Ladydrib Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Owl that is excellent advice. I just feel that it is too easy to say I want to be with the AP she makes me feel alive in love etc. But from what I learned on this site that is not a decision to made solely on those grounds. I have read here in many posts that the decision to be with the AP rarely works out for the AP's. Before I create any more havoc I need to make the best informed decision I can. There is no manual when you have an A. We all come to this site after we are in these situations. Stop believing what other people say and find the answers for yourself. Only you can know how you truly feel. And sometimes we have to just take risks. But if you just try to pretend like it didn't mean anything because it was an affair, then it's like sweeping dirt under a rug, and you'll probably end up cheating on your wife eventually, again. This is why you need to answer the questions for yourself and not rely on what you read.
Ladydrib Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 The MOW follows through and gets a divorce and you stay put. It seems women have more balls than men. She didn't leave him FOR me. She talked about needing to leave him for years because of the verbal abuse. She was scared to make a move and she worried about her kids. Until the A she never had the confidence to leave him. If anything good came of this A it is that. Yes I whole heartily agree women have more balls than men. Rationalization. Just make a command decision and believe in it. That's all it takes to have 'balls'.
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I don't believe anyone should base their decision to do the right thing (being honest about the affair) on whether or not their spouse did the right thing (suspicion that his wife had an affair). People are responsible for their own behavior, don't sink into being a liar just because your spouse (maybe) did. Here's a massive thread on reasons why you should be honest with your spouse: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/319462-new-here-married-woman-who-had-affair-just-ended-good-i-hope 1
Ladydrib Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I am tormented by the lie. If you tell her the truth and stay, you're signing up for a life of fighting and little trust. It won't be pleasent. If you already did not value your marriage enough not to cheat, it's highly unlikely that you'll find it satisfying after this is exposed. You may as well leave now.
Decorative Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 It was not the OW. If you think your wife cheated -why did you not say that originally? You described her as cold- but you never mentioned the cheating until people started telling you to be honest with your wife, and pointing out how deceptive the OW is. Why is that? Why hold back pertinent information? In my experience - things like that get held back because they are not true. They are added as a persuasive point later on. That's a pretty big factor to gloss over.
Decorative Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 If you tell her the truth and stay, you're signing up for a life of fighting and little trust. It won't be pleasent. If you already did not value your marriage enough not to cheat, it's highly unlikely that you'll find it satisfying after this is exposed. You may as well leave now. That is not true. Marriages can reconcile and be quite happy- once the truth hits sunshine, if the partners choose that path. 4
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 You said "this is not a situation of trying to have my cake and eat it too" YES IT IS! I don't see ANYTHING in your post that says you will divorce and be with her! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU! Poor, poor you - you cheated - kept your wife and want to keep the OWW too! THAT IS cake eating! Your denial is so thick you can't slice through the bs you're telling yourself. How about how your WIFE feels? She's been CHEATED out of a husband, marriage and father to her kids! And the OW had expectations that YOU lived her ENOUGH to be with HER! YOU love ONLY YOURSELF! You need help finding some compassion for others as well as finding a conscience.
ComingInHot Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Whatstheanswer; Read every post. Became physically I'll. Got sick twice. Quitting LS. Advice to you... you need to go very far away from your wife and children. All females. Thanks so much for reinforcing the stance that cheaters ( like YOU) have no empathy or compassion at all. 1
turnera Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 That is not true. Marriages can reconcile and be quite happy- once the truth hits sunshine, if the partners choose that path.66% of marriages survive infidelity. How do you like your odds?
Tenacity Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 66% of marriages survive infidelity. How do you like your odds? 66% of marriages in some survey somewhere may have survived infidelity, but it isn't generalizable for any given situation. Way too many subjective differences in particular situations. Each situation is too unique to generalize to stats where the background and situational details are both largely unknown and also not replicated.
Decorative Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 66% of marriages survive infidelity. How do you like your odds? Is this directed to me?
Tenacity Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Is this directed to me? I wondered about that too?
