yongyong Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I am pretty damn sure women will Say they appreciate when a guy understands the flaws they have. But from real experience I have, I don't think it will work that way. One current example. this woman was several years older than me and had three kids. She was concerned about being too old. so I told her 4 years apart is not that big at all. She talked about having 3 kids and making a mistake in life by getting a divorce. I also told her it's not about the past, it's about who you are right now. It didn't make her feel special at all. she didn't react in a such way. I am younger, was never married and don't carry any baggage. She was in a situation to qualify her. By saying those 'sweet things', I flipped the 'power situation'. I can see why though from her perspective. I can be seen as a desperate guy who will take any type of woman. ('hm you don't mind myself being older and having 3 kids???? do you have standards??') I am not talking about what to do here. A girl talks about her insecurity (having kids, divorce in the past, physical issues and some other issues) and you tell her you are ok with those things. If she appreciates your comments and she got more attracted to you, then I would say keep doing that. Based on my experience, I would stop doing that. I would just show somewhat unpleasant face (hm I didn't know you were like that. I am not sure about this) without insulting her. I wouldn't try to comfort her by making comments it's ok.
udolipixie Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Possibly you were seen as pump & dump as in some gals experience a guy saying 'it's not a big deal' and such is taken as 'it's not a bid deal because I'm just here to bust a nut'. Understandable line of thinking as it seems many times when a guy is simply out for sex he'll go for older gals or gals with kids. Either way it's probably suited to not making any positive comments and just phase through it rather than make a face.
Author yongyong Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 I usually talk as being genuine like your friend would say than just spitting 'it's ok' without showing sincerity. When this girl was talking about she feels like she isn't dressed well compared to other girls, I was telling her it's not about what she is wearing but what's inside. I think this genuine talk can come off as weird since I just met them. The thing is I am not the one who brought up the topic. From now on, when she is saying like 'I think I am too fat' meaning she feels inadequate to be around me and needs to quality her self, I would just leave her at that, possibly looking her down where she is. It's not my responsibility to bring her self-esteem up and there is nothing wrong to leave her feel that way. Possibly you were seen as pump & dump as in some gals experience a guy saying 'it's not a big deal' and such is taken as 'it's not a bid deal because I'm just here to bust a nut'. Understandable line of thinking as it seems many times when a guy is simply out for sex he'll go for older gals or gals with kids. Either way it's probably suited to not making any positive comments and just phase through it rather than make a face.
xdahliax Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I usually talk as being genuine like your friend would say than just spitting 'it's ok' without showing sincerity. When this girl was talking about she feels like she isn't dressed well compared to other girls, I was telling her it's not about what she is wearing but what's inside. I think this genuine talk can come off as weird since I just met them. The thing is I am not the one who brought up the topic. From now on, when she is saying like 'I think I am too fat' meaning she feels inadequate to be around me and needs to quality her self, I would just leave her at that, possibly looking her down where she is. It's not my responsibility to bring her self-esteem up and there is nothing wrong to leave her feel that way. The proper answer is not "it's about what's inside", it's "you do dress as well as the other girls, you've got your own style...that's something I like about you" Saying that "it's about what's inside" just screams "I agree, you look like a slob" Ideally, any girl you date wouldn't need too much reassuring. Your answers still need working on, though. And for goodness sake, don't do the unpleasant face thing. It's a loser thing to do.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 So not true. If I got a guy to be kind to me and accept my flaws, I would love him forever. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 So not true. If I got a guy to be kind to me and accept my flaws, I would love him forever. I believe that it's an important key to a successful relationship. Both people being able to accept the positives AND negatives about each other. And, at the same time, encouraging the other to bring their best while giving their best themselves. 2
Oxy Moronovich Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 OP, I'm sure you've met those guys who try to get women by knocking them down first. They use what's called "neg hits". It's by saying something thoughtlessly insulting to a woman to smash her confidence. Example, "Kathy, you look great. It looks like you lost a lot of weight." The reason why neg hitting is so popular is because women are more receptive to a guy who smashes their confidence than a guy who tries to build them up.
Under The Radar Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 OP, I'm sure you've met those guys who try to get women by knocking them down first. They use what's called "neg hits". It's by saying something thoughtlessly insulting to a woman to smash her confidence. Example, "Kathy, you look great. It looks like you lost a lot of weight." The reason why neg hitting is so popular is because women are more receptive to a guy who smashes their confidence than a guy who tries to build them up. You do realize that those are the women with poor self-esteem and serious "action packed" issues? The same baggage that fosters attraction to "neg hitting" dudes is the same baggage that will manifest itself poorly towards other important aspects of a relationship.
