Long ago but painful today.

[analog_kid]

First off I am new to the forum community and would like to express thanks for those of you that respond with your opinions and advice – I never thought in a million years that I would have to come to grips with infidelity but I have and I am doing what I can.

 

 

First off, my wife became involved with a co-worker of hers back in 1997-98. We were married in 1996 and the marriage started off awkward because of the way we were raised (I am more silent and non-talkative and am used to going about my own business and my wife is the complete opposite – so you can see how this could be). She was not used to this and felt that things were not going well. A co-worker (whom I suspected even then but didn’t want to accuse without evidence) charmed her and one late night of working together made his move. The affair lasted close to a year and as of this point – according to her – involved nothing more than heavy kissing and a one-time grope up my wife’s shirt (by him). My wife insists nothing sexual occurred beyond that and the only locations the ‘incidents’ happened were either late nights at work or one night when she drove him home after a work party (she still stands by her testament of nothing occurring sexually even though the evidence may not seem so). I have tried to ask her ‘how many times’ did these events happen (she says likely over twenty times and initiated by him and her both over the year) but after all these years she vigorously tried to repress it all and cannot remember. The affair ended when she ‘woke up’ and told him what was going on was wrong and wanted to stop (she says he agreed and there were ‘no’ other occurrences beyond that). After that he ended up moving back home northeast. My wife left the company in 2004 after having our first child.

 

 

The whole affair came to light less than a month ago when I noticed that all her old coworkers were friends on Facebook – except him (I noticed that he tried to friend my wife and she was not accepting the request)! My suspicions arose again (avoiding him because of…???) and confronted her. She admitted the affair and provided the info that you previously read. Since the affair she has tried to forget what happened and has had a hard time providing any other info because she doesn’t remember.

 

 

Not only am I in shock and outraged but am furious with myself for not acting on my suspicions. It has been the better part of 15 years and it feels like it just happened yesterday! I know it could be worse since it was (she vehemently insists it was) non-sexual but it still feels like the worse of worse happened…I have messaged and emailed her coworker and absolutely went off on him…probably not a smart idea but I was in my ‘rage’ mode but did not ‘threaten’ him in any way.

 

 

This is a weird situation, I know, and I don’t know how to handle this especially since it happened so long ago and the worse part is she was wearing her wedding ring throughout the whole incidents (this really hurts). I have a hard time forgiving her for this even though she has opened up and is providing what answers (that she can remember). Is there a ‘statute of limitations’ on these affairs where it happened so long ago I should let it go? I don’t feel that way. Again, I appreciate your input.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for you. You feel like it was yesterday because for you it was. I am sorry to say this but your wife is more than likely is now in self-preservation mode. I doubt she is telling you the truth. It does not make sense that she was in this affair for a year where there was kissing and groping but no sex. If you believe this that I have a bridge to sell you.

 

The fact that she would engage in such actions after only a year in your marriage makes it far more likely that she had sex with him. She has lied to you for 15 years so why would you believe anything she says now?

 

You may wish to consider the following things:

1. Contact the OM and tell him that your wife confessed to having sex with him for a year and see what he says.

2. Contact the police department and schedule a polygraph which will cost you between $400 and $500.

 

I am sorry my friend but the story your wife is giving him seems very difficult to believe. I doubt a man would stay in an affair for a year with just kissing. It does not make sense and I think you must know this. I wish you luck.

[road]

Thisis 15 year old news to your WW. She has had the time to repress what has happened.

 

For you this is brand new. So your reactions are normal. Your marraige can recover from this. However it will not recover unless you get the truth.

 

Sad to say when a WW say's it was just kissing it was more. Being that they hooked up over 20 times makes it hard to believe that they just kissed and he grabbed her Boobs only once.

 

Asking the OM now what happened because you want to confirm your WW story to his hardly ever results in the truth coming out. The OM denys because he thinks that as soon as he tells you that he banged your WW ever way he could as many times as he could you may come after him. Or the OM is not afraid and will make up stuff just to torture you for his amusment.

 

The best way to get the truth is to schedule a polygraph test then tell your WW the test date.

