pbjbear Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Thank you for the extra reading and all the replies. When reading someone else's similar situation the first thing that popped into mind was theyve figured out a way to have their cake and eat it too(whether intentionally or subconsciously). My mother has always said that when something feels off it usually is but we try and talk ourselves into accepting it (for love? Not wanting to rock the boat?) when inside we know it is wrong wrong wrong...and that ain't kosher! You are right I just hope you can apply it to your life. I have never even gotten to a boyfriend so I understand why youre so hesitant to throw away a 3 year relationship over this. But she isnt just a catty woman, she has caused your boyfriends level of commitment to you to be shown. If it wasnt her causing this in your boyfriend, it was going to be another female in the picture at some point in the future. Dont think of her as winning due to this- its your boyfriend that is the problem. Maybe breaking up with him will show him how serious you are about this. Men can be dense sometimes. Im not saying dump him to get it through his head and expect him to come back. Dump him and if he comes back, make him earn your trust and show his level of commitment for awhile before you allow him into your life again. However, Id really just dump him and move on because if after 3 years he is acting like this he will NOT change. Dont think a man will change for you
Author splinter Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I talked to him in Nov. and he promised to not talk to her at strange times/hang out alone and to have a boundaries talk with her if that's what I wanted. A few weeks ago I asked him how the talk went and he said he never ended up talking to her about it because she hasn't been talking to him and he thought it'd be awkward to bring it up randomly. (understand) We hosted a big Super Bowl party the other day and she heard about it through a mutual friend of his. She ended up texting and asking him if she could come. He asked me if it was okay if she came and I said absolutely not. He said he'd tell her not to come by if that's what I wanted-I have no idea what he ended up saying but she stayed away. I thought the situation was over and done with and am now confused what to feel. I deeply appreciate that he asked me but it concerns me that he even asked me if it was okay if she came after everything, I figured he understood why to cease contact with an ex, does he just not get it? Really are friends? Not sure how I feel after things were going fine. Thoughts... Overthinking?
AH1990 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Well, OP, sounds like he has already made up his mind even before you brought up the subject. Time for you to make your decision.
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I talked to him in Nov. and he promised to not talk to her at strange times/hang out alone and to have a boundaries talk with her if that's what I wanted. A few weeks ago I asked him how the talk went and he said he never ended up talking to her about it because she hasn't been talking to him and he thought it'd be awkward to bring it up randomly. (understand) We hosted a big Super Bowl party the other day and she heard about it through a mutual friend of his. She ended up texting and asking him if she could come. He asked me if it was okay if she came and I said absolutely not. He said he'd tell her not to come by if that's what I wanted-I have no idea what he ended up saying but she stayed away. I thought the situation was over and done with and am now confused what to feel. I deeply appreciate that he asked me but it concerns me that he even asked me if it was okay if she came after everything, I figured he understood why to cease contact with an ex, does he just not get it? Really are friends? Not sure how I feel after things were going fine. Thoughts... Overthinking? I think the "if that's what you want" blameshifting is more of the same, honestly. It's nice that you had a temporary reprieve, in that she was out of the picture for a bit...but it sounds like he still refuses to see your side of it.
veggirl Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I would ask to see the text he sent her telling her she couldn't come. I bet it says something along the lines of "I'm sorry, splinter said you can't" and totally put blame on you. 1
Author splinter Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I would ask to see the text he sent her telling her she couldn't come. I bet it says something along the lines of "I'm sorry, splinter said you can't" and totally put blame on you. What should he have said to not be mean but respectful?
InJest Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You don't get it. He's not going to stop. You either quit whining about it, or you find someone who is more respectful of you. At this point, you are doing this to yourself, so you deserve it.
veggirl Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 What should he have said to not be mean but respectful? he should have ignored it or told her "You know, I don't think it'd be appropriate to have an ex hanging around while I'm in a relationship." or something. But let me guess he blamed you. Him saying it's because of you makes it sound like HE WANTS HER THERE. it makes it sound like "oh man if it weren't for splinter, I SO would let you come! but uggggh she says no..." it creates an "us" (those 2) vs "her" (you) type of atmosphere. HE should be taking the blame here, not you. 2
Author splinter Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 You don't get it. He's not going to stop. You either quit whining about it, or you find someone who is more respectful of you. At this point, you are doing this to yourself, so you deserve it. when he told her not to come. I asked if he agreed with it and he said what he thinks doesnt matter as long as I'm happy and that he wants to keep me happy. This is a plus no?
