2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Expect her to stay as long as you provide a lifestyle for her - BUT - also expect her to start fishing the waters for a new/better provider that will believe her lies (that she's not a cheater). I hope I'm wrong! But we see it her often. Think about it - why would she try to change HER lifestyle until she finds her "better opportunity"?
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 I was referring to the OP - he's staying with his cheater so he gets sex and to keep half his money. In the end - it won't look like the pretty little M and family with all that manipulation and pretending - he's still settled by staying with the cheater out of fear that he may go without sex and to save himself some money. For all we know - she brought home an std... Or will eventually. The OP is likely to pay now or pay later... There are consequences to his wife's behavior - time will reveal them. Thanks. THis is why I asked. I had a feeling it was not right. Like my idea to have a revenge A. I keep coming up with what I think are great ideas but having nagging doubts that I'm missing something. What you did not mention but that I got from you and from 2sure is the of course, she may not be staying and proving her ture love, but rather staying and biding her time till she has a better offer. I'd be trapping her into staying for my money. And that never lasts. There is always someone with more money. If she does not stay for the right reasons I am better off without her. I can see my idea at the start of this thread won't help me find out whether or not she is staying for the right reasons. I don't know what would. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 How about a "trial separation" where you even have a period of no contact. That way each one of you can have time and space to decide whether you (each on your own) want to do what you need to do in order to repair your marriage. If SHE really wants to be married to you, she won't start anything with somebody else. If she does start seeing people, you probably can see that her motivation is not really to make your marriage work. 1
KathyM Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 If your goal is to reconcile, don't divorce. It's just too easy to walk away from the relationship if you are no longer married, and your efforts at reconcilation will be half-hearted. Pick one or the other when you are ready to make that choice, and go with that. If you make a choice, it's not set in stone anyway. You may decide to try to reconcile but end up divorcing, or you may end up divorcing and getting back together. But to divorce with the intent to reconcile makes no sense, and could too easily backfire. 1
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 If your goal is to reconcile, don't divorce. It's just too easy to walk away from the relationship if you are no longer married, and your efforts at reconcilation will be half-hearted. Pick one or the other when you are ready to make that choice, and go with that. If you make a choice, it's not set in stone anyway. You may decide to try to reconcile but end up divorcing, or you may end up divorcing and getting back together. But to divorce with the intent to reconcile makes no sense, and could too easily backfire. For years before the A, every time we got into a serious dissagreement she would says she wanted a divorce. She would say she never really wanted to marry me. So maybe I get it ready for completion, then let her decide. She is saying she wants reconcilliation now. But I think that is in part b/c I'm doing all the work for it. And she is very prideful. If I present her with a completed divorce, kind of a "just sign here if you want it" thing, then it has to be her choice to stay or not. If she says no then I don't think I'll hear anymore about how she didn't really want to marry me.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Try this - have her move. Have her support herself completely on her own! Then see if she still makes effort to "love" you. Does she work? Does she bring home money?
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 Try this - have her move. Have her support herself completely on her own! Then see if she still makes effort to "love" you. Does she work? Does she bring home money? If only that were an option. We have kids. If anyone moves it would have to be me. We have been married more than 10 years. I have to pay her half my income for 3 to 5 years. She does not have any income of her own. One thing is that half my income would be far short of what she is used to. And she really would not like that. However, I don't want her staying just b/c of that. Even if she never cheats again she would be feeling trapped and treat me like crap. I've had enough of that. And likely she would eventaully find a new guy or hook up with the last guy when he resurfances, if she is