 

Your WW will give reasons to get you to cancel.

 

Your repsonse will be those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You need to have what she said confirmed.

 

As the day of the test gets closer the WW always trickle truths some more detail, then telling that all. This is a ploy to get you to cancel the test. Don't. Tell WW still need to confirm all that has been said.

[meandmyself]

Thisis 15 year old news to your WW. She has had the time to repress what has happened.

 

For you this is brand new. So your reactions are normal. Your marraige can recover from this. However it will not recover unless you get the truth.

 

Sad to say when a WW say's it was just kissing it was more. Being that they hooked up over 20 times makes it hard to believe that they just kissed and he grabbed her Boobs only once.

 

Asking the OM now what happened because you want to confirm your WW story to his hardly ever results in the truth coming out. The OM denys because he thinks that as soon as he tells you that he banged your WW ever way he could as many times as he could you may come after him. Or the OM is not afraid and will make up stuff just to torture you for his amusment.

 

The best way to get the truth is to schedule a polygraph test then tell your WW the test date.

 

Your WW will give reasons to get you to cancel.

 

Your repsonse will be those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You need to have what she said confirmed.

 

As the day of the test gets closer the WW always trickle truths some more detail, then telling that all. This is a ploy to get you to cancel the test. Don't. Tell WW still need to confirm all that has been said.

 

For once I totally agree with Road!

 

Do as he says and don't let your wife minimize the facts because it was 15 years ago, maybe it was 15 years ago but for you all is new as it happened yesterday... Poly is the best way to go here

[Betrayed&Stayed]

AK,

 

My situation is almost identical to yours. My wife had a PA with a co-worker in 1999/2000 for 3-4 months. I didn't fine out until 2008.

 

Like your wife, my wife spent years suppressing the memories. For me, it was like it happened yesterday. The pain level is the same. The lapse of time adds some weird wrinkles in the carnage.

 

Some people need the details, some do not. I'm one that needs details. I think it is important for you know if it was sexual and to what extent. I highly doubt that your wife is being 100% honest in that regard. (A year's worth of groping and working together and no sex??)

 

Tell her that she needs to come completely clean for reconciliation to even be a possibility. Any holding back will blow up the healing. Also add that you will talk to the OM to verify her version of the story. That should be enough to have her be more honest.

 

My story is on here if you want to search it through my profile.

[standtall]

Analog..I fell for you man, and that really sucks. I don't know if i could forgive my wife if I found something like that out. Okay, now for the harsh part.

 

What your wife is doing is trickle truthing you in the misguided belief that you will not be hurt so much. What did you think this guy was doing with your wife...necking on the couch 20 different times for hours and going home with blue balls like he did in 9th grade? Grown men do not put up with that kind of slow progress unless they are very religious..which would make him less likely to cheat in itself. Also, most grown men will not provide 1 yr of emotional support to a woman unless they are getting something physical back. Face it..he screwed her six days to Sunday...most likely without protection, aaaaand she also most likely did things with him that she won't do with you....swallowed, anal sex. etc..whatever. In the end, you will never know exactly what she did with him as cheaters always lie and deceive...it is a critical part of the affair..it cannot exist without it.

 

Now, that I planted that nice visual in your head...if it wasn't already there.... So what's next? Can you get over this?

[BetrayedH]

Unless she and the OM were 12 years old at the time, they most certainly had sex. Wayward partners lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. She is simply afraid to tell the truth. We see it here all the time. As others have mentioned, she is doing what we call, "trickle truth." It's so common that we abbreviate it as TT. She knows that a physical affair will be more difficult to handle for you and so she is trying to get assuage her guilt without telling sordid details.

 

Maybe you can forgive her, maybe you can't. Here's the problem...she is currently, today, actively lying to your face.

