Old Ex in the picture, what is normal and what is disrespectful?

[splinter]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and he treats me well in other areas. In the past year his high school sweetheart (dont believe they slept together however he still relates to her as his first love) broke up with her boyfriend and has been around.

 

I find her to be a nice girl on other counts but she continuously texts and calls him with ' i saw this and it reminded me of you' lines etc. She woke us up at 1 am on his birthday just calling to wish him well. He knows this bothers me and after being respectful about telling him it makes me uncomfortable he tells me they are just friends and always will be. she was recently at a mutual friends gathering and after being too touchy with him i made a comment about it being innapproriate. She pulled me aside and told me on very nice terms that there was nothing to worry about and they were just friends. i let it slide until i finally broke down recently when they went out to see a movie and he drunk dialed calling her to say hello while walking past her house on the way home from the bar. I told him that eventually he is going to have to choose their friendship or me or im leaving. His response was that he wouldnt choose since there was no problem with her and shes just a friend. He has said that either i trust him or i dont and if i dont to leave. I do trust him to never cheat on me however I do not feel this is about trust, it is about inappropriate boundaries.am i just being an insecure emotionally-charged woman or do i have reason to worry seeing as how they never slept together and were high school friends? How should i approach the situation? He has also told me that she has confided in him that one of the reasons she broke up with her boyfriend was that he didnt like her talking to him, as a result he has said i am crazy and insecure if she thinks the same way as him

[Treasa]

So this guy who's been your boyfriend for three years is being ambivalent about what he values more - keeping you or keeping his ex-girlfriend from HIGH SCHOOL around? OMG. Cut him loose. If he doesn't respect your feelings, and it sounds like he doesn't, then he's not prioritizing correctly.

 

At the very least, he could have just kept her as a casual friend. It definitely seems like there's something more, though. I used to worry so much about not being controlling that I would let my boyfriends treat me however they wanted to, and I suffered silently for YEARS, thinking if only I were prettier, made more money, blah blah blah. It did considerable damage to my self-respect because I never took a stand and told them where they could take their crappy treatment.

 

I say you stand up for what you want. If he doesn't respect that, F him.

 

I've wasted too many years of my life on losers who never deserved a chance with me to begin with. I wouldn't put up with this crap now.

[Trixis4kidz]

Your boyfriend is being disrespectful to you and most certainly will either leave you for her or cheat on you with her. This is a guarantee that sometime in the future if it hasn't already happen will happen.

 

The fact that he throws it in your face that, he's going to be friends with her and you either take it or you can leave, should let you know exactly how much he doesn't value your relationship with him. That in other words it's more important to be friends with her, then to have you in his life.

 

Don't fall in to the accusations of your being insecure or crazy. I highly doubt he would feel comfortable if the situation were reversed and you were hanging out, texting, and carrying on with someone who was the love of your life. If he can't understand that respect that you DESERVE in a relationship - then why waste your time?

[splinter]

He has told me that he doesnt like seeing me upset but that he can handle/make decisions in his own life without me needing to worry because the only one he loves is me?

[Treasa]

Cop out. He's a big boy. He can make decisions like this. He's choosing not to because it's easier to let you feel like the crazy one than it is for him to choose between the two of you. It's really rather perfect. This way he gets both girls, and he leaves you off balance and questioning what you know is wrong.

[dasein]

He's lying to you. There is still some spark there, it bothers you, and that should be enough for him to step up and terminate this relationship. She knows exactly what she is doing, and what you actually see and know about is likely only the tip of it. Common sense would dictate she not be grabby with a "just friends" ex in front of his long time GF. She has an obvious agenda and it's to wreck your relationship. She needs to go or BF does. He's being an ass.

[splinter]

whqt are the chances they really are just friends? what boundaries should be in place/expected of an ex?

[dasein]

I don't see any reasonable "just friends" angle here, but of course all we have to go on is your posts. Lots of emotional content in their frequent contacts, her recent breakup and contact not going on while she was involved, touchy feely in front of you, he calls her at night when near her house, he is defensive and resistant about a reasonable concern of yours instead of accommodating. That last one is the main one IME.

[splinter]

To me his words are saying one thing (friends/trust me) and his actions another (meeting up alone/late night texts and voice mails). Just want to give the benefit of the doubt as I do sincerely love this man and would do anything for him if the situation was reversed.

 

In retrospect he has said he would have no problem with me hanging out/being friends with an ex. Thoughts on this? Would someone guilty of feelings for their ex say this?

[Mme. Chaucer]

No, it's not acceptable. He is being disrespectful of you and she is being disrespectful of your marriage. And I am a proponent of real friendships between opposite sex people, even married ones - but real firm boundaries need to be in place.

 

It's a serious problem, though, because I don't think you are getting anywhere with your husband by expressing your feelings and concerns - and I really don't think that you are ready to leave him over this. Are you?

[dasein]

What he says is noise and self-serving. I don't know anyone who would be AOK with this type of thing going on.

 

To reiterate a test, what was their level of contact when she was involved? If less than now, then it's plain what's going on here. Did you and your BF ever do couples type things with her and her BF? If she was really just a good ole pal from HS, these things would have happened and this level of contact going on while she was involved, and you would likely be friends with her and her ex equally. HS sweetheart becomes available, emotional contact surges going both ways, he is defensive and reactive when SO states her concerns, this isn't rocket science.

