cheated on...off and on for 4 yrs

[britnee13]

This is long, Im sorry, but please read, I need advice!!!! I got with my ex husband about 4 years ago. Things started out good. We had so much fun together and a lot in common. 5 months into the relationship, he cheated with his ex wife who he has a child with on my b-day. Begged me back said things would change, never happen again, blah blah blah. Then he cheated on me with a NASTY girl that works at the bar, not even cute, which is gross. broke up with him, left to AZ for 2 weeks. While I was gone, he begged me back, said he couldnt live without me & asked me to marry him. I thought about it, and I loved him, he said if we were married there was no way he would cheat because it is a sacred union, things were good we got married and there was not any cheating..we moved to this small town of like 1,000 people, he wanted to open a bar/restaraunt. I helped him with everything, dedicated my life to him..but when we got there he was emotionally abusive. One day he got mad because I wanted cheese tots from Sonic, I weigh about 115 pounds. He said I was getting too fat, I got upset, so he threw food at me, when we got home he was throwing shoes and boxes at me and told me to get out. I left to go back home 3 hour drive with no money or anything, people at the gas station helped me out. 3 days after I left his ex wife went up there to see the little girl, she came back and told me that she slept with him and she felt bad. he wanted to work things out with me, but I filed for divorce..at the time he denied it. Later admitted to it. Months went by, he had dated a few girls, I dated one person..he moved back to our home town and begged me back. I got back with him, he broke up with me out of the blue one day and said he needed space but eveyrthing would be okay but he needed some time to think about things. I went to collect some of my things that afternoon and found him in bed with one of the girls he dated while we were seperated, I was so hurt, We stayed apart for 8 months, I was doing good, working from 8 am to 9 pm at night, saving money, finally got a car, not as nice as the one i had, but a car none the less (he made me sell my car when we got married and I drove one of his cars) Then he begged me back, things were good, then he met up with one of his ex's to "talk" said they didnt sleep together...i found out because she showed up at OUR house one night right in front of him and told me about it. She is 19...he is 30, and I am 25. He said that she set him up, saying she was pregnant from him but she wasnt, and thats why she wanted to talk, he said he handled it but didnt want to tell me because I would be mad that he met with her. Then 3 weeks later, he met up with his other ex girlfriend, i found out because she text him one morning "i need you today". I got mad and left and later that day texted her to ask why she was contacting him. She said that they had been friends but that he had tried to be with her, and they had met up to "talk". She said she didnt want to be with him because she had a boyfriend. He claimed that it was all her, and that she told him she was dying from uterus cancer and she wanted to meet with him to talk but nothing happened. Ive been with him for a month since then, I dont know what to believe anymore, Every day I feel suspicious of him, I worry and I am sad when I am not around him because I think he might meet up with someone. I hate feeling this way. I love him very much because we get along so great besides the cheating. I left him last night, there was a new girls number in his phone, he denies that he talked to her but I saw that he answered it because it wasnt a missed call, says he swears nothing is going on. I found out yesterday that he lied about where he went to lunch, because I went it to the restaraunt and he was sitting with his friend having lunch, after he told me someone was bringing them food at work. I know that he wasnt lying because he was with a girl, but he was still lying. I left yesterday because I am tired of the lying, it makes me think he would lie about anything. We argued at the house before I left and he took off and went to the bar. He text me all evening, but in the middle of the night he text me saying he was too drunk and staying at his friends. I think he was probably with a girl already. He always says I am the love of his life and he wont cheat again...but all of this has happened. Do you guys think I made the right decision leaving..I know he will be sorry and try to get me back, I need to be strong and not take him back right? We have been to counseling the last few months, he changed his number so no girls have it, but I think he will never change. What do you guys think? I am making the right choice right? I love him soo much, but I can not handle the lies and cheating and thinking he might cheat again. Im heart broken, but I think I am chosing wisely. What do you think???

[geegirl]

I couldn't read the whole post because after losing count of how many times he cheated and how many times you disrespected yourself by going back to him, it would be safe to say that you are choosing wisely.

 

I would suggest you seek some counseling because it is pretty clear that you lack self-esteem and see no value in yourself as you believe you are deserving of such treatment.

 

Yes, he will come back because everytime he has cheated, you have taken him back, in that sense you have taught him that you condone cheating and that his behavior is tolerated. You have also taught him that you have no self-worth and no matter how badly he treats you, you will always accept little to nothing.

 

This isn't love. It's a toxic attachment. Both of you are unhealthy. I can bet my bottom dollar, there will come a day when you're detached and unemotional about this bum and you'll whack yourself across the head for staying because of "love".