 

Schedule the polygraph. Sounds crazy but it isn't. It's the only way to get to the truth for your own sanity. Don't ask her. Just tell her the date and time once it is scheduled. If she won't go, tell her to leave. It is up to her to rebuild trust with you. If she isn't willing to do that after 15 years of lying, she doesn't get to be with you. You don't believe her juvenile nonsensical lies. She comes entirely clean and answers all of your questions with complete honesty or she is gone. As the date comes closer, she will trickle the truth to you some more. It'll likely be that they did it "only once." More classic bull****. Keep the apppointment scheduled. The typical thing that happens is that they spill their guts on the way to the appointment in the car. Listen to her story and keep driving there. This is how it works.

 

Your other choices are to divorce or accept her bull**** lies and never truly get over any of this.

[BetrayedH]

I would just skip all the other suggestions, retain a lawyer, and file for divorce.

 

That's the only think that's going to shock your wife into reality where she might actually tell you the truth.

 

She definitely had sex with this guy many times over that year, no question about that, she was as much the aggressor if not more than he was, and she's probably cheated on you on other occasions throughout and probably before the marriage.

 

What kind of a woman cheats on her husband within a year or two of getting married? I'll tell you what kind--a complete worthless whore.

 

That affair ended because the guy had to move away, maybe he had to move away because his wife found out? You'll probably never get a straight answer on that.

 

Oh and by the way whatever else you do or don't do, you MUST get a DNA test for your child because there are very good odds it's not yours biologically.

 

Don't believe ANYTHING your wife says--she's been lying to you for your ENTIRE marriage.

 

As brutal as it is, there's a lot of truth in this post. In particular, kicking her out and filing for divorce is many times the only way to truly shake your wife out of her fog and realize that she is going to have to do some serious work to repair this marriage or you're gone.

 

One other thing I wanted to mention is that you must stop beating yourself up for not having seen this years ago. The fact is that you trusted your wife, which is exactly what you're supposed to do. Cut yourself a break. You didn't see it coming and most of the rest of us didn't either. We were manipulated and that is on the cheater, not on the trusting spouse.

[meandmyself]

I would just skip all the other suggestions, retain a lawyer, and file for divorce.

 

That's the only think that's going to shock your wife into reality where she might actually tell you the truth.

 

She definitely had sex with this guy many times over that year, no question about that, she was as much the aggressor if not more than he was, and she's probably cheated on you on other occasions throughout and probably before the marriage.

 

What kind of a woman cheats on her husband within a year or two of getting married? I'll tell you what kind--a complete worthless whore.

 

That affair ended because the guy had to move away, maybe he had to move away because his wife found out? You'll probably never get a straight answer on that.

 

Oh and by the way whatever else you do or don't do, you MUST get a DNA test for your child because there are very good odds it's not yours biologically.

 

Don't believe ANYTHING your wife says--she's been lying to you for your ENTIRE marriage.

 

Well, when I find this to be a very aggressive message contains some strong truths on it...

 

Your wife cheated on you 2 years after getting married (if she is saying the truth and it wasn't at an earlier stage).

She definitely had sex with him... be prepared because once the details beguine to come out it can be very painful process...

I don't know if I would file for divorce but I would take some time separate to think things through and to hope your wife will be willingly come clean... she has lied to you already for 15 years... That is telling you how easy she can lie.

If you have the cash, I totally would go for the polygraph... is the only way you will get the whole truth from her, and what ever she says don't let her convince you to don't do it. She will give you some details hoping you won't go to the end with the poly and you won't find the whole truth..

 

If she does not come clean, I don't think there is much hope for your marriage, she lied to you, keep lying to you and will do it in the future... is very difficult to forgive a person when keep deceiving you ...

 

Last but not least you have all the right to not trust her, if she doesn't like it she should have not cheated on you breaking all the trust you had on her, she needs to work hard to earn your trust again and if she comes clean (I hope for you she does) I would recommend you a full disclosure agreement where you get access to all her passwords, emails, telephones and else whereabouts in general, at least till you feel comfortable trusting her again...

[NervisPervis]

but after all these years she vigorously tried to repress it all and cannot remember.

 

You understand that's a lie as well, right? She remembers every minute of it.

