Not enough ambition on my part? What do I do about this?

[sigurpol]

My girlfriend and I met earlier this year and we on a couple dates until later in the year we started talking again. Eventually after many dates, we became exclusive.

 

For the past couple months, things have been awesome. I had assumed I finally met someone who was on the same page with me and things were great.

 

However, one evening she brought up the fact that the job I have isn't much for me and sort of hinted at the fact that I'm "not doing much with myself"

I am 27 and finishing school later than most people and spend time at home because I'm helping out my grandmother. I know most 27 year olds have moved out into the city, gotten careers and such, but that's a different version than what I am.

 

I'm in school working on two theses/resarch papers and finishing my degree this week, I run a scholarship that I founded through a school district, I volunteer my time to a crisis hotline three times a week, I write articles for two different websites, and I work my job. I can be busy.

 

The past few days, I noticed something was up and finally today she lets it all out. She feels like I "have no ambition" and while I say that I'm looking for a better job, I haven't gotten one yet (I'll have my degree in a week). She said it's annoying when we go out and she feels like I'm spending money I don't have for food/drinks. She tells me she "doesn't know who I'm going to be after graduation"- I ask her what all of this means and I never get real answer.

 

She feels like I'm not doing anything with myself and that I "don't know what to do". She also added that she feels like we don't see each other as much (she's also extremely busy, but I see her a lot during the day during the week)

 

I explained that I like to take my time with things and not rush into anything and that I don't plan on being a bum with myself, but making sure I'm comfortable with where I go. She tells me she's not okay with me being "too content"

 

I truly care about this person and want to work things out, but I feel like a lazy piece of **** now. Sometimes all I'd like to hear is that I'm doing a good job, but instead, I feel like a loser who has made all the wrong choices. I don't know if that was her intent, but I certainly don't think much of myself at this point.

 

Before we got off the phone, I asked if she felt better about us talking or if there was anything else she needed to talk about. She just mentioned that she's "unsure about a lot of things" but was going to get going and call me back. When she did, we talked more about the same stuff and I mentioned I wanted to take care of these things that we brought up; I don't want things to fall apart between us. She said, "me too, for the most part". We ended on her telling me that I could text her tomorrow if I wanted to.

 

What the hell should I do?

[Minka333]

Your gf should support you and not pressure you. It's not like your not doing anything. You are busy with school and even helping your grandma.

 

Can't she see and appreciate that?

 

Well, take things at your own time. Be successful at your own pace. You are studying and it's a stepping stone towards reaching your goals. Do not let her comments pressure you. It's your life..your choice.

[dasein]

She has a thoughtful BF with a full, interesting life, and all she can see is $$. Launch.

[sigurpol]

Your gf should support you and not pressure you. It's not like your not doing anything. You are busy with school and even helping your grandma.

 

Can't she see and appreciate that?

 

Well, take things at your own time. Be successful at your own pace. You are studying and it's a stepping stone towards reaching your goals. Do not let her comments pressure you. It's your life..your choice.

 

Thank you, yeah.

 

I'm not sure if I should just end this with her right now, or what.

[sigurpol]

She has a thoughtful BF with a full, interesting life, and all she can see is $$. Launch.

 

Wow. Thank you

 

Tomorrow, if I talk to her, I think I'm gonna have to tell her I need to move on from this if she can't give me any actual answers

[dasein]

Man, I have female friends who would love to have a socially minded guy who has the activities you do, and caretaking family in need comes first for thoughtful people... always. On second thought on the "launch" part, wouldn't exactly lay down the law or give an ultimatum, because it's possible she isn't thinking straight and needs a mild wakeup call about the average quality of people she is likely to meet out there in the bad ole dating pool. You do say you really like her, so "firm but fair" may be the way to go to see if she wakes up. The activities you have and the ways you are choosing to spend your time will lead to good things in time, and a good match will recognize that. At your age it isn't all about numbers on checks.