 

You've been diminished for so long, you don't and cannot identify what love means. Love nourishes you. It's kind, caring and loving. It's trusting and loyal. It's compassionate. It's time you try and think outside your emotional state and start tapping into reality.

 

You're no different from a battered woman getting a smack then justifying it as love. My mother was the same. My dad would cheat but she would declare love because he always came back to her. My dad would hit her and she would say he's just stressed and that he still loves her when he would come running back.

 

Wake up. You're 25. Stop wasting years on nothing.

Edited November 30, 2012 by geegirl

[britnee13]

You are right and I know this. The thing is...I have had half of my brain telling me exactly what you just said since the first time he cheated, I have battled with my own self on this issue. I told myself you dumb dumb girl, stay away from him. Then there is the other part of my brain that has thought that it is possible for him to change...I guess your right about it not being love, at least, not from him. I have become unhealthy because of this relationship. I guess its time for me to kick the other half of my brain every time I think there is a possiblity for change. I have been going to counseling...the counselor could understand why I cared for him, but also told me its a destructive relationship and that I am addicted to the drama of it. If you knew me...you would understand that I am a nice, fun girl, who tries to see this best in people (gets me in trouble) I am smart (just not when it comes to him) but I am trying to change that. I guess that is why I am FINALLY talking about it. I just needed someone to reinforce what the GOOD side of my brain has been telling me all along...that I am stupid for being with him...and wasting my time. He even has my mother and friends so charmed that they have always thought he could change too..so that is why I am seeking advice from outside sources. We saw the counselor together that I am seeing now, I think he even had her partially convinced that he could change, but I think now she is starting to see through it. Thank you for your straight up advice..I know what I need to do...I made the right choice. I just got a phone call from his friend 5 minutes ago, saying that he wants me to go to lunch with him, I know he wants to try and convince me to take back my ex, his friend said that he said that he loves me and he has been faithful to me lately but wants to talk to me about all of it. Its REDICULOUS...i would never have my friend call my ex to try and smooth things over. CONTROLL FREAK!!!! thats all I can say. Again, thank you though, I think I needed to hear that, I am glad I wrote on this website because i live in a small town and everyone gives me BAD advice!

[StarsOnFire]

You deserve better. Stop the cycle now. He has destroyed your trust, and a relationship where you're constantly worried about cheating is a horrible one to be in. Don't go back to him, he has proved he cannot be faithful to you.

[geegirl]

Well, your choices are emotionally driven. It's your heart that keeps going back, not your brain.

 

Change. Is there anything about his pattern and consistent cheating that is even remotely pointing to change? Four years? Would you like to invest another four in hoping that change may come?

 

Nice, fun and smart girls do get into toxic relationships because while they have all those wonderful attributes, they still lack self-esteem. You may be mentally smart, but emotionally you have a lot of work to do.

 

Please, you are only 25. Stop wasting your time investing in a man that cannot provide you with a healthy and nurturing relationship. There is no love, in the right sense, when someone has treated you this way.

 

Of course his friend is going to call you. Of course everyone that he's been able to charm is going to like him. The thing is, they're not the ones affected by his actions. You are. They haven't spent four years on a cheater. You have. When all else fails you, listen to your instincts. Think with your brain.

 

Take a minute to write down a list of how you envision a relationship with a man that loves you. Envision how he would treat you, care for you and love you. Envision all the qualities you seek in a healthy partner. Now, check it against what you currently have. I bet you fall very short of what you know you truly deserve.

 

Please be strong. I've been with cheaters. If anything, they can talk the talk. It's part of a cheater's persona.

Edited November 30, 2012 by geegirl

[britnee13]

Thank you Stars On Fire and Gee Girl for your responses.

@ Stars on Fire : It is true, the most horrible thing in the world is being with someone and constantly looking over your shoulder all the time, or not being able to concentrate at work because I would worry that he was meeting up with someone. (the times he did go meet up with those girls, it was during the day while I was working) I realize now that is not the life I want to live & even though right now it feels like I dont want anyone else, I know that its just not possible to be with him & some day I will find someone that will make me feel so good that I will wonder why I ever worried about this relationship. In a perfect world, I would snap my fingers and this guy would be everything I wanted, but life dosnt work like that.