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 You do realize that those are the women with poor self-esteem and serious "action packed" issues? The same baggage that fosters attraction to "neg hitting" dudes is the same baggage that will manifest itself poorly towards other important aspects of a relationship. But, guys who would consciously seek to break down a woman's confidence in order to try to get an "in" with her are necessarily low confidence people themselves. So, could be a sad but appropriate pairing for the intended superficial connection. 1
Under The Radar Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 You do realize nobody said anything about a relationship? You also realize that the hottest women are often the most insecure, right? I've been around the block enough to know that the "hottest" women are generally the highest maintenance.
dasein Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 I find that women who go on and on about their flaws are really expressig disinterest in me, they just don't realize it themselves when they are doing it. Have heard several variations of "I'm not good enough for you," probably around your age, and it always meant "I'm not feeling it with you." 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 If you need to destroy woman's confidence for her to be into you, then you must not be that much of a catch yourself 3
ThaWholigan Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 I find that women who go on and on about their flaws are really expressig disinterest in me, they just don't realize it themselves when they are doing it. Have heard several variations of "I'm not good enough for you," probably around your age, and it always meant "I'm not feeling it with you." Experienced this myself. "I'm not good for you, you should find a nice girl, etc etc". I don't take it seriously to be honest.
todreaminblue Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 I don't see it that way at all, that you cant say how you think about someone ....in my opinion if you tell someone you accept them for who they are its a good thing......i am not one to let on my insecurities to a male in the first place.......normally...unless i feel comfortable with them i become more open still wouldn't say you deserve better than me unless i was breaking up with them...the guys i have dated for longer and had relationships with were charmers....i thought they were honest in the beginning.......they werent so much......doesnt mean i wouldnt date someone now who is charming pleasant or nice to me because i have dated a few players...i would want someone to accept me for who i am.....they wouldnt have to reassure me......dating or getting to know me is normally assurance enough for me..i would assume they like who i am..then i just really listen to what they say....i hope that i can read honesty and sincerity better ....i'm up for improving my stats on that....i think you should be honest with how you think about her when she asks you a specific question just not nasty and a compliment to a woman now and again never goes astray...ps seconding or thirding the not pulling faces.......best wishes....deb
Author yongyong Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 It kind of make sense. maybe they are just saying those as a sign of disinterest. Again, whether they are not interested in you or not, I don't think guys should invest their time to convince the chick they are better than they think they are. (it's therapist's job since they get $$$) I find that women who go on and on about their flaws are really expressig disinterest in me, they just don't realize it themselves when they are doing it. Have heard several variations of "I'm not good enough for you," probably around your age, and it always meant "I'm not feeling it with you." You didn't even read my damn thread. When she talks about her insecurity, Am I obligated to make her feel better? Are you one of those women who occasionally says 'I look fat in this, aren't I'? and expect others to say sweet things? By looking at your avatar, you seem like you are going through rough time. If you need to destroy woman's confidence for her to be into you, then you must not be that much of a catch yourself
Author yongyong Posted December 1, 2012 Author Posted December 1, 2012 Good answer. I will remember it for the future. But she wasn't dressed well at all to be honest. it was singles night out. I think she was wearing some shorts, cheap looking flip flop like shoes, some t shirts. I don't know, I can throw some white lies but I just can't do that when it's too obvious. The proper answer is not "it's about what's inside", it's "you do dress as well as the other girls, you've got your own style...that's something I like about you" Saying that "it's about what's inside" just screams "I agree, you look like a slob" Ideally, any girl you date wouldn't need too much reassuring. Your answers still need working on, though. And for goodness sake, don't do the unpleasant face thing. It's a loser thing to do.
dasein Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 It kind of make sense. maybe they are just saying those as a sign of disinterest. Again, whether they are not interested in you or not, I don't think guys should invest their time to convince the chick they are better than they think they are. (it's therapist's job since they get $$$) When they say the "fishing" things, yes, it's best to give them a hard time about it instead of feeding the fish, but gently. My stock line is "You couldn't possibly be that insecure," while smiling and smacking them on the butt or kissing on the cheek, which is kind of a compliment because you are suggesting that they don't need to be insecure. Have always gotten good response with that line. No idea why, but it often rates a BJ on the spot.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 By looking at your avatar, you seem like you are going through rough time. Yeah Can I have a hug?
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 1, 2012 Posted December 1, 2012 When they say the "fishing" things, yes, it's best to give them a hard time about it instead of feeding the fish, but gently. My stock line is "You couldn't possibly be that insecure," while smiling and smacking them on the butt or kissing on the cheek, which is kind of a compliment because you are suggesting that they don't need to be insecure. Have always gotten good response with that line. No idea why, but it often rates a BJ on the spot. I wouldn't mind this line.
Author yongyong Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 I've seen your picture. I am a good face judger (it's even practiced field in asia) To be honest, you seem like a good woman. Maybe you are in a situation like a puppy in a shelter who can't trust the new owner right away Yeah Can I have a hug? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 I've seen your picture. I am a good face judger (it's even practiced field in asia) To be honest, you seem like a good woman. Maybe you are in a situation like a puppy in a shelter who can't trust the new owner right away Aw that's very sweet I didn't expect this from you.
threebyfate Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 It's the false modesty game if someone's forever pointing out their flaws, especially if they won't change them. This is their way to solicit compliments or sympathy. Really annoying. But if a woman's telling you something only once, it's likely she feels comfortable enough with you to open up. Trust is a relationship builder. In the scenario you've referenced in the opening post, this woman is highly insecure. Being four years older really isn't a big deal and is strange, for anyone to feel insecure about unless she's trying to solicit a "but you're so young looking" compliment. As far as having three kids and divorce regrets, this tells you flat out that she has impulse control issues. Considering how little information about the woman was expressed in the opening post, where the focus appears to be "power" over others by the opening post, one wonders how little the OP understands social cues.
Recommended Posts