How did I get myself into this!!

[patronusglow]

Hi all! This is my first post here- so glad I found this place before I lost my mind completely. Whilst technically I am not the "other woman", I sure do feel that way sometimes. First let me start by saying I am 24 and single. The man in question is 44 and married with two kids. He is also my boss. Here goes...

 

In April I went on a work trip with my boss and a couple of others from the company I work for but didn't know. It was a boring conference where I knew nobody (except my boss) but was required to socialise and attend functions almost constantly. Because he felt sorry for me, my boss hung around a little bit at these functions to make sure I was doing ok. We got to talking one night at dinner and discovered we actually had a lot in common. We ended up talking until the wee small hours and were the only two left at this function. The following day, during the conference, he ended up smsing me little jokes to break up the tedium, and asked me to lunch (he paid). Then, that night we decided to leave a work function early so we could go to a bar on our own. He even took me all the way up to my hotel room to say goodnight. The following day he took me sightseeing and we had a great time. It felt almost like a romantic getaway but with no sex. To me, I thought I had discovered an awesome new work friend (who I was secretly a bit attracted to).

 

We traveled back home to reality, but things had changed between us. He started coming up with excuses to call me (pretending to need help with work matters etc) and we'd occasionally text during the work day- nothing overly flirtatious just banter. Soon he was calling me every day and not bothering to come up with an excuse! He'd call always on his way home from work and we'd talk for about an hour each day. He'd rarely make any contact on weekends, though. It continued to progress from there- he asked if he could add me on Facebook so we started talking on there too. Then we started meeting for coffee once a week, and now we have lunch and occasionally dinner. He tells me I'm wonderful, that he adores me, that I'm lovely etc. He always pays for our meals and gives me little gifts all the time (music playlists, books etc) and I know he thinks about me often. He wants to know everything about me, my likes/dislikes, my friends, my family, my opinions on everything. And everything I tell him he remembers (unusual for a man, no?). All this time, he has mentioned his wife only in passing. I had this feeling he wasn't telling her about the lunch/coffee/dinner dates or phone calls, until one day he threw a spanner in the works and asked me over to his house to meet her! It seemed odd. He rarely talked about her over all these months- then all of a sudden was insistent that I meet her. Even though I felt uncomfortable, I went along and met his wife and kids. She was lovely and they seemed very happy together. Although I did feel like she was sizing me up a bit (asking me if I was in a relationship, showing me their wedding photo album etc). Seeing them happy together made me feel a little hurt- though I don't know what I expected! It was like they were making a show of how happy they were (mainly instigated by the wife). The following week I met up with him for an after work drink and he started saying unusual things, implying he was unhappy in his marriage, saying he didn't think it was fair when people judged others for having affairs or getting divorced. He also said "Sometimes you think you are happy and then someone else comes along and changes everything". Then he asked me if I'd ever been in love before. That got me even more confused- because he seemed happy in his marriage as far as I could tell! Can someone smarter than me please tell me what is going on! Or give me advice on what to do? Is he thinking of me as just a friend or something more? Unfortunately, I am now well infatuated and I think I might even be falling in love with this man. HELP!!! I never in a million years thought I would even entertain the idea of liking a married man (not to mention one that is 20 years older than me!)

 

Any comments would be greatly appreciated Cheers guys! Sorry for the essay length story lol

[Summer Breeze]

Ok. Straight from the hip here. She was sizing you up and why wouldn't she? I would almost guess you had been brought to her attention somehow and she might have known you work closely together. She could well have insisted he bring you home to meet her so she could size you up and he did it to show her he had nothing to hide. I bet in the conversations you guys never mentioned anything about the texting and how wonderful he said you are. I'd almost bet he never said anything to her about taking you to your hotel room to say goodnight either. I think that exercise was for him to show her she had nothing to worry about when in fact we all know she does.

 

And next. You're getting pulled in and I want you to think about something. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR POWER. If he wants you to have an A with him you can not let him have your power or you will eventually shrivel away to a shadow of your former self. Tell him fine. You will not turn off your phone and you will not be quiet if she rings. If he wants to speak to her he needs to figure out how and where because you're not hiding. Tell him point blank that if she contacts you and asks you any questions, ever, that you will answer her honestly. Tell him that you want to be able to call him on his home phone and that if there are any emergencies you want to be able to call him and he'll come running. Tell him work is out of bounds. Work is work and any time together has to be done outside work hours. Set your boundaries and stick with him. You'll see just how much you mean to him if you make sure he knows you won't be the stereotypical OW.

