he was busy cozying up to Linda during this time. They also used me as a cover during this time. They claim they never wanted me as a cover and they liked me as a friend. I believe they liked me as a friend, but they definitely used me. They got me to cover for them because Bob and his girlfriend was still dating and they were already together. I did cover for them even though I suspected all these things to begin with because I kept telling myself a true friend would have told me already. If I gave them all these opportunities, and I tried to cut things off, but they keep coming back, then they must be my friends.

 

I would go into more detail but it just angers me and I do not think it helps. Essentially, I have already told Bob that I cannot hang out with him alone anymore and while I consider him to be a friend, Linda comes first because we have other close friends that are not involved and I want to retain that friendship. He wants me to reconsider and he thinks that I will get over it but I do not think it is a good idea. Besides, they really screwed me over.

 

Linda, on the other hand, has demonstrated to me that she is more than willing to throw me under the bus if it makes her and Bob look good in the group. In her conversation with the couple, she said lots of things that were inconsistent with what she told me and ended up making me look shady and horrible. She has no issues manipulating me into covering their tracks and she continues to do so with the couple. She does not know the extent that we talk and she continues to lie to my face about things. However, I have to be friends with her if I want to retain my friendship with the other two girls that I am close with.

 

Also, Bob and Linda claims that they did everything with me in mind. I feel like maybe Bob thought that was the case but Linda definitely did not think of me at all. She thought of herself and she thought of everything that would work for her. I know this is their relationship. There is no need to think of me, but they bulldozed through my world with such lack of care and now they think that I am completely able to rebuild what we had but I can't.

 

How do I do that knowing everything I know? How do I deal with the couple wanting to tell me things and wanting to stand up for me in situations? What do I tell the couple who thinks that I should get out of this situation ASAP and are prepared to help me do it? How do I deal with this bombardment from Linda and Bob who INSIST that I hang out with them still even though I don't want to? I don't know. This is weird and I'm still really hurt/angered.

[VeronicaRoss]

There seems to be no sense of self-protection or self-respect in you, that's really the problem. Once people figure that out about you, some will want to exploit it. If you left this all behind, would you find yourself in a similar place again with a new set of people? I suspect so. You need to go into therapy and figure out why you're unwilling and unable to protect yourself from people who hurt you, and learn how to interact in a way that is respectful of yourself. By staying around all these people and not speaking up and being honest with them, and not holding them accountable, you're part of the problem.

[KraftDinner]

You said that in order to remain friends with the other two girls outside your group, you need to keep being friends with Linda...is that really the case? If so maybe these two girls aren't really true friends.

 

How old are you?

 

Let me share a little personal experience: I met some girls in junior high and we were really tight and did everything together. Through high school we all remained friends but a little drama started happening between some of us.

 

Anyway, I clung to these friendships all the way into my late 20s; I thought these people were so important to me. Then I moved to a different city and through some random drama ended up falling out royally with one of these girls. I actually wrote a thread about it here. Anyway, it has been nothing but RELIEF not having to deal with that drama!

 

We had outgrown each other long ago and it was SO good to move on.

 

I bring this up because I don't hear you deriving any good feelings from these friends you write about. What comes across to me is that you've maybe outgrown them.

 

You speak of A LOT of drama. We only know your side so we don't know your role in feeding the drama, so it's hard to say...but maybe you need to examine your role in the drama. And if you honestly feel you aren't actively creating any, maybe you should ask yourself if you somehow seek it, or at the very least, why it affects you so much.