Do you keep in contact with your ex like this?

[TanniJ904]

Hi everyone.

I would appreciate getting your opinions on this situation.

 

If your long-term relationship ended, though not due to a big fight or anything, more like things went sour, petered out and you just stopped talking /seeing each other...would you keep in touch by forwarding emails?

 

Specifically, do you keep your ex on your contact list and pass along those forwarded jokes to them? Just to be "nice"?

 

There isn't any personal text in the email, but you're sending specific email forwards and jokes you think they'd like (such as kittens and dogs because you know he/she is an animal lover, or sports jokes to a baseball fan, etc.).

 

If your BF/GF did this with their ex, would you be upset or concerned?

They say the relationship ended months ago, and they don't "talk", and have no interest in being with the person, but they both email each other these cutesie things 2-3 times a week.

 

If your BF/GF was still emailing their ex (who they claim dumped them), how would you view it?

-as just benign, meaningless, friendly contact-list forwards, no worries, no big deal.

-as a way to remain in their life and keep the communication open

-?? other reasons?

 

If you were the ex receiving emails from the person, how would you view it? As though they wanted you back, or no big deal?

 

Thank you for your opinions.

I just want to know if I'm out of line for assuming the words "it's over and we don't talk anymore, haven't talked at all since" meant no contact, ties are cut, I've moved on --to anyone else but me. Am I wrong to think this type of contact is disconcerting, or is it fairly common these days?

[Mycteria]

Wouldn't be a big deal to me. But then again, my ex is one of my best friends. We visit each other and spend the night at each other's places on a regular basis and there is nothing romantic between us anymore. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Be it with an ex or someone else.

[dasein]

Recent ex from a LTR? No. He should be devoting his emotional energy to keeping you happy and around. I understand mycteria's POV, but to me it's not so much about the likelihood of cheating as having a basic respect for one's current relationship. What it really comes down to is if it bothers you, he should accommodate your reasonable discomfort with it without any kind of struggle. You aren't out of line in this IMO.

[fortyninethousand322]

I still email the last girl I used to "date". Not often but occasionally. She doesn't ever respond though I did talk to her via msn a couple of weeks ago for the first time in a couple of years.

 

When she still had a phone I'd text her too every once in a while with a joke or something like that.

 

I'm not a typical person though...

[Jane2011]

My ex who I was with for five and a half years (2004 to 2010) is one of my best friends now. We don't hang out all the time, but we email and talk on Facebook, text, etc., regularly. Because we're both in the same reading group, we see each other a couple times of month. Before that, we saw each other maybe once every month or every two months.

 

I have a boyfriend now who has expressed no problem with the contact I have with my ex. He's been assured that the ex and I are like brother and sister now (even with squabbling sometimes), and it's true that that's our dynamic. The two guys have even been around each other (in the aforementioned reading group). [Not as if we three went out for dinner together; that wouldn't happen.]

[amaysngrace]

I think it's healthy to be aquaintence-like friends with your ex. It shows you are over it.

[TanniJ904]

I think it's healthy to be aquaintence-like friends with your ex. It shows you are over it.

Really?

To me, it shows you can't or won't let go.

You're trying to remain emotionally connected with someone -- why?

[Mycteria]

Really?

To me, it shows you can't or won't let go.

You're trying to remain emotionally connected with someone -- why?

 

For me it's because he's awesome! I don't want to date him anymore but he's one of the nicest, most interesting guys I know. Why wouldn't I want to remain connected to him? People suck. I like to keep the ones that don't around for a long time, even if we weren't meant for each other romantically. I feel the same way about my most recent ex. I'm pretty sure we're going to be friends for life as well even though we weren't compatible for a LTR. If you're picking your partners right, you should want to be friends with them afterwards. I've only got one ex that I'm not still friends with, and it's because we never should have dated in the first place.

[TanniJ904]

For me it's because he's awesome! I don't want to date him anymore but he's one of the nicest, most interesting guys I know. Why wouldn't I want to remain connected to him? People suck. I like to keep the ones that don't around for a long time, even if we weren't meant for each other romantically. I feel the same way about my most recent ex. I'm pretty sure we're going to be friends for life as well even though we weren't compatible for a LTR. If you're picking your partners right, you should want to be friends with them afterwards. I've only got one ex that I'm not still friends with, and it's because we never should have dated in the first place.

 

How does your new BF or his new GF feel about it?

[amaysngrace]

Really?

To me, it shows you can't or won't let go.

You're trying to remain emotionally connected with someone -- why?