 

Then set the timeframe. Give him 6 months or 3. Maybe a year if you think you need to. Tell him he has to be totally out of the M by whatever time you choose and that does not mean, I'm getting ready to tell her. He needs to be out. Be prepared to walk away.

 

Lastly is you. Gauge your happiness every step of the way. If at any time you feel unhappy or uncomfortable then walk away. This is your happiness at stake here and you need to guard it.

 

I say all of that because I said a whole lot of it, and lived it as well, with dMM. I never gave him or his M any power over me. When I wasn't happy I walked away. But I was in love with him for quite a while before we started the A. I don't think you're in the same situation. I wouldn't recommend an A to anyone because you can see how it hurts the AP and the BS but if you are going to get involved then you need to protect yourself. With any luck he'll show you just how serious he is.

 

Hold your ground if you are going to enter into the A. I still hope you don't.

[patronusglow]

Thanks for replying Summer Breeze! Your words make a lot of sense. I too thought that his sudden determination to introduce me to his wife wasn't entirely straightforward. I actually wondered whether she might have stumbled across his Facebook messages and asked for an explanation. In front of her, he never mentioned any of our previous "dates" or conversations, or any of our private jokes. In fact when I almost let something slip (as I'd had a few drinks) he gave me a look as if to say 'don't say that'. It almost seemed like he'd plucked me out of thin air! And when the wife asked me if the ring I had on my finger was an engagement ring (when it was on the wrong hand and looked NOTHING like an engagement ring) alarm bells started ringing.

 

It is interesting that you bring up my happiness. This is where it's so hard. I can't seem to decide whether he makes me happy or not! When I'm with him, I'm deliriously happy. I've never felt this way about any man before. It's like the perfect person has finally come along. But the moment he mentions something to do with his wife or kids I feel so angry with him! I'm trying to protect myself as much as possible, and outwardly I'm doing a decent job of it. I actually don't think he knows how much I really fancy him. He's very humble so would probably think I just liked him as a good friend. But it's eating me up inside! I know an affair would be a bad idea. But it's just so hard to walk away from it all. I feel like I can't possibly bring any of this up with him in case he tells me I've been reading the entire situation wrong, and then our friendship (and work relationship) is ruined.

 

Yesterday was his birthday and I bought him a bottle of wine. As a joke, I bought a card that said "For a very special grandad"- just a bit of ribbing about the fact that he's so much older than me. Also, I thought it might make him think that I didn't think of him in a romantic way (even though I completely do). I could tell he was amused but a little bit bummed out by the gesture. Later, he sent me a Facebook message saying he and his wife really enjoyed drinking the bottle of wine, and that his wife especially enjoyed it. Of course, that made me feel insanely jealous (even though I have no right to be). What a mess!

 

Once again- thank you for responding to me. It's good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and isn't judgemental! All of my friends think I'm completely crazy for even considering this.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks for replying Summer Breeze! Your words make a lot of sense. I too thought that his sudden determination to introduce me to his wife wasn't entirely straightforward. I actually wondered whether she might have stumbled across his Facebook messages and asked for an explanation. In front of her, he never mentioned any of our previous "dates" or conversations, or any of our private jokes. In fact when I almost let something slip (as I'd had a few drinks) he gave me a look as if to say 'don't say that'. It almost seemed like he'd plucked me out of thin air! And when the wife asked me if the ring I had on my finger was an engagement ring (when it was on the wrong hand and looked NOTHING like an engagement ring) alarm bells started ringing.

 

It is interesting that you bring up my happiness. This is where it's so hard. I can't seem to decide whether he makes me happy or not! When I'm with him, I'm deliriously happy. I've never felt this way about any man before. It's like the perfect person has finally come along. But the moment he mentions something to do with his wife or kids I feel so angry with him! I'm trying to protect myself as much as possible, and outwardly I'm doing a decent job of it. I actually don't think he knows how much I really fancy him. He's very humble so would probably think I just liked him as a good friend. But it's eating me up inside! I know an affair would be a bad idea. But it's just so hard to walk away from it all. I feel like I can't possibly bring any of this up with him in case he tells me I've been reading the entire situation wrong, and then our friendship (and work relationship) is ruined.