[splinter]

When we first started dating we had a problem with his most recent ex kicking around and after many tears and arguments he agreed to not see her/contact her as it was detrimental to our relationship. I believe he has kept his word on this front

 

Then within 6 months this issue starts with a new ex, but he is blatantly refusing to see that it is the same situation as he says they dated from elementary to beginning of HS and was never an adult relationship (albeit he still calls her his first love)?

 

Your replies are deeply appreciated!

[veggirl]

Dasein is on the money. I'm guessing their friendship was much more of an acquaintence thing when she had a boyfriend and now that she is single, it is escalating. They hang out alone, late at night? How is that appropriate?

 

OF COURSE someone who is guilty would say "you can be friends with an ex", that's to make you question your own feelings and make it look innocent when I highly doubt it is.

 

If they are such GREAT friends, why is it just re-igniting in the past year? Why haven't they been great platonic friends in the 2 yrs before that when you were with him?

[splinter]

Apparently they would occassionally hang out while he was with his most recent ex (He said she was fine with it but alas where is she now-she left him because she didnt feel loved enough)

the first few years we were dating she would contact him around xmas and holidays while she was in town asking to hang out but they never did (pretty certain of it)

 

However she would post questionable things on his FB such as 'I found my pink teddy bear in the closet the other day, do you still have the matching one?' etc etc

[Drseussgrrl]

Why are you putting up with this?

[splinter]

Every time i bring it up he claims I have nothing to worry about and they are just friends. He does treat me well in other areas and is a compassionate/funny/caring man. I have little relationship experience and feel like maybe all men have an ex tagging along? Any men thoughts on the subject? All your replies are deeply appreciated

[Drseussgrrl]

No not everyone has an ex tagging along. The most I get is an email on my birthday once a year. As it should be.

 

She knows exactly what she's doing posting that crap on his FB profile knowing it's going to rattle you. Waking you up at 1 am? WTF is that.

 

Even if he says you have nothing to worry about, it doesn't sit well with you and that should be enough for him to tell her to grow up and leave him alone.

 

But he's not and instead flipping it around on you, making you feel insecure and crazy.

 

NO. Just NO.

[dasein]

Instead of being defensive and trying to gaslight you with "nothing to worry about," he should be saying, "I understand your concerns, I respect and value you and our relationship and will reduce contact with this person to an infrequent casual acquaintance level." That's what reasonable, innocent people do when faced with this type of issue.

[Lil1]

I think people that still keep their exes around as 'friends' are insecure and need the constant validation that they can have someone else if they wanted to.

 

The only successful friendships I have ever seen when it comes to exes is among older people who share children, are self assured, and confident in their current relationships. In these instances both parties understand boundaries and there is never any hanging out late at night or going to the movies with just each other.

 

If there are no children in the mix there is no need to remain friends with an ex.

 

Your guy is an insecure man looking for validation elsewhere. Waste of time in my opinion.

 

Follow your heart and dont be fooled. Good luck!

[splinter]

I believe it is an issue of not wanting to be controlled for him. However I see controlling him as telling him he cant be friends with someone who was constantly around when our relationship started, not someone who was sporadically aroundand then appeared much more when single

 

It is hard because if this was going on when we began I wouldve walked away without a second thought to it, but now I feel like there is so much invested to let a catty woman ruin our otherwise flawless relationship

Edited November 29, 2012 by splinter

[splinter]

additionally he claims they are not even exes because they never had a serious 'mature' relationship yet says she is his first love. Are any of you friends with your teenage years first loves?

[dasein]

It's a catch 22 and his selfish attitude the cause of it. If this causes trouble in the relationship, she wins, she gets what she wants. If you do nothing, the situation will likely escalate, and in ways you probably won't even be privy to. Sorry you are in this rock and a hard place situation. Quality partners won't put you in those types of situations.

 

The best thing you can hope for is that she meets someone else. Then watch as the contact between your BF and her goes back to a normal acquaintance type level. At that time, you would sit your BF down and tell him it's transparent what went on, and that kind of thing is completely off the table as reasonable behavior in the future. If he throws attitude, dump him. He isnt that great a guy based on his conduct in the thread IMO.

[Drseussgrrl]

Honey your instincts are usually right and no woman would be ok with this.

[dasein]

additionally he claims they are not even exes because they never had a serious 'mature' relationship yet says she is his first love. Are any of you friends with your teenage years first loves?

 

This is also noise, having never had sex doesn't matter, their connection is emotional which can be just as damaging to your relationship as a history of physical would.

 

I have some women in my past who I am still in FB level contact, but I'm not involved atm. There are a few women who I never slept with that I would know as a matter of common sense not to maintain contact with if involved. Sex is not the only kind of romantic connection or intimacy between men and women that can affect current relationships negatively.

[Lil1]

You are not letting a catty woman do anything. He is the one making his decisions. He has decided to remain on a very friendly level with her knowing full well how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

 

Believe me and everyone here who tells you that there is just no way he would be ok with this if the tables were turned.

 

I'm not suggesting that you go and befriend all your exes. Just give this situation space. Reiterate to him how you feel and let time show you what is in his heart. Focus on yourself a little more. Go out with friends, accomplish goals for yourself. Dont forget to live your own life. In time, when your focus isnt solely on him and your relationship you will gain clarity and perspective. You will see him and his actions for what they really are. Love yourself first lady! Dont ever settle for anything less than what you would give.