Stringfellow Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 I had been dating a gal for 7 months, when we first started dating she told me that her first marriage ended becasue she was having an affair. Her marriage ended and the affair lasted another year. She was dumped by the man she was having an affair with wh she still works with even today and within 1 months time after being dumped she was married to a completely new man. That marriage lasted 5 yrs. she said all he did was yell at her so that marriage ended as well. We had been dating for 5 months and all was going extremely well when I asked her to marry me, she said yes and then 2 days later she came back to say no, her reasone she gave was that she said yes becasue she wanted me to feel good while she was out of town on business. She played with my emotions so badly. The relationship continued and I was feeling insecure with it, we were seeing each other pretty close to daily, and about a month after that she said to me the she loved me but she now only wanted to see me on the weekends, I tried for a compromise of one day during the week but was turned down and she said that she wanted the cake and wanted to eat it to. Now I really was feeling insecure. Her Brother in law is a drug addict and alcoholic, I suggested to the family intervention after he crashed his truck through the garage door and trashed the house. I suggested that in month 5. Month 7 and he does pretty much the same thing after getting drunk and stoned and this time he ends up in jail. She was feeling sorry for him and I asked why she and the family did not listen to me 2 months ago, that maybe now he would not be sitting in jail and he would be getting the help he was needing. I then asked what else she was not listening to me on. 2 days later she broke it off with me, she said I had tried to come between her and her family, that I was too insecure and she was tired of stroking my ego. Please tell me, should I just let this go, I cant seem to stop thinking of the what if's that I should or could have done and this is driving me insane, PLEASE HELP
thecalling Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Hey man, i'm new here but share this heartache that we all feel. first of all i'd like to say that ending things was the best thing she could have done for you. it may not feel this way, but from what i can see it's true: She played with my emotions so badly. You don't go from seeing each other nearly daily to only at weekends - in the way that she did - if you love that person. And, her past affair and marriage after 1 month leads me to think she is very impulsive and not what you need. I know words can't make you see things in the right light, but hopefully this will alleviate your doubts somewhat. I also know that it wasn't your fault that the brother-in-law is in prison: he's not your responsibility, and you did try to help. I'd also like to add that all the 'what ifs' and doubts you have, whilst showing that you care and wanted the best from this relationship, are wasted on your ex. You need someone who's going to respect you, not break it off whilst taking a pot shot at your insecurity (however correct or not she was, the one for you would understand). Try not to worry about it too much, and listen to your friends - or anyone who'll listen - it's tough, i know. P.S. on a side note, i know all too well the affects that insecurity can have on a relationship. I understand the worry and fears that all you want to do is alleviate, but worrying will not make it better, and as far as i can see, your ex wasn't doing much to help your concerns from day 1. I wish my relationship was as clear-cut as you make yours sound - i know you have feelings for this girl, but you as a person do not need it at all, have faith that it will be okay
overseas2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 I just dont understand how these women operate sometimes. I have been looking for the one all my life. This woman of yours has been married 2 times going on three and she is nothing but a basket case. It just goes to prove the addage that the meaner you are to men the more they will chase after you. But sorry you wanted advice and not for me to rant and rave. This woman does not have a good track record. Two divorces.... While I believe that everyone can get divorced once and make a mistake. Two of these is just too much for my taste. Dont you think? What does two divorces say about a person actually? That they can't live with others and that they are unstable and that they make choices rather quickly (important choices) without thinking about them. As for seeing you less, I assume that is because she is busy elsewhere with others. And that is why she wants to see you less. Dont you think it a bit ridiculous that you have to argue about time you want to spend with her? Please... there are no what ifs here or anything else. DUMP HER... or else you will end up husband number 3 ... and divorce number 3. What is this woman liz taylor? Regards Overseas2004
stupidguy Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 She sounds impulsive and selfish. Reminds me of my ex. Time to move on. Feel better.
Stringfellow Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 We even went to talk to the minister of the church, he told her that she was contradicting herself by saying I love you, but I don't want to see you. She told the minister that I was to most kind, gentle, warm and caring man that she has ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. If I am all that, then why are we broke up today, if we know our partner has problems in certain areas don't we try to help them in those areas, I was even seeking counseling to help me in these areas so that I would be a better person for myself and her. When we argued we did so about the insecurities I was feeling, instead of blanketing the flames, she just threw gas on them. What I mean by this is that when we would talk at night on the phone I would tell her I love you, she would just say goodbye. Other things as well but I wont say now. So were my insecurities warranted???
thecalling Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Getting help for your insecurities is a fantastic way of helping yourself, but it doesn't necessarily make you a better person. You are who you are, and that is good enough. You may be happier in future relationships if you work on it, though, so i say get help for it if YOU want to She was playing with your emotions and most likely had her own problems which she took out on you, tageting your weakness - which is a very childish thing to do. She told the minister that I was to most kind, gentle, warm and caring man that she has ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. I feel certian that she was right in what she said, but that doesn't mean she's right for you. You can be all of these things without this woman, and in a happy relationship with someone who will love you for YOU.