 

Yesterday was his birthday and I bought him a bottle of wine. As a joke, I bought a card that said "For a very special grandad"- just a bit of ribbing about the fact that he's so much older than me. Also, I thought it might make him think that I didn't think of him in a romantic way (even though I completely do). I could tell he was amused but a little bit bummed out by the gesture. Later, he sent me a Facebook message saying he and his wife really enjoyed drinking the bottle of wine, and that his wife especially enjoyed it. Of course, that made me feel insanely jealous (even though I have no right to be). What a mess!

 

Once again- thank you for responding to me. It's good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and isn't judgemental! All of my friends think I'm completely crazy for even considering this.

 

Girl run. If he is willing to purposely make you feel bad by making the comment about the wine he has started 'putting you in your place' and he's defining the place. Don't let him do that. It was in retaliation to the grandpa card but the intent was to hurt you rather than address the real issue. If I were you I'd send a quick message to his W and say you're so pleased they enjoyed the wine. I'd bet again that he didn't tell her where it came from. Let him know you won't be toyed with. Then you cut this loser loose. He probably does care for you but he has already made it clear to you in a very grand way that you are not his priority and it will not change. He's involved you in the lies and deceit in a very direct way and he doesn't care who he's hurting.

 

Walk away because what you are feeling now is nothing compared to what's in store. The longer you stay the more attached you'll be and the harder it will be to break away. Don't get in a situation where you will be the one hurt. Walk away.

[Ladydrib]

Unfortunately, I am now well infatuated and I think I might even be falling in love with this man. HELP!!! I never in a million years thought I would even entertain the idea of liking a married man (not to mention one that is 20 years older than me!)

 

Any comments would be greatly appreciated Cheers guys! Sorry for the essay length story lol

 

Your story is nearly identical to how mine started (including the age difference and how you were attached before you saw the affair comming). Though in my situation, he never brought me to his wife.

 

Anyway, I know you already feel pain at the idea of ending this with him. Probably for two reasons. 1. You will miss him. 2. You have hope you can be together. He is starting to feed you the hope by telling you his marriage is bad. Also, it's confusing because his words are not matching up with his actions which means one of two things. Either 1. He's a liar. Or 2. He's totally confused himself. Neither of which will bring any happiness to your life. In fact it will bring a great deal of pain if you don't get out now. I know it's further confusing because he makes you so happy. But it's a double edged sword because he's not available which will make you increasingly unhappy (as well as increasingly stuck) as time goes on. It only gets harder to get out of, the deeper in you get.

 

My best advice to you is get out. Take whatever steps necessary to do that. If you find it's too hard to stick to, leave your job if it will help. Do whatever it takes to get out.

[RickFox]

Thanks for replying Summer Breeze! Your words make a lot of sense. I too thought that his sudden determination to introduce me to his wife wasn't entirely straightforward. I actually wondered whether she might have stumbled across his Facebook messages and asked for an explanation. In front of her, he never mentioned any of our previous "dates" or conversations, or any of our private jokes. In fact when I almost let something slip (as I'd had a few drinks) he gave me a look as if to say 'don't say that'. It almost seemed like he'd plucked me out of thin air! And when the wife asked me if the ring I had on my finger was an engagement ring (when it was on the wrong hand and looked NOTHING like an engagement ring) alarm bells started ringing.

 

It is interesting that you bring up my happiness. This is where it's so hard. I can't seem to decide whether he makes me happy or not! When I'm with him, I'm deliriously happy. I've never felt this way about any man before. It's like the perfect person has finally come along. But the moment he mentions something to do with his wife or kids I feel so angry with him! I'm trying to protect myself as much as possible, and outwardly I'm doing a decent job of it. I actually don't think he knows how much I really fancy him. He's very humble so would probably think I just liked him as a good friend. But it's eating me up inside! I know an affair would be a bad idea. But it's just so hard to walk away from it all. I feel like I can't possibly bring any of this up with him in case he tells me I've been reading the entire situation wrong, and then our friendship (and work relationship) is ruined.

 

Yesterday was his birthday and I bought him a bottle of wine. As a joke, I bought a card that said "For a very special grandad"- just a bit of ribbing about the fact that he's so much older than me. Also, I thought it might make him think that I didn't think of him in a romantic way (even though I completely do). I could tell he was amused but a little bit bummed out by the gesture. Later, he sent me a Facebook message saying he and his wife really enjoyed drinking the bottle of wine, and that his wife especially enjoyed it. Of course, that made me feel insanely jealous (even though I have no right to be). What a mess!

