kaylan Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 (edited) This thread is a segway from this thread. And heres my last post in that thread as an update to my current situation. Quick summary update: Hung out two nights ago, had some drinks, danced, stayed at her place. Had a fabulous night....really good physical chemistry...shes a very giving lover. Had another round in the morning before I left for the day...played halo all day and relaxed on my day off. Spent the night again last night...watch part of a movie...had more fun....slept holding each other. All in all shes a really nice girl, and despite having some reservations Im gonna have an open mind about all this. She did make sure to mention to me a few times that she hopes to hear from me and see me again...and I made sure to tell her each time that Im not the kinda guy who has sex with a girl and stops talking to her. She really likes me, and I enjoy my time with her, so Im gonna make sure we get to know one another well. And yes we talked about stds and birth control before we did anything. I actually brought it up first, and she was impressed at the fact that I did...because apparently a guy has never brought it up first to her. I asked her "Is this safe healthwise?" and she told me yes and even told me when she was last tested. So yeah, it wasnt awkward at all and things went smoothly after that. I guess. The relationship tag just seems like an all-in proposition where Im vulnerable and the girl is vulnerable. And I dont like the idea of people getting hurt. And Im still getting comfy with the idea of being "tied down" again. Then again, usually when I hook up with a girl I like I dont stray to anyone else anyways....so Im confusing really. As it stands, this girl is very sweet, very reassuring, and very into me. She says things I used to always wish my exes would say to me to show me they cared about how I felt. We are wrapped up in one another in bed, and we dont need words...we just enjoy the closeness. Sure its prolly just the newness of it all, but its great. And yeah, we had sex right away, but its had no bearing on how I view her in regards to being a girlfriend prospect. I dont think shes a slut or anything stupid like that. She also has a rather average past with sex, thats on par with mine...so of course I wont judge her badly for hooking up right away when I am doing the same with her. As it stands, Im more worried about how much she may actually like me, and wondering where things will end up as we get to know each other more. Shes a real sweetheart, and shes making me have an open mind about things for right now. All I know is that even though I didnt get that "lets be together" spark that I got with my exes right away...I know we have a connection and chemistry thats worth exploring for the time being. And whats even weirder...when I feel attracted to other girls, or have the opportunity to take out another girl who is into me...I feel guilty and remember what potential I could have with this current gal. So Im kinda committed even though we havent talked about it yet. All in all, like I keep telling people here in various threads...a guy is going to like you or not like you no matter when you have sex with him. First date, or after the first month...if he likes you, he likes you. If he just wanted to use you for sex, putting out on the first date wasnt what made him bail on you. This new girl keeps telling me shes never hooked up this fast with a guy, and apologized to me for being aggressive, but I told her and continue to tell her that the moment felt right and Im not judging her by what happened. Edited December 1, 2012 by kaylan
dandyandy Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 recommend you still pursue other women who are up to your standards. if you don't want to sleep with them, that's your call, but you sound in a dangerous position of giving power to this one girl and losing her attraction. you don't need her. you'll let her keep having some of your time if she keeps earning it. don't fall for the fantasy, stay in reality.
