Did I handle this right?

[Confused420]

I had been in an LDR with an American girl for about three and a half months before she ended things with me about a week ago.

 

Basically, I met her at the start of June and knew straight away she was something special. I've been with girls in the past but this was the first relationship I had been in. I can't speak for her, but my feelings grew quickly and I'm sure this girl is the first girl I've ever loved.

 

Anyway, I had to leave in September and, although she wasn't sure, convinced her that if we stayed together we could make this work. I assured her that I loved her and she told me she loved me.

 

Anyway, things went okay, we Skyped, we texted each other constantly. It was hard but I knew she was worth it.

 

I went to visit her in November and that's where things started going weird. She seemed distant when I was over there and I guess kinda cold towards me. However, she'd distance herself from everyone, not just me, so I assumed it was because she was upset that she knew I wouldn't be around for long.

 

Anyway, five days after I got back, she text me saying she didn't think she could do LD. She told me that she didn't feel loved when I was over there and that she wants to focus on herself for a bit. I fully understand this because she has got a lot going on, all that I'm aware of. I asked if if this was what she really wanted, and basically fought for her for hours. She said she was willing to see how things would go.

 

About a week after this, she text me again saying the same thing, she couldn't do the long distance. This time, I knew this was what she wanted so I didn't even bother fighting for her, I assured that I loved her, I wanted to be there for her and if she ever saw a future for us to come back to me and I'd be waiting.

 

She said that she wanted me in her life and that she still loved me but couldn't deal with the stress of a LDR with all the other stuff going on in her life. She said that she did see a future for us and that she wanted to get to know me better in the mean time.

 

I told her that I just couldn't do that, not while I felt this strongly. I told her that I wanted her in my life too and that I just need time to recover. She got really pissed and accused me of 'giving her up' and 'wanted her out of my life'.

 

Basically, I waited a day and re-explained to her that I didn't want to hurt her and that I was doing this for me and it's what I needed. I asked her to respect what I need just like I respected what she needed.

 

Again, she got pissed and thanked me for 'ruining her day just to repeat myself for the tenth time'.

 

I haven't spoke to her since. Am I doing the right thing in not talking to her or am I potentially throwing something great away? mean, I know she's confused and stressed and the stress of an LDR may be too much. I still want to be there for her because ultimately, her happiness is really important to me. I also believe she does still love me. Should I be using this time to get to know her better?

 

EDIT: I feel I should add; Because I told her that I wanted to be there for her, I made sure not to block any channels of communication. After I told her I needed time for myself, she deleted me off Facebook. Dunno why that's relevant, it just feels like it is.

 

She also said she has no intention whatsoever of seeing anyone else and that she wasn't going to move on so she couldn't understand why I was.

Edited December 1, 2012 by Confused420

[cavalier99]

Sorry you are having a tough time. Seems like you had a OK thing going just unfortunately didn't work out especially because of the distance. Some people just cant handle that and rightly so.

 

To be perfectly frank i think your first inclination was right. You need to move on. No you should NOT use the this time to get to know her better. How?

 

Her reaction was just her ego getting bruised when you said you were going NC. I mean. WTF. You travel overseas get dumped soon after and now your the bad guy?

 

She seems somewhat immature in this regard. I hate to say it man but time to move on. It was just bad timing with you having to leave so soon. and frankly LDRs are really tough and RARLEY work. You'll be fine. Don't contact her..let her go and post here.

Edited December 1, 2012 by cavalier99

[Gottabestrong]

Dear confused,

I can understand how you feel, been in a similar situation myself.

 

I think you handled it very well. She broke up with you, you told her you did not want to end things and 'fought' for her for hours, a week laters she repeats that she still does not want to get back together.

 

What are you supposed to do? Hang around and be her friend while she goes out and enjoys her single life and possibly meets up with new guys? And remember, you would not be 'allowed' to get upset then because you are just friends.

 

No, I think you did the right thing by telling her that you need space. I think she is acting very selfishly, she does not want to be with you, but she also does not want to let you go and move on. Are you happy to be at somebody's back and call? Somebody who does not want to be with you anymore? I understand the desire to hang around so that they don't forget you and you still get to be part of their lives, while they realize how awesome you are and finally ask you to get back together.

 

Unfortunately that is not how it works. Usually the dumper does not change his/her mind, but instead moves on while not feeling too bad about it, because the person they dumped - and possibly still care about - is still there in their lives, willing to listen and be supportive whenever they have a bad day.

