MikeTee Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 MY HAPPINESS I started dating a girl 3 months ago. We said we wanted to take things slow but our actions spoke louder than our words. We have been intimate since our second date, she has a key to my apartment, and we are even planning a trip together to Mexico in 2 weeks (actually we already bought the tickets). I am truly happy when I'm with her. We both enjoy art, museums, liquor, city-life, and great sex. She is beautiful, creative, and I have fallen for her. She continuously says she loves being with me too and I have repeatedly caught her whispering she loved me when she thought I was asleep . MY PROBLEM is she is very VERY hard communicate and plan with. To the point where we have never planned a date earlier than a few hours in advanced... NOT ONCE. Anytime I attempt to ask her about a day she might be free she either procrastinates an answer or tells me she's busy. Even worst sometimes she completely flakes, she'll promise me I will see her tonight and then never comes over and gives me a lame excuse. On the flip side... sometimes she shows up randomly to my apartment to surprise me and then she'll stay the entire weekend. I know infidelity is not an issue and I know she is a terrible communicator with friends and family... they complain as well. TO SUM UP She is a busy person, but I feel like she doesn't respect me enough to make plans or communicate. When I try to bring it up she just curls up, feels bad, and shuts me out. My friends say lose her... but I really care about her... Any advice is appreciated :/
SJC2008 Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 This is why you don't sleep with someone until you get to know them. You wind up emotionally invested in someone you're not compatible with. But hey it's 2012, *** 1st and ask questions last.
Toddbt12y1 Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Best solution is when you actually(and hopefully) get a chance to talk with her to talk with her about this then and there. To relay your feels of hurt about her lack of communication and not planning properly with you. Time spent together is important, so is communication, she needs to know. This.
SJC2008 Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 On the advice side of things you may want to break things off before you're too invested. People are either good communicators or they're not. Some people may fall in between but for the most part it's either good or not. I'd say have a heart to heart with her, tell her communication is important to you... Good luck:}
Author MikeTee Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 This is why you don't sleep with someone until you get to know them. You wind up emotionally invested in someone you're not compatible with. But hey it's 2012, *** 1st and ask questions last. Thanks for the quick reply and advice. I never thought of becoming emotionally invested with someone because of sex, obvious I know, but I should be more careful. In the case with this girl however, I think her kindness is what I'm really invested with. She takes care of her family and she is very thoughtful with me. She's the greatest thing when she's standing in front of you but nearly impossible to reach or make plans with over the phone, text, internet. Sometimes I can't really reach her for a conversation for days or a week.
Under The Radar Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 My gut tells me based on what you wrote that communication will not improve with her over time. People only become more engrained in their habits over time. If this early in the relationship she is a poor communicator, bad at making plans, flakes sometimes at the last minute, and pouts when you bring it up ...... things do not bode well in the future for positive change. You even mentioned that she is this way with her friends and family; that they are not happy with her communication skills. You are still in the Romance Stage (READ: Honeymoon Stage) of the relationship at 3 months and things will get harder as time goes by. These problems, IMO, will only magnify over the next year or two (if you guys make it that far) without better communication. Really, from what I read in your post it doesn't even seem like she respects you half the time. Cancelling plans at the last minute and refusing to schedule time with you in advance are red flags to me. Over time I believe you will become resentful and exhausted dealing with these issues. Like others have said, it IS worth talking to her about this and how you feel. However, people generally do not change who they are and she isn't even compromising this early in the relationship. See what she says and MORE IMPORTANTLY pay attention to her actions after the talk. I hate to say it, but be prepared to walk away if she is unwilling to meet you halfway. It simply means you guys are incompatible despite having an emotional connection.