[AbeNormal]

I deleted my original post because my pain is too great, and I started crying upon reading what I put forth. Perhaps I am just embarrassed about exposing my hurt. I wish I could just delete the post altogether, but this seems not to be an option on this site. Sorry.

Edited December 1, 2012 by AbeNormal

[road]

I deleted my original post because my pain is too great, and I started crying upon reading what I put forth. Perhaps I am just embarrassed about exposing my hurt. I wish I could just delete the post altogether, but this seems not to be an option on this site. Sorry.

 

 

You have no reason to be afraid of us. We just have been down the road ahead of you. We know where all the obstacles are. Lean on us to get you down the road.

[meandmyself]

You have no reason to be afraid of us. We just have been down the road ahead of you. We know where all the obstacles are. Lean on us to get you down the road.

 

and to recommend you to read dr. Harley's books eh Road?

 

(sorry for the joke, I know this is a serious matter, I have been down there but some times some humor can help!)

[road]

and to recommend you to read dr. Harley's books eh Road?

 

(sorry for the joke, I know this is a serious matter, I have been down there but some times some humor can help!)

 

 

I do not see the humor.

[meandmyself]

I do not see the humor.

 

You should read the Dr. Harley book about how to understand the funny part of a joke...

[analog_kid]

All of you have really helped - especially when you don't know where (or how) to turn in times like this. Here's an update and I realize I haven't posted back but I have gone to the heart of the matter and took it on myself.

 

First - my wife has pleaded (insisted) that she was 'not into it for sex but for emotional reasons.' I was raised 180 degrees differently from her. Me, one of nine kids in farming family did not have my 'ass kissed' growing up and there was not a lot of 'conversation'. Things were stern and that's the 'way it was.' My wife, on the other hand, was nurtured, cared, etc. and not saying that' 'bad' but there was alot of talking, joking etc. and you put two people together in a marriage and of course...she;s going to think 'what the hell' but I didn't understand EITHER!!!

 

She also stated the 'offender' a coworker 'started' it by kissing her in a copy room after hours while working late. She did not appreciate it and told him to stop etc. but when I attempt to 'find out' how things transpired from that she has problems remembering - and my anger intensifies. One of the most important things she wanted to press was that there was no sex, despite the magnitude of the situation. She also stated when she told the OM that she 'did not want to continue the affair' it stopped and there were never any 'relapses.' I know how easy it is to assume that there coulda/would/even SHOULDA been sex but I'm asking to all of you to keep an open mind here and don't rush to judgement. I'm still trying to sort things out and believe me, I'm not throwing any possibilities out the window. She's 'working' with me and is as absolutely hating what has happened....I'm trying to sort through this mess. Appreciate your words of HOPE!

 

I messaged the OM FROM MY WIFE's FB account because (shouldn't surprise you) the OM blocked me from contacting him on FB. I pretty much unleashed it all on him - keeping it 'legal' mind you, no life-threats - but absolutely unloaded on him and let him know I knew what happened. Of course he instantly closed any connection afterward with my wife on FB. There was one email address that my wife and coworkers used a few years back to email a condolence when one of his parents passed and she provided the address and I sent him 3-4 more additional emails (yes, I'm angry BUT keeping within the legal realms) asking what happened (was there sex? Protected or unprotected?) and unleashing more anger on him (i.e. "there are places in hell for scumbags like you" and "too shallow to get a girlfriend of your own?") and basically pressing for answers to my questions - telling him to start talking or I would disclose the events to his former coworkers who were still friends to him. Of course a week or so ago he sends me and my wife a two sentence email: "thank you for your documentation. I have forwarded them to my lawyer. If another email is sent I will contact the authorities." Apparently he really feels bad, doesn't he!!!!

 

I realize there were probably other routes I 'should' have took before contacting him. But I've also seen and felt what anger does to you and how it 'takes over.' I also feel (and my wife does) that he absolutely took the most chicken route out of this instead of owning up to it.

 

Again, play the devil's advocate on this and again, I do appreciate your comfort and wisdom. And I'm sorry to all of you that has to endure this. There are good days and bad days but there is still a wound regardless.