InJest Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 So, what are you whining about then? It's obvious that he wanted her to come. Either tell him to call her up, right in front of you, put the phone on speaker, and then have him tell her to never contact him again. Or you can break up with him. Or you can quit bitching and trust him.
Author splinter Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 So, what are you whining about then? It's obvious that he wanted her to come. Either tell him to call her up, right in front of you, put the phone on speaker, and then have him tell her to never contact him again. Or you can break up with him. Or you can quit bitching and trust him. He is a friendly guy but yes exes=problems What would you do?
MyPoutine Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 This was the final straw that ended my relationship - walk, don't run. If a guy is willing to hurt you (his actually gf) over someone who hasn't been a part of his life for a while (his ex) then that is a neon sign saying "I value my feelings and my ex more than I value you" Cut costs and leave or stay and risk seeing him cheat on you with her. The biggest "red flag" is him going out with her without you. Why would they go to a movie alone??
Author splinter Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 This was the final straw that ended my relationship - walk, don't run. If a guy is willing to hurt you (his actually gf) over someone who hasn't been a part of his life for a while (his ex) then that is a neon sign saying "I value my feelings and my ex more than I value you" Cut costs and leave or stay and risk seeing him cheat on you with her. The biggest "red flag" is him going out with her without you. Why would they go to a movie alone?? Because they are ' old friends' he says
MyPoutine Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Yeah where was all this hanging out when she had a bf if they are "old friends" Why are they suddenly hanging out now that she's single?? If you want flip the script on him, dig up and old bf and start hanging out with him a bunch and see how well your bf takes it.
Author splinter Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 It just bothers me that he's told me he'd stop talking with her but it seems like he's only doing it because I want him too-he sees no problem with their communication/hangouts
Joaquin Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) This is the reality of your relationship with this guy. He has shown you what he wants. You can't control another person and he clearly wants her in his life. How you feel about it and the insecurity it brings to you and your relationship is obviously less important to him than his desire/need to keep her involved. I see this kinda thing as very manipulative, and I think yr bf knows he is slowly breaking you down over this. Sadly, you are getting totally sucked into it by thinking/praying it'll all come right. But each time a situation arises, you get broken down some more, having to double up on your emotional investment and getting nothing back. Seems you have to either accept it and the insecurity it brings, or move on. Edited February 8, 2013 by Joaquin
phineas Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 People I am in an exclusive relationship with are not allowed to go on dates with other people. What I mean to say is I won't forbid them, but if they do they are gone.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 You know that feeling you get when you sense something is going on? Follow it. Not because he may ACTUALLY be doing something, but the fact that he is not respecting your wishes and therefore doing nothing to make you think otherwise? Especially after 3 years? Yeah... NO.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 He is a friendly guy but yes exes=problems What would you do? Dump him. Unless he apologizes profusely and treats you like a queen and cuts that **** out and doesn't complain one ****ing bit. 1
Author splinter Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 He has said hed make boundaries with her because I want him too But I keep thinking about all the behind my back stuff that's gone on. He just seems so naive. She once asked him to catch a movie, I was busy so he agreed and they ended up seeing a show/dinner at a pizza bar. I found out the next day and I was hurt, I asked if he paid for her and why they'd hung out. His response was why does it matter who paid and because she wanted to hang out and she's my friend.... It's confusing because he always seems very loving/affectionate after he's hung out with her. Can't read him
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 He has said hed make boundaries with her because I want him too But I keep thinking about all the behind my back stuff that's gone on. He just seems so naive. She once asked him to catch a movie, I was busy so he agreed and they ended up seeing a show/dinner at a pizza bar. I found out the next day and I was hurt, I asked if he paid for her and why they'd hung out. His response was why does it matter who paid and because she wanted to hang out and she's my friend.... It's confusing because he always seems very loving/affectionate after he's hung out with her. Can't read him The fact that he didn't tell you before hand is the thing that would be a deal breaker. Complete lack of communication and is extremely disrespectful to you. You know, my boyfriend pulled some **** like that early on in our relationship. [not quite the same though] an old friend he ran into he made plans with, I found out, I freaked, and he almost didn't go. Why? Because it was causing a huge riff in our relationship. I was shocked he didn't tell me about her, and upset that he planned on spending a whole day with her. [she was in a relationship] The point was that I told him to go, but from now on he needs to be more open with me, and accept the fact that if he wants this relationship to work **** like this will NOT be accepted on my end. I also told him that to make it up to me he needs to be PERFECT. That was something we could rebound from, but if 3 years in he pulled this ****? **** no. I would be gone. Hell, 3 months in I would be gone. I don't do the whole "just friends who go on dates" bs. Want to see dinner and watch a movie? Go with ME, your girlfriend. 2