 

If you stay around as her friend this is what will happen most likely: a few months from now she will start dating someone new, she will stop texting to you and not expect you to be upset since you broke up ages ago and you are only friends now anyway. While for you the breakup will still be fresh and painful and you will feel rejected and dumped all over again.

 

Don't do it. Stay away, try to move on. Cut all contact. I know it is so difficult, but if you want to heal, that is your only option right now. She knows you still love her, she knows you want to reconcile, you have been honest and loving and caring. If she wants to get back together she knows where to find you, and because of the way you have been acting she would not need to humiliate herself or anything to get you back. Probably all she needs to say is: "Hey, how are you? I miss you. Would you like to talk about us some time?" and you would be willing to reply and start communicating again. She knows that.

 

Unless you left out some important details of your post, you have said all there is to say. Now walk away and try to move on. If she wants you back she will let you know, if she doesn't this is the only way to heal.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

[Confused420]

Thanks guys, that's just what I needed to hear.

 

Everything you've both said makes so much sense and even sounds like advice I'd give! It's amazing how emotion can cloud your view of judgement.

 

You're right, she is being selfish and I do deserve better. I was sure to make sure that she knew I was there so if she wants me she'll come to me. In the meantime, I need to focus on me.

[Confused420]

Having a real hard time holding up this morning. I want to text her, just to make sure she's okay. I'm not going to, but stopping myself is using every fibre of my being.

 

I hate the loneliness. I really want to talk to someone about this, a mutual friend as to get an unbiased opinion on the matter. I told my ex that I wouldn't tell anyone about the break up because she doesn't feel like answering up to anyone. There's one girl I might talk to today though. I don't want to, out of respect, but I feel like there's only so much longer I can keep debating this with myself without any input from an outsider's perspective.

 

The another thing that's making me have second thoughts is the fact she hasn't told anyone we're not together anymore (to my knowledge, she asked me not to tell anyone and none of our mutual friends have commented on us or spoke to me about it). Does that mean she is hanging on the the past and genuinely does want to me with me?

 

Jesus Christ, listen to me clutch at straws. I hate this. So happy I found this forum though, posting my thoughts and feelings helps so much, I don't even care if anyone is reading or not.

[Confused420]

I keep wondering whether or not she feels the same way I do. I mean, I'm a nice guy but I'm wondering if I actually offered anything to the relationship. I live thousands of miles away from her on a different continent, she told me she didn't feel loved when I visited and I've just got a feeling that she's going to be completely okay, getting on with her life.

 

If she was, I think I'd feel loads better. I'd know for sure that this was over and that would want to make me move on.

 

That's they thing. I'm finding it so difficult to move on because I don't know whether I should. I don't want to lose her if she's still attainable. If she explicitly said she didn't feel for me anymore and didn't want a relationship, I'd be able to deal with it better because she'd have put it out there, black and white, there's no questioning her decision or any ifs and buts. But she told me she loved me and saw a future for us together once she'd figured herself out?

 

However, if we both feel like I do at the moment, why are we putting ourselves through this? I just want to know how she feels.

[cavalier99]

Hang in there man. This BU stuff is worse than heroin withdraw the 1st few weeks on NC. You can do it and it gets better. I promise.

 

I know what u mean about it seeming easier if she had just said "i don't love u".

 

But she has is a way hasn't she? I sometimes just tell myself YES. To all may nagging questions. Has she fallen out of love. YES or she would be with me now. Will she or is she with someone else. YES. All the horrible thing that you don't want to accept. Well accept them and suffer and greive. It sucks it huts. It feels so lonely. But it so necessary to start moving on.

 

With NC at least you dont have to witness all those things you have said yes to. My EX left me for another guy. For 2 months now i have no idea if they are together or not. If she has the same job. If she missed me or doesn't even think of me. No clue.

 

And it is way better that way. Because she does not exist in my universe anymore. It is all just becoming hazy. Like a nightmare that i can remember but cant FEEL it as much. Keep strong and dont text her. Maintain NC for you own sanity.

[cavalier99]

Who knows she might still love you some..at moments...she might be suffering..sometimes.

 

But in the end does it matter? She did love you but not enough to make it work. That is ALL you need to know. Dont worry about her. Worry about you. Tell your friends ecetera. Unfortunately the BU is real. You need to know this and severe ties. Block her number her facebook. Delete all emails. Eliminate her like a cancer. Dissapear like a ninja. This is how we start the journey to indifference!

 

You dont care what she thinks or feels any more. OK? You care about your recovery. Rock on!

