Titania22 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Hey Everybody, Lately there have been times when I send someone a message or call them, and they don't reply or answer at all that day. And then when they do message me, it's completely unrelated and I just respond straight away. When now I find myself feeling, that I don't want to respond the next time they message me, and I realise that is a very passive aggressive way of dealing with this. Despite it being passive aggressive, is that such a wrong way to deal with this situation? I don't really feel I want to talk to them about it, as my interest is fairly low, and I already think the fact I was answering immediately before may give the impression my interest is higher then it is. I think talking about this, would just make it seem I was really interested. So is there anything wrong with just being more distant?
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I don't think it's passive aggressive unless you are doing it on purpose to jab at them or to try to get a reaction. I'm assuming that you're talking about people you don't really know. If they are people you have actual relationships with, I think it's wrong to just disappear. 1
dasein Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 It's not passive aggressive to gauge and temper one's feelings and responsiveness to people in accordance with their treatment of you. That's healthy. It's when you do it to punish them or out of spite that may be P-A as opposed to telling them directly, but don't see that in your post. It also concerns all the little inconveniences and slights we suffer in life due to the thoughtlessness of other people, whether it's being cut off in traffic or having someone break in a line. If we dwell on all these things to the point of making each of them a "significant event," we will go crazy, so we let most of them just roll off our backs and minimalize them... they do bottle up in time though and then we deal with that hopefully through pressure release (such as posting on LS). I don't think that's necessarily a P-A response, just pragmatic mental health in an obnoxious world. 3
Author Titania22 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 MMe Chaucer, well I wasn't planning on disappearing forever, i.e. doing the fade, but I agree with you on the " it's passive aggressive unless you are doing it on purpose to jab at them or to try to get a reaction", which is why I started the thread. But I like dasein's way of looking at it, because he is already doing the disappearing thing himself, and I am not convinced of his interest in me. Also because of my natural way of being in the world, of being so open and friendly and willing to acknowledge and appreciated the actions of others, it is completely understandable if most of the time guys, including this one, gauge my interest at higher then it is. And I don't necessarily get the lines of acceptable human interaction, so it seems if I want to have better outcomes with men in general, I need to behave differently to what feels natural. I know that sounds like game playing. But please consider, if a person has trouble with portion control and wants to lose weight, they are going to have to find another way to measure their portions, rather then trusting their bodies to tell them they are full. In the same way, maybe I message too much, and am too easy to get a hold of, and that leads guys (and this guy) to lose interest. And in the mean time I am having trouble generating my own interest in him.
Author Titania22 Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Well it looks like the whole post is moot, because he never even did try to contact me.
MrCastle Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Passive aggressive or not I do this all the time with women I don't want to talk to. It's pretty obvious too as I'm almost always connected to my phone and answer people back within minutes, so if you text me and I don't text you back, I'm ignoring you. I do it to women who are bad texters as a way to get back at them. Better to do that, in my opinion, than call them out on their stuff and have a meaningless argument that will only further hurt my chances of hooking up with them.
phineas Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 OP, I called a women from OLD on friday, chatted a bit then called her on sunday. Nothing. left message saying to call me if she wants to chat. wed mid morning I got a "how are you message" huh? So we text a little. Thursday we text some more & I relay to her when i'm available to meet on my lunch. No response. This morning at 8:30 she sends me "good morning, have a good day" WTF? Ignore. I'm actually done with this chick. She knows I want to meet & just stops texting when I try to find out when she is free to meet then comes back with an unrelated text the next day? Waste of my time.
Taramere Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 So is there anything wrong with just being more distant? No, if you feel that you're being rejected... but you could maybe check whether there's another form of communication they prefer. Personally I really don't like texting. I would far rather just pick the phone up and talk to the person, so long as it's brief...or meet up with them and have a proper conversation. Endless text conversations just drive me round the bend. I also dislike the way texts interrupt proper conversations (the type two people who have bothered to meet up face to face have). Typing messages on Facebook or an email is fine, because I touch-type and can respond quickly. Also, I'm not obliged to respond straight away..but texting is different. People expect you to be glued to your phone and therefore to respond to texts instantly. I don't like to be a slave to a gadget in that way, when I'm not at work. Texts are useful for very short messages about meeting arrangements etc, but when people start conducting conversations with me via text it makes me want to tear my hair out. I will sometimes procrastinate responding, just because I hate texting so much. Unfortunately I seem to be the only person in the world who loathes texts. Sorry for the rant, but I think it's maybe useful for people who text a lot to realise that some people don't keep their phones switched on all the time/really dislike texting as a form of communication...and that failure to respond quickly could be down to either of those things rather than attributable to any planned ignoring.