[Realist3]

Given the amount of time that has passed have you ever given it a thought to just letting it go?

[analog_kid]

Some cheaters have spouses who could care less about them and what they do (past or present).

 

The OP, however, seems to care a great deal . . . so the amount of time that has passed is irrelevant.

 

 

I personally would like to just forget about it and move on...but there is the principle of it all and then the fact it was not long after we were married...and most hurtful is the fact it went approximately a year. A YEAR! That is a long time. If it were a once-twice thing yes I probably would have had my say and screaming and could have let it go much easier. But a year. Even if she said "literally the devil made me do it" there's a huge block of time to come to your senses...as I said, I'm trying to question her to get an idea of the number of (I call them) "sessions" and the truthful "severity" of it (how "intimate"). But she persists in saying she cannot remember except that there was "NO" sex and no clothes removed or any type of nakedness.

 

That's fueled alot of people saying "hogwash" but she has actually swore on the bible and fears God as I do that she is truthful in what she has revealed to me.

 

There's no time machine and the "other party" has severed ties and has threatened legal action if I so much as email him again (my wife will not contact him either)....this is one difficult situation for sure....

[Realist3]

Some cheaters have spouses who could care less about them and what they do (past or present).

 

The OP, however, seems to care a great deal . . . so the amount of time that has passed is irrelevant.

 

 

Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

 

My statement was meant to perhaps let the OP realize that letting it go is an option. I can go back 10-15-20 years and drag up wrongs, but what good does that do me for tomorrow?

[Realist3]

I personally would like to just forget about it and move on...but there is the principle of it all and then the fact it was not long after we were married...and most hurtful is the fact it went approximately a year. A YEAR! That is a long time. If it were a once-twice thing yes I probably would have had my say and screaming and could have let it go much easier. But a year. Even if she said "literally the devil made me do it" there's a huge block of time to come to your senses...as I said, I'm trying to question her to get an idea of the number of (I call them) "sessions" and the truthful "severity" of it (how "intimate"). But she persists in saying she cannot remember except that there was "NO" sex and no clothes removed or any type of nakedness.

 

That's fueled alot of people saying "hogwash" but she has actually swore on the bible and fears God as I do that she is truthful in what she has revealed to me.

 

There's no time machine and the "other party" has severed ties and has threatened legal action if I so much as email him again (my wife will not contact him either)....this is one difficult situation for sure....

 

Ask yourself what you hope to gain from all of this. How does this make your life together better, tomorrow, next year or 5 years from now?

 

She doesn't remember... so what? I don't remember details of things 20 years ago and I doubt most people do.

[GLDheart]

Trust.

 

THAT is what she destroyed long ago. The truth took a while to get to you but it doesn't make it any less real or any less important.

 

You need her honesty in order to rebuild that trust. Dig down, get this dirt out of the way, and clear the air. If she can do this, you have a chance. I know that's what you want. It's clear in the way you write.

 

But, if she won't be honest with you about what happened, what trust for any kind of a future does she deserve?

[analog_kid]

I had a hard time believing because of her 'not remembering details' but she attests that nothing happened more than what I posted earlier - I had issues because I was scared that there were 'details' she might be forgetting. However, she said there is absolutely nothing more - if there was it wouldve been remembered.

 

My questions to you all also is how would you have handled in contacting the other 'guilty party?' I don't know how I would have done it differently - what happened is just simply how it happened...(see earlier posts).

[analog_kid]

P.S. just so we're on the same track could you tell me for sure what the "OP" and the other code letters stand for that are used....not sure. THANKS!!!

[road]

OP can be original poster

 

OP can be Other person As OM/OW other man/woman

 

You want the truth as you have seen OM will not give evidence of his wrong doing. Being this affair went on for the time it did WW and OM did more then just kiss.

 

You want the truth you must schedule a polygraph test for your WW. Tell her the appoinment date once it is set.

 

You want the tools to put this affair in the past the get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[GLDheart]

I'm sensing that you really really just can't accept that she 99.9999% had sex with this guy. ALOT.

 

Stop believing the person that has just been 100% proven to be lying to you.