Author splinter Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Thoughts on her pulling me aside and telling me I have nothing to worry about after she was a bit too touchy at the gathering?
Lil1 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 just an ego boost for her. She may as well have said I know I can have him but Im doing you the favor by not. Think about the actions that have taken place. If she genuinely respected you she would have backed off after telling you that you have nothing to worry about, it's common sense. Did she do this? There is your answer! 1
Troubled1 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 The biggest concerns are that he drunk dialed her right in front of her house when walking home from a bar, and the 1am call from her. The OTHER stuff could just be innocent, but it is very disrespectful. Hard as it is, stick up for yourself now so you don't hate yourself later. 1
dasein Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 What kind of touching? Arm around waist? sitting in lap? pressing her body and breasts into him? or patting on the arm? leading him somewhere by the hand? I have a circle of friends, married and single, where lots of otherwise questionably affectionate physical contact goes on, but we have -all- known each other for decades and there is a strong trusting atmosphere. Otherwise, her pulling you aside could be pure gaslighting, purposeful to annoy you further and make her look innocent, or well-intentioned. Generally though, a well-intentioned person would say something along the lines of "I've had a bit too much wine, or tired, or having too much fun, and didn't mean any disrespect. Sorry" The last thing a thoughtful person in such a situation does is pull out stuff like "You have nothing to worry about," which says, "I'm going to continue doing whatever I want regardless of how you feel, and btw, I'm hinting that you are being paranoid here... have a nice dose of blameshift." 2
Author splinter Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 He said its cause they were just friends and she had been asking to hang out earlier and he wanted to catch up and have a drink on the balcony if she was home :l i am unsure as to whether he is oblivious and actually doesnt see this as something you dont do in a relationship or ?
salparadise Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Agree that it's not acceptable. How to fix it is the question. Since you've made your feelings known and he has refused to respect you I think you might as well bring it to a head. It's either that or live indefinitely with her being the third corner in a triangular relationship, and of course she is a threat whether he will admit it or not. Here's the thing though, it's not just about her, it's about him giving you the take it or leave it response which throws it all out of balance and leaves you powerless, without dignity or respect. I think you have to be assertive. I would not advise leaving as that could be disastrous, but I'd find a way to make him reevaluate his thinking.
Author splinter Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 ruffling of hair/bumping with hip/ staring/ standing with sides touching. Just awkward physical affection in my prescence
Drseussgrrl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You know this bothers you and that there's something not right about it but you keep making excuses for it.
veggirl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I have little relationship experience and feel like maybe all men have an ex tagging along? Any men thoughts on the subject? All your replies are deeply appreciated Um no all men do not have exes "tagging along". I've never dated a guy with an ex still in the picture. additionally he claims they are not even exes because they never had a serious 'mature' relationship yet says she is his first love. Are any of you friends with your teenage years first loves? Nope, I'm not friends with my first love. If I saw him in passing, I would say hello and whatnot, but we don't hang out or text or anything. ruffling of hair/bumping with hip/ staring/ standing with sides touching. Just awkward physical affection in my prescence Oh, so flirting.
Author splinter Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 You are very right. I hate crazy jealous women and have never wanted to be one, I find myself an intelligent, attractive and funny individual and dont get jealous for small reasons. I am worried I am going to let him go when it couldve been fixed
veggirl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You are very right. I hate crazy jealous women and have never wanted to be one, I find myself an intelligent, attractive and funny individual and dont get jealous for small reasons. I am worried I am going to let him go when it couldve been fixed It can be fixed. Easily. But not by you. 2
Drseussgrrl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Are you sure there's not just a part of you that doesn't want her to "win"?
