Why do i feel guilty?

[sadpanda87]

just gotten out of a break up, was five years and quite serious... still not over it

 

anyhow went to another town for work, met this cute girl and hit it off quite nicely... she ended up staying in my hotel room for the duration i was there

 

thought it was a one night thing, well, a few nights. anyway we've been in touch still and seems like she wants more out of it. i've told her i cant handle a relationship atm and she said she can wait.

 

now i like her, but i dont see myself being WITH her. sure the sex is awesome but i just dont feel i can sustain a relationship with her. im not sure if its anyone in general or i just dont feel that way about her.

 

i feel like i might be misleading her if i see her again, even though i've told her all there is to know and that i cant commit to her.

 

any comments or suggestions would be helpful, thanks.

[clia]

If you've clearly told her you cannot commit to her and that you don't want a relationship, you are not misleading her. And by told her, I mean said the exact words "I do not want a relationship. I do not want to commit to you. I enjoy being with you, but I am not looking for anything serious." Do not add "right now" to these statements. (She will read into it that you might want something in the future -- do not even leave that door open.)

 

Whether she chooses to listen to you is out of your control, but if you have said the above words, you are doing nothing wrong by continuing to see her if you enjoy the sex and have fun with her. Just have fun and don't worry about it.

[DreDay]

i've told her i cant handle a relationship atm and she said she can wait.

 

 

Personally, I don't think you have to feel guilty. All you can ever be in any sort of relationship (casual and serious) is honest... and in my eyes you've done that.

 

I appreciate that you said that you cant see yourself with her, but that's probably cos your still not over your last relationship. So I'd wait before your fully over your last relationship before you tell her that you don't see yourself with her. Things could change!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Your responsibility is basically to be honest with her completely about where you are at and how you feel.

 

Tell her you just got out a relationship that you're still not over it, and the timing is bad. You still have a lot of self work today to resolve your emotions.

 

Now here's the hard part for men to say...tell her that she's just a rebound, and that you're not interested in a relationship with her now or in the future...period.

 

Now if you can say you'll be part of the .01 percent of men who can actually be honest with how they feel and where they will be at.

 

But lets say you continue to see her and have sex with her every once in a while, talking to her about the horrible breakup and all that jazz and she starts to like you anyway and you end up getting close and all that.

 

Everything you said before doesn't matter. Because she's going to interpret every move and every word that can be taken as a sign of progression if she starts developing strong feelings for you...which is likely, it's and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

So you have nothing to feel guilty about necessarily unless you know you're twisting or omitting the truth on things to manipulate the situation and get what you want out of this circumstance.

 

You're not going to be responsible for her feelings, but you also need to recognize that if you continue with this woman and she thinks there's chemistry and the famous ole "potential" between the two of you, then she's going to have a one-track mind and if you're expecting her to listen to your words over your actions then the jokes on you...and she'll interpret your sentiments as you needing her or becoming dependent on her and developing a closer relationship with her, then she'll forget all the rules (not that she'll care about those but she'll at least be aware somewhat in the beginning) and the only rule will be to get what she wants and try and get you into a relationship, because emotionally that's what she will want and unless she has great self-control (which many will say so) she will likely be overcome by emotion if you keep pushing her buttons and you'll find yourself in a situation you don't really want to be in.

 

So weigh in your options, she's obviously giving you the green light on things because she sees opportunity here and doesn't want this thing to end just yet...do you want to get over your ex and move on emotionally? or do you just want to keep hurting women during the interim before facing your demons?

 

Any woman you sleep with on a regular basis has the potential to get hurt by you, unless she's really not interested in you all that much or has her own issues with commitment and even then. But chances are, you're going to end up with the kind of girl that's interested in unavailable men and doesn't know how or when to quit, so you're going to be the next guy on her hit list that she can perpetuate her own issues with, and then of course she will blame you for it.

 

If she had any sense, she would walk away...but you're not ultimately going to be able to give her what she wants or needs, and deep inside, she already knows and expects that.

 

I think you're going to cave because you're emotionally vulnerable and twisted up in a thousand knots, and she sees an opportunity and potential that she's not going to back away from...even if it's not going to do her any good and I know you don't see this girl as relationship material, she's just merely a distraction from the emotional breakdown you're going through and it's going to feel good to be with someone else, something that reminds you of what you have and missed with your ex.

[sadpanda87]

seems like a lose lose situation... im in very bad shape and the company is helping, although probably not a stable solution but it does help take my mind off things. it was a very, very bad break up from the girl i was getting ready to marry.