Author MikeTee Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Really, from what I read in your post it doesn't even seem like she respects you half the time. Cancelling plans at the last minute and refusing to schedule time with you in advance are red flags to me. Over time I believe you will become resentful and exhausted dealing with these issues. Thanks for your reply. It helps tremendously. I have already become exhausted. It's such a strange position to have an incompatible yet emotional connection. I should also mention that I ended a 2 year relationship 2 months before dating this girl but NEVER expected to fall for her so quick. She has admitted fears of being a rebound, which she is not. More importantly, she ended a 8 year relationship over a year ago. I wonder how she could have kept a relationship for so many years with these communication skills. Is her problem a new/temporary one? Not really looking for answers just thinking out loud.
dandyandy Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 (edited) she's a rebound. you are with her for validation, infatuated with who you are dreaming she is, not who she is. You should have confidence a woman loves you by her actions, not by what she says. You are taking the exact opposite approach. Maybe it was actions speaking louder than words in the beginning, but you are letting her words and your fantasy land speak way louder than her actions and reality. enjoy the vacation if it happens, might be some good sex, but start looking elsewhere yesterday, and base it on actions and immediate future plans, not on fantasy. Edited December 1, 2012 by dandyandy
GSB81 Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 She's keeping you at a distance. Mirror her behavior, see how she responds.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Yeah you may not realize it now, but she's definitely a rebound. Emotions and vulnerability are at an all time high after you are out of relationship. You're emotionally battered, filling a void, and in seek of attention and affection without even realizing it. That's why things went so fast, that's why you fell for her so hard...If you're emotions are even keeled you might have taken it slower and gotten to know her better and likely not giving her the keys to your apartment and taking trips to Mexico because I bet you don't even know each other that well as you think you do, it's all just emotions, lust and this feeling of emotions you don't want to let go...so you're both feeding into that, but once the smoke clears you're going to realize you guys are probably not even very compatible. This whole Mexico trip is fine, just go with it, I'm not sure if I'd stir the pot before then unless this is something really bothering, and in the end it likely isn't going to make a damn difference anyway so you might as well enjoy your trip with her together and put aside her bad communication and flakiness. After the trip try talking to her about her communication and how you feel about her flaking, she'll likely say this and that because she's already aware of it...but don't expect her to change, she might say oh ok and really shift gears for a little bit and be on time and communicate but then she'll suddenly go back into the same person she is....she seems like an independent person with little relationship experience, and you both sound a bit on the young/naive side. You have to remember, that the person is who they are and what they're showing you as is when it comes to things like this, things they aren't trying to control and just apart of their personality and how they conduct themselves out of habit, you might improve a little bit here and there but you'll need to really hammer in the communication with her and work to get on the same page, you need to realize if this is something that you can handle and start looking at the relationship as a whole instead of in the clouds...she's not as perfect as you think she is, and she sounds like a love junkie rather than someone who is probably sincerely in love with you, but just someone who found someone to get her fix with. She'll probably shut down, push you away, and sabotage the relationship with a guy like you.
Divasu Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 MY PROBLEM is she is very VERY hard communicate and plan with. To the point where we have never planned a date earlier than a few hours in advanced... NOT ONCE. But you've planned a trip to be together for two weeks... and we are even planning a trip together to Mexico in 2 weeks (actually we already bought the tickets).
Divasu Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 More importantly, she ended a 8 year relationship over a year ago. I wonder how she could have kept a relationship for so many years with these communication skills. Certain people communicate better with others, given their individual communication styles. I communicate fantastically with some people, other people not so much. My one friend and I are complete opposite personalities, yet we know each other very well (not through electronic communication, but through time/experiences shared). If she was with the guy for 8 years, they were probably able to develop their own communication style over time. 8 years is very different from 3 months in terms of emotional intimacy. Here's the thing though, if you try to talk to her about it and she shuts down every time, it's either one of two things. Either you are not communicating your thoughts/feelings in a non-threatning manner, OR, she sucks at communicating altogether. My sister is married to a guy who goes at the pace of a snail and if I never heard him talk, I would think he's a mute. Somehow it works for them though. (she is also very aggressive and in your face, so that probably has something to do with it). I have another friend who is extremely outgoing and chatty ONLINE, Facebook, etc., but in person she barely utters a word. Point is, everyone communicates differently. The key to it is in finding a communication style that works for the both of you.