MrCastle Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 That's great Kaylan. Happy for you. Just don't get too up or too down with this situation, keep an even keel. 1
pbjbear Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 This thread is a segway from this thread. And heres my last post in that thread as an update to my current situation. As it stands, this girl is very sweet, very reassuring, and very into me. She says things I used to always wish my exes would say to me to show me they cared about how I felt. We are wrapped up in one another in bed, and we dont need words...we just enjoy the closeness. Sure its prolly just the newness of it all, but its great. And yeah, we had sex right away, but its had no bearing on how I view her in regards to being a girlfriend prospect. I dont think shes a slut or anything stupid like that. She also has a rather average past with sex, thats on par with mine...so of course I wont judge her badly for hooking up right away when I am doing the same with her. As it stands, Im more worried about how much she may actually like me, and wondering where things will end up as we get to know each other more. Shes a real sweetheart, and shes making me have an open mind about things for right now. All I know is that even though I didnt get that "lets be together" spark that I got with my exes right away...I know we have a connection and chemistry thats worth exploring for the time being. And whats even weirder...when I feel attracted to other girls, or have the opportunity to take out another girl who is into me...I feel guilty and remember what potential I could have with this current gal. So Im kinda committed even though we havent talked about it yet. All in all, like I keep telling people here in various threads...a guy is going to like you or not like you no matter when you have sex with him. First date, or after the first month...if he likes you, he likes you. If he just wanted to use you for sex, putting out on the first date wasnt what made him bail on you. This new girl keeps telling me shes never hooked up this fast with a guy, and apologized to me for being aggressive, but I told her and continue to tell her that the moment felt right and Im not judging her by what happened. We told you in your other thread this would happen but you didnt listen. You will end up hurting her Im sure. She sounds more into you than you are into her ("Im WORRIED how much she actually likes me") but youre rationalizing everything
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 We told you in your other thread this would happen but you didnt listen. You will end up hurting her Im sure. She sounds more into you than you are into her ("Im WORRIED how much she actually likes me") but youre rationalizing everything Why are people so worried about getting hurt? Of course, everyone is aware that any time you like someone (regardless of sex or not) - there is a possibility of getting hurt. Any relationship can end tomorrow, it is always a risk. People learn to get over things and deal with heartbreak. I am sure this girl will be just fine regardless of the outcome. 1
pbjbear Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 (edited) Why are people so worried about getting hurt? Of course, everyone is aware that any time you like someone (regardless of sex or not) - there is a possibility of getting hurt. Any relationship can end tomorrow, it is always a risk. People learn to get over things and deal with heartbreak. I am sure this girl will be just fine regardless of the outcome. This is true theres always a risk and Im sure she will be fine but I think this situation is different...its kaylan's attitude that bothers me. If he had an open mind like he claims he is, he wouldnt be worrying that this girl likes him. Ive seen this situation a million times and I have never seen a time when a guy with this attitude didnt end up hurting the girl. I am not into guys that dont give a crap about hurting others, like seriously? Its a turn off. Any girl that doesnt see that as a turnoff in a guy she likes has low self esteem so I dont get your argument there. I bet in some time we will see posts down the line with kaylan saying "oh no shes acting so into me now but I want the sex so I am going to keep on pretending I like her alot like she likes me and say I care about her..." and rationalizing it out the wazoo. Edited December 1, 2012 by pbjbear
Mycteria Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 I don't wait on sex because I think the guy will bail afterwards. If he's gonna bail, he's gonna bail no matter when it happens. You're right on that. I wait on sex because it gives me more time to find out his intentions before I sleep with him so that I can bail first, if necessary.
Author kaylan Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 (edited) recommend you still pursue other women who are up to your standards. if you don't want to sleep with them, that's your call, but you sound in a dangerous position of giving power to this one girl and losing her attraction. you don't need her. you'll let her keep having some of your time if she keeps earning it. don't fall for the fantasy, stay in reality. Id rather not chase other girls too much until I find out exactly where things are going with the current girl. Id rather avoid potential drama. We told you in your other thread this would happen but you didnt listen. You will end up hurting her Im sure. She sounds more into you than you are into her ("Im WORRIED how much she actually likes me") but youre rationalizing everything I hear what you are saying, but like I said, Im going into this with an open mind. Op, how was the sex? It was pretty great. Definitely up there on the list of my most enjoyable sexual encounters (if not the best). Aside from the sex stuff, shes been a sweet girl so far and fun to be around. I mean shes even cooking for us when I visit her again. Massive cool points. Edited December 1, 2012 by kaylan
Author kaylan Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 This is true theres always a risk and Im sure she will be fine but I think this situation is different...its kaylan's attitude that bothers me. If he had an open mind like he claims he is, he wouldnt be worrying that this girl likes him. Ive seen this situation a million times and I have never seen a time when a guy with this attitude didnt end up hurting the girl. I am not into guys that dont give a crap about hurting others, like seriously? Its a turn off. Any girl that doesnt see that as a turnoff in a guy she likes has low self esteem so I dont get your argument there. I bet in some time we will see posts down the line with kaylan saying "oh no shes acting so into me now but I want the sex so I am going to keep on pretending I like her alot like she likes me and say I care about her..." and rationalizing it out the wazoo. If I didnt give a crap about hurting her, I wouldnt be even giving any of this a chance. I wouldnt have even allowed her the opportunity to get to know me, or me to know her better to see if theres something there. If I didnt give a crap about hurting others, I wouldnt be so concerned that her and I might end up on different pages. I dont need to pretend to like this girl. I do like her...I just dont know her well enough to actually want more from her at this moment. I dont know too much about her that would make me like her a lot. I wouldnt pretend and fake something just for sex with her at the expense of her feelings. Maybe you need to read everything Im saying instead of zeroing in on a few things you dont like, and projecting your own personal feelings into this situation, you should hear what Ive been saying all along from the other thread. If this girl and I talk, and she wants to do things differently than myself, then I will end things. I dont need to lead her on for sex. Hell, right now I really want to focus on getting to know her and bonding with her to see if there can be a connection between us,
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 The majority of women bond with sex. The sooner they have sex, the sooner their emotions impact on decision making. It's a lot more difficult to cut and run on someone who's not treating you right, if you're already bonded. So that's why it's not rational for women who bond with sex, to have sex early.