Edited December 2, 2012 by cavalier99

[Confused420]

Yeah, thanks man.

 

I have felt a lot better today, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact it's over and I'm beginning to want to move on. Still, I've had to force myself not to text her. I was just looking through photos on Facebook and accidently saw one from last summer when I met her and so many memories came back.

 

I'm just trying to focus on telling myself that she doesn't want me and that she's happy and content with her life. If she wasn't, she'd contact me.

[Confused420]

Broke NC last night asking if we could talk.

 

I planned on telling her that I understood what she wanted and that I would be willing to be there for her as a friend while she went through what she was going through on the understanding she didn't sleep with anyone while I'm away and then we'd see what happened when I went back to the USA this summer.

 

Instead, her reply was angry, she told me I acted like a jerk the last time we spoke and now she's the one who wants space. I told her she can have all the space she wants and left it at that. I've blocked her number and deleted her off Facebook.

 

To be honest, I've done all I can for this girl. I've even tried to compromise and sacrifice my own feelings to make her feel better. Whatever, I'm done.

[Gottabestrong]

Sorry to hear that, but I hope the way she acted when you tried to talk will help you move on. You did NOT act like a jerk by asking for space so you could heal. If she does not understand that, than she does not care about your feelings anyway.

 

You are better off without her.

[Confused420]

Sorry to hear that, but I hope the way she acted when you tried to talk will help you move on. You did NOT act like a jerk by asking for space so you could heal. If she does not understand that, than she does not care about your feelings anyway.

 

You are better off without her.

 

I'm glad she did, to be honest. It's not a case of 'how do I win her back?' any more, it's a case of 'She doesn't even deserve me so **** her and let's get my life back on track.'

 

I actually feel so much better for it.

[Gottabestrong]

Great. Don't be surprised if you feel down again tomorrow or in the near future. These emotional rollercoasters are just part of the grieving process. But if you remind yourself of how selfish she acted and how you are feeling right now, it will help you move on.

[Confused420]

I've stupidly looked through all her photos and now I want everything back. I know I shouldn't have but I did. I miss her so much. I did text her on Friday saying I was sorry for being so blunt and that I didn't want to lose her as a friend. I knew that was stupid too but I haven't made contact with her since.

 

I completely broke down last night. My life seems to have completely taken a turn for the worst since she broke up with me, I've started failing school, my debts are starting to get out of hand and I'm drinking way too much just to make myself feel better. The former two aren't necessarily to do with the split.

 

I just want her in my life again because her just being there makes everything better. Honestly, at this point, I'm not even bothered if it is just as a friend, I just feel like I need someone who understands me like she does to talk to.

[Cutiepie1976]

Ugh! I've done that too. Photos are the worst.

 

I'm very good about deleting texts, emails, etc., tossing out gifts and cards, you name it. But I keep photos. They tell the story of my life. The problem is that I pull them up from time to time, and it can be a real setback in the healing process.

[Confused420]

Little update. We spoke last Wednesday night about everything once we had calmed down. It seemed like we both understood what each needed, we were civil and respectful and that gave me closure. I feel so much better now.

 

Basically, a long distance relationship isn't right for either of us right now. I can sit here and mope or I can stick two fingers up to yesterday and carry on doing me.

 

I've just looked through her instagram and although my hear did start racing a little, I didn't mind looking through her photos. Even the photos where she's looking hot. I'm beginning to feel like myself again which is great. I actually felt happy last night for the first time in a month because I realised that I was healing.

 

Honestly, look at the last message I posted in this thread. That was less than a week ago. Time does heal. Yeah, I didn't believe it either.

 

I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone on here who has taken time out of their own lives to help me when I felt like I had no-one else. It's more than appreciated.

 

There's still a long way to go, but now I'm not fearful or scared of what's ahead. I'm ready to face my emotions and looking forward to learning more about myself.

 

So, if you're feeling like life's just taken a dump on you right now, it'll get better. This is coming from someone who six days ago was completely and utterly broken, crying into his pillow at 4am. **** that dude, man, that's not me.

 

Oh, and yes, I do still plan on being friends with her. Just because we weren't meant to be in a romantc relationship doesn't mean I want to throw such a wonderful person away. That would be cutting my nose off to spite my face. I just want to be in a place where I'd be comfortable thinking about her with other men. I don't know when that will be, nor do I want to think about it. It'll happen when the time is right, there's no rush.

Edited December 18, 2012 by Confused420