96nole Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I don't know... maybe he expected a little civility and understanding and compassion because he is a human being who has admitted to making mistakes? Is that really so much to ask? In this case, yes it is. He came on a board full of BS's telling his story of cheating on his wife with a OW who was cheating on her husband. He then tries to justify their cheating. He then starts getting the cold hard truth from various posters and he wasn't ready for it. He didn't like that he was called a cake eater and some other comments. But the truth of the matter is he was a cake eater. He is in this situation completely by is own doing. He is the one who put himself between a rock and a hard place. He is the one who put himself in the no win situation. If he hides his affair, then it eats him up inside. If he tells his wife, he will hurt her deeply. His children will also be hurt. No matter what, someone is going to get hurt. There is no easy fix. And he won't be able to fix it alone. I, and obviously many others on here, have little compassion for someone that knowingly and willingly hurt others. When a suicide bomber blows up a bus and kills a handful people, do you feel compassion for the bomber? Obviously, an actual bomb is not going off and nobody is getting killed. But, he has set off a metaphorical bomb in his family. They just don't know they are being blown up yet. To the OP: Unless your wife is going to be OK with you cheating, you are going to get much worse from her than anything we can type on this message board. If you can't take what a bunch of anonymous people on the internet have to say, then you really are in for it when you look into the eyes of your wife after she hears the news. She is going to feel much worse than you are. Take clues from how other BSs on this board are reacting. Who knows, if you tell her maybe she'll tell you she's known and was glad you were getting it somewhere else while she concentrated on the kids. I doubt it though. There isn't anymore advice that can be given at this point. Somebody is going to get hurt. Who's it going to be? 2
turnera Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Is this directed to me? No, I was talking to OP. And the 66%, I had researched it earlier today for someone else. Every link I found gave around the same statistics.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 In this case, yes it is. He came on a board full of BS's telling his story of cheating on his wife with a OW who was cheating on her husband. He then tries to justify their cheating. He then starts getting the cold hard truth from various posters and he wasn't ready for it. He didn't like that he was called a cake eater and some other comments. But the truth of the matter is he was a cake eater. He is in this situation completely by is own doing. He is the one who put himself between a rock and a hard place. He is the one who put himself in the no win situation. If he hides his affair, then it eats him up inside. If he tells his wife, he will hurt her deeply. His children will also be hurt. No matter what, someone is going to get hurt. There is no easy fix. And he won't be able to fix it alone. I, and obviously many others on here, have little compassion for someone that knowingly and willingly hurt others. When a suicide bomber blows up a bus and kills a handful people, do you feel compassion for the bomber? Obviously, an actual bomb is not going off and nobody is getting killed. But, he has set off a metaphorical bomb in his family. They just don't know they are being blown up yet. To the OP: Unless your wife is going to be OK with you cheating, you are going to get much worse from her than anything we can type on this message board. If you can't take what a bunch of anonymous people on the internet have to say, then you really are in for it when you look into the eyes of your wife after she hears the news. She is going to feel much worse than you are. Take clues from how other BSs on this board are reacting. Who knows, if you tell her maybe she'll tell you she's known and was glad you were getting it somewhere else while she concentrated on the kids. I doubt it though. There isn't anymore advice that can be given at this point. Somebody is going to get hurt. Who's it going to be? And this is just the beginning of the pain a cheater causes to many. Justifying the behavior allows the cheater to deceive himself about who he really is and the pain he's really causing. Denial - delusional = yep.
Tenacity Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 In this case, yes it is. He came on a board full of BS's telling his story of cheating on his wife with a OW who was cheating on her husband. He then tries to justify their cheating. He then starts getting the cold hard truth from various posters and he wasn't ready for it. He didn't like that he was called a cake eater and some other comments. But the truth of the matter is he was a cake eater. He is in this situation completely by is own doing. He is the one who put himself between a rock and a hard place. He is the one who put himself in the no win situation. If he hides his affair, then it eats him up inside. If he tells his wife, he will hurt her deeply. His children will also be hurt. No matter what, someone is going to get hurt. There is no easy fix. And he won't be able to fix it alone. I, and obviously many others on here, have little compassion for someone that knowingly and willingly hurt others. When a suicide bomber blows up a bus and kills a handful people, do you feel compassion for the bomber? Obviously, an actual bomb is not going off and nobody is getting killed. But, he has set off a metaphorical bomb in his family. They just don't know they are being blown up yet. To the OP: Unless your wife is going to be OK with you cheating, you are going to get much worse from her than anything we can type on this message board. If you can't take what a bunch of anonymous people on the internet have to say, then you really are in for it when you look into the eyes of your wife after she hears the news. She is going to feel much worse than you are. Take clues from how other BSs on this board are reacting. Who knows, if you tell her maybe she'll tell you she's known and was glad you were getting it somewhere else while she concentrated on the kids. I doubt it though. There isn't anymore advice that can be given at this point. Somebody is going to get hurt. Who's it going to be? I don't disagree with you or anything you have said, 96nole. I was in an A for going on 8 years now. I have been through it all - including having a child with my ex-MM who he didn't acknowledge (she died). As I said in another thread earlier tonight, I am the poster child for making screwed-up mistakes that end up ruining a decade of life. So I don't disagree with you at all. The OP is a new poster here - he had no way of knowing that most of the replies he received would be from the perspective of the BS. Either way, I do think there is a way to say things that make it more likely that the message will be listened to and received instead of instantly turned away. That is not just my opinion - that is proven. There are a lot of people on here - in my opinion - who have a great deal of good information to give, but it gets lost in the hostile delivery. That was my point. There is a lot to be said for some compassion and understanding for human nature, especially when people admit their mistakes and want to do the right thing next (as this OP does, at least in my opinion). He isn't all the way on the right track but he's struggling to get there - he seems genuine - why can't he be given the benefit of the doubt?