 

Nope. Not at all. If you respected them enough to be intimate with them and you were both respectful during the break-up, then doesn't it make sense that you both truly respect each other? And value one another as people?

 

Why let go of someone that you value?

[DC4]

My ex-husband is one of my best friends. I would rather be deep fried in a vat of oil than date him, but as a person and friend he's awesome. A guy I date has the same thing with his ex-wife. It's a case by case thing, and in our case there's zero cause for alarm.

[dasein]

I think folks are missing one of the points. If it annoys an SO for one to be in contact with an ex, especially a recent one, then it should be NBD to cease contact with that ex provided contact isn't required due to children or shared property. If they were married or dated the ex years ago, it becomes less reasonable. If I'm dating a woman exclusively, then I don't want to hear "the guy I was sleeping with before I met you is just a good friend now, so we are in frequent contact." That's not how exclusive relationships work, but it is how lots of cake eaters operate.

[thatone]

i have zero contact with any girl from my past. i'm friends with a few on facebook but don't communicate with them on there any more or less than anyone else. i might comment on something public if they say something that interests me, otherwise not a word.

 

never even considered any form of private communication with them, and any from them in my direction would get either ignored or a response of "why are you calling me?"

 

that simple question will be answered with a lie 99% of the time, so why participate?

[DC4]

I think folks are missing one of the points. If it annoys an SO for one to be in contact with an ex, especially a recent one, then it should be NBD to cease contact with that ex provided contact isn't required due to children or shared property. If they were married or dated the ex years ago, it becomes less reasonable. If I'm dating a woman exclusively, then I don't want to hear "the guy I was sleeping with before I met you is just a good friend now, so we are in frequent contact." That's not how exclusive relationships work, but it is how lots of cake eaters operate.

 

That's a blanket statement that is just not true. Maybe you've been burned in the past or know people who have been-however that doesn't make it universally true.

 

I couldn't date someone that insisted I couldn't be friends with my ex. It's controlling and it doesn't make sense.

[jakoye]

I think folks are missing one of the points. If it annoys an SO for one to be in contact with an ex, especially a recent one, then it should be NBD to cease contact with that ex provided contact isn't required due to children or shared property.

 

No. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you get to run their life and choose their friends. People resent that sort of stuff. It's only going to lead to trouble in your current relationship.

 

If your SO starts trying to choose your friends for you, then you should run away, and quick. Respect means "I trust you". Cutting a person off from their ex's because you're jealous or insecure is projecting your own mental weaknesses onto another person and onto your relationship. It will do no one any good.

[veggirl]

2-3 times a WEEK?! That is excessive.

 

No I would not be cool with that. I don't date people who are still friends with exes, acquaintences thats okay I guess but contact 2-3x per week? Hell no.

[dasein]

I couldn't date someone that insisted I couldn't be friends with my ex. It's controlling and it doesn't make sense.

 

Read the other very similar ex thread about the HS sweetheart and tell me that. BTW, thread is not about me "being burned" in the past, but OP's situation.

 

My position in the thread is clear, OP hasn't told us how distant an ex this is. If it's a long time ago, OP's position becomes somewhat less reasonable, but still understandable, and something a thoughtful SO will instantly give on without defensiveness or blameshifting. OP hasn't given us much in the way of "true friends" behavior with this ex.

 

If it's a recent ex though? No way should contact be continued with a recent ex while in an exclusive relationship with someone new, especially if that bothers the new SO. It's disrespectful to the SO and the relationship, and a sign of a cake-eating, privileged attitude.

 

No. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you get to run their life and choose their friends. .

 

Straw man, didn't bother reading further.

 

@ the thread generally, I usually post the following as advice to men, but it applies to women too:

 

1. When someone asks you for exclusivity, then is your chance to negotiate your reasonable expectations of what an exclusive relationship should be. One of the first things to establish is between real and fake opposite sex friends. Real friends are easy to spot, your SO will want you to befriend them, will make it happen without excuses popping up, will not engage in emotional type contact with them, are not just drinking/party buddies or people who have expressed a romantic interest and waiting around for their chance, and are -never- recent exes other than as pertains to children and joint property. If distant exes from the past, it's case by case. Go by whether SO wants you to befriend them and makes that happen. Someone who can't make the plain and simple distinction between real friends and back burnered attention supply is a selfish cake-eater you don't want in your life, certainly not to be exclusive with.