 

@Geegirl You are so right & so smart! I am sure you have learned all of this from being in the same kind of situation. I have made the list before & he doesnt fit about 1/2 of the things I want. Because my list includes these attributes: Honesty, Loyalty/Trust, Respect, Compassion, Affectionate, Smart, Goal Oriented, Attractive, Wants children, Likes to Travel, Enjoys the outdoors, & dosnt have to go out to the bar every single weekend in order to have fun. I like to stay home and hang out, watch movies and relax from time to time. Not only is my ex a cheater, but he also likes to drink alchohol on a daily basis. I know, I know...the plot thickens. He is addicted to sex and if I dont perform on a daily basis, then i am put down for that also. I like to drink from time to time, but he drinks anywhere from 3 to 5 small glasses of rum and diet coke per day. On weekends...that can be anywhere from 5 to 10. He thinks he is not an alchoholic. So....you are right....I have been dumb for being with him, atleast emotionally dumb because I knew all of these things and took him back. I am learning that people have to want to change on their own, not because if they dont change you wont be with them, & you are right, the pattern of four years shows there is no change in the future. I am going to listen to my brain and not my heart, I am going to stay strong and stay away. Its sad to say but it almost has to be like he is dead to me...i need to mourn the loss a little, accept the pain, in the past I have been so hurt that i think the only way to take that hurt away is to be with him, but the fact of the matter is that it hurts me more to be with him because I will spend the rest of my time with him being untrusting and insecure, and it makes me look and feel week. I do have a lot of work to do emotionally, I dont want to carry this baggage into a potentially good relationship in the future. Thank you for your response You have helped me validate what I thought I already knew.

[geegirl]

I am going to stay strong and stay away. Its sad to say but it almost has to be like he is dead to me...i need to mourn the loss a little, accept the pain, in the past I have been so hurt that i think the only way to take that hurt away is to be with him, but the fact of the matter is that it hurts me more to be with him because I will spend the rest of my time with him being untrusting and insecure, and it makes me look and feel week. I do have a lot of work to do emotionally, I dont want to carry this baggage into a potentially good relationship in the future. Thank you for your response You have helped me validate what I thought I already knew.

 

Whenever you feel you want to go back to him, remind yourself that he is your source of pain. He cannot comfort your hurt because he is what is causing it. No matter how much it hurts, let that pain come to you, feel it and in time it will pass. The only way to get past it is to go through it.

 

Britnee, you sound like a lovely woman. Give yourself a chance. As painful as it is, this pain is temporary. Soon you will come out of this and move on. But if you keep going back to him, it will keep you stuck in an indefinite cycle of pain.

 

You owe yourself the possibility of a better and brighter future. Set goals for yourself. Achieve them. Find a new therapist, one that hasn't been tainted by your ex. Get to the gym. Take a class. Go and volunteer for the less fortunate. Think about boundaries, what you will and WILL NOT accept. Find ways to reinvent yourself. Find Britnee. Time to build your self-esteem and focus on loving you.

[britnee13]

gosh, GeeGirl....you should be a counselor! Your advice makes so much sense! I think I have got more out of your few posts than I have gotten out of my last month of counseling! lol.... I think it is true that I have lost myself..and I need to find ME. I lost myself because I have spent the last four years putting off my college because I worked for him, I cooked, cleaned (everything had to be perfectly clean, felt like i was in the army at some points), i took care of his daughter, i took her to school, watched her while he went out with friends, I was his sex slave, I was faithful...basically did everything for him. Looking back on it now, I think he wanted someone to take care of everything for him at home but he wanted to have this double life. I know the other girls didnt mean anything to him other than sex/fantasy/frienship or maybe validation for his own insecurities...I just dont understand what his problem is, he comes from a GREAT family, parents are still married after 45 years, who knows & who cares because its not my problem anymore. Its all making sense to me now that I am looking at it from a different perspective. There was no respect...a real man would have appreciated everything i did and would not hurt me like that at all....wether I do a whole lot for a man or not....the right one would not betray me like that! You made a light turn on in my head! The pain I am feeling is because I somehow became addicted to the pain that he inflicted on me, maybe I thought if I changed him I won...so I was addicted to the chase. I will no longer be a victim of these games. I will do what you said..start setting goals that are MY goals...work out daily eat right and build my confidence up again...find peace...start doing things that interest ME...and set boundaries for myself. You are totally right, its time to reinvent myself! THANK YOU GEEGIRL! You are awesome!

[2sunny]

Decide what your healthy boundary is! Stick with that decision!

 

For me - i would never put up with any of the drama he brings.

[britnee13]

I always grew up thinking I would never put up with this kind of behavior, I really dont know why things got so far and so out of hand. Well I kind of know why, its because I got jaded by his smooth talking all of the time and I let my intelligence be overruled by my emotions....but yes 2sunny..Thats what I have to do, stick with healthy boundaries and dont look back. thank you for your input, i appreciate everyones advice and taking the time to listen to my story, it makes me feel good that people care! & want to influence me in the right direction!

