How did I get myself into this!!

[awkward]

I get what Summer is saying. I get the vibe that the OP is going to do what she is going to do. But IMO the OP has already given her power away.

 

The MM is a POS. He brought the OP home to his wife so he could show his BS that the OP is just a kid and she has nothing to worry about. The BS was hoping that showing the OP the family pictures, etc. would make the OP not want to go down that path with her husband. It didn't work.

 

OP he is using you. It may seem like we don't really know him and are judging someone we don't know and your connection with him is special and not like the other affairs. But we do know him. We can tell who he is by his actions. His actions show he is using you.

 

If for instance you met a guy around your age and started having a crush on him and then he took you to meet another girl that he was dating and told you he shared the wine you gave him with her, how would you react? Seriously, think about this.

 

He is going to continue to push/pull. You tell him that you are not interested in an affair and you feel that you have already crossed the line. Tell him to buzz off. How many other young girls are there at the office? Has he bedded any of them?

 

Today's 24 is like yesterdays 17.

[patronusglow]

Wow- so many responses. Much appreciated, even though pretty much all of you told me things I didn't want to (but needed to) hear. To the person who wondered why I wasn't completely offended when I got the message saying he and the wife enjoyed the wine- I was! That was what prompted me to post on this board and ask myself what the f*ck I thought I was doing! Him introducing me to her was bad enough! You are all correct in saying this is just one big disaster waiting to happen. The whole situation has gone beyond fun and now makes me feel sick/angry more often than not. As such, I am going to attempt to cut him out. And I mean a genuine attempt. I'm pondering the best way to do this. Many of you wrote and said I should find another job ASAP. At the moment, I'm not really in a position to leave my job immediately. And I'm not willing to step down and take any old sh*tty job just because I have stupidly fallen for my boss and have to jump ship. I know that some of you might say it doesn't matter- it will be too hard to work with him. But the beauty of our jobs is that even though he is my boss- I only actually see him for work purposes once a week for about an hour. He is an office based lawyer, whereas I am on the road all the time.

 

So I am firmly saying that leaving the job is not an option at least for 3 months. But, how do I cut him out without causing major awkwardness? Should I confront him and say that I no longer feel comfortable with our "friendship" and that I'd rather keep it professional? Or should I say nothing but just say I have plans every time he asks me somewhere?

 

What a sh*tty weekend!

[Pierre]

So I am firmly saying that leaving the job is not an option at least for 3 months. But, how do I cut him out without causing major awkwardness? Should I confront him and say that I no longer feel comfortable with our "friendship" and that I'd rather keep it professional? Or should I say nothing but just say I have plans every time he asks me somewhere?

 

What a sh*tty weekend!

 

Just fade away. Don't hang out with him outside the job. If he is a man of character he will get the message. No need to have a discussion.

 

He may go on hyperdrive because he felt he had you in the bag. Just back off. Your actions will send the message.

[veryhappy]

OP - giving him a timeframe gives you no power at all. All it does it waste your life. Based on what we read here and other boards, OW never stick to short "timeframes." Easier said than done, especially once the excuses starting pouring out. You will be an OW for years before you finally give up.

 

Don't waste another minute on this man. He's not leaving his wife.

 

That's quite a generlization. I did stick to my time frame, actually I modified it to an earlier date to what I was originally willing to offer (3 months vs. 6). People on LS got all jittery that I'm controlling and other sweet things. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

OP, you are too young for an A. You are in fact in an EA. You met his wife in person, the poor woman tried to defend her family so she's afraid her husband is doing something he shouldn't. Save yourself a lot of heartache and find someone available.

[veryhappy]

But, how do I cut him out without causing major awkwardness? Should I confront him and say that I no longer feel comfortable with our "friendship" and that I'd rather keep it professional? Or should I say nothing but just say I have plans every time he asks me somewhere?

 

I'd say start with excuses of always being busy, and if he doesn't take the hint and insists (which he might because to him you are hard to resist and almost a done deal) confront him. The problem with trying to talk about something like this is that he'll try to weave you into a dense web of lies to reel you back in. Just distance yourself to where you were before your trip together, and if he has any common sense he should adjust.

