He still continued to pursue me, even though I said I did not want casual.

[Kimbra]

I was seeing this guy for about a month and yes, we were already being intimate. I tell him I don't want it to be just casual.

 

At first he was full of compliments. His response after "I will see how it goes" that was it. I did not want to pressure him into a relationship so soon so did not ask anymore questions.

 

A month and a half later. Things still feel like they are not progressing. He always rang and sent texts first, made dates (we did go out in public) days before seeing me.

 

Then again every time I would make dates myself he would cancel last minute (using work as an excuse so I could not argue the reason), would not spend time with me when I had a week off work and still only saw me once a week, if not even that.

 

Seeing those little things got me the courage to speak up and tell him if this was a friends with benefits thing. I did not want to be a part of it. He ends it right there and then. Making me feel like an idiot for not being more upfront with what I wanted more, when he was being vague about things earlier on.

 

Still. I did tell him I did not want casual. Surely he would have known what I had meant by that?

 

I am deeply hurt because I had developed feelings for the guy. I told him a month into it I did not want casual and he still continued to pursue me.

 

I don't get why he just did not tell me friends with benefits was all he wanted a month into it in the first place?

 

Why continue it only to end it like that? Surely he would have known what I meant by not wanting casual?

[naviis]

I was seeing this guy for about a month and yes, we were already being intimate. I tell him I don't want it to be just casual.

 

 

You told him but you didn't do anything about it so... back to what Greznog said.

[ascendotum]

While I appreciate why you did not want to pressure him into a relationship so soon, unfortunately it leave the door open for shifty guys to weasel out with the 'I will see how it goes' response. Sorry you got dumped as soon as you voiced your concern over the nature of the relationship. You did the right thing, and you found out his true colors sooner rather than later, though you still ended up hurt. Try to be a little more circumspect with guy's intentions in the future until their actions match what you want.

 

For sure this happens a lot these days. Greznog reply is spot on...as blunt as it sounds that's the way it is. With more and more of the more desirable guys getting FWB and often multiple concurrent FWBs, the more the guys lower down the ranks are wanting in on the NSA action, except they have to deceive/be vague to get the same outcome. There are still lots of guys who want a relationship but you might have to take the initiative a bit on finding that guy as opposed to just going out with simply the hottest guys that hit on you (not saying you necessarily do this)

[Ninjainpajamas]

He didn't care what you wanted...he just wanted the vagina and he got it for longer than he would have if he just said...

 

Him: "I just want to have sex with you and that's about it..."

 

You: "But I already told you I didn't want to have anything casual"

 

Him: "Well...yeah, but I still want to have sex with you....I mean, I mean I feel like there's something special between us"

 

You: "Oh really? you do? So do I...But I don't want anything casual, I want a relationship though...I really like you, don't you like me?"

 

Him: "Uhhhh yeah I do, but ummm how about...we just see where it goes? it's too early to tell, maybe I'll feel differently later on"

 

You: "Well I'm not sure...you said you didn't want anything serious, but ok, it's still early"

 

Him: :: onn the side:: (AHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL!!)...Ok yeah...let's see where it goes.

 

two months later...

 

You: (assuming you had any vagina balls) "So do you think you want a relationship with me? It's been several months now"

 

Him: "Uhhh well...umm let get back to you on that"

 

::sometime after avoiding the situation and continuing to see you interim, however slowly detaching and talking to you less and less::

 

You: "Are we together? what are we?"

 

Him: "Yeah you know, I was thinking about that and....yeah, I'm not really "ready" for a relationship, my last ex hurt me, I'm all broken hearted and stuff...I'm sorry it's not you...It's me"

 

You: ::you on the inside:: (are you serious! are you kidding me, what about MY feelings! WTF!) "Oh....ok, well...umm I don't know what to say"

 

Him: "Hey you know, I gotta get going...I've gotta run there's this thing going on that I gotta go to"

 

::two weeks later with not a word from him::

 

::text message::

 

Him: "I miss you..."

 

Her: "OMG, I don't know what to do...I really this guy!"

 

::queue music::

 

Hey folks! I am Ninja, your host for today and you've just watched another episode of ::crowd chants:: "String that girl along!"..

 

So Kimbra, how does it feel to be another woman on Loveshack strung along by another guy who pretended it was going somewhere, and develop feelings for him and watch him just walk away after using your for sex? because you decided to give up the sex for free even though you wanted a relationship.

 

:: puts microphone to your face::

Edited November 29, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[IrishCarBomb]

He ends it right there and then.

