My (very long) Chronicle

[AJT]

I met my husband online in 1999. He lived almost 2000 miles away, was engaged when we met, but broke it off after he'd met me in person. We got married in 2001. He's been my only romantic relationship--the first kiss, first everything. I used to take a lot of pride in our relationship, until Ben entered the picture...

My husband met Ben in 2006. They were co-workers and started hanging out together outside of work. Ben was married, but not happily. A couple years into the friendship, Ben went through a divorce and my husband was the one he leaned on for support.

After Ben's divorce, he whored around. He started short-term relationships with a couple of women, but they didn't last long. Then he started a relationship with his old neighbor, Carly (the one he'd lived next to when he was married). She was married, but started cheating on her husband to be with Ben. It got serious, but Ben was having trouble dealing with wanting her to leave her husband, so he moved away in 2008. That December was the first time he spoke to my husband about committing suicide.

This was the worst time in my marriage (at the time)--my husband and Ben had a very deep connection, an intimacy if you will, that seemed to be stronger than what my husband and I had together. I got jealous. I told my husband of my feelings, my wishes, time and again, but nothing really changed. He seemed to prefer to spend time with Ben rather than me. I felt extremely insecure. However, I didn't want to say to my husband, "I don't want you to be friends with Ben anymore" because I didn't want to put that kind of wedge in our relationship. Ben was my husband's closest friend and I know he needed friendship in his life.

Eventually Ben moved back to town, picked up with the married neighbor again--then Carly got pregnant. It wasn't his (he'd had a vasectomy years before) and because of the pregnancy, she felt she needed to try to make things work with her husband.

Again, Ben spoke of suicide. Again, my husband was his only support. My husband really started pushing me to befriend Carly. I liked her more than Ben's previous girlfriends, but still didn't warm up to her until she left her husband. And even then, I really had to force myself to be around her. We had nothing in common.

The marriage didn't work out, divorce proceedings started not long after Carly gave birth. She, and her baby, moved in with Ben. His 10 year old son moved in with them as well (he'd lived with his mom in another state up until then).

While Carly had been sleeping with Ben during her marriage, she'd share nude pictures with him. A few of these pictures he shared with my husband. He liked to show off. I'm sure he showed my husband more pictures than my husband told me about.

During a visit to our home, his son stole something from us. We were forced to confront him about it. He was an insincere brat when he "apologized" but we chalked it up to him just acting out. When he stayed with us a few months later, we made sure he wasn't left alone--and he still managed to steal something else. He took it to school and showed it off. I wrote him off at that point--fool me once....

In spring 2011, Ben lost his job. He didn't tell Carly. He lied to her for weeks, then months. He got depressed and only turned to my husband for support, again. I really lost all respect for Ben--this, on top of how he dealt with his son stealing from us, on top of a whole list of other bad decisions he'd made. Carly knew something was up, she just didn't know what. Her sexual relationship with Ben was horrible. She wanted sex, he wasn't in the mood. She tried to dress sexy, took to running because she worried he thought she was overweight, basically she tried everything she could think of to regain Ben's interest in her. She turned to my husband for support, because he knew Ben better than anyone. He didn't tell her what was going on with Ben, but continued to be her shoulder to cry on.

The weekend before Thanksgiving 2011, I tried to help Carly, give her what advice I could about her relationship, without actually letting her know that Ben was lying to her. She cried to me. Then she talked about wanting to have another baby--something that would be very difficult to do since having a vasectomy reversed didn't have great odds with conception.

3 days before Christmas 2011, Ben called me as I was pulling out of the driveway of my home. I heard Carly saying something to him in the background, but it didn't matter--I heard what he said clearly: "Your husband has been f*cking my girlfriend."

I felt the blood drain from my head. That seemed to be the only thing I felt--the rest of me went numb. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. It was the biggest, worst shock of my life. I kept thinking, "What do I do now? What do people do when they hear this?"

Upon learning that I'd been told, my husband came home to talk to me. He was so sorry, he cried, it didn't mean anything, he didn't know why he'd done it, it'd just happened, etc. I had to ask him if he still loved me, if he wanted to stay with me--he answered yes, to both questions. Up until then, I'd felt as though my marriage was the foundation of my life. Now that foundation felt as though it was crumbling beneath me.