[sigurpol]

Man, I have female friends who would love to have a socially minded guy who has the activities you do, and caretaking family in need comes first for thoughtful people... always. On second thought on the "launch" part, wouldn't exactly lay down the law or give an ultimatum, because it's possible she isn't thinking straight and needs a mild wakeup call about the average quality of people she is likely to meet out there in the bad ole dating pool. You do say you really like her, so "firm but fair" may be the way to go to see if she wakes up. The activities you have and the ways you are choosing to spend your time will lead to good things in time, and a good match will recognize that. At your age it isn't all about numbers on checks.

 

Thanks for the input, all of that means a lot to me.

 

One of the issues I had before I hung up the second time around was when I asked her, what exactly do we want to resolve here? I reminded her that she got a lot of things off her chest and I want to do whatever I can to work these things out. Her answer was "I don't know"

 

A lot of other things resulted her in saying things like, "I don't know what to expect from here" or a general feeling of confusion.

 

I reminded her that with my last relationship, this thing sort of happened where we became this... not in a relationship but not broken up phase. I can't do those, they hurt too much. I explained that I wouldn't allow myself to end up in something like that again. She told me that she's "not one of my ex's" and I can't compare her to that. I wasn't, but I was letting her know that if she wants to break up with me, then go ahead and do it. She says back, "you're being too understanding and letting me walk all over you". Not sure what that meant.

 

So yeah, part of me wants to just call and say to forget all of this, because so much of it feels like it's gone now; where she said her part and that's the end of it. But another part of me is waiting to see how she reacts after I graduate and all that jazz. Man, I don't know.

[dasein]

Oh, in light of the last post, she knows she is being sh-tty and wants a demonstrative response from you, or is looking for an out for herself. But sorry to say, this one may be done. When the "I don't know how I feel," etc. comes up and breakups come up, something is wrong, and it may have little to do with your ambition. If they ever say "don't let me walk all over you," the instant response should be, "if i felt you were walking all over me, i'd be the one walking, don't ever forget that." Don't let them mistake kindness and good nature for weakness, and sometimes you need to make this abundantly clear.

 

Do lots of your talks end up in these weighty areas as opposed to fun, flirty sexy talk? If so, you may be wearing each other out with angst and drama. Maybe try getting back to light, flirty fun and nix all heavy "relationship" topics for a good long while.

[sigurpol]

Oh, in light of the last post, she knows she is being sh-tty and wants a demonstrative response from you, or is looking for an out for herself. But sorry to say, this one may be done. When the "I don't know how I feel," etc. comes up and breakups come up, something is wrong, and it may have little to do with your ambition. If they ever say "don't let me walk all over you," the instant response should be, "if i felt you were walking all over me, i'd be the one walking, don't ever forget that." Don't let them mistake kindness and good nature for weakness, and sometimes you need to make this abundantly clear.

 

Do lots of your talks end up in these weighty areas as opposed to fun, flirty sexy talk? If so, you may be wearing each other out with angst and drama. Maybe try getting back to light, flirty fun and nix all heavy "relationship" topics for a good long while.

 

None of them have ever ended up in a weighty area, so to speak, they're normally fun conversations where we tell each other we'll see each other soon later on. This is the first time we've really experienced anything dramatic between us, so up until now, nothing to worry about really. This is why most of this really blindsided me, as I had no idea she was thinking about this stuff this much.

[dasein]

Is there a possibility of another guy in the picture? If she is an attractive, social person, they are always there whether you see them or not, and have to be planned for.

[sigurpol]

Is there a possibility of another guy in the picture? If she is an attractive, social person, they are always there whether you see them or not, and have to be planned for.

 

I highly doubt that, but it's something to consider. She really isn't the type and from what I've known about her over this year, that would be way out of character for her

[bolase]

(as a 27 year old female) I really don't think she sees your relationship as positively as you. I mean, you fall for a person, not their situation. Of course, their situation can put you off if it is very dire or they are struggling with an aspect of their life.

 

But firstly, you sound like you aren't - you're doing rewarding things that you deserve respect for, secondly; post graduation MOST young people do not know what they want to do with their life. Unless you do a really prescriptive degree that is part of the battle. That uncertainty means you are considering possibilities for yourself, your mind is open and you have a healthy self-respect. All the people I love that are a similar age have been there. She should not be making you feel BAD for it, that sucks!

