BUBS Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I've been stalking this site since my official break up happened a little over a month ago (there was a break up the previous month that was unofficial). Heres the backstory I can provide before getting to my point,I'm sorry its so long, but its nice to have support and I'm tired of being alone on it. So thanks ahead of time! I dated my ex 10 years ago for 2 years when we were wee little teenagers long distance. I traveled across the country, and visited when I could but it was obvious we wouldnt be able to stay together at our age with the distance. Obvious to him at least, he broke up with me, broke my heart but in time I was able to acknowledge that nothing could have really happened at that age and it was understandable. Fast forward- Throughout the years I played my cool with him. Since we rarely saw one another our relationship was easily manifested into something more like a fairy tale, and it became obvious we both held one another on the "white buffalo" or "one that got away" pedestal. Once or twice a year we would exchange banter through text or social networking and eventually reminisce and then move on once again with our lives. Everyone always dreams about being reunited with their first love so I forgave myself for it. Fast forward again to 5 years after our break up not seeing one another. I am into a relationship with another man for about 3 years at this point and while things weren't bad, it didn't feel right after time had passed. He was in a relationship for several months and living with his girlfriend. We began talking like usual once a year to feed our egos, only this time the talking didn't stop. He broke up with his girlfriend despite not having seen me in so long and insisted that he couldn't be with her when he wasn't 100% and when he always had feelings for me. I decided to take a trip down after breaking up with my boyfriend to see what the deal was, ultimately we picked up where we had left off years beforehand. We both had matured in many ways and were finally able to establish things with one another. I relocated and we moved in with one another immediately. Things were wonderful, and after a while he popped the question. I never bothered to begin planning our wedding despite being engaged for a year and a half because of financial reasons and the inability to figure out which state we would even have it in. I returned home every few months to visit with family and take care of business. This last time that I returned home him and I were doing fine before I left but things had gotten hectic around us, and exhausting and we both were seemingly becoming more self absorbed in our own life issues and getting put on the back burner. After being away for nearly 2 months I started to see a change and shift in us. I broke it off with him because he didn't seem as committed, expecting it to be a wake up call for him. Though he kept in touch after I broke it off, things changed dramatically. He told me he wasn't sure why he couldn't convince himself to try, that maybe he had fallen out of love. I asked him to book a flight to come see me so we could discuss in person and ultimately figure out if it was just the distance, he booked the flight but then refused to come because of work. So I drove down to our home to try and figure things out. The week was odd, it was like being with a stranger, and I came to find that in August (a month before I broke up with him) he had been talking to a girl he met at a bar about leaving me, and how he didnt want to destroy me with everything I was going through. I figured it out, he felt new love, exciting again, and because he didn't feel that way with our old comfortable love (maybe gigs?) he felt there was nothing left of us. In the messages I found of theirs he ultimately cut off speaking to her before I had even broken up with him. The week again was confusing, during the day it was as if we were broken up, and yet I made the foolish mistake of drinking with him at night, to which we acted like a couple once again every day I was there. At the end of the week when it was time for me to leave I confronted him about what was going on. He said he had given up and that he wasn't going to string it along. He was apologetic and as kind as someone can be. I begged to a certain degree, told him it was completely normal to have doubts and that in long relationships especially with the stress we were both going through that it was not uncommon to feel detached or bored and suggested counseling (we were engaged for christ sake). Again he refused. Needless to say I'm heartbroken. I sacrificed a lot to make the relationship work, and for most of it he was seemingly more obsessive and persistant to make the relationship work than I was. It's hard to understand how a man can go from crying hysterically with an engagement ring, to completely shut down from just a few months of things not being butterflies. So heres my point.... the BREADCRUMBS! I expected a lot more than I've recieved in the past month from him, 10 years of on and off again history. He still has my dog, and my things at his house. He should be reminded of me constantly and it almost hurts that he hasn't even slipped up with a drunk text like "I love you" or whatever... so here are the breadcrumbs I've received throughout this month. I sent him a long apology for all of the things I did towards the end of the relationship that I'm not too proud of. He apologized back, and eventually brought up the fact that we didn't end on horrible terms, said that because of this if both of us "wanted too" and the "opportunity" came up we could have another chance one day... yea ok. One night he sent me two pictures of puppies... wtf I blocked him on facebook, and one night he asked if I had blocked him, he said it was fine if I did that he just wanted to make sure because he didn't. I didn't respond He has been liking nearly all of my pictures on instagram. During the hurricane sandy storm he constantly texted me to make sure I was ok, but after it left nothing really. I've gotten a few "how are you feeling?" texts and the "happy thanks giving text" I said "thanks,you too" to which he responded "tell the family happy thanksgiving and give them my love"... argh! I decided I had had enough of this crap. I told him I wanted to be friends and he said the same when we broke up but I didn't actually expect him to treat me like a friend. All of his texts have been impersonal and to the point. He hasnt really asked me about my life or anything along the lines, so what the hell is he doing?! I asked him to send me back some of my jewelry and he sent it back with a note "Sorry it took so long to send, Hope you are doing well. I love and miss you- x"... is this guy trying to give me a heart attack? I stopped talking to him on Monday (it's now Thursday)... this morning I woke up and he posted a picture to his instagram account of an overweight giraffe ( love giraffes) and tagged me in it... what the hell is going on?! So yea... I dunno what my point is... I guess it's just nonsense. My first love came back, proposed... and then left again the second things got to be too vanilla or too exhausting 3 years after, who knows. Now I dunno what he is doing?! I've spent 5 years on and off with this guy, and 10 years talking to him... where do I go from here? No contact despite him having my dog and things?