 

Once again- thank you for responding to me. It's good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and isn't judgemental! All of my friends think I'm completely crazy for even considering this.

 

Yep, we all felt like we met the perfect person, better yet, a soulmate, came along. Turns out, in the vast majority of instances, they weren't even close to being that perfect person and he may very well show you just how unimportant you are once the excitement wears off or you're 'relationship' is discovered.

[2sure]

Maybe he is not thrilled at the moment to be over 40, married for years, and tied down with kids and all the details that go with that. So, he describes himself as unhappy with the marriage. His wife may not know this...just you. Why do you think this could be? Especially since you said yourself they seemed happy together?

 

Ah...that's right. All an act, "instigated " by the wife. How dare she.

 

Think about that. How have you come from being someone who wouldnt enter into a relationship with a married man with children....to someone who says a wife is trying to prove to you that her husband loves her, that she instigated looking like a happy family?

 

Are you OK with this? Whether he is happy or not, all he is doing is justifying having a relationship that will hurt his wife and kids because...you need him to justify it. You wouldn't have an affair with a married man if you couldnt get past the guilt .

[Pierre]

Hi all! This is my first post here- so glad I found this place before I lost my mind completely. Whilst technically I am not the "other woman", I sure do feel that way sometimes. First let me start by saying I am 24 and single. The man in question is 44 and married with two kids. He is also my boss. Here goes...

 

In April I went on a work trip with my boss and a couple of others from the company I work for but didn't know. It was a boring conference where I knew nobody (except my boss) but was required to socialise and attend functions almost constantly. Because he felt sorry for me, my boss hung around a little bit at these functions to make sure I was doing ok. We got to talking one night at dinner and discovered we actually had a lot in common. We ended up talking until the wee small hours and were the only two left at this function. The following day, during the conference, he ended up smsing me little jokes to break up the tedium, and asked me to lunch (he paid). Then, that night we decided to leave a work function early so we could go to a bar on our own. He even took me all the way up to my hotel room to say goodnight. The following day he took me sightseeing and we had a great time. It felt almost like a romantic getaway but with no sex. To me, I thought I had discovered an awesome new work friend (who I was secretly a bit attracted to).

 

We traveled back home to reality, but things had changed between us. He started coming up with excuses to call me (pretending to need help with work matters etc) and we'd occasionally text during the work day- nothing overly flirtatious just banter. Soon he was calling me every day and not bothering to come up with an excuse! He'd call always on his way home from work and we'd talk for about an hour each day. He'd rarely make any contact on weekends, though. It continued to progress from there- he asked if he could add me on Facebook so we started talking on there too. Then we started meeting for coffee once a week, and now we have lunch and occasionally dinner. He tells me I'm wonderful, that he adores me, that I'm lovely etc. He always pays for our meals and gives me little gifts all the time (music playlists, books etc) and I know he thinks about me often. He wants to know everything about me, my likes/dislikes, my friends, my family, my opinions on everything. And everything I tell him he remembers (unusual for a man, no?). All this time, he has mentioned his wife only in passing. I had this feeling he wasn't telling her about the lunch/coffee/dinner dates or phone calls, until one day he threw a spanner in the works and asked me over to his house to meet her! It seemed odd. He rarely talked about her over all these months- then all of a sudden was insistent that I meet her. Even though I felt uncomfortable, I went along and met his wife and kids. She was lovely and they seemed very happy together. Although I did feel like she was sizing me up a bit (asking me if I was in a relationship, showing me their wedding photo album etc). Seeing them happy together made me feel a little hurt- though I don't know what I expected! It was like they were making a show of how happy they were (mainly instigated by the wife). The following week I met up with him for an after work drink and he started saying unusual things, implying he was unhappy in his marriage, saying he didn't think it was fair when people judged others for having affairs or getting divorced. He also said "Sometimes you think you are happy and then someone else comes along and changes everything". Then he asked me if I'd ever been in love before. That got me even more confused- because he seemed happy in his marriage as far as I could tell! Can someone smarter than me please tell me what is going on! Or give me advice on what to do? Is he thinking of me as just a friend or something more? Unfortunately, I am now well infatuated and I think I might even be falling in love with this man. HELP!!! I never in a million years thought I would even entertain the idea of liking a married man (not to mention one that is 20 years older than me!)