 

She's saying things that suggest to me she thinks she's too good for you, then trying to make herself feel better by saying things that suggest you're too nice/too good for her, i.e. that you let her walk all over you. I would leave before it makes you more unhappy, be successful, and it's her loss.

[musemaj11]

No money, no honey.

 

A woman's attraction is highly determined by a man's material value first and foremost.

 

Most men will happily support a woman and a child should they need to. Men are programmed to take joy in taking care of their loved ones.

 

But you are not going to hear about a woman happily supporting a husband let alone loving him.

Edited November 29, 2012 by musemaj11

[Ninjainpajamas]

Just trade her in for a nice girl from Thailand, she'll appreciate you.

 

The bottom line is, if you she isn't there for you when you're down, she doesn't deserve to be there when you're up.

[Ross MwcFan]

How is never being content a good thing? That doesn't really sound like a happy life.

 

It sounds like she's not the right kind of girl for you.

[Ross MwcFan]

Women should love you for 'you', not what job you have got or how ambitious you are.

[sigurpol]

How is never being content a good thing? That doesn't really sound like a happy life.

 

It sounds like she's not the right kind of girl for you.

 

Yeah, that comment went over my head. She asked me what it is I want out of life, or a future, and I replied that I wanted to be comfortable and happy.

 

As of today, I don't know what to do. If I should call her or what.

[Ross MwcFan]

Yeah, that comment went over my head. She asked me what it is I want out of life, or a future, and I replied that I wanted to be comfortable and happy.

 

As of today, I don't know what to do. If I should call her or what.

 

Just tell her I'm not going to change for you or for anyone, this is who I am, either take it or leave it. Then it's her call as to whether she wants to end the relationship or not.

 

If she ends it then she obviously wasn't the right kind of girl for you.

Edited November 29, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Treasa]

Dump her ass. I put up with my ex not even having A JOB, yet telling me he was too busy during the day to contact me (too busy playing an MMO for 10 hours straight every single day). I put up with it because I didn't think it would last forever and because I loved him.

 

However, he didn't give me any attention. If he had, I STILL would have put up with his sorry ass for longer than I did.

 

You HAVE a job and other things you do. And yet you still manage to spend time with her. F her. She doesn't deserve you.

 

Oh, and don't text her back. My ex has been telling me to call him if I want to talk to him. Uh, no. He also emailed me this morning to tell me that he got a job and is starting it in January. That's nice. I don't give a **** anymore. I'm not responding to THAT email, either.

 

You sound awesome, and you should be with someone awesome.

[maybealone]

She tells me she's not okay with me being "too content"

 

To me, that sounds like she thinks you should always be striving for more. For example, having a job that pays the bills and allows you to save a little might be enough for you as long as you are happy, but she would think you should always be striving for a better job, promotion, something.

 

Ambition is one of those compatibility areas, and I have seen breakups because of a difference in ambition level. I am one of those people that would rather be in a job I like rather than have more money at a more stressful job, so I would not be a good fit with a very ambitious man.

[naviis]

I'm in school working on two theses/resarch papers and finishing my degree this week, I run a scholarship that I founded through a school district, I volunteer my time to a crisis hotline three times a week, I write articles for two different websites, and I work my job. I can be busy.

 

I feel like a lazy piece of **** now.

 

You definitely don't sound lazy to me!!

 

It sounds like her issue is more that those aren't high paying activities.

 

Ambition isn't always about money. If you're doing what you want to do or working your way towards it, then you're ahead of a good many people. You should feel good about that.

[sigurpol]

Dump her ass. I put up with my ex not even having A JOB, yet telling me he was too busy during the day to contact me (too busy playing an MMO for 10 hours straight every single day). I put up with it because I didn't think it would last forever and because I loved him.

 

However, he didn't give me any attention. If he had, I STILL would have put up with his sorry ass for longer than I did.

 

You HAVE a job and other things you do. And yet you still manage to spend time with her. F her. She doesn't deserve you.

 

Oh, and don't text her back. My ex has been telling me to call him if I want to talk to him. Uh, no. He also emailed me this morning to tell me that he got a job and is starting it in January. That's nice. I don't give a **** anymore. I'm not responding to THAT email, either.

 

You sound awesome, and you should be with someone awesome.

