Can you ever really like a woman when you’re feeling less of a man?

[ja123]

There was a guy I met four years ago. We had a casual date and played some pool. I’m not sure why we never met again; perhaps it was because I was a fatty at the time. Maybe it was because I moved shortly after and changed numbers.

 

Anyhow, I was walking into the subway 3 weeks ago, and a very attractive man held the door for me. We each smiled and I said, “Thank you.” He said, “Hey, I don’t I know you?” As it turns out, it was the guy from 4 years ago. He looked better than he did before. And I have really slimmed down. We talked for a bit, and I asked him if he had a girl, and he said no. From what he said, he’s in a point of transition right now. Life must be hard for him. Anyhow, he asked for my number and said we’ll hook up.

 

So, he never called …

 

I did feel some disappointment.

 

Then 2 days ago, as I was getting ready for work, I thought I would put on some nice lipstick as maybe I would see him again. Then, I get to the subway and, lo-and-behold, I see him again, and he approaches me. I commented that he never called. He apologized and said that he’s been busy, but that he thought of me a couple of times. Then, he apologized again and said he was very solitary at this time.

 

I told him that I really wouldn’t be able to do more than friends right now anyway, as I have some things I’m working on in my own life. We talked a bit about life, and then I had to leave to go to work. But I did ask for his phone number which he gave me.

 

Truthfully, I’m not looking for a relationship at this moment, nor am I looking for some hit-n-run sex. But I really wouldn’t mind just going to the movies with a man and sitting next to him. No expectations … just two lonely, solitary souls taking a break from the fight.

 

(Here’s the subtext running through my brain as I’m typing this … just to keep it honest …Who am I kidding? Of course, I want to have sex with him!!!)

 

But, yeah, I don’t want it to be hit-n-run, and neither of us can do a relationship now. So, it’d be a bad idea to let the gonads get involved. I really have to keep my eye on the ball in my own life at this time.

 

And I imagine he’s probably feeling pretty sh*tty about his life right now and maybe even less of a man.

 

Of course, I’m in a serious debate with myself over whether I will call him. I’m thinking maybe I’m too attracted to him,and that I will take my eye off the ball.

 

Plus, I’m wondering if a man can really ever grow to like a woman (even just as friends),if he meets her when he’s been knocked down, and perhaps feeling like less of a man?

 

I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts: direct comments on my situation, or your own experiences or observations.

 

Thanks!

Edited December 1, 2012 by ja123

[gaius]

Plus, I’m wondering if a man can really ever grow to like a woman (even just as friends),if he meets her when he’s been knocked down, and perhaps feeling like less of a man?

I think you would have a hard time making that happen since there's already that sexual element there. You have a very good sense of men ja. Better than most women I would say. Most guys do have a dating killswitch that can seriously hinder them if they don't feel they're living up to the standard of maleness they believe in. Even if you throw yourself at him he will do his best to sabotage things. Not calling you back is only the beginning.

 

Might as well give it a shot though if you're willing to weather through the difficulty and not take his flakiness personally.

[Ninjainpajamas]

No, it's obvious what you are trying to do here and it's not going to work.

 

You're basically begging for crumbs, thinking that if you get a chance to be with him that maybe something will develop...some kind of connection, emotional bond and at best you could ask for him to use you...but really, ultimately you'd like to be with the guy, but that's unreasonable, he's not that into you.

 

You're not asking him to grow anything because nothing exists, you're asking him to develop something that is not there altogether.

 

These are the kinds of situations where women have their mind made up and are extremely determined and focused on the goal here, however unrealistic it may be in reality...ultimately you will be disappointed, unless you're the type to try and value what was had because you so desperately like the man, that you feel it was worth any kind of investment and outcome once you get over the emotional waterfall and disappointment of it not developing into what you want...because if he sticks it in you or decides to take the free meal, you're just going to get more attached...and you know what, you'll only have yourself to blame for that, don't blame him for stringing you along or using you, you're the one making the offer, and If you don't care and just want to have sex with him then just keep up the pressure, when he's got nothing better to do most men will eventually take the bait...they just won't make you a priority over it, it'll be up to your persistence and that's if he's even interested in taking it that far which from the sound of it, he's not really that attracted to you anyway or he'd at least hit it, then give you the whole unavailable situation later on.

 

Men play their cards differently when they at least want something out of it. You're making it clear as day that you are interested, so I'd say the biggest factor is he isn't attracted. But you're just trying to twist this into something you can swallow so you can feel there's some reasonable excuse he's not pursuing you...good luck with that.

[ja123]

Gaius - I guess I try to look at it from a man's perspective. If I were a man, I'd be very cirumspect as to why a woman might like me when I'm down. Part of me would be grateful that she's not just a gold digger who's looking at my wallet, but sees the human before her. Yet, the other part of me would flee from her due to my own sense of personal shame. Then, when I do get on my feet again, I'd either love her more because somewhere I'd feel she's genuine; or, if I never really worked through the shame, then I'd reject her because she knew me when I was less of a man, and I'd not want to accept the vulnerability that that entails. I'd end up perhaps hating her because somewhere I hated myself.

 

Ninja - You are right. Leaving all the extraneous issues of 'timing' aside, he is NOT that into me. At the very least, he would have made a play for a hit-n-run, I think, as most men would when it's on offer. I would be doing myself an incredible disservice if I accepted anything less than being someone's cat's meow. I want to be the woman who inspires a man to be a better person, and vice-versa. I want to feel the excitement and passion I feel reflected in someone else's eyes. Why settle for less?

 

After some reflection, though I'm attracted to him physically, I am also attracted to the fact that he is not available to me. It makes it safe, in some way. The last few years I have been in the fight of my life. There's a big prize waiting for me: myself! I feel I'm almost there, and, yes, I'd be taking my eye off the ball to allow myself to live in some fantasy as opposed to doing the very reality-based work to complete what I've started. It's just a matter of stepping up to the plate, alone, and doing it!

 

Thanks, to both of you, for the input.

 

I will not call him.

Edited December 2, 2012 by ja123