My reaction, for whatever reason, was bland. I didn't cry, I didn't yell, I guess I just wasn't surprised. I'd suspected something was up when he would hide his phone every time I walked behind him. I have low self-esteem--I'm overweight, and just learning how to manage myself as an introvert--so why should I be surprised he would be with someone else?

My most important, loudest thoughts were--they had unprotected sex and why did they do it a second time. She wants a baby. Thankfully (holy hell, the relief) she wasn't pregnant. But in having unprotected sex, I was now exposed to Carly's partners, including Ben, and all of his partners (and I know he's had MANY). How DARE my husband risk my health that way? Then, if they screwed once and had regret, why did they do it a second time? Were they going to keep doing it, turn it into a steady thing? Then there was the fact that she had the NERVE to whine to me about how bad her relationship was with Ben. I've felt like such a fool, such an idiot, about that.

To top things off, my husband lost his job the day after Christmas. Since I was already staying at home full time, this put us in forced proximity daily. In this case, when it pours, it hails.

We started seeing a marriage counselor. It helped for awhile, and we stopped seeing her in the summer. Then, for some reason, things started to bother me again. She recommended to me that maybe joining a group of people who've been cheated on, but stay with their partner, could help. Talking to other people who've gone through the same thing. So here I am.

I still have anger issues when I think of Carly, of the terrible person she's shown herself to be. I'm sure a lot of people would say "she just made bad decisions" but to me, she's the scum of the earth. If I ever saw her in person, I fear I'd make a scene.

Then there's the fact that, for whatever reason, I place more blame with her than with my husband. I don't know why. The friend & family that knows have told me time and again that I'm such a strong person for trying to stay, trying to make it work. I can only think of a line in a movie--something like "we've built this life together and I've chosen to forgive him for the one mistake he made and love him for the rest of the things he's done right"

 

I'm terribly sorry it's such a long post. I wanted to get it all out, tell the whole story for once. And since it's the time of year that it all spun out last year, I'm having a hard time with it again.

 

A

[veryhappy]

Then there's the fact that, for whatever reason, I place more blame with her than with my husband. I don't know why.

 

It's your mind helping you stay in your marriage. If you blamed him more, you'd have to do something with that, and it would threaten your commitment to the M. It's also helpful that you've never liked her anyway.

 

Partners that are with someone and they've been the first to that someone shouldn't mess around. It adds an extra layer of betrayal. Not only did your H did that to you, he also betrayed his best friend (or one of his best friends).

[BetrayedH]

Your H and Carly are equal partners in crime. In actuality, it's your H that made vows to you. You should certainly be more upset with him. Why aren't you? Because (as another poster said), you have a motivation to forgive your H. But you have no motivation whatsoever to forgive the OW. In fact, being upset with her distracts your mind from being upset with your H. It's a defense meachanism and one you should work through.

 

I'm inclined to spew all kinds of advice but I'm not sure what question you have. If you had to specify, what kind of advice (if any) do you think you need?

[AJT]

I guess at this point, I'm really just wondering how other betrayed partners, who've chosen to stay with a cheater, deal with the feelings?

Of the people you've shared with, how many pass judgment on you for staying, and how do you deal with that?

Somehow, after all this twisted crap, Ben still talks to my husband. Although he spoke of suicide again after he initially found out, he calmed down and evetually started talking to my husband again after a few weeks. I want to ask my husband to stop, I don't want him to have anything to do with Ben's messed up life, but Ben is essentially the only friend my husband has felt kinship with in years. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation (friendship continuing)?

Do things get easier as time passes? I'm currently experiencing the "first year since" stuff, so I'm really hoping stronger emotions will taper off after the holidays.

How many people actually stay with their cheating partner? I really hope I'm not the only one who thinks a long term relationship is worth working for even if one partner really, really messes up.

[Mr. Lucky]

How many people actually stay with their cheating partner? I really hope I'm not the only one who thinks a long term relationship is worth working for even if one partner really, really messes up.

Based on the stories here, most married couples at least attempt reconciliation after an affair. I certainly tried. The percentage that walk out the door on D-day is small.

Do things get easier as time passes?

Only for those couples where both the WS and BS are willing to do the hard work. And since your husband isn't willing to do the first step, which would be to remove himself from the environment and relationships that were part of the affair, I don't like your chances. At this point it's simply going to depend on your tolerance for pain ...

 

Mr. Lucky