 

The above sentence is important.

[Kimbra]

Ninjainpajamas

 

LoL. Most of that sounds about right. Feeling pretty stupid for falling for that **** actually. .

 

At least I did not let that drag out for years, which I know some girls do. Just wish I had spoken up sooner after getting such a vague response. Forehead slap. Lesson learnt for next time.

 

I never got a text message from him saying 'I miss you' since I was more upfront with him with what I wanted the second time. Guess I made myself pretty clear then!

 

Greznog

 

Seems pretty pathetic to lie and put on an act? I called him out on his **** also and he denies it but him playing dumb did not work on me after it was all out in the open.

 

Just annoyed at myself I even let myself get into the situation in the first place. Even though it does still hurt when I think about it. Glad I am not involved with someone like that anymore but.

 

 

Any advice on how to avoid guys like this in the future? Being more upfront in the beginning with what I want. Will that be a start?

[annabelle26]

Ninjainpajamas

 

LoL. Most of that sounds about right. Feeling pretty stupid for falling for that **** actually. .

 

At least I did not let that drag out for years, which I know some girls do. Just wish I had spoken up sooner after getting such a vague response. Forehead slap. Lesson learnt for next time.

 

I never got a text message from him saying 'I miss you' since I was more upfront with him with what I wanted the second time. Guess I made myself pretty clear then!

 

Greznog

 

Seems pretty pathetic to lie and put on an act? I called him out on his **** also and he denies it but him playing dumb did not work on me after it was all out in the open.

 

Just annoyed at myself I even let myself get into the situation in the first place. Even though it does still hurt when I think about it. Glad I am not involved with someone like that anymore but.

 

 

Any advice on how to avoid guys like this in the future? Being more upfront in the beginning with what I want. Will that be a start?

 

be too up front = you're desperate/ needy/ clingy

 

dont be up front - this situation

 

honestly been there done that. you cant win. this whole dating charade is a losing game for us girls.

[Andy_K]

Greznog is right I'm afraid. How does that quote go?

 

"A woman may fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship"

 

Really the only thing to do is try to become a good judge of character. More or less any kind of evasive answer or mixed signal is a red flag.

[clia]

Any advice on how to avoid guys like this in the future? Being more upfront in the beginning with what I want. Will that be a start?

 

I don't think telling a guy up front that you want something serious is necessarily the way to go. I think you should try to hold off having sex. A guy won't care what you say or want, once you start giving him sex, and a guy who is really interested in you will wait a reasonable amount of time for sex. It can be very tricky to weed out the non-committal types from the committal types at first, but as time progresses their actions and words usually betray them. In my experience, a month (two at the most) is usually enough time for a guy to decide he wants to have an exclusive relationship with you to explore where things might go.

 

How often were you seeing and talking to this guy? Did it remain constant or did it increase as time went on? It should have been increasing. By the end of the first month, you should have been seeing him 2-3 times a week, and communicating with him 5-7 days a week (even just exchanging a text message or quick phone call). Men who are interested in developing a relationship with you will pick up the pace and show interest -- beyond just planning one date a week or calling you every now and then. Even if he is dating others in the early days, you should eventually get the feeling that you are the one who is rising to the top of the list.

 

Listen carefully to what he says. One thing I've learned is that men often do tell you how they feel -- as women, we sometimes just choose to ignore it. This guy was up front with you in the beginning, and you chose to ignore it and to continue sleeping with him, even though he obviously didn't want to commit to you. Does he talk about the future with you? Does he start using the word "we" instead of "I"? Is he interested in learning more about you?

 

Watch his actions. If he isn't taking steps to make you his girlfriend (i.e. bringing up commitment talk) and to take you off the dating market within a month or two, that should raise a flag. (Note that this doesn't mean he intends to marry you -- just intends to focus solely on you, not date anyone else, and see where it goes.) Does he introduce you to family, friends, co-workers? Does he buy you flowers? Does he do things for you? (i.e. offer to pick up a jug of milk from the grocery store for you since you don't have time to get there, or bring you a cup of coffee from Starbucks when he comes to pick you up). Does he fix things around your house? Does he take you out on Saturday nights? Does he plan when he is going to see you next while you are together? (This is huge!) Does he seem happy when he is with you? Does he get a goofy look on his face when he looks at you sometimes? Does he hold the door open for you? Does he act concerned about your happiness? (i.e., make sure you aren't cold, hungry, thirsty, etc.) Does he plan your dates in advance? Does he make reservations? Does he pay for your dates? Just some examples...

