My Fiance is Insecure and has angre issues, how do I deal with it?

[confused1983]

My fiance is very insecure, he is hearing impaired and was bullied a lot as a child because he wears hearing aids. He has low self confidence and insecurities. He is 26 and nobody gives him any grief for his hearing now, he is quite well built!

Anyway, since living together for the last year and a half he seems to want all my time. He doesnt like it when I see my friends, and as a result my social life has become non-existent. He would always say 'but its time that I could be spending with you' if I asked to stay over at a friends house because she had cooked dinner and bought a few bottles of wine, he would say "why? staying at your friends house is weird, you have a partner, so you should come home and spend the night with me."

Trying to make him feel more comfortable with my friends (he doesnt have any, and says even if he did he would rather be with me anyway). I invited him out with me and my best friend for some drinks. We got home, and my friend and I played on the wii, he laid on the sofa not wanting to get involved, just scowling. He got up after 20 minutes and stormed out of the house saying he was going for a walk. He called me and an argument kicked off, he called me and my friend - who was still there with me, lesbians because I kissed her cheek and she looked an my chest and went "boobies" (not that any cleavage was on show). He then said he was going to sleep the night at work, I said no need Im going to my friends house in a taxi so he could stay at the house. He said no, no no, I'm going to smash my phone so you wont be able to get hold of me. shortly after he turned up on the door step crying and hysterical. I managed to coax him inside the house, he was saying sorry over and over again, hyperventilating. Eventually after an hour or so of reassuring him and calming him down I got him up to bed and he went to sleep.

 

Halloween - went out with my sister, her husband and my partner. My sister and I got our costumes on and met the boys at the pub. When we got there he looked at my costume and said it wasn't appropriate for going out in because my cleavage was visable. He took me to one side away from everybody about an hour later and carried on saying how he disagreed with what I was wearing, people will think I'm single if I go out dressed 'like that'. I'm 29 and do not dress like a slapper the outfit was on the sexy side but not indecent. My sister interrupted and the group carried on chatting. Then an hour later he starts again, saying that one of the guys in there looked at me. It got so bad he was thrown out, he tried to come back in shouting and was literally dragged out. We all left afterwards, he was shouting at me in the street and was so angry that he was shaking, it was pretty scary. I stayed at my sisters and he went home (we live across the street). My sister went to my house and talked to him for hours, she told me in the morning that she thinks he is stressed and depressed because of work, I thought this was possible because he is under a lot of pressure. My sister told me that he was crying and very very unhappy. I went over and said things were ok, we would work through it all together. We went to the doctor and he was signed off with work related stress. The two weeks off, he was fine, a bit low at times but ok and he relaxed after a few days and we were getting on brilliantly.

 

Then at the end of the second week it was my friends birthday - the same friend we went out with the first time it kicked off. This was the worst yet. The usual shouting and me ending up crying. I went outside for a ciggie and told my friends bf to let my partner know where I was - he was at the bar amongst a sea of people. I came back in and he siad "where the hell have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you, waiting outside the womens loos like a spare part" I apologised and said that I told my friends bf to let him know where I was. He started shouting 'well he didnt tell me, nobody told me anything' and stormed off. My friends brother came over to say hello, as havent seen him for a while but known him for 18 years. My partner came over and stood inbetween us, the brother put his hand out to introduce himself, I said this is my friends brother, and my partner just glared at him and walked away. Everyone else was dancing, but I stayed satdown because I didnt want another argument. We all left at the same time, to go somewhere else, but my partner was yelling at me outside again. The boys were telling him to go home, I told him to go. He eventually walked away but then came back for me, I left because I was worried he would try to drive home instead of leaving our car there over night and getting a taxi. Argument carried on in the taxi and at home. I found out frome my friend a few days ago (a couple of weeks after that night), that at one point he had grabbed her arms and shook her. She had bruises the next morning.

 

His work sent him for angre management a few years ago, I wonder if this would help him now, I dont know how long he went for, or if he really worked at it last time. Ive suggested counselling for both of us to go together and he wont go. He agreed once and said we'd go the following month when we had more money to pay for it. Then because we'd been getting on better, not bickering. He said we dont need to go.

 

He is the hardest and the easiest person to love. He is kind, caring, thoughtful and loving the rest of the time. But I have my doubts. He will say things like 'go out with your friend, don't worry about me, I'll just go to bed early' or that he'll go for a walk round town. I've said that I feel he manipulates me emotionally, and he said he isnt the mastermind I think he is and would never make me feel guilty on purpose. He says that he worries for my safety when I am out and wants me to come home because he will know I am ok. But I hardly ever go out, to do anything, meet a friend for a coffee, dare I suggest a night out with a friend in bars or a club, he gets arsey and says its not enough notice, he needs time to get his head round it, or to plan to do something, but he has no friends to go out with, I suggest my brother in law, and he says no.