[geegirl]

I can relate to you because I had my share of cheaters. The thing is we forget ourselves when we are with these type of men. It's easy to manipulate someone that has no sense of self. Guys like him can smell you a mile away. Because you lack self-esteem, you begin to mold yourself into what you believe your ex wants you to be. You reconstruct yourself into being an extension of him because you want his love and acceptance. Forget about loving yourself. He comes first. If you have to twist yourself into a pretzel, you'll do it so that he'll validate your worth.

 

You lost yourself in the relationship. Time to get out and start getting back to Britnee, the woman that was before this man came along.

 

Stick to the plan! You are going to do great! Come here whenever you feel weak or unsure. Seek advice before you react. Number one rule - NO REACTING ON YOUR EMOTIONS. The heart cannot make wise decisions when in pain.

 

Aim higher! Seek better!

[2sunny]

I always grew up thinking I would never put up with this kind of behavior, I really dont know why things got so far and so out of hand. Well I kind of know why, its because I got jaded by his smooth talking all of the time and I let my intelligence be overruled by my emotions....but yes 2sunny..Thats what I have to do, stick with healthy boundaries and dont look back. thank you for your input, i appreciate everyones advice and taking the time to listen to my story, it makes me feel good that people care! & want to influence me in the right direction!

 

Soooo, what exactly does your boundary look like?

 

You need to describe it so you don't allow others to cross that boundary.

 

And you need to know what happens if and when they cross it - because they will!

 

What words and cations do you plan to say and do to enforce your healthy boundary?

 

What will you do to bump them back to their side of the street when they try to dump their crap on your side?

[britnee13]

@Geegirl.... I think I will make this website something I come to daily...especially now while I am learning to be strong and independent. I have to get back to myself. Thank you for your support I will remember NO REACTING ON EMOTIONS...i will keep remindind myself of this every time something happens.

 

@2Sunny

My plan is to first pray for God to give me strength to move forward & set goals for myself &....my near future..acheivable goals. Then, I am not going to jump into a relationship with anyone else right now..I think it is wise that I dont date until I find myself again...& deal with my emotional issues that have been a result of this relationship with counseling & praying/growing with God since I am a believer. Spend more time with family, friends, working out..painting, drawing...getting back to myself. That is my first set of healthy boundaries for my own self. Plus a few other things to better myself that Im sure I am forgetting to mention. My boundaries for a relationship in the future? 1. Be someones FRIEND first, get to know them, their dreams and goals, how they treat their mother, how they interact with people, etc. Explain to them my goals dreams and so on....tell them that i will not faulter on any of my goals to meet theirs....make sure our goals and day to day life match up (if all of those things are good) then on to step 2. Date them....not seriously...just hang out 1 or 2 times a week, if that. 3. Continue to date for a while....it takes a long time for people to show their true colors. See if there are any red flags or changes in behavior, if there are, break it off while its not serious. 4. After a long time, reveiw how they make me feel...good? bad? in between? am I settling? Are they everything on my list? Compassionate, loyal caring etc? if so...then consider taking the next step and go from there.... mainly they will have to meet my criteria..if they do not, i will be straight up with them, and inform them that I dont see this relationship headed in the direction I want, they will also have to accept me for me, not try to change me into what they want me to be....I am not settling in the future, I am sure of that! I want a GOOD life, a healthy relationship, a happy and caring and fun relationship. Most importantly...my main goal as of now, is to be happy BY MYSELF...im not too interested in relationships at this point because I am so exhausted from this one, I am my priority now. Not to be selfish, but I think I deserve that! what do you think?

[MAD]

By all means DO NOT take him back open your front door look outside .Ok you see what I hope you see a curb kick him to it .For real girl you have done more harm to yourself than you deserve.I no from exp I'm going thru this with my wife bow Had men in our ho@e while I was working 60 plus hr a week.The life you wish to live will only be that a wish this guy same as my wife lack respect for spouse you can not go around. And play with someones life.So put anyrhing he tells you out with yhe trash and be come strong and find yourself no one deals with these things without losing yourself along ehe way it happens NOT YOUR FAULT.I know one thing that I'm sure we we will share we will never cheat we no the pain .Really who dows that hello get a divorce first .**** she could have divorced me because of the color of my boxers anything better than the cheaters put us threw.Get to no yourself again don't force anymore smiles thru your day make them real once more ok girl be good .