 

Any comments would be greatly appreciated Cheers guys! Sorry for the essay length story lol

 

Most affairs start at work. Your story is very typical and there is nothing out of the ordinary.

 

The mann is grooming you to be his OW.

 

Why do you find a philandering man attractive?

 

Most happy women pay zero attention to old married men.

 

If you have an affair you will have to live in the shadows. His family will always come first for holidays, trips, weekends, and special occasions. You will spend Christmas by yourself and be on call for a quick roll in the sac if he can make time for you.

 

You will feel extreme guilt about the pain and misery his wife and children will feel when d-day comes along. Is that what you want?

[underwater2010]

You are the OW even though it has not been physical. You have allowed him to groom you for the physical part. Please stop accepting his gifts and calls unless the calls are about work. What you are taking part in is called an Emotional Affair.

[ThatJustHappened]

Ok. Straight from the hip here. She was sizing you up and why wouldn't she? I would almost guess you had been brought to her attention somehow and she might have known you work closely together. She could well have insisted he bring you home to meet her so she could size you up and he did it to show her he had nothing to hide. I bet in the conversations you guys never mentioned anything about the texting and how wonderful he said you are. I'd almost bet he never said anything to her about taking you to your hotel room to say goodnight either. I think that exercise was for him to show her she had nothing to worry about when in fact we all know she does.

 

And next. You're getting pulled in and I want you to think about something. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR POWER. If he wants you to have an A with him you can not let him have your power or you will eventually shrivel away to a shadow of your former self. Tell him fine. You will not turn off your phone and you will not be quiet if she rings. If he wants to speak to her he needs to figure out how and where because you're not hiding. Tell him point blank that if she contacts you and asks you any questions, ever, that you will answer her honestly. Tell him that you want to be able to call him on his home phone and that if there are any emergencies you want to be able to call him and he'll come running. Tell him work is out of bounds. Work is work and any time together has to be done outside work hours. Set your boundaries and stick with him. You'll see just how much you mean to him if you make sure he knows you won't be the stereotypical OW.

 

Then set the timeframe. Give him 6 months or 3. Maybe a year if you think you need to. Tell him he has to be totally out of the M by whatever time you choose and that does not mean, I'm getting ready to tell her. He needs to be out. Be prepared to walk away.

 

Lastly is you. Gauge your happiness every step of the way. If at any time you feel unhappy or uncomfortable then walk away. This is your happiness at stake here and you need to guard it.

 

I say all of that because I said a whole lot of it, and lived it as well, with dMM. I never gave him or his M any power over me. When I wasn't happy I walked away. But I was in love with him for quite a while before we started the A. I don't think you're in the same situation. I wouldn't recommend an A to anyone because you can see how it hurts the AP and the BS but if you are going to get involved then you need to protect yourself. With any luck he'll show you just how serious he is.

 

Hold your ground if you are going to enter into the A. I still hope you don't.

 

You're giving her tips about having an affair? That is disgusting.

 

OP, he is very clearly grooming you because he wants to sleep with you. All you're going to get out of this is some mediocre sex and a whole lot of heartache. Stop it before it happens.

[CarrieT]

Go back to all your texts, messages, and time spent together. Do you think his wife knows about any or all of it?

 

If not - if he has to hide his communication from you - then you are in an emotional affair.

 

As others have said, he is grooming you and you are willingly stepping into it unless you put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY.

 

Are you FB friends with his wife? Could you show her all your text messages? Could she now about your site-seeing day together? If the answer to any of these questions is "no," then you are in an emotional affair.

 

I'd start looking for a new job immediately, while you still have a good reference. It will only escalate as you are already emotionally attached and craving what you cannot have.

[Summer Breeze]

You're giving her tips about having an affair? That is disgusting.

 

OP, he is very clearly grooming you because he wants to sleep with you. All you're going to get out of this is some mediocre sex and a whole lot of heartache. Stop it before it happens.

 

I'm telling her how to keep her power. Whether or not she chooses to do so is up to her. If I were telling her which parking lots in Seattle were the most secluded then I'd agree it was disgusting. I'm telling her to set her boundaries and see how fast the man runs. That will reflect what her feelings are for her and also for his M. I'm not sure if you got the tone where several times I told her to stop before it starts. The problem is she probably won't because he is playing the part so well and she appears hooked. I want her to go into it on her terms not his, if she does go into it.