Stringfellow Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 So knowing this does anyone feel that she will realize her mistake and ever call me again, I tried to treat her like a queen, hell I would have given my life for he. There were many times in the relationship that she said that she did not deserve me and that i was too good for her. Maybe I should have listened Will she ever call me as I will not call her, she dumped me, I want her to realize her mistake and want me back! I need to add this, after my X tells me she is through my friend gets involved, he says that she needs to feel the pain that she is causing me, he threatens to write a letter to her children letting them know that their Mom cheated on their Dad, ( I guess they still dont know and they are 14 and 12). I talk to him and tell him not to and I get the letter from him and tell him to NEVER get involved again. What he did was wrong and I told her I was sorry and ensured that he will never get involved again. So with this all said I wonder if i will ever get a second chance. If poeple can cheat and get second chances why cant I if I stop something from happening that could have hurt her. Does anyone think she will ever call me again?
thecalling Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Maybe she will. I hope for your sake that she doesn't, though. I know we hear what people say to us in these situations, but we don't actually HEAR it. What I mean is that she's no good for you, and she really did you a favour in breaking it off. There's nothing i can say to you to make you realise this, but maybe it will come in time... If you had a friend in a similar situation as you, what would you say to him? Carry on having your feelings hurt and wanting to be with someone who doesn't respect you? Insecurity can make you believe there is no-one else for you, or that your life depends on her 'love' in your life. Hell, this is what love does to most people, anyway. I gotta tell you to try to move on with your life, and I'm glad you said you wouldn't ring her
Stringfellow Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 So, my friend doing what he did would have no bearing on if she would ever call. Tell me, what are the chances that she will call again as I try to heal myself and move forward?
thecalling Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 i'm sorry mate, i certainly can't tell you that, i wonder if someone else can?
Stringfellow Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 What would a normal sane human being do, try again or run away!
overseas2004 Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 HELLO IS there anyone in there? She doesn't really want to be with you does she? So how can you try again? Sorry to be so rude but sometimes we all need a wake up call. Why do you want to try again with someone who says that they dont' want to be with you. And as far as all teh crap she gave to the Minister, well I tell guys that I don't like the same thing. You are so great but I am just not ready for a relationship right now. I am sure you have done it too in your dating career. So take it for what it is... a nice way to behave towards someone you dumped. And just so you don't feel bad, I will again mention this womans track record as a pretty good indicator that she isn't capable of having a relationship that lasts.
Stringfellow Posted August 11, 2004 Posted August 11, 2004 But what I dont get is why blames me that I came between her and her family, why blame me for the insecurities that she casued me to have by the proposal acceptance and then turn down, and the "I love you but only want to be with you on the weekends" Hell she made me insecure then blames me becasue i am, what gives. Then for her to say that she is tired of stroking my ego. Would a normal man feel the same as I was feeling, unknown, insecure and not too trusting?
overseas2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Yes its ok to feel the way you are feeling. You got dumped so you should feel sh***. On the other hand you shouldnt be trying to get back together with her. She doesn't really love you. She just says that to make you feel better. People do it all the time when they want to break up with someone. They say I love you but I just can't be with you. yada yada yada. It really doesn't mean anything.
Stringfellow Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Do you feel that she did treat me wrong? With the proposal turn down and the way in which she did it and then the deal with i love you but now I only want to see you on the weekends! And why keep my stuff, it means nothing to her!
overseas2004 Posted August 13, 2004 Posted August 13, 2004 I really dont know what her motivations are for some of her behavior. Hell I cant even figure out my own ex and I spent a year sleeping next to him in the same bed and sharing my daily meals with him. My ex left all his stuff over at my house and refused to pick it up. I used to think that meant he was coming back. And I used to sit for hours in my bed, letting precious days melt away, while I tried to "figure out" his motivation for doing all these things to me. So here we go. You are doing the same thing? My advice to you is to stop beating a dead horse? You will never figure out why she does the things she does? And you are most likely to twist her behavior in your favor and create false hope for yourself. What I can tell you is that her behavior indicates that she does not care about you. Period end of story. When we love someone we don't only want to see them on weekends. I told you before that when I dumped guys and I did not have the backbone to tell them the truth I tried to cut down the time we spent together. I did exactly the same thing she is doing. I know it is hard to accept. But she has a big L on her forehead that stands for Loser. She has been through 2 divorces and is on her way for magic number 3. My suggestion to you is to get out of her way. You don't need this.
Stringfellow Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 I wanted to thank all of you who have sent me emails and indicated how bad this relationship was, the way that she treated the proposal was a play on the deepest emotions a man could ever have when he cares so much for the woman that he loves that he asks her to marry him. She then says yes, and I start to tell my family and friends the (good) news only to be blind sided upon her return with no and the reason of "just to make me feel good while she was away on business" She crused me, now is the time I take my emotions back and stop letting her still control me and move on. If she ever calls again I will tell her she had her shot at a life of love and happiness and she can go find another man and play on his emotions becasue mine are no longer available to her anymore! Thanks ALL
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