 

If he is depressed, and stressed then I want to help him, but he has to work with me. On the other hand I've put up with his querks about me goiung out and having time away from him for as long as we have lived together, and now the angre is worrying me. If I walk away I feel like I would be abandoning him.

[britnee13]

Well, it sounds like you are dealing with a man similar to mine, yet different at the same time. My ex as of yesterday he was my fiance, didnt want want me to go do anything but yet its okay for him to go do things, so thats the difference between them. I would definately suggest counseling. Counseling for his anger (by himself) couples counseling (together) to learn the right way to deal with his anger when it arises. Understanding the root of the problem could help you out a lot. Was he cheated on in a previous relationship? I know he was teased as a child so that contributed to his insecurity. Sounds like he is codependant...which can make him be emotionally abusive towards you. Most people, even if insecure, will be able to go out and enjoy time with their partners friends because they are spending time with their partner, but the fact that even when he goes out with you and your friends and does not make an attempt to have a good time is a problem. I could understand if he is insecure it would bother him for you to go out to the bars without him, which I am not saying is not a good thing, but it is even worse that he cant go out WITH YOU and have a good time. He definately needs some counseling. It sounds like you are a great girl...who just wants to be able to go and enjoy time with your friends & he is forcing you to not do that. You cant even go have coffee with them in the morning? Not good. I have been cheated on several times, so I was insecure with my ex sometimes, but even after he cheated on me 5 to 6 times, I still would let him go do things with his friends. I even let him go play poker at a bar where a girl works that he cheated on me with! So...the thing is... he needs to loosen up a little bit and allow you to breath. Otherwise, he is going to smother you to the point where you dont want to be with him. I would have a talk with him. As a person who has been insecure before, I can tell you, all I needed was re-assurance from time to time. Let him know that you love him, you would never hurt him & you will do almost anything to make him happy. Try to do this on a daily basis until he feels more comfortable. Even tell him, if he wants, he can check to see if you are where you say you are (even though he probably wont, if you reassure him that he can it might help) If counseling...plus reassuring him on a daily basis does not start to help...then it might be time to end the relationship. You should be able to have friend time once or twice a week, then the rest of the time is all his. If things dont change, He will start to bring you down...you will be left with no friends ( i know this because my ex wouldnt let me see my friends, so I have lost a lot of them!) Keep your head up, try some of these things...maybe it will get better! Dont let him affect YOUR confidence with his insecurites. I hope this helps somewhat.

[clia]

If he is depressed, and stressed then I want to help him, but he has to work with me. On the other hand I've put up with his querks about me goiung out and having time away from him for as long as we have lived together, and now the angre is worrying me. If I walk away I feel like I would be abandoning him.

 

I can't imagine committing the rest of my life to a man like the one you described in your post. It sounds miserable, and it won't get better. If anything, it will get worse -- the anger issues, the complaints about what you wear, the complaints about your time with friends, the jealousy, etc. I mean, he's acting like this before there is a piece of paper binding you together for life -- what is it going to be like once it isn't so easy for you to leave? His shaking your friend and causing bruises is extremely concerning. Has he ever been violent with you? His lack of friends is strange. How does one get to be 26 years old and have no friends at all? Doesn't that tell you anything?

 

You have to put yourself first, and you should very seriously think about whether you want to spend the next 40 plus years living like this with him. I know you may love this guy, but you don't owe him anything.

[confused1983]

Thank you both for your responses. He has not been violent with me, and I don't think he would be, but then I also didnt think he would be violent with any woman, let alone my best friend. He was devastated to learn what happened - he was drunk and didnt remember doing it. But then again how do I know that is the case and not just a convenient memory loss.

 

Growing up he had some friends, but when he moved away from his home town they lost touch and their lives went different ways. He told me the friends he did have in the town we live were lost when he and his ex split up. Ironically he told me she would not let him go see his friends.

