Treasa Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Hi, I'm going through the process of figuring out why I tend to go after and attract men who are emotionally abusive, and I wanted to run this one by you. My very recent ex once, in anger (even though I hadn't done anything really bad), called me a c*nt. Now, I occasionally use that word, but I don't call anyone it to their face. I got really upset, and he said it was a normal thing for people over there to call others when they were upset. He'd often also call me a mong, but say it was a loving way to call me silly or something. I mostly want to hear about the c*nt bit, but part of my healing will be in being able to truly recognize things that are unacceptable. I tend to only see the good in people I care about.
Author Treasa Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Ugh, I am having massive cognitive dissonance tonight, and it's driving me INSANE. All I want to do is call him. All I can do is remember the good stuff. I need to list some of the things he did: 1. Would always ask me who I was going out with, but would get defensive if I would ask him the same. 2. Would accuse me of flirting with other guys in the beginning, or say they were flirting with me and I wasn't putting a stop to it. 3. Would joke around and tease me, but then tell me to **** off if I was joking about something, and say it very angrily. 4. Would take my very tentative, very gentle attempts to talk about issues as attacks, and instead of addressing them, would go on the attack himself. He did this the night we broke up. I eventually did break up, but then called him back, changing my mind. HE then said we were finished, but spammed my Inbox the next day saying how sad he was and whatnot, and even asking as recently as Tuesday if we were really over, but not really trying to be with me. 5. Would always ask if I would do things for HIM. Rub his back if I were there, or watch what he wanted to watch... Sometimes we'd start watching a TV series together on Netflix (we were ldr), and he'd often finish the series without waiting for me, because at one point he got laid off, and I still have my job. 6. Would tell me he was too busy to talk to me, even though he had plenty of time to play video games. 7. Would tell me, when I was REALLY struggling with my job, that I shouldn't settle for something that would make me happier but pay me less. However, he was unemployed at this time. His parents were supporting him, not me. 8. Would tell me not to shout at him, but would shout at me. But in between all these things he managed to make me feel like the bad guy, or made me feel like the one with problems, and there were so many times when he was so sweet and seemed so worried about losing me. There are more, but I'm getting a headache.
Author Treasa Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Oh yeah, and after several failed attempts by me to tell him what he needed to do to get me back (show me a little more attention, be a little sweeter, and call me rather than just emailing me), he just emailed me back and said, "You know I want you." It was constantly, "(some form of not spending time with me), but know that I love you." I finally emailed him and basically told him he'd be an idiot if he let me go, and he told me I was being harsh and put a sad face in his email!
scratch Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 My very recent ex once, in anger (even though I hadn't done anything really bad), called me a c*nt. Now, I occasionally use that word, but I don't call anyone it to their face. I got really upset, and he said it was a normal thing for people over there to call others when they were upset. I mostly want to hear about the c*nt bit, but part of my healing will be in being able to truly recognize things that are unacceptable. I tend to only see the good in people I care about. It's not as bad to call someone a cunt over there. It's kind of like "bitch" or "douchebag." No asterisks? No asterisks. That's skill, faggots.
ThaWholigan Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 The word c*nt can actually not be censored on this site but the word is considered to be very offensive here (in England), up there with f*ck, if not worse. However, there are a lot of people that use the word in a banter-ish sort of way or at the very least attach very little meaning to the word. It is a common curse to use for someone - I have called someone a c*nt before, albeit with an adjective behind it (i.e. lucky, dopey etc). A mong is used as a curse, it's also considered very offensive - it's basically another word for spastic, which describes a person with disabilities. Ricky Gervais recently got in trouble for referring to Susan Boyle as a "mong". Still, there are people here that will use terms like this affectionately to some degree. I think the c*nt bit is telling, I don't make a habit of calling people "c*nts" when I'm angry. I'd have to be really pissed off. 1
Author Treasa Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 God, he got pissed at me for EVERYTHING. One time I was joking around that his brother, who is 15 and super smart, got a math problem wrong that I got right. My ex went into a fit that I was "having a go at a child," and told me to F off. But it was ok for him to tease me as much as he wanted. And he was such a control freak.
Author Treasa Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 I want to cry, but the tears won't come because deep down inside I know I'm going to be ok, but it still f'ing hurts. Stupid freaking anxiety. I keep wanting him to contact me, and I keep wanting to be over him at the same time. And I want to have English people as my friends. I want to visit there and not feel like it reminds me of my ex.
Author Treasa Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 I guess a bit of backstory helps. My father ended up being abusive to me and molested me when he saw me when I was young, even though my mom divorced him when I was two. And then he was completely out of the picture for most of my life, in jail for sexual molestation of other kids and for drug-related reasons. My mom loves me more than life itself, but was never affectionate with me. She's one of those tough, stoic types.
FitChick Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I date British guys but I've never had any of them call me any names other than darling or luv.
Author Treasa Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 I begged him to call me love. He'd only call me hon. He said he only calls girls he doesn't really care about "love."
SmileFace Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 You need to stop worrying about what names he called you and stop focusing on the meaning of the word. This relationships was obviously abusive in other ways. Would you let him call you "bitch"... it is the same thing. It all isn't acceptable. Stop putting so much thought into him calling you a favorable pet name and you need to focus on a guys behavior. Plus if you keep attracting the same guys -- you need to figure out why you are attracted to them. I am in the U.S but my background uses this word on the regular -- it all isn't acceptable for a relationship.