[Summer Breeze]

OP - giving him a timeframe gives you no power at all. All it does it waste your life. Based on what we read here and other boards, OW never stick to short "timeframes." Easier said than done, especially once the excuses starting pouring out. You will be an OW for years before you finally give up.

 

Don't waste another minute on this man. He's not leaving his wife.

 

Of course it does. She demands something happen by a time and if he doesn't do it she needs to get out. By the way, some of us do stick to timeframes. Ask my DMM. You're absolutely right it is really difficult to do but it can be done. But as I pointed out in my last post I also told her to run. I told her not to let it go any further. I'm just scared she's too far in and may not take that part of the advice and if she doesn't I don't want her to lose her power completely.

 

OP you'll do what you'll do but take all of this advice into consideration. You're hearing from the people who hurt at the hand of the A and the people who hurt at the result of the A. I keep saying you won't this and that but I don't know what you will do. I just hope you do not proceed with an A. Don't do that to yourself.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm telling her how to keep her power. Whether or not she chooses to do so is up to her. If I were telling her which parking lots in Seattle were the most secluded then I'd agree it was disgusting. I'm telling her to set her boundaries and see how fast the man runs. That will reflect what her feelings are for her and also for his M. I'm not sure if you got the tone where several times I told her to stop before it starts. The problem is she probably won't because he is playing the part so well and she appears hooked. I want her to go into it on her terms not his, if she does go into it.

 

He's married. She shouldn't even bother assessing her feelings for him..she should just recognize that he is off limits and stop what she's doing before it goes any further.

[Pierre]

The roll of OW is better suited for women that have been around the block and who already had children and failed relationships in the past. These are women that have given up the idea of having a conventional relationship in the open.

 

A 24 year old woman is just starting to live and she deserves a shot with a single man her own age. OP may wish to have a home and a family one day. Being the OW of an old guy will not accomplish that and she could easily throw away ten years of her life into nothing.

 

And if there is a d-day it will be hell to pay.

[Summer Breeze]

He's married. She shouldn't even bother assessing her feelings for him..she should just recognize that he is off limits and stop what she's doing before it goes any further.

 

What she should do and what she will do could be two very different things. As my posts suggest pretty strongly I agree with you that she should not go any further but I'm very concerned she's past that point.

 

And as far as assessing feelings, yes she should be. Feelings for people change and evolve and what I'm hoping for is that she push him and shows her his true colors. Then maybe she'll see him for what he is and ditch the whole idea of him.

[Summer Breeze]

You waited YEARS for them to finally split up before he came sniffing around again.

The OP doesn't need to settle for being the backup plan of a cheater who can't handle being alone.

 

No I didn't wait a second for them to finally split up. He never was going to leave and I moved on when I had enough. And as far as him finally coming sniffing around, he never stopped sniffing around from the day I ended it. I never gave him the time of day till he was a few weeks from D. Good try though Alice.

 

I do agree that she does not need to settle for him. As I've said over and over and over and over and over again I agree that she should turn tail and run.

[Summer Breeze]

Summer - I know your story well.

And I will state again, the OP deserves more than being the backup plan.

 

I guess from your previous post you don't know it as well as you think you do but this isn't about me so I'll state again - I agree she should not proceed with this on any level. I'm just worried that she will.

[ThatJustHappened]

Summer - I know your story well.

And I will state again, the OP deserves more than being the backup plan.

 

I don't think she's even the back up plan to be honest. If she refuses, I seriously doubt it would have a profound emotional affect on him. He sounds like a dirty old man who's looking for young, naive side tail.

[2sure]

It IS an interesting point that's being brought up. Most of can agree that she should not entertain the affair. Some think that if one must have an affair, let it at least be someone more experienced, mature, older...etc. Some of us are waving big red flags at this young woman...because we have already been in this train wreck ourselves.

 

BUT...many of us have told our children to not have sex until they are adults...but if they decide to make that bad choice at least use birth control.

Or not to drink, but if they must..to not drive. So, we accept that bad choices may be made and arm that with a back up plan...knowing what we do.

 

Same thing? I'm not sure myself.