RogerWallace111 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I think people that still keep their exes around as 'friends' are insecure and need the constant validation that they can have someone else if they wanted to. The only successful friendships I have ever seen when it comes to exes is among older people who share children, are self assured, and confident in their current relationships. In these instances both parties understand boundaries and there is never any hanging out late at night or going to the movies with just each other. If there are no children in the mix there is no need to remain friends with an ex. Your guy is an insecure man looking for validation elsewhere. Waste of time in my opinion. Follow your heart and dont be fooled. Good luck! I think the bolded is true 90% of the time. Not necessarily that they really consider the ex some back-burner option, but that they like knowing theyre on their mind, and being reminded of it. Even if it's a subconscious thing. If they were really good platonic friends with the now ex prior to having a relationship, it might be different. I think the main problem is that once two people have had that depth of emotional and/or physical closeness, that memory is always there on some level, and the context of all their communication is forever changed. Even if neither one consciously acknowledges it or has "feelings" for the other. You just can't go back from being in love with someone, or even just having sex with them. They will always be that girl/guy you used to love, or f*cked, or whatever. Everyone will recount memories of their past, and other people theyve been with, even while in a deeply-loving relationship. But having that person from their past actually in their life, serving as a walking reminder with the ability to reminisce or flirt back... Even if it's tolerable it's never "good". I dealt with this **** on a more minor level with my ex... One of her exes, who she'd dumped and had tried desperately to get her back and became a hermit for like 2 years, insisted on texting her little inside jokes every month or two. I would snoop her phone and it always appeared platonic. This guy and another one of her exes were still in her circle of friends too, thus would show up at parties, etc. **** I'd get irritated just coming outside to find her having a convo with one of them. So your frustration is certainly warranted...
veggirl Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 girl your boyfriend isn't naive. He is playing naive because it WORKS on you and lets him get away with what he wants to do.
Author splinter Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Yeah where was all this hanging out when she had a bf if they are "old friends" Why are they suddenly hanging out now that she's single?? If you want flip the script on him, dig up and old bf and start hanging out with him a bunch and see how well your bf takes it. He has said they didn't hang out before because her ex didn't approve of it either ( one of the reasons they ended) As a side note she was starting to see someone during this however I know he still is hung up on his ex, and perhaps a reason why she feels the need to stick around my boyfriend. Why would a women do this?
camillalev Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 It's clear to you and everyone else how disrespectful he's being, cut and dry his actions regarding his ex speak for themselves. You know his actions are wrong, but you want them not to be, you want everything to be ok, because you love him and have been with him for so long. Like someone said above you are 'hoping and praying.' And honestly you are clouding your own judgment. Just because he's 'affectionate' when he's with you means nada. Despite EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this thread telling you the same reality OVER AND OVER you look for reasons to undermine WHAT YOU KNOW IS WRONG. Stop asking questions about this tiny detail or that tiny detail. You have the core facts and they all point to him DISRESPECTING YOU. After you poured your heart out and was honest with him about your concerns, he told you STRAIGHT OUT that he would not mind if you two ENDED YOUR THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP AND WENT YOUR OWN SEPARATE WAYS over this. Honestly that is so heartbreaking. He is taking none of the responsibility. He has none of the concern over this relationship that you have. He's not the one spending hours on a message board on the internet because of this. He's not thinking about you at all. You know this situation is wrong, but you're looking for reason to think otherwise.
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