Taramere Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 It's not as bad to call someone a cunt over there. It's kind of like "bitch" or "douchebag." I feeI responsible for this misconception that cunt isn't a very offensive word in the UK. It's hugely offensive, and usually referred to as the c-word. The main difference is that whereas in the US "cunt" often seems to be used for women, in the UK it's used more commonly about men. ThaWholigan's definition was pretty good. I would ony use it in an affectionate/joking kind of way with somebody if I regarded them as a robust character who would find it funny. Treasa, you'll just have to go with your instincts. I've been called a mong several times, by one of my more adventurous friends, and I just laughed it off. However, it was said with affection when I did something stupid, and by somebody who wasn't offended by being called similar names in humour. You have to have the right chemistry with a person for these terms to be used as part of banter. If somebody called me a cunt or a mong in anger, while we were having a serious argument, then I'd regard that as a sign of very poor emotional control and/or worrying levels of underlying anger on their part. An angry temperament and poor emotional control feature in a lot of abusive behaviour. With those people, I think abuse tends not to be calculated or planned - but something that happens in the heat of the moment, and often with destructive effects. Those are the people who become very apologetic, because they know that the problem is that they can't control their own temper. A guy calling me a cunt during a serious, angry argument would offend me a lot and I'd regard it as an abusive thing to say, but if it weren't part of a regular pattern of behaviour I'd let it go. The mong part - I can easily buy into your ex having used that in a jokingly affectionate way. I wouldn't be focused on the isolated name-calling episodes so much as on the fact that what you recall about him is generally negative. I think the bottom line is that for whatever reason, you didn't feel able to trust this guy. Without trust, name calling with words like "mong" is going to feel closer to abuse than to banter...and at the end of the relationship you're going to recall mainly negative things about him. It's like when a relationship ends because somebody has cheated on you. All the trust goes, and because it's gone your entire feelings about them and the relationship you had change to strong negativity. Whether this guy merited being mistrusted or not, I have no idea. That's between you and your instincts. 1
rocketman122 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I called my GF an azzhole a few times for things she said or did. she got pissed at me for "cursing" her last time. but it pissed me off when she said I was doing some porn movie in my mind in our last lovemaking session. I love her like crazy and never think of her in that way. when I look at her in the mirror while in the act she says Im doing a porn movie as well. its not true. I just love looking at her. I mean it in the same way as saying jerk,dikk, douchebag, or an idiot or or shmuck. and I say the same things about myself as well. when I act bad, I apologize to her immediately and tell her that im an azzhole for my behavior . its not a crime or a bad thing to be an azzhole. as long as you want to make it better. cunt OTOH is a bit rough.
LittleTiger Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I'm English and I have never, in my life, been called a c*nt or a mong by anyone - English or any other nationality. My friends and family would never, in a million years, use the C-word. It's about the most offensive thing you can call someone. I have heard mong used affectionally though, in a teasing way. I still think it's pretty horrible though, as 'you're such a mong' means 'you're such an idiot' and, even if used in this way and the receiver doesn't take offence, it is still offensive to people with Down's Syndrome. Sometimes people do say things they regret in the heat of the moment but, this doesn't sound like a one time thing, and he doesn't sound like a very good person. It may be hard now, but you deserve better. 1
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 clear case of a pot calling the kettle..... you could always reply, "Yes, I'm lucky to have one, but you ARE one"..... See how he likes it.... 1
movingon12 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't say mong is particularly offensive. In fact my friends use it as it an affectionate insult with each other quite often - though I had never heard of it being slang for anything else. As for 'the c-word', I think it just comes down to personality. I've said it a couple of a times when I was so angry there were no other words to use - though I've used it with both men and women. I can't imagine ever using it against someone I love though. It's definitely one to save for special occasions....but your ex might just be someone who swears more often. 'Love' is what you get called by bus drivers and bin men. Edited November 30, 2012 by movingon12
Taramere Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I wouldn't say mong is particularly offensive. In fact my friends use it as it an affectionate insult with each other quite often - though I had never heard of it being slang for anything else. No. I don't use it myself, but I don't object when other people use it. I realise it could potentially cause offence on account of mong being short for mongol...but then, idiot could equally be termed offensive since traditionally it was used to describe the village individual with severe learning difficulties. As for 'the c-word', I think it just comes down to personality. I've said it a couple of a times when I was so angry there were no other words to use - though I've used it with both men and women. I can't imagine ever using it against someone I love though. It's definitely one to save for special occasions....but your ex might just be someone who swears more often. I actually like the word. It's important that cunt doesn't get overused, but now and again it's fun to cut loose, behave like a citizen living with Tourette's Syndrome and say it in an Exorcist or Cartman voice. I see it as a word for fun and play, rather than anger though. I just googled it. In Argentina they say concha, aparently. That's really quite sweet and inoffensive. You can imagine a Latin lover using it. "Your concha my darling. Your precious shell...carrying the scent of the sea..."
Mint Sauce Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I used c*nt once with my British friends, they were shocked, but actually more so because it was me using the word (I don't usually swear). Still, they agreed it was among the most offensive words. To get to the actual issue: Yes, this sounds very abusive. In 14 years of relationships, I've never called a girl anything like that. Only once did I use "sl*t", when my last gf admitted to having slept around behind my back.
TaraMaiden Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 A friend of mine tells me she thinks I'm the only female she personally knows who has the 'character' to say it, get away with it, and make it sound 'ok'.... I'm not sure whether that's a compliment or an insult though.! I never have - and never would - say it TO someone, although I've said it ABOUT someone, before.... but it was also in a jokingly-frustrated way, not genuine anger..... I could not imagine myself actually using the word in anger, personally at anyone else. You may like to think twice, in future, about use of the word "quaint", which we now use to indicate something archaically attractive.... There again, you could tell someone you find them quaint - and they wouldn't have any idea about any alternative meaning.... Ignorance is bliss.....
Recommended Posts