[Kimbra]

Annabelle26

 

It feels that way at times. Maybe multi dating is the way to go... Till one guy steps up and says he wants to be exclusive you are free to date whoever you want.

 

Greznog

 

I have heard about guys who fake relationships. Hence why my eyes were open to those red flags when I was seeing this last one. Just wish I saw the 'I will see where it goes' line as a red flag also and spoke up more. I should have listened to my friend more when she told me. Don't be afraid to loose him.

 

Won't except vagueness with any guy from now on and tell them exactly what is on my mind even at the risk of loosing them. If they don't stick around after. They are not worth my time. It will be a good way of weeding out the duds.

 

Clia

 

For that whole two and a half months I only saw the guy once a week. Every time I tried to make plans when it suited me also, he would cancel last minute which was not good at all.

 

Especially when I had a week off work and he did not bring up wanting to spend time with me during that week off at all. After that I decided to bring up my concerns and that is when he ended it.

 

Yes. He acted like a complete gentleman when we went out on dates. Paid for everything, opened doors up for me and always sent texts telling me he had a great time with me the next day. He was also very polite as well. He sent texts every couple of days actually to see how I was going and telling me about his day. During the day. None of his texts did not contain any sexual content at all. He initiated everything also. Texts, Phone calls.

 

He would always ask me out days before we would meet up. Always seemed to be the same day though which I also thought was a bit odd. Again that is where the work excuse came up.

 

So yeah did get a little bit confused at times when I was seeing him. But glad my eyes were open to those other things also. Did not want to be strung along if it was not going to go anywhere and voiced my concerns.

Edited December 1, 2012 by Kimbra

[TheFinalWord]

I was seeing this guy for about a month and yes, we were already being intimate. I tell him I don't want it to be just casual.

 

At first he was full of compliments. His response after "I will see how it goes" that was it. I did not want to pressure him into a relationship so soon so did not ask anymore questions.

 

A month and a half later. Things still feel like they are not progressing. He always rang and sent texts first, made dates (we did go out in public) days before seeing me.

 

Then again every time I would make dates myself he would cancel last minute (using work as an excuse so I could not argue the reason), would not spend time with me when I had a week off work and still only saw me once a week, if not even that.

 

Seeing those little things got me the courage to speak up and tell him if this was a friends with benefits thing. I did not want to be a part of it. He ends it right there and then. Making me feel like an idiot for not being more upfront with what I wanted more, when he was being vague about things earlier on.

 

Still. I did tell him I did not want casual. Surely he would have known what I had meant by that?

 

I am deeply hurt because I had developed feelings for the guy. I told him a month into it I did not want casual and he still continued to pursue me.

 

I don't get why he just did not tell me friends with benefits was all he wanted a month into it in the first place?

 

Why continue it only to end it like that? Surely he would have known what I meant by not wanting casual?

 

Doobie Bros wrote this for guys, but I think more women need to listen and study the lyrics...

 

Doobie Brothers - What a fool believes - 1979 - YouTube

 

He came from somewhere back in her long ago

The sentimental fool dont see

Tryin hard to recreate

What had yet to be created once in her life

 

She musters a smile

For his nostalgic tale

Never coming near what he wanted to say

Only to realize

It never really was

 

She had a place in his life

He never made her think twice

As he rises to her apology

Anybody else would surely know

Hes watching her go

 

But what a fool believes he sees

No wise man has the power to reason away

What seems to be

Is always better than nothing

And nothing at all keeps sending him...

 

Somewhere back in her long ago

Where he can still believe theres a place in her life

Someday, somewhere, she will return

[NoMoreJerks]

Seeing those little things got me the courage to speak up and tell him if this was a friends with benefits thing. I did not want to be a part of it. He ends it right there and then. Making me feel like an idiot for not being more upfront with what I wanted more, when he was being vague about things earlier on.

 

Still. I did tell him I did not want casual. Surely he would have known what I had meant by that?

 

I don't get why he just did not tell me friends with benefits was all he wanted a month into it in the first place?

Of course he knew what you meant. He thought he could get away with an undeclared FWB arrangement by being vague about the whole thing.

 

Reminds me of my ex. He kept being vague / evading the issue and my attempts at defining the relationship.. I told him in no unclear terms that I did not want a FWB. Every time I brought up that term, he would get jumpy and all defensive.

 

Anyway, he wanted sex, and he wasn't about to leave unless you made it clear to him that you weren't willing to tolerate the situation any longer. When you took a tougher line, he knew YOU would end it if he didn't, and just high-tailed it out of there.

