bitterruin Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 My story is a bit long but I'll try to be as brief as possible so please bear with me: I was with this man for five years. We had been having problems for a long time. I moved into his house 3 years ago and we always had power issues, and whenever I said something he didn't like he would rub it in my face that I was living in his house and I need to follow his rules. I thought this would change after we moved into our dorm since we'd both have equal power. That didn't change so I said to him that I could not be in this relationship anymore and we needed a break. It took him 3 days to realize I was serious once I told him I had contacted the housing coordinator about moving out. He cried and eventually agreed we needed time off. We said we'd take a break for a few months but we wouldn't see other people. He didn't want us to disconnect but I wanted time to reconnect with old friends and family and I wanted to meet other people from the college since I had made my whole life revolve around him. I had been going to counseling for a while and realized I was too emotionally dependent on him and I wanted to break this. The first two weeks I felt so much loneliness and it was hard not to call him. He began calling me incessantly and I told him to stop because I'm trying to break our dependence in each other, but I honestly could not resist and we continued to see each other and began having sex again after that. I was now living in another room and we'd contact each other every couple of days, and meet up but usually just to watch the TV shows we enjoyed together and have sex. We agreed it was time to start going to couple's counseling after Thanksgiving break. I spent Thanksgiving with my family and slept over in his house the Friday night after. We had an appointment with a counselor for Monday, and before I gave in to having sex with him I asked him "Do you still believe we have a chance of getting back together?" He said "Of course." So I gave in and we slept together. Monday when we go to counseling together he tells me we should no longer have sex and that we're probably not getting back together. I asked if he was seeing somebody else and he denied it. After the counseling I decided to do a little snooping, which I hadn't done in a very long time, so I sign in to his facebook and see a conversation with someone else, where they are flirting. He'd just added this person a day before. They'd spent that Monday morning together and the night before stayed up until 4AM in front of the commuter's lounge talking. I look at the person's profile and learn it's a freshman, we also have the same hairstyle, the kid looks like me and was even born on my birthday! I call him and ask to have lunch with him. He agrees and we meet at the Food Court. I ask him again if he's seeing someone else and he denies it. Just because life is funny that way the kid walks right by us and sits behind him. I'm in shock and stop listening to his bull**** and tell him I know he's lying and I can prove to him that I know who it is. I say "Look behind you." And he admits they met the day before on the bus and that they're "just talking" and it's nothing serious. I already know the truth and read a comment about how he's a great kisser, so I know at least they've done that. I feel like he tossed me aside like a piece of garbage two day after sleeping together and promising we'd get back together, and for someone he'd only met the day before when we'd been together for five years. I feel angry and betrayed. We're supposed to meet up on Monday again to discuss boundaries and custody of our dog. I'm thinking I should tell him how he made me feel but I don't know if there's any point to it anymore. I'd appreciate anything people on this board have to say.
LostOne1 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I don;t know if your ex will care? My ex didn't care of much of what I had to say about my pain. She hurt me too, but she never looked at my pain once. Never said she was sorry or anything either. So my guess would be even if you tell him how he hurt you. He might not care or reply. I think it's best if you take time away for bit.
movingon12 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 The only 'benefit' of pouring your heart out about how hurt you are is if the person is going to feel guilty about it and stop doing it. You didn't say how he reacted when he realised you knew about the cheating, so I'm not sure if he was on his knees and begging for forgiveness -but I suspect he wasn't. It's hard to get across to someone how much they hurt you without appearing melodramatic, and often that just leaves the other person thinking that you're exaggerating, over-reacting and just trying to make them feel bad etc They then close up, refuse to accept or really listen to what you're saying and you get increasingly upset that they don't seem to care. If I were you, I would hold your head up high, go into counselling, say that obviously you are hurt and upset by his behaviour, you didn't think he would stoop that low, and he's clearly not the man you fell in love with. However you're grateful that you've been able to see him from his true colours now and won't be wasting anymore time on him. That will hurt him far, far more and for far, far longer than an hour of wailing and tears.
Cutiepie1976 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Pointless. He's not going to apologize or return out of guilt. You will only end up feeling even more hurt and betrayed. You've had problems for some time, so he had detached emotionally some time ago. The break-up is news to you, but not to him. Let it go. Don't fight over joint belongings. It's not worth the prolonging of your emotional pain. Trust me! Join some student groups. Volunteer. Take up an activity you've always loved, but didn't have time to do when he consumed your life. Sorry this happened to you.
Author bitterruin Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Don't know if it makes a difference but perhaps I should have added that we're a same-sex couple.
NavyAirTraffic Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Don't know if it makes a difference but perhaps I should have added that we're a same-sex couple. No, makes no difference. He already knows how you feel. You've been having sex with him, talking about getting back together and continue to make effort. He knows this and doesn't care. Any message you send him will mean less to him than it means to you. So there is no point to send him any messages. Also, this is a person who doesn't deserve another second of your time. Everything you've done is for the preservation of your relationship, and all he's done is chased younger tail. He doesn't want to be with you and that's great!! You don't want to be with someone who's so so about you, you don't persue people that don't want to be with you. Cut him off and give him exactly what he deserves from you, NOTHING! 1
Author bitterruin Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 Update: I've kept NC since we went to counseling last Monday. He tried to sit with me and a mutual friend at the Food Court on Wednesday, said he was waiting for a friend but we should sit on one of the big round tables so they can join us. We snubbed him by sitting in a two person table. Yesterday he called me, I didn't answer but he left a voicemail message. I listened to it, all he wants is to borrow one of my coats for tonight. I didn't respond, so he sent a text last night and a facebook message. This morning he's called me twice, guess he really wants that coat. I haven't responded but I'm starting to get angry. I'm not sure he realizes I'm hurt and angry after he cheated on me, or if he's just playing stupid. I'm thinking of sending him an angry message telling him to ask his new beau since "We have so much in common he might have one just like it." Not sure if worth breaking NC just so he knows I'm angry.
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