NavyAirTraffic Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Actually your story is quite similar to an old relationship of mine. After spending months with this girl I realized that the "fairly tale" relationship I envisioned was actually reality and could never live up to my thoughts/dreams/fantasies. So one day I ended it, and unlike your ex, I ENDED IT. Never saw/called/answered/texted/emailed or anything to her ever again, ever again (3 years ago). You are reading into all the wrong things, "I don't want to be with you" is all that matters. Why he sends you breadcrumbs? WHO CARES, the real message has never changed "I don't want to be with you"! Don't take that as a slap in the face, I have left AMAZING women in the past. Either it took me time to realize they were amazing, or they just weren't for me. Get you stuff/dog back and karate chop this a**hole out of your life. Also, picture him banging someone else (hard and good), if this image hurts you, you cannot be friends!
Author BUBS Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 I appreciate your honesty. I can completely understand your perspective, you mentioned that after a few months you ended it. I know that I shouldn't read into it, I just don't understand why it would take him 3 1/2 years the second time around to realize that I didn't live up to a fantasy when the honeymoon stage ended before he even proposed to me... I know I shouldn't bother asking its nonsense and bull****. And yes i am well aware that I can't be friends with him despite my suggesting it. It's annoying that he convinced me to sacrifice my life for that length of time. I guess I convinced myself to. I never pushed him to begin together, every time an argument came up I always gave him the option to leave and he was always the one fighting for me back. You are right though, he said he gave up and thats all that matters. I think that he thinks that he can take some time away to miss me, let things happen inbetween and we can go back to being fluff or boo boo a year from now or two just like the last time. I don't think he's emotionally mature enough to understand that after the honeymoon phase ends, love can still exist. It's our generation, too entitled, believing when the going gets tough, you have to get going. That everything has to be a fairy tale every second for love to exist within a relationship. My grandfather and grandmother would roll over in their graves laughing if someone brought up the concept of forever and continuously being madly in love, yet it seems that's what people expect rather than appreciating genuine love.
NavyAirTraffic Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I think that he thinks that he can take some time away to miss me, let things happen inbetween and we can go back to being fluff or boo boo a year from now or two just like the last time. Prolem is... you/we can't read minds or see into the future. Idk why he left, people change their minds. You changed your mind with the guy you left to be with your current ex right? How did he take it? Are you supposed to stay with him because of his feelings? Obviously no, and same goes for your ex, we are allowed to change our minds and have the power of choice. You're right about fairy tale endings, and I blame Hollywood or people's stupidity to believe in the Hollywood fairy tale. They never show 3 years down the road when the lust has fades and dirty laundry.... Lol 1
Author BUBS Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Exactly! We are a generation of puff and sugar coated nonsense. So when things loose their mystery or spark we run away. I did it with the ex that I left for him, I experienced that fresh love feeling and ran... but I matured, as we all have to unless we intend on moving into the playboy mansion and even that bastard eventually came to realize he needs to wife it up before he dies. Relationships are wonderful in the beginning because they are an ego trip, you can depict yourself as you please, and you can have someone constantly reassuring you that you are "amazing, perfect" the works... however any fool can be in love, the question is, when do people mature and realize that you have to work in order to keep a commitment and relationship going, that things do get boring, exhausting, and ridiculous at times and you press on and eventually find so much love in the end? I'm disgusted as I've seen so many of my friends and peers run away the second intense meth like feelings were gone.
NavyAirTraffic Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 but I matured But your ex didn't/wasn't mature. We are kinda getting off topic. All I'm trying to convey is you need to and can only focus on yourself now. Get you stuff/dog back and karate chop him out of your life!! One day you'll realize that lingering on his thoughts, why he left, what was he thinking, why send breadcrumbs, is all pointless. The goal for you, the only thing you can control is to improve yourself. Heal as quickly as possible so one day if he ever comes back, you'll be better and stronger, and won't take him back. One very key word there, IF, that "if" is completely out of your control. I'm no longer in your stage but was. Read the "get over them fast" link in my signature. Doing those things really helped me to heal/move on in the beginning.
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