smog Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 hey guys, as with anyone in this situation I am going through the motions and experiencing all the different phases of pain and regret. I have recently been analysing different aspects of the past rather than moving forward I seem stuck trying to figure out where it all went wrong. For those of you who have read my story you will know that the relationship was not an easy one. I could rarely get things right in my wifes eyes and unless it was done to her exact standard it was wrong. I obviously accept my part in why things came to an end but I cant help but shake another feeling i have. I have reason to believe she was involved with someone else maybe not sexually but emotionally and now that we have been split two months and she has moved into some houseshare that I thing things are developing between the two of them. I have reason to believe she is seeing her persoanl trainer. When we were together i found some flirty text messages on her phone between the two of them and after we broke up i found out from her that they had been out drinking together one night. For a while after we broke up my wife was doing the usual back and forth with the emotions and wasnt sure whether she wanted to get back with me but in the same breath would be telling me she missed me. One evening she came over to 'talk' and we eneded up arguing we also ended up kissing and when i tried to take it further she would say 'no' because if we ended up having sex then i would think that everything was okay between us both? She also said that she 'wanted me to want her' but would take it any further. Since then she has met with me and told me it is over and she has moved on and changed in the past two months....really that quickly?? We are filing for divorce. I'm guessing the back and forth with the emotions was her leaving me in limbo whilst she decided whether there was anything with this other guy? It crushes me to think that this women i walked down the aisle with would play these games and treat me like this?? I have had some great advice from all here and i really appreciate everything I could do with some encouraging advice right now as I'm damn low today. Its like the penny has dropped and suddenly everything makes sense as to why it ended.
Holyoak Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Hey smog, I feel for you, and know how painful this can be. From here it seems she is stringing you along in a very unkind, selfish way... I'm glad you are D'ing her, as there is no "wasnt sure whether she wanted to get back with me" bull****... You are her F'ing husband, either she is 100% in or 100% out. These WW many times have detached so well, for so long and fell for another, where us BS have to deal with emotional inertia, where we still have to deal with our kind, honest, loving feeling for the WS, even after the heinous **** they do. Also, she throws out the plan "B"/you as Mr. backup saying "she missed me" as some kinda hook to reel you back in when things and dickweed fizzle... Let me tell you from my own terrible experience with a STBXWW who is sub-humanly cruel, unremorseful, and mean, ONLY believe actions, not words, and hammer these emotional predators when they spew B.S... Lastly, to me, no sex with you cause that would be cheating on asswipe to her. Stay strong, and keep looking at the prize of a better, happier life in front of you, even when that seems impossible.
SuperGeek Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 (edited) Very sorry for your loss Smog. I've been through it myself. Facts - She's moved out 2 months ago - She's probably dating or interested in another man - You have ZERO control what what she does or did - Do you really want to be with someone that leaves you high and dry? - If you aren't divorced yet, get divorced. Don't let it linger. - It's over You need to just put it out of your mind and let it go. She's moved out and there is nothing you can do to fix it now. You just have to move on with your life and I know it's hard to read that. No Contact is a MUST - No emails, facebooks, texts, phone, telepathy, smoke signals, nothing - No internet searches about her, no talking to friends about her - Remove friends from your life that are too close to her if they are intrusive - You literally must cut this out of your life now to save yourself. Stay strong and it time it gets better. And BTW, I had to do the same thing. I'm 2+ years into it now. I still have my days but things are much better. SuperGeek Edited December 1, 2012 by SuperGeek
Author smog Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Very sorry for your loss Smog. I've been through it myself. Facts - She's moved out 2 months ago - She's probably dating or interested in another man - You have ZERO control what what she does or did - Do you really want to be with someone that leaves you high and dry? - If you aren't divorced yet, get divorced. Don't let it linger. - It's over You need to just put it out of your mind and let it go. She's moved out and there is nothing you can do to fix it now. You just have to move on with your life and I know it's hard to read that. No Contact is a MUST - No emails, facebooks, texts, phone, telepathy, smoke signals, nothing - No internet searches about her, no talking to friends about her - Remove friends from your life that are too close to her if they are intrusive - You literally must cut this out of your life now to save yourself. Stay strong and it time it gets better. And BTW, I had to do the same thing. I'm 2+ years into it now. I still have my days but things are much better. SuperGeek Thanks for the advice you are right it is tough to hear but deep down i do know that its the right decision ultimately. I guess my initial reaction of relief when she left was a big sign of how i truly felt. Wow 2 yrs on and you still have your off days. Have you not dated anyone else since who has made you see that there are better people out there?
SuperGeek Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I've dated a few times over the last year, but just haven't really had a spark with anyone. I'm also not really trying that hard to be honest. It also took me nearly a year to get out of a major depression from my ex leaving me. My way of coping with it was by throwing myself into work, school, and working out/eating right. I should grad with a MSc in Comp Sci very soon and I'll be glad to have my night time back so that i can go out and meet more people. I guess I just didn't have the desire to really get involved again right away. Wanted to heal completely from the last one. Guess you could say I'm 'numb' and 'indifferent' about dating or finding a relationship. Given where I was 2 years ago, that is a huge improvement for me. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually... I just needed the time to figure myself out and not be so desperate about getting together with someone new. SuperGeek
Steen719 Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I've dated a few times over the last year, but just haven't really had a spark with anyone. I'm also not really trying that hard to be honest. It also took me nearly a year to get out of a major depression from my ex leaving me. My way of coping with it was by throwing myself into work, school, and working out/eating right. I should grad with a MSc in Comp Sci very soon and I'll be glad to have my night time back so that i can go out and meet more people. I guess I just didn't have the desire to really get involved again right away. Wanted to heal completely from the last one. Guess you could say I'm 'numb' and 'indifferent' about dating or finding a relationship. Given where I was 2 years ago, that is a huge improvement for me. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually... I just needed the time to figure myself out and not be so desperate about getting together with someone new. SuperGeek I know that some people think finding someone else is the quickest way to get over the hurt and maybe it is for some. In my case, it is hard to imagine that I could have gone into another relationship so fast, even dating someone. My XH did not end up with AP, as once it was exposed, she decided it was not for her, but he immediately went into another relationship (and I do mean immediately - while we were still living together) and he is still with her. I have no idea if she is his match or not, but he didn't look around or give it a thought. I think he just didn't want to be alone. The psychologist I saw briefly discussed my choices in men with me and basically said I needed to give some thought about that. I sort of discarded that idea at first, but I give it credence now. I have learned a lot about myself in this year and a half; some good, some not so good and one of the hardest things has been analyzing my part in the "shape" of the marriage. I don't blame myself for his choices, but I have to admit to myself what mistakes I made. I believe that if I am in another relationship, I will use this knowledge to have a better relationship. Like you, the indifferent or numb part is a relief in comparison. Smog, time helps perspective. I hope you find that to be true.
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