[Summer Breeze]

OP I hope you haven't been scared off. No one here, including me, has any idea how far you are into this and none of us truly knows your feelings for him or his for you. All we can do is read your words and give you our thoughts. We do not know what you will do and how it will turn out.

 

We can make some educated guesses and you can tell by the bickering that we all have stong opinions. The one thing to keep in mind is that no matter where we stand it's obvious we all look at what you've told us and think you're best not to involve yourself any further.

 

Read the words written all over this board and learn from what people have gone through. Take a look at some of the oldest posts here and those people suffered the same heartaches we see you heading for and the MM aiming at his W.

 

I hope you walk away. I hope you go no further because it doesn't sound like his feelings are genuine. Maybe they are. Don't lose yourself or your power if you do go into this R. Don't make him more important to you than you are to yourself.

 

We're only guessing and probably sound like a bunch of old ladies gossiping at our fences. The one thing we have in common is somehow being hurt by an A and wanting to somehow help others.

[Summer Breeze]

It IS an interesting point that's being brought up. Most of can agree that she should not entertain the affair. Some think that if one must have an affair, let it at least be someone more experienced, mature, older...etc. Some of us are waving big red flags at this young woman...because we have already been in this train wreck ourselves.

 

BUT...many of us have told our children to not have sex until they are adults...but if they decide to make that bad choice at least use birth control.

Or not to drink, but if they must..to not drive. So, we accept that bad choices may be made and arm that with a back up plan...knowing what we do.

 

Same thing? I'm not sure myself.

 

 

I thought that same thing and tried to write it but it sounded pretty lame. I'm glad you said it. It's not the same thing exactly but I think it's a pretty good analogy.

[Pierre]

As we all know some of the OWs in the forum are innocent naive young women that are easily fooled and groomed by seasoned philandering men. I think OP falls in this category and she would greatly benefit from the experience of others.

 

If she was an old woman with no remaining options it would be a different story, but even them one would need to think about the destruction of the cheating MM's family by the affair.

[Summer Breeze]

We're not guessing (maybe you are), but the rest of us aren't.

 

The guy is a POS and he's not going anywhere. We KNOW what we're talking about, we KNOW the outcome and there's no guessing. She has no chance with him. To encourage her to think otherwise is wrong.

 

And I think sometimes it's not the message that's the problem but the way it's delivered. You're welcome to think and reace how you will and I'll do the same. At the end of the day we're both recommending she stop.

[Tenacity]

I too hope you aren't scared off, OP. I agree with everyone here that IF you proceed down this path you are likely to be in for a lot of pain.

 

What Summer Breeze has been trying to say (and she has said it clearly over and over) is that we can't KNOW what this man's intentions are, what he wants from you, or what he will ultimately do about anything. We don't know him, obviously, and although a lot of people seem to disagree with this, no one can predict the future.

 

But we can apply a lot of past experience and stories on here very similar to yours and say that it is extremely unlikely ths will turn into a situation where you end up with this man in your life as anything but a hidden affair.

 

I agree with Summer Breeze in that it does no good to tell people what they 'should' do if their mind is already made up as to what they are GOING to do.... there is all kinds of proof that this lecturing approach does not work (it's why many patients don't take the advice of physicians if they don't want to hear it... we can preach about the negative effects of some behavior six ways until Sunday and it has absolutely no impact... people still do exactly what they do. That is why we many times strive for small victories when it becomes apparent we aren't going to win the battle).

 

So that is why I agree that you are showing signs that you have already progressed too far down the path and rather than just watching a train wreck happen, some of us are trying to get you to at least recognize that it's coming and do some things to brace yourself for it. So yes.... IF YOU MUST go down this path, at least don't hand him all your power, and don't be his hidden side dish. Demand more for yourself.

 

Your best bet and the only way you are likely to avoid a lot of future pain is to STOP the train now. Believe me, you may think that may be hard and painful now, bu it is so exponentially harder after you get involved that I can't put it into words.

 

So really do some thinking before you continue in this manner. What do you want for your life in six months? A year? Five years? Given all you have heard here, do you think the steps you have been taking are going to get you there? What about this man's wife? Do you want to be a willing participant in destroying her and their marriage, which is likely to happen? What about his kids?

 

Please, please use your head and take control of your life. Make it be what you want... don't just let life happen to you. You have every bit of that power in your own hands. Don't give it away!

 

You sound like a very intelligent, sensitive young woman. I wish someone would have given me this advice when I was your age.