Author MikeTee Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Yeah you may not realize it now, but she's definitely a rebound. Emotions and vulnerability are at an all time high after you are out of relationship. You're emotionally battered, filling a void, and in seek of attention and affection without even realizing it. Her being a rebound seems to be the consensus. I would argue that this statement is totally untrue, since I see a future with her and am committed to being with her... BUT now I feel maybe that's just me legitimizing the relationship and hiding the true nature of it. In other words, just because I don't want to end my relationship with this girl, doesn't mean she's not a rebound. Maybe trying to make this relationship work is an unfair thing rather than a good thing. On the contrary, I enjoy being single. Before I met this girl and even my ex, I was enjoying the bachelor city life. I loved focusing on my career, health, lifestyle and going out and meeting people and dating girls. I sacrificed part of that lifestyle to be with this girl, and I thought that meant she wasn't a rebound as well. But reading these posts are proof I'm not seeing the big picture.
Author MikeTee Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 But you've planned a trip to be together for two weeks... Haha. Yes. I noticed these two statements sounded contradictory, which is why I said we never planned a "date" and then I talked about the "trip" we had planned. And to be honest, when I said we planned a trip, I meant we impulsively purchased tickets to go to to Mexico, because we were having an amazing day and are "adventurous" (recklessly impulsive).
joli_doll Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Have you expressed to her how much the difficulty in communication bothers you? And by expressing those feelings I am not referring to trying to make plans with her and see if she finally responds in an acceptable manner. I mean being assertive about the real issue that is perplexing you. Every relationship is different and you can't expect her to communicate with you the same way she did with her ex, just as you wouldn't communicate with her the way you did with yours. Similar to the progress you've made in the other aspects of the relationship, communication evolves throughout the advancement of a relationship. Two people coming into each other's lives as they start a new relationship is exactly that. If she has been lackluster in contact with you, chances are she thinks that's how this relationship is going to continue in terms of communication and not big deal meaning that you are both satisfied. Not that I find her actions justifiable, but given your mention of her being a busy person I would say it's safe to say that other things on her mind could cause her to overlook organizing a date. If you feel she doesn't give you enough importance to make plans with you, communicate that to her as well. If you feel that you are in a strange position about the incompatibility, you are. Compatibility isn't going to work itself out. Her problem may not be temporary, it might not even be a problem for her at all. She probably doesn't think that this significant for you and you need to make that known to her. Basically, what I'm saying is that you can't expect the relationship to take a different direction, fulfilling your needs without you vocalizing your concerns.
Author MikeTee Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Have you expressed to her how much the difficulty in communication bothers you? And by expressing those feelings I am not referring to trying to make plans with her and see if she finally responds in an acceptable manner. I mean being assertive about the real issue that is perplexing you. There was one time I told her in a very straight forward way that she needed to communicate better. It was a night that she made plans to see me after her work and visiting her family. She told me she would come over after dinner, but ended up arriving almost at 1am on weeknight. When she arrived she looked exhausted. I calmly told her that she needed to tell me if she was going to be late or change plans. I was very straight forward, but she started crying and told me "I don't think I have time for you. I have so much going on." I felt terrible. I know I shouldn't have, but with her college, work, and her family, I felt like a burden rather than a partner. I ended up just hugging her and she fell asleep crying in my arms. The next day she apologized, I asked her if I was a burden and she said that I actually make her happy/relaxed. We have had many many happy outings since then. This was our first month. Since then I have been more forgiving of her behavior, but I have reached a breaking point.
joli_doll Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Oh no, that might be a little much to bring into a 1-month old relationship. I was trying to make a case for her because I can be oblivious about communicating in relationships and it isn't until it is brought to my attention that I realize how much the other person wants vs how much I give. Future or not, it does seem like the best option to go on your own ways instead of remaining in a relationship that proves to be difficult and demanding. The first couple of months are supposed to be light and fun. She obviously has issues she needs to sort out on her own and time that is indispensable for her. I'm positive you two can have an amicable split so you can give yourself some serious "you" time, starting with a trip to Mexico! just grab a friend or go solo;)
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