Under The Radar Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 No, if you feel that you're being rejected... but you could maybe check whether there's another form of communication they prefer. Personally I really don't like texting. I would far rather just pick the phone up and talk to the person, so long as it's brief...or meet up with them and have a proper conversation. Endless text conversations just drive me round the bend. I also dislike the way texts interrupt proper conversations (the type two people who have bothered to meet up face to face have). Typing messages on Facebook or an email is fine, because I touch-type and can respond quickly. Also, I'm not obliged to respond straight away..but texting is different. People expect you to be glued to your phone and therefore to respond to texts instantly. I don't like to be a slave to a gadget in that way, when I'm not at work. Texts are useful for very short messages about meeting arrangements etc, but when people start conducting conversations with me via text it makes me want to tear my hair out. I will sometimes procrastinate responding, just because I hate texting so much. Unfortunately I seem to be the only person in the world who loathes texts. Sorry for the rant, but I think it's maybe useful for people who text a lot to realise that some people don't keep their phones switched on all the time/really dislike texting as a form of communication...and that failure to respond quickly could be down to either of those things rather than attributable to any planned ignoring. I feel very much the way you do about texting, but we are definitely in the minority. Hey, where were you when I posted my "Social Media, Texting, and Dating" thread? I certainly would have appreciated your point of view . 1
Taramere Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 I feel very much the way you do about texting, but we are definitely in the minority. Hey, where were you when I posted my "Social Media, Texting, and Dating" thread? I certainly would have appreciated your point of view . Oh, i missed that one. I was away last weekend. Was that when you posted it? I had a boss who would text me at all hours. I'd easily get around 20 texts a day from her, outside of working hours. Mobiles are convenient, but I feel like they get overused to the point where they've become a real imposition. When I'm out with somebody, and they start chatting or texting on their mobile it makes me want to just get up and leave. I offended a friend today by saying "could we maybe have this conversation on Facebook? I don't' really like text conversations." We'd exchanged a few texts, and he kept coming back with more...lengthy texts packed with info that obviously required comment. My hand was starting to cramp up. He suggested in a huffy looking text that I email him if and when I feel like it. Oh for the days when we weren't expected to be contactable at the drop of a hat.
Under The Radar Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 Oh, i missed that one. I was away last weekend. Was that when you posted it? I had a boss who would text me at all hours. I'd easily get around 20 texts a day from her, outside of working hours. Mobiles are convenient, but I feel like they get overused to the point where they've become a real imposition. When I'm out with somebody, and they start chatting or texting on their mobile it makes me want to just get up and leave. I offended a friend today by saying "could we maybe have this conversation on Facebook? I don't' really like text conversations." We'd exchanged a few texts, and he kept coming back with more...lengthy texts packed with info that obviously required comment. My hand was starting to cramp up. He suggested in a huffy looking text that I email him if and when I feel like it. Oh for the days when we weren't expected to be contactable at the drop of a hat. I posted my texting thread a while back, but I was certainly in the minority then too. Texting has become the most popular form of communication over the past few years. I see its utility for specific applications, but, like you, I think it is misused and abused by many. I wholeheartedly agreed with another poster who made the analogy that actively engaging in cell phone usage on a lunch date is the equivalent of reading a newspaper in front of the other person.
Author Titania22 Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Well in this case I had called once and not gotten through and then sent 1 text 5hrs later. So I really don't think I fit into the obsessive texting group. But thanks for your point of view.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 (edited) OP, it's not passive aggressive. HE/SHE is the one that's passive aggressive -- as an example: he probably did not pick up / responsd to text because, for example, you did not pick up the phone when he called you (possibly because the call was made at 6:30 am or something like that, when you were ASLEEP). This happened with my ex once. Anyway, your response is not passive-aggressive: it's called giving him a taste of his own medicine. Acting like nothing happened will only reward his passive aggressive behaviour. Edited December 2, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
Feelin Frisky Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 It's only passive/aggression if you are the initiator. You are the victim of inconsiderate people and you feel like responding in a way that communicates your displeasure--even if that's not saying anything in response to them. There's no aggression in that. Aggression--the passive kind--is when people knowingly do stuff that gets other people upset and doing so in a way that they appear completely innocent. It happens here on LS with a few persons (who are on my ignore list). IMO to be an Internet moderator one should be completely aware of the pattern or they will warn and/or ban the victim of passive aggression while the real trigger-person remains. Now let's see if this post results in one of them revealing themselves. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted December 4, 2012 Posted December 4, 2012 My mom has a passive-aggressive streak in her. When I have to deal with her she starts whistling nonsensical non-melodies. This is not the kind of whistling people do where the lips are pursed but it's the under-the-tongue kind. I usually say nothing but it's freaking irritating, she knows it, and just does it. I don't get the impulse but it's on her. She wants me to get angry and say something so she can then act the victim of my supposed ill-temper. I won't give her what she seems to want.
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