 

His loss, not yours -- better off without a douchebag like him. Consider yourself lucky in that you found out sooner rather than later.

[TheFinalWord]

 

For that whole two and a half months I only saw the guy once a week. Every time I tried to make plans when it suited me also, he would cancel last minute which was not good at all.

 

Especially when I had a week off work and he did not bring up wanting to spend time with me during that week off at all. After that I decided to bring up my concerns and that is when he ended it.

 

Yes. He acted like a complete gentleman when we went out on dates. Paid for everything, opened doors up for me and always sent texts telling me he had a great time with me the next day. He was also very polite as well. He sent texts every couple of days actually to see how I was going and telling me about his day. During the day. None of his texts did not contain any sexual content at all. He initiated everything also. Texts, Phone calls.

 

He would always ask me out days before we would meet up. Always seemed to be the same day though which I also thought was a bit odd. Again that is where the work excuse came up.

 

So yeah did get a little bit confused at times when I was seeing him. But glad my eyes were open to those other things also. Did not want to be strung along if it was not going to go anywhere and voiced my concerns.

 

IMHO he was either seeing someone else or had more than one fling. He's a player.

[Divasu]

Don't be afraid to loose him.

 

Number one piece of advice, for everyone. Fear is the most primal and powerful of emotions', it can teach you a lot about yourself.

[Kimbra]

Greznog

 

Do you think that a guy would start a relationship with a girl regardless if they had sex on the second date or two months into seeing her depending on if he liked her enough to start one.

 

Maybe the timing has to be right for that to happen. Also what are your thought on the girl being upfront before having sex about what she wants to avoid the situation I was in? Wish I had been. That would have saved me from wasting my time on that jerk.

 

NoMoreJerks

 

My thoughts exactly. Agree that this guy tried to get away with an undeclared FWB situation. Yes did notice that he did not bring that up at all. I actually thought that was a good sign till I started seeing a few red flags.

 

Guys don't realise how much confusion this causes a girl. Especially when he seems so sweet and polite (all part of the game I realised around the two and a half month mark when certain things did not seem to add up and be moving forward, hence why I became more upfront with things) and acts like he wants to get to know you and still continues to date and take you out in public.

 

 

The funny thing was he mentions when I call him out on what he was doing was that he did like me, that this was not all an act, that him dating me was not an just attempt to get me into bed.

 

Why high tail out of there if I just ask one simple question though? Especially after mentioning that stuff to me. Sounded like BS to me. Looking back on it.

 

But yes it is over now. Just hate that I got myself into that situation in the first place.

Edited December 2, 2012 by Kimbra

[Kimbra]

TheFinalWord

 

He tells me that he was not seeing anyone else while seeing me. But like I said before. Why even bother mentioning that if you were not even serious about the person in the first place? LoL.

[MyPoutine]

I'm starting to feel this is some kind of right of passage for most women lol.

 

This reminds me of my ex except I was more a "plan B" since we were long distance for the most part.

 

What I've learnt from re-evaluating the situation is ignore your heart and listen to your mind and common sense. Also judge actions not words, anyone can say the right thing to placate you but if the actions don't match then there is a problem.

 

If you order pizza without anchovies and it came with anchovies would you eat it? No, you'd take it back and ask for one without. Now what if they brought it back again with anchovies...you'd leave and go elsewhere.

 

Never mind his words, his actions whatever, dude wants stable effortless pussy and as long as you second guess yourself he will get it. **hugs to you** I know it sucks

[Kimbra]

MyPoutine

 

I was looking for those actions hence why I was more upfront the second time around. Just wish I had seen those sooner!

 

Even if it did take me another month and a half to see them.

 

Know 'seeing where it goes' is a bit of red flag now, with non answers like that and will question that more next time.

 

Oh I was pretty upfront with what I wanted the second time around. Even though I did not even ask for a relationship.

 

I did make it known that I was not going to tolerate friends with benefits anymore. Had the final say after he had already ended it and left it at that.

 

Hence why I have not heard from him since.

 

Could it be possible he was just saying that bull**** to not look like that bad guy?

Edited December 2, 2012 by Kimbra

[TheFinalWord]

TheFinalWord

 

He tells me that he was not seeing anyone else while seeing me. But like I said before. Why even bother mentioning that if you were not even serious about the person in the first place? LoL.

 

I don't know the guy, two sides to every story, but I would say trust your instincts. Don't betray your own self. If you feel the behavior is shady, something is probably up.

[Kimbra]

TheFinalWord

 

Agree with you on that one.