[Tenacity]

Wow- so many responses. Much appreciated, even though pretty much all of you told me things I didn't want to (but needed to) hear. To the person who wondered why I wasn't completely offended when I got the message saying he and the wife enjoyed the wine- I was! That was what prompted me to post on this board and ask myself what the f*ck I thought I was doing! Him introducing me to her was bad enough! You are all correct in saying this is just one big disaster waiting to happen. The whole situation has gone beyond fun and now makes me feel sick/angry more often than not. As such, I am going to attempt to cut him out. And I mean a genuine attempt. I'm pondering the best way to do this. Many of you wrote and said I should find another job ASAP. At the moment, I'm not really in a position to leave my job immediately. And I'm not willing to step down and take any old sh*tty job just because I have stupidly fallen for my boss and have to jump ship. I know that some of you might say it doesn't matter- it will be too hard to work with him. But the beauty of our jobs is that even though he is my boss- I only actually see him for work purposes once a week for about an hour. He is an office based lawyer, whereas I am on the road all the time.

 

So I am firmly saying that leaving the job is not an option at least for 3 months. But, how do I cut him out without causing major awkwardness? Should I confront him and say that I no longer feel comfortable with our "friendship" and that I'd rather keep it professional? Or should I say nothing but just say I have plans every time he asks me somewhere?

 

What a sh*tty weekend!

 

Don't 'attempt' to cut him out. Cut him out! This is up to YOU. Only you can succeed or fail. So do it...!!!

 

You don't have to say one word to him. In fact I wouldn't - it would just make it awkward and potentially come back to haunt you. Nothing has been said or done by either of you to make it known this is an affair. So say nothing now... just don't respond when he texts or calls. Let voice mail pick up. Don't reply to his texts. He will get the message very quickly.

 

If you try to have a conversation with him about why you are backing off, it very well may backfire on you with things being said that should NOT be said. Just send the message by your actions. (Wow... just like he did!)

 

Do it gradually if that's easier for you (within reason). As long as you are determined and the end result is the same that is okay.

Edited December 2, 2012 by Tenacity

[ThatJustHappened]

That's quite a generlization. I did stick to my time frame, actually I modified it to an earlier date to what I was originally willing to offer (3 months vs. 6). People on LS got all jittery that I'm controlling and other sweet things. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

OP, you are too young for an A. You are in fact in an EA. You met his wife in person, the poor woman tried to defend her family so she's afraid her husband is doing something he shouldn't. Save yourself a lot of heartache and find someone available.

 

So...at what age is it appropriate to have an affair?

[Tenacity]

So...at what age is it appropriate to have an affair?

 

If I live to be 102, I might have an affair then. If I can find a guy who is older than me, since that's my requirement. lol

[veryhappy]

So...at what age is it appropriate to have an affair?

 

No affairs or tattoos under 30

 

Appropriate... hardly for both, but if one must...then I'd give the guideline of 30, for women especially. Can't speak for men.

[Tenacity]

No affairs or tattoos under 30

 

Appropriate... hardly for both, but if one must...then I'd give the guideline of 30, for women especially. Can't speak for men.

 

Why is there an age cutoff? I'm asking an honest question. Because I was an idiot to get involved in an affair when I was 39 and now I'm, well, older.

[patronusglow]

I feel like sh*t! I'm angry with myself and with him. He just sent me a Facebook message and I responded by being cold and aloof. But I'm annoyed I even responded!! Feel like banging my head against a brick wall.

 

To top it off I just remembered he asked me for lunch next Friday after a meeting with some clients. I can't get out of the meeting- but I really don't want to have to do the lunch thing. Right now I plan on cancelling at the last minute with some excuse or other. But I know it won't take long before he asks me why I am suddenly cold on him. I'm going to follow advice and just try and limit contact to work matters only. That suits me fine- I'm no good at having *those* types of conversations anyway. But if he asks- what do I say? Also, the work Christmas party is coming up. For the first time, the wife is not coming with him (not sure why that is) and he told me he might get a hotel room for the night so she doesn't have to come and pick him up after he's been drinking.

[woinlove]

It's the OP support board.

That means that whatever support is given is ok. YOu don't have to like it.

An affair is usually NOT a good choice, but people make bad choices ALL the time.

If someone is determined to make a choice, there are ways to minimize the damage.

Should they not be given that advice just because the BS's may not agree with it?

If that's the case, then I think that the OW could theoretically (and I'm not saying that this would be ok either) state to the mods that from now on conversation about how to catch your spouse cheating isn't allowed on the infidelity forum because that would be counterproductive for the OW/OM. That's kind of ridiculous right?

But that's exactly the type of censorship you are implying over here.

 

 

Why is it censorship to say giving advice on how to have an A is disgusting. On the infidelity forum, someone says hysterical bonding (lot of sex between the married couple) is sickening and disgusting and the OP is going through it and looking for reassurance and help. It's an opinion. Probably a bad one, and likely makes the OP feel even worse. I don't see it as censorship, though.