Author splinter Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 A large part of me actually sees it as a great relationship going to waste because he couldnt recognize a catty woman posing as a friend. I myself have NEVER made a friends gf uncomfortable and if I have I have backed right off and tried to make friends with her if anything. Perhaps it is just two classes of women
Author splinter Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) I have stooped low lately and checked his phone(i know its wrong just had a really bad gut feeling) and found out she has also asked him to pick her up from a few hours away when she didn't have a ride home as well as proclamations that he is one of her greatest friends and shes so glad hes in her life. He said he would pick her up but she changed her mind last second and said she found a way home. What are the chances of him actually wanting a friendship with her but being too oblivious to see that she wants to make sure he still has some form of attachment to her? I realize it sounds like I am trying to talk myself into staying when all the red flags are there, but I do truly love this guy and would drop anything for him in an instant, too bad his ego or obliviousness are in the way of giving back Edited November 29, 2012 by splinter
silvermercy Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) Totally and utterly NOT acceptable. The "we're just friends" line is just typical in such situations. Be careful! If this is not cut to the core soon, it's going to progress even further despite both of their denials. Her ex-bf was right. (Good think he's her ex actually; he dodged a bullet). You and her ex-bf are not paranoid as your husband and his lady "friend" try to make you believe. You are actually totally right to be extremely bothered! Also not sure if I understood this part: they went to the cinema together!? If yes, that looks like a date! No married man should ever do this given the circumstances! Also, your husband should be more considerate of YOU and HE shouldn't make you choose between you and this lady "friend". What the hell was that!? Be careful or he's going to blame-shift and accuse YOU as controlling, when he's the one in the wrong. He doesn't seem to be very bothered about this marriage, does he??? PS: I think you should talk to her ex-bf more. He'll help you realize you're not crazy or hormonal. There IS a reason they broke up... Edited November 29, 2012 by silvermercy
freestyle Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I think your concerns are legitimate. She's completely disrespecting your boundaries by being touchy-feely with him, and by calling after hours. It's inappropriate coming from someone who really was "just a friend"-- Doubly so, since this was a former romantic interest. It also raises my eyebrow that she lost her most recent boyfriend, because she's determined to cling to this 'friendship'--she's way too emotionally invested in your bf. "this reminded me of you..." Oh puhleeze--it's blatant flirting. The biggest red flag is the way your bf is dismissing your feelings, however. He needs to be shutting that kind of behavior down, not allowing it, & certainly not encouraging it. If he's drunk-dialing her, too---that's another red flag. Plus- he called YOU "crazy & insecure"??? It's invalidating, and he's trying to make you question your own judgment, to take the spotlight off of HIS dubious behavior. (Gaslighting 101) You're going to need to take a firm stance on this, if you want to preserve the relationship. Opposite sex friends who say or do ANYTHING that undermines the primary relationship, need to be introduced to the curb. 1
freetolove Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 DO NOT LET HIM WALK ALL OVER YOU. DRAW A LINE OR CUT HIM LOOSE. believe me, I'm more like him then I wish to admit OR, go grab you own eye candy. I"M SERIOUS.
pbjbear Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Id honestly break up with him. Youve tried several times and it hasnt gone anywhere. The fact he is ignoring your reasonable thoughts and needs for a girl he met in highschool pretty much speaks how committed he is Im all for having opposite sex friends...but the stuff you described him doing...the only male friends that have done that stuff to me were overly flirtacious male friends of mine or ones that liked me 1
GSB81 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Not sure why previous posters think you two are married... Anyway, I went through something similar with a girl I fell pretty hard for. She was BEST friends with her ex and worked closely with him. It's the old "best friends with my ex" con that allows them to have their cake and eat it too. Your boyfriend's ex sounds like a vulture circling your relationship. It will only stop if he wants it to and it sounds like he's enjoying the extra attention. Find my first and only thread here, it's in this same section and has some good insight in it that really helped me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 additionally he claims they are not even exes because they never had a serious 'mature' relationship yet says she is his first love. Are any of you friends with your teenage years first loves? Yes, I am. We exchange some "catch up" emails once or twice a year. If he were visiting my state, I would invite him to dinner with my husband and me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 What are the chances of him actually wanting a friendship with her but being too oblivious to see that she wants to make sure he still has some form of attachment to her? IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. He is disrespecting your relationship and your feelings. That is showing you enough. Why wait until you have evidence that they're messing around?
geegirl Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 (edited) It seems that he is willing to forsake his relationship with you in order to continue his "friendship" with her. That is very telling. I would think he would have much more invested in you, and with that being said would make the necessary accommodations to respect your needs rather than prioritize his and her needs. "I am trying to talk myself into staying when all the red flags are there, but I do truly love this guy and would drop anything for him in an instant, too bad his ego or obliviousness are in the way of giving back." I understand you love the guy and would drop it all for him but that's all nice if it's reciprocated and it doesn't look like he would do the same for you. Love doesn't justify disrespect. It's not about his ego or obliviousness. There's more to this than just ignorance. You just don't want to accept it. Edited November 30, 2012 by geegirl 1
Author splinter Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Not sure why previous posters think you two are married... Anyway, I went through something similar with a girl I fell pretty hard for. She was BEST friends with her ex and worked closely with him. It's the old "best friends with my ex" con that allows them to have their cake and eat it too. Your boyfriend's ex sounds like a vulture circling your relationship. It will only stop if he wants it to and it sounds like he's enjoying the extra attention. Find my first and only thread here, it's in this same section and has some good insight in it that really helped me. Thank you for the extra reading and all the replies. When reading someone else's similar situation the first thing that popped into mind was theyve figured out a way to have their cake and eat it too(whether intentionally or subconsciously). My mother has always said that when something feels off it usually is but we try and talk ourselves into accepting it (for love? Not wanting to rock the boat?) when inside we know it is wrong wrong wrong...and that ain't kosher!
FitChick Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Tell your boyfriend that if he is such good friends with her he should try to fix her up with some other guy so she can be as "happy as we are." If he balks say, "It sounds like you'd be jealous if she dated someone else." I'd suggest she tell him that she'd be more comfortable if all of his contact with her was with you present, either in person or on the phone. He can still have contact with her but only under those circumstances.
InJest Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Splinter, if you had real boundaries, this would be over already. The truth is, you really don't trust him, but you don't want to 'lose' to this other girl. The writing on the wall is clear, and it seems you can read it pretty clearly. You just lack the backbone to do anything about it. You will look like a fool when your clinging to this broken relationship blows up in your face. Hopefully you'll return so I can laugh.
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