turnera Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Tenacity, I'm so sorry you lost your child.
jnel921 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 You say you are I love with the OW? Why? You don't care for her baggage, the fact that she has no money, job, has three kids and now wants you to step in? I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your wife. She should kick her a$$ and yours too for smiling in her face every night and then sneaking off in the end to hurt her. 3
Tenacity Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Tenacity, I'm so sorry you lost your child. Thank you so much turnera
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 There are a lot of people on here - in my opinion - who have a great deal of good information to give, but it gets lost in the hostile delivery. That was my point. There is a lot to be said for some compassion and understanding for human nature, especially when people admit their mistakes and want to do the right thing next (as this OP does, at least in my opinion). Perhaps the best post I have read on this board.
Furious Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I don't disagree with you or anything you have said, 96nole. I was in an A for going on 8 years now. I have been through it all - including having a child with my ex-MM who he didn't acknowledge (she died). As I said in another thread earlier tonight, I am the poster child for making screwed-up mistakes that end up ruining a decade of life. So I don't disagree with you at all. The OP is a new poster here - he had no way of knowing that most of the replies he received would be from the perspective of the BS. Either way, I do think there is a way to say things that make it more likely that the message will be listened to and received instead of instantly turned away. That is not just my opinion - that is proven. There are a lot of people on here - in my opinion - who have a great deal of good information to give, but it gets lost in the hostile delivery. That was my point. There is a lot to be said for some compassion and understanding for human nature, especially when people admit their mistakes and want to do the right thing next (as this OP does, at least in my opinion). He isn't all the way on the right track but he's struggling to get there - he seems genuine - why can't he be given the benefit of the doubt? I agree that compassion should be granted to those who are struggling and in need of advice. Compassion from others is best achieved when someone owns their mistakes instead of blame shifting and double talking. For years this man has claimed to love the OW, and then when she asks for a true commitment he describes her as baggage, and in the same breath blames his wife for the reasons he cheated in the first place. The moment his pity party is interrupted he cries foul rather than owning his role in the mess he created. He assumed he'd get cheap compassion rather than having to look in his own mirror. He regards the best advice from those that responded is from a poster who told him to dump the OW and not give his wife the truth. And yet he wants compassion, and is insulted by not being coddled by the other posters. 2
waterwoman Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I came to this site looking for answers for something I have never had to deal with before. What I found was a lot of judgmental people and name callers. I am not a saint I am a liar and a cheater. I don't deny that. So is the OW and so is my wife. If I could go back and undue what I have done I would but I cant. I can attempt to fix things. Sorry. How is your wife a liar and a cheat?
waterwoman Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 OK, you answered my last question. But why didn't you mention it earlier? You want compassion and advice. I can give compassion. FWIW I am sorry for your situation. It must be sh*t. Regardless of who's fault it is. You are suffering and I am sorry for that. Advice? Tell your wife. A lie like that is too big to keep hidden in a marriage. It was test your love for your wife to the utmost because she will break her heart, she will be angry, hurtful, distraught by turns. It will be very very uncomfortable for a long time. And if you can stand that, and still stay and want to rebuild, there is a chance it will work. Assuming she doesn't kick you to the curb of course. This decision is not just yours to make.
Minnie09 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I agree with everybody so far. Good advice given. I also want to tell the op that it makes no sense to drag your W into mc if you decide to stay together. Resolve your issues first in IC. It's very unfair to hide and lie and then expect from your W to work on the m together with you. She doesn't know the facts. How can she go to mc if she's being deceived? What good would that do? It's nothing but a waste of money, because the m would still be built on lies even during/after mc. What are you going to tell the counselor when you're sitting on their couch with your spouse? "WE have problems" ?? It won't work that way. It's unfair. It's almost worse than what you're doing to her now. For her it would be like working on something and putting an effort into something and spending money on something that she isn't even aware of. How would that even work? It's not going to. She's not clued in = She can't work on anything. Don't waste her time and money just to buy a cover up through MC. Because that's a it would be. More deceit, more lies, cover up, cop out.* 2
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