 

In this case, I personally think it will hurt the OP more to decide to engage in an A than it will to give it a pass. And, I don't think the opinion which offended you will make the OP feel worse. I think if she really wants to have an A, she will, but if she is not sure and thinking it might be a bad idea, she will pay some attention to the posts warning her against an A.

 

OP, the chances of coming out of an A feeling positively is low if you read the stories on LS. Even in the small number of cases where the MM leaves his W, there often still are deep issues of guilt and trust to deal with, and the R would likely have a better foundation if the MM first divorced and then the R began. Feeling bad about yourself during and/or after an A is not uncommon and it can take a long time to recover from. Don't take feeling good about yourself for granted. It is worth a great deal.

[woinlove]

I feel like sh*t! I'm angry with myself and with him. He just sent me a Facebook message and I responded by being cold and aloof. But I'm annoyed I even responded!! Feel like banging my head against a brick wall.

 

To top it off I just remembered he asked me for lunch next Friday after a meeting with some clients. I can't get out of the meeting- but I really don't want to have to do the lunch thing. Right now I plan on cancelling at the last minute with some excuse or other. But I know it won't take long before he asks me why I am suddenly cold on him. I'm going to follow advice and just try and limit contact to work matters only. That suits me fine- I'm no good at having *those* types of conversations anyway. But if he asks- what do I say? Also, the work Christmas party is coming up. For the first time, the wife is not coming with him (not sure why that is) and he told me he might get a hotel room for the night so she doesn't have to come and pick him up after he's been drinking.

 

Wow, he's really making the moves with mentioning the hotel room after drinking. First, don't beat yourself up for responding. Acknowledge how it made you feel and remember it for the next time, so you'll have more resolve.

 

I think your plan of cancelling and keeping things strictly to work are good.

 

As for what to say, if you have to say something, why not tell him that you are going through something right now that you don't want to discuss and you just want to keep things strictly to work. Add that you'd like him to respect that. That is the truth and you have no obligation to tell him everything you are feeling and thinking. It is short, polite, honest, and gets the point across.

 

If he is really selfish, he may continue to try to engage you beyond work. In which case, you might have to get more blunt. This happened to me once. It is not pleasant dealing with someone who will not respect a polite request. In the end, I had to get very rude and it was the only thing that worked. I hope you don't go through that, but if you do, remember it would be his failing that he is so selfish and self-absorbed, that you may literally have to make him wish he didn't try. Again, I had to do this so I am warning you just in case, but, I hope it doesn't come to that.

[Summer Breeze]

I have to disagree with some posters on one issue. I don't think you should fade away. I think you should have a confidential conversation with someone in the HR department and say that you are not making a complaint but you do want it on the record the little that has transpired. Let them know that you're going to end it and the only reason you're speaking to them is so that if there are any repurcussions there is a statement on your side as to what's happened. I have a nurse in my company who is charged with day to day counselling of employees and I know she has documented such things in the past. I doubt anything will come from your fading away but what if he gets annoyed and he bothers you. You feel intimidated and fear for your job. If you go to someone then who do you think they'll believe.

 

I probably wouldn't fade away. I'm not the type. I'd tell him I documented it within the company and that I'm ending it now and know he will respect my wishes. I'd apologize in case I misread anything but have decided to separate myself from any personal contact. This would allow him to know what you've done and that you're serious. He also would have the opportunity to put a time stamp on any statement he felt he might need to too.

[CarrieT]

Right now I plan on cancelling at the last minute with some excuse or other. But I know it won't take long before he asks me why I am suddenly cold on him.

Part of what will make the process easier is to explain to him that the relationship makes you uncomfortable and it is important for you to put it back on a professional-only mode. Pussy-footing around and "making excuses" why you can't see him will only exacerbate his intensity.

 

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!

 

You *have* to confront him and tell him to stop - otherwise it will escalate!

 

he told me he might get a hotel room for the night so she doesn't have to come and pick him up after he's been drinking.

Here is a perfect opportunity. You need to explain to him that you don't want or need to know that he has a hotel room. This is part of his grooming process; he is hoping you will take the bait to go to his hotel room and you should tell him that telling you he is getting a hotel room is inappropriate and unprofessional. Be cold, calculating, and deliberate! Show him you mean business but until you confront him, you will have too many opportunities to back-slide and fall into the struggle you are experiencing now.

[MissBee]

Ok. Straight from the hip here. She was sizing you up and why wouldn't she? I would almost guess you had been brought to her attention somehow and she might have known you work closely together. She could well have insisted he bring you home to meet her so she could size you up and he did it to show her he had nothing to hide. I bet in the conversations you guys never mentioned anything about the texting and how wonderful he said you are. I'd almost bet he never said anything to her about taking you to your hotel room to say goodnight either. I think that exercise was for him to show her she had nothing to worry about when in fact we all know she does.