Author kaylan Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 And my exes were terrible roller coaster rides I rushed into. Im older and more mature now, which is why I think taking my time is the best course of action. Yeah this chick seems to really dig me, but like I said, Im not taking advantage of that in order to get sex. I actually want to get to know her instead of rushing into anything or rushing to dismiss anything. And that link of yours is different from my situation. I barely know this girl, she hasnt met my family, we dont see each other 3 or 4 times a week, and havent said the L word either. Chill out.
Author kaylan Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Nevermind the difference in length between my situation and theirs in the link. I only just hooked up with this girl a few days ago...not two months ago. Can the situation develop and we be given a chance to see what might exist between us before people start assuming shes gung ho for everything and that Im leading her on for sex?That couple dated for 6 months. How about you not jump down my throat everytime you hear an opinion different than what you want to hear? I notice youve done that with the other posters. Jump down your throat? Not at all. Im telling you how off base you are and how my situation differs from the one you presented. I even have to constantly repeat how I dont lead women on, especially not for 6 months. It wouldnt take me anywhere near that long to decide to cut someone loose.
pbjbear Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Shes already acting like she likes you alot after only a few meetings IMO. She will be "gung ho" soon for sure, the thing is if she is really so sweet I doubt she will tell you this because she is going to hope you change your mind. Oh well its her life and she can take this as a lesson learned. I have never seen this kind of situation work out well for the girl
Author kaylan Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Taking your time is perfectly fine and all my relationships I rushed into so I feel ya- in fact it took me 3 short but terrible relationships to realize committing after a month is a terrible idea. You can get to know her without acting like youre already in a relationship and misleading her. I know you keep saying shes cool with it, but I am positive she isnt now or wont be shortly and shes will not say anything about it for fear of scaring you away too quickly. Ultimately this was her choice to participate but she sounds too good to be true based on what you said. Many guys would kill to have a girlfriend like this so thats why Im voicing my opinion so strongly that I really really hope you dont hurt her. The thing is, sex already happened. Cuddling already happened. Fun times alone already happened. Im not going to act like were deep in a relationship, but Im going to enjoy time with her. It seems you are advising me to keep her at bay so things dont seem "relationship-y". Keeping her at bay will merely give her the impression that I used her for sex and am trying to get space, and I dont want to send that impression. Trust me, Im doing what I am doing because I definitely dont want to hurt her. Of course I know guys would love a gf like her, which is part of why Im going to try and let my guard down and see if we have anything together. I have my reservations, but Im giving it a shot.Shes already acting like she likes you alot after only a few meetings IMO. She will be "gung ho" soon for sure, the thing is if she is really so sweet I doubt she will tell you this because she is going to hope you change your mind. Oh well its her life and she can take this as a lesson learned. I have never seen this kind of situation work out well for the girl All I can do is wait and see.
maybealone Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 The majority of women bond with sex. The sooner they have sex, the sooner their emotions impact on decision making. It's a lot more difficult to cut and run on someone who's not treating you right, if you're already bonded. I don't know if bonding is the right term in my case, but it definitely clouds my ability to notice red flags. I am more likely to convince myself that compatibility issues aren't important, which leads to big problems down the road. That matters more to me than being judged by some mythical time frame for sex.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I don't know if bonding is the right term in my case, but it definitely clouds my ability to notice red flags. I am more likely to convince myself that compatibility issues aren't important, which leads to big problems down the road. That matters more to me than being judged by some mythical time frame for sex.Consider the impacts of vasopressin on pair bonding.
Recommended Posts