 

We were out t the weekend with his parents, some lads stumbled into the pub, one a bit worse for ware and spilled a drink on his dad. The other lad apologised. When they left they said goodbye to us, and because one of them looked at me when he said goodbye, my other half shot him a look that could kill. His Dad saw this and told him to chill out. I just wish he would. I asked his mum how I could help him control his anger and she said remove him from the situation which is making him feel that way. That doesnt give me much option, so if we are out that means we have to go home, or if its because I want to see a friend it means I dont see them?? He has been better this past week, apart from the weekend, I have seen the same friend whos birthday it was twice. The first time he did get cross when I came back - worried about what she had told me and that she would turn me against him but the other evening it was fine, and he didnt say anything.

 

I do love him, I know how kind he can be, and is most of the time, he always puts me first and would do anything for me. I know he does not like the idea of counselling, but how do I make him realise that he needs to go? He says he wont pour his heart out to a stranger, and is worried that if he went theyd sit him down and tell him that he is wrong and that its his fault etc. I reassure him all the time, on a daily basis, I tell him how much I love him, that we will get through this together, he can rely on me and I will be there for him. It just never seems to get through. What else can I say to show him how sincere I am?

[confused1983]

Please if anyone is able to give me some advice on how to help my fiance realise that he would benefit from counselling and/or anger management? I think it would really help him, and us if his jealousy and insecurities were addressed. But when I mention counselling he gets defensive and says he doesnt want to go, and the counsellor will blame him for all our problems. I've tried to be diplomatic and say it's not his fault if things in his childhood or last relationship have made him insecure, but if he resolves his issues he will be happier.

 

I'm getting desperate now, because I fight to hold in a scream everytime he askes me "are you ok with me" or "whats wrong, you're funny with me". Last night I was literally exhausted after laying awake most of the night thinking about our relationship, and I reassured him that nothing was the matter, I was just tired. But he kept on "whats wrong....whats wrong" I said darling, Im just tired, dont worry but just let me be tired. He was jittery and on egg shells all night. Please help!! Very soon there will be a brick wall with a dent in it from where I have been banging my head! At least I still have a sense of humour, its either that or cry!

[jgaz3124]

I feel like he needs to love himself before he can love you. He needs to make the decision to go to therapy no one can force him, however you can control your actions and leave the situation as it will not get better until he realizes there is a problem. He doesn't want to go to Therapy because it will mean he has to face the truth. By the way it is not your responsibility to get him out of a bad situation he needs to learn coping skills to calm himself down. Focus on yourself and the answer of how you really feel will come to you.

[alexandria35]

This is only going to get worse for you. This man is controlling and abusive, right now it's emotional and mental abuse but I wouldn't be surprised if it became physical at some point. Even if it never does become physical he will still suck the life right out of you and one day you will wonder where the happy carefree girl you used to be went.

 

You are behaving codependantly in this relationship. You are here asking for help in changing a man who clearly doesn't want to change. Oh I'm sure he's good at the apologies and telling you sad stories from his childhood when you're pissed at him and he senses that he might lose you, but other than that he really isn't doing anything about his issues now is he?

 

You are drawn to the side of him that is kind, affectionate and loving. I get that but did you know that almost every abusive man has a wonderful side too. That's why women fall in love with them and stay with them even after they have experienced the abuse. Pretty much every abused woman can give you a long list of good qualities about her abuser. Also abusive men are usually not evil angry monsters most of the time. Most have a sad story from their childhood which led to them becoming the way they are. So the women who love them see the sad damaged little boy in them and it tugs on their heartstrings. These women feel like it's their duty to rescue and help their abuser. A codependant woman can become almost narcissitic in her mistaken belief that she is the only one on the planet who can understand and help her abusive man. That's because abusive men also tend to be incredibly emotionally needy. They demand all of your attention all of the time and if they don't get it they get angry, moody and sullen. Much like your bf does everytime you try to have fun with anyone else, even your girl friends. The thing is that you and your behavior has absolutely nothing to do with him and how he behaves. If you disappeared tomorrow and another woman stepped into your place he would treat her exactly like he treats you. He would be every bit as needy and demanding with any woman he is with because it's who he is and it's all about him.

 

If he doesn't make up his mind to address his issues and get into serious counselling (he probably needs a good 2 years of therapy) then his bad behaviour is only going to get worse. It may escalate to physical violence or it may not. Even if it doesn't become physical it's going to leave you damaged and unhappy.

[confused1983]

Thank you all for your advice, but I need to ask you to read another thread of mine. I tried to break up with him this weekend. The range if emotion - he went from one extreme to the other, anger, confusion, upset, rational, irrational. How difficult it was just to have a conversation with him really shocked me.

 

Please, if you don't mind see my post in the break up forum. (I tries to break up with controlling fiance).

 

Thanks everyone. X