 

And next. You're getting pulled in and I want you to think about something. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR POWER.

 

Hold your ground if you are going to enter into the A. I still hope you don't.

 

Spot on post!

 

This seems like gradual grooming if there ever was such a thing. All of this led up to the moment of dropping the unhappy bomb...

 

I also think it is likely, as you said, that she was brought to the MM's W's attention and this was his way of saying "See, nothing untoward here!" That's a low move though, but people do it. An ex-friend (I can't even call him a friend because I just have so little respect for him) does this. He cheats on his LT gf ALL the time...and one way he covers it up is by making her meet these women as "friends" of his, so that when he hangs out with them a lot, his gf will know who it is and not be suddenly alarmed...smh.

 

As for everything else, I agree she should avoid this A. You met the W for pete's sake...that's just odd. To me anyway. You're young. Do you really want to take on a married 44 year old man with kids who is ALSO your boss, whose spouse you met?? I don't see that as a realistic or wise situation to get into at all. It most likely will prove to be way more trouble than it's worth.

[Mount]

Agree. I always want to understand what they really think or calculate, that bring their "female friends" to meet their wives, or bring "female friends" to their houses when wives are away.

 

What are their points?

 

Sometimes when I read stories like this, about middle aged men and the games they play with a much younger naive woman, it really pisses me off. Why because it's a set up, he is wanting to take advantage of the op in more ways than one. This mm is very calculating and cold........taking her to meet the wife. Geez! Bet this ain't his first rodeo either.

 

 

Mentioning to you that he is getting a hotel room for the night.......plsssss, just how much more obvious could that be.

 

I'm also for the direct approach, this man is arrogant and subtle won't work with that kind.

[MissBee]

Wow- so many responses. Much appreciated, even though pretty much all of you told me things I didn't want to (but needed to) hear. To the person who wondered why I wasn't completely offended when I got the message saying he and the wife enjoyed the wine- I was! That was what prompted me to post on this board and ask myself what the f*ck I thought I was doing! Him introducing me to her was bad enough! You are all correct in saying this is just one big disaster waiting to happen. The whole situation has gone beyond fun and now makes me feel sick/angry more often than not. As such, I am going to attempt to cut him out. And I mean a genuine attempt. I'm pondering the best way to do this. Many of you wrote and said I should find another job ASAP. At the moment, I'm not really in a position to leave my job immediately. And I'm not willing to step down and take any old sh*tty job just because I have stupidly fallen for my boss and have to jump ship. I know that some of you might say it doesn't matter- it will be too hard to work with him. But the beauty of our jobs is that even though he is my boss- I only actually see him for work purposes once a week for about an hour. He is an office based lawyer, whereas I am on the road all the time.

 

So I am firmly saying that leaving the job is not an option at least for 3 months. But, how do I cut him out without causing major awkwardness? Should I confront him and say that I no longer feel comfortable with our "friendship" and that I'd rather keep it professional? Or should I say nothing but just say I have plans every time he asks me somewhere?

 

What a sh*tty weekend!

 

I'd say I have plans...shoot I'd even start saying I'm seeing someone. I'd try to make the detangling process casual. You could also say that you don't want coworkers getting the wrong idea, or your new guy or his wife, so you think you should keep it more professional.

[Mount]

The reason I am asking is because back to 6 months ago, before my A started, the MM wanted me coming to their house, and to have dinner with him/wife. And of course I refused.

 

And I believe he did same thing to another company female "friend" having dinner with him/wife, and even tried to set her up a date with a single man during the dinner time. During my A, I always accused him if that female friend being his OW as well, of course he said she's not.

 

It might a a hijack to the thread, I think the main trigger causing the break up between me and MM, is because I mentioned him being sexual offender/harrasement in the company with joking tone, after heard me saying that, his whole mood/person changes right away.

 

Well the point is simple Mount.

 

He brought her to meet the wife to "cover his ass" with his wife "Oh course there's nothing going on honey, you met her!!! Did it SEEM like something was going on??" and they bring them to the house when the wife isn't there because if they are "just friends".... so if he tries something and he did read the signs wrong than he isn't out any cash for a hotel room and can play it off as a joke cause they're "just friends" and if he read the signs right then he gets to have sex.

 

With some guys it really is just that simple, he doesn't have an ulterior motive, he isn't looking to stick it to his wife he isn't giving her even that much space in his mind, his wife doesn't even enter into his thoughts. He is thinking about whether or not he can get in this girls pants.

[Mount]

Yes, was aware it probably be T/J. I have posted to my NC thread already. Sorry OP.