 

Thank you :-)

 

In your unfortunate case, yeah, I could understand if she came at me while I was doing something like this. I told her this seemed to have come out of nowhere and she said we talked about it before (which was a few weeks before this and I gave her an answer)

 

She still seems to be stuck on the fact that I'm not running around town applying for jobs or talking to people with my degree.

 

 

To me, that sounds like she thinks you should always be striving for more. For example, having a job that pays the bills and allows you to save a little might be enough for you as long as you are happy, but she would think you should always be striving for a better job, promotion, something.

 

Ambition is one of those compatibility areas, and I have seen breakups because of a difference in ambition level. I am one of those people that would rather be in a job I like rather than have more money at a more stressful job, so I would not be a good fit with a very ambitious man.

 

Exactly, I agree.

 

Sigur, I don't say this often. But your a really good guy and you deserve better than what your gf is offering. Its the sad truth. You are doing more than most 27 yr olds and believe it or not just because you get a degree does not mean you will be given a better job....not in this economy anymore. I know several 27 yr olds who instead of bettering themselves by getting a good degree to increase the prospects of them getting a good job, they whine. You are doing so much more with your life than almost a lot of the people I know. Keep it up, when you are 40 and extremely successful cause you have that drive, you will look back and laugh at your ex.

 

That means a lot to me, really. Thank you :-)

 

I like to think I'm a decent person who isn't a bum and I know I could be somewhere else right now, financially, if I really dropped everything I like to do and concentrate on a big time job, but I'm not like that. I would be really unhappy.

 

You definitely don't sound lazy to me!!

 

It sounds like her issue is more that those aren't high paying activities.

 

Ambition isn't always about money. If you're doing what you want to do or working your way towards it, then you're ahead of a good many people. You should feel good about that.

 

Thank you! Agreed, like I wrote above, I enjoy what I do. I have fun with it. I know it doesn't give me tons of money to sit on and I could apply for other jobs to make more money, but I want to wait first once this semester calms down, ya know?

 

I tried telling her I don't want to be gun-ho about something if there's nothing to be gun-ho'ing about. I don't want to bust out of the gate with all these big goals and have NO plan to reach them, then end up in some place I'm unhappy with because I'm stuck there.

 

I told her that she doesn't need to worry about me or be afraid and I'm sure most of this stems from her parents or friends asking what I'm going to do with myself and she doesn't say much, thus making her feel embarrassed. She agreed.

 

She called me today and mentioned she was surprised for not hearing from me yet today. We talked for a bit and she asked if I was okay, then said she would call me back soon. Ugh.

 

I don't like having a breakup card waving above my head.

[dasein]

I don't like having a breakup card waving above my head.

 

Tell her that in those words. Tell her it's not fair, that you are happy with a busy life, who knows what the future holds? and that you deserve to be with someone who doesn't have these kinds of doubts.

 

Out of curiousity, what is -her- ambition, life plan and employment looking like? If extreme one way or the other, she needs to decide alternatively why she expects a man to exhibit $$ type ambition, yet she doesn't bring it to the table herself. If the opposite and she has a high paying fast track career, then why isn't she happy with someone who complements her level of ambition?

[sigurpol]

Tell her that in those words. Tell her it's not fair, that you are happy with a busy life, who knows what the future holds? and that you deserve to be with someone who doesn't have these kinds of doubts.

 

Out of curiousity, what is -her- ambition, life plan and employment looking like? If extreme one way or the other, she needs to decide alternatively why she expects a man to exhibit $$ type ambition, yet she doesn't bring it to the table herself. If the opposite and she has a high paying fast track career, then why isn't she happy with someone who complements her level of ambition?

 

This is something that I pointed out to her: she just switched majors because she wants something new now, but doesn't know what to get into once she graduates (about a year from now). She's also in the military (not in active duty) and thought she wanted a certain position there, but... not so much anymore. I never held her hostage over making different choices and wanting different things. Her defense was that I graduate so soon and nothing is lined up.

 

Funny though, today I heard back from a possible employer. I want to tell her so badly, but I don't want it to come off ass, LOOK! See?! See what I'm doing?!-kinda thing.

Edited November 29, 2012 by sigurpol