 

2. If you don't negotiate and discuss this proactively, even otherwise good prospective SOs will rationalize, straw man and unfairly accuse you of being controlling til the cows come home. People are selfish by nature, but those selfish enough to expect that an exclusive relationship is just an "add-on" to their lives, with no change in their social habits otherwise out of respect for the SO and the relationship, including contacts with questionable "just friends," are immature and not good bets for an exclusive relationship. So get this out on the front end, or you will regret it later.

[TanniJ904]

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate the various opinions.

 

They were sort of a "FWB couple" for about 3 years and the relationship unofficially ended (petered out) after a few rounds of cancelled plans.

 

I was told the relationship was over in July. He said he never called her again, and after a number of weeks without phone contact from her, he considered the relationship over. They never spoke or got together again.

 

I am ok with this: he emails (forwards those jokes) to a few women, one he had a very brief relationship with 5 years ago who is in his social group, one he dated only twice, plus his ex-wife, a couple of platonic friends, and 2 women from a high school reunion website. I also know he has a social group that includes a few single women (and other men) he socializes with.

 

So I have no problem with "friends" or insisting I be the only woman he can talk to. I have always been aware that he has contact with these other women, by email, sometimes phone, often in person, sometimes a text.

 

My issue is with the fact that his sexual relationship ended a few months ago, and I have learned that while they haven't spoken, they've never stopped exchanging cutsie emails.

 

I'm upset about this because I feel deceived. I knew of all his other women-friends, yet I was not aware they were in contact. Perhaps I should have asked?

 

It seems like a lie of omission or a twist on words- "we don't talk" and "we haven't spoken since". I think "we don't talk but I still email her now and then" would have been more truthful.

 

I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel duped when it comes to that particular woman. I'm wondering if I'm wrong to tell him to stop it and cut ties with that woman if he wants to have a relationship with me.

 

His argument is that he's sending FWD emails to his friends and family and me it's no big deal. And my feeling is, why is she a "friend" if you never talk and have no desire to? Why keep in touch then? What's your point?

[amaysngrace]

The point is he has a friendship with her, was involved with her for a few years and is not willing to pretend she doesn't exist. But if you ask him about it then maybe you'll get some answers. It may help put your mind at ease.

 

Either you're a rebound or he genuinely cares about you. Talk to him and find out.

 

But letting it brew inside of you is not accomplishing anything.

[veggirl]

Does he send those emails to other dudes as well? Family members? Or just these chicks he has had sex with or wants to have sex with, so that he can stay on their radar?

[TanniJ904]

Does he send those emails to other dudes as well? Family members? Or just these chicks he has had sex with or wants to have sex with, ?

Everyone- men friends, mom, siblings, family, and me. And I'm sure we've all been forwarded jokes she's sent to him

[zebracolors]

There is only one ex I still talk to because he and I were friends some 10 years before we were ever a couple, which we were a couple for something like 9 years. Some people just realize they make better friends, thats how it was for me. In fact, circumstances were such that because of his incredible generosity, he let me stay and now we are room mates. I pay my share of expenses and help with upkeep. I won't go into detail as I don't want to derail the topic but of course there is lots more to my story than I mention here. But now I consider him a trusted friend. And of course I do intend to move out one day as soon as I am financially able.

 

So this concerns me now that I have begun to start dating again after two years. Because when I meet men who I could potentially date, I want to be able to be honest right off the bat and tell them why I am living in the same place as another man. Im sure that may discourage some men and on some occasions Ive had to say more than once that “I have absolutely zero interest in ever being in an R with him, ever again” to new acquaintances Ive made. I really want to meet someone I can connect with physically and emotionally one day. I guess its just my circumstances that a man will have to want to accept if he truly wants to know me more?

[Mycteria]

How does your new BF or his new GF feel about it?

My most recent ex knew we were friends and didn't mind. He even met him and we all hung out several times. He hasn't had any serious girlfriends since me, just some casual relationships. And none of them minded obviously. I wouldn't date someone that had an issue with it. Because honestly, most relationships don't work out. But my ex and I have been friends for 6 years now. If I had given him up for every guy I've dated since him, I would have ended up losing a friend and losing the guy I was dating anyway.

 

I understand that for some people it a red flag when someone is still friends with their ex, and I completely understand why. But I still believe that if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat either way. If a future partner doesn't want me to be friends with my ex because he's jealous or because he doesn't like the fact that I've slept with someone else, then I don't want to be in a relationship with that person anyway. There is absolutely nothing wrong with their viewpoint, it just doesnt mesh with me personally.

Edited November 30, 2012 by Mycteria