 

Ahhhhh yes..........it's a big t/j.

 

Good subject for a new thread.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Potronusglow, you don't have to be nice and tippy toe around him. What he's doing is selfish and hurt full to other people who he claims to care about. I can promise you that this isn't his first rodeo. Men I their 40's don't wake up and decide to become players. This guy has his game down perfect.

 

These men also love to triangulate every thing. You, he, and his wife. Watch and y will see it happen between coworkers and clients. Google " triangulation, psychopaths jerks and liars. " This is all a sick game made to make him feels powerful. It's almost as popular as hunting or fishing among his age group. Sad really, but even sadder that it ruins the lives of other people, people who are offered no choice.

 

Telling you how much his wife enjoyed the wine shows that this is a game of manipulation and power. Who knows, he may well have told her it was something he picked up fot her. That kind of stuff is where the fun lies for him, believe it or not.

 

You don't owe someone any niceties who is trying to use you for their own pleasure. Sit back and watch while he finds someone else and tries to rub it in your face. Don't hurt a family, then that's on your shoulders. Don't become someone you can't respect. These are supposed to be the best years of your life. Do not waste them on a manipulative cheater.

 

And I know I don't have to tell you to run from that hotel offer! (EWWW!) it should tick you off that he doesn't think you are better than that.

 

And you can bet he's expensing those lunches and dinners! You sound like a smart cookie! If something's too good to be true (wanting to know everything about you, remembering what you say) then it is!

 

Don't let some middle-aged married bozo scam you out of your young adulthood! You don't owe him any apologies! He owes them to you and his wife.

 

Excuses are fine, but don't work to break things off long term. Tell him you talked to your parents about your friendship and they suggested its inappropriate and that you should discuss with his wife to see if she is ok with the relationship.

 

Good luck! IWWH

[ThatJustHappened]

It's the OP support board.

That means that whatever support is given is ok. YOu don't have to like it.

An affair is usually NOT a good choice, but people make bad choices ALL the time.

If someone is determined to make a choice, there are ways to minimize the damage.

Should they not be given that advice just because the BS's may not agree with it?

If that's the case, then I think that the OW could theoretically (and I'm not saying that this would be ok either) state to the mods that from now on conversation about how to catch your spouse cheating isn't allowed on the infidelity forum because that would be counterproductive for the OW/OM. That's kind of ridiculous right?

But that's exactly the type of censorship you are implying over here.

 

 

Right..it's the OP support board, not the OP encouragement board. The original poster has not yet entered into a serious affair and was looking for advice on the next steps to take. I disagreed with another poster about some of what she said and I said so. Perfectly legal.

 

Supporting someone doesn't always mean agreeing with them.

[kamani]

OP are you reading all these posts?

 

All that need to be told are now told to you.

 

So I hope to point out few things that have not been told.

 

How does his wife come to know there is something going on? I think he is happy in his marriage and loves his wife. I think he confessed her that he had feelings for you, so that he is always safe.

 

By experience, I know it's very difficult to resist these feelings when you work together. The mind games have already started and I think these are charasteristic to EA. You are already in an EA, get out before it gets physical.

 

IMO, switching jobs or getting a transfer away from him is going to be the only perfect solution. Don't wait, act now! He wants to bed you, nothing else.

[Pierre]

OP are you reading all these posts?

 

All that need to be told are now told to you.

 

So I hope to point out few things that have not been told.

 

How does his wife come to know there is something going on? I think he is happy in his marriage and loves his wife. I think he confessed her that he had feelings for you, so that he is always safe.

 

By experience, I know it's very difficult to resist these feelings when you work together. The mind games have already started and I think these are charasteristic to EA. You are already in an EA, get out before it gets physical.

 

IMO, switching jobs or getting a transfer away from him is going to be the only perfect solution. Don't wait, act now! He wants to bed you, nothing else.

 

 

I would like to ass for the benefit of the OP.

 

It is well documented that logic and rational thoughts go out the door in affairs. Get out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[veryhappy]

Why is there an age cutoff? I'm asking an honest question. Because I was an idiot to get involved in an affair when I was 39 and now I'm, well, older.

 

There's no age cutoff that I know of (maybe some from the other team holding the OW manual can tell better). That's just my personal view.

 

Why 30? Because As tend to have some age difference involved, and younger women are more likely to fall for age being equal to maturity and experience. At the same time they don't have enough life experience to see through some bs, or deal with the aftermath as well as someone older. I think the long term effects can be much more damaging for someone in their 20s than older. Also, no woman should spend the years when she looks the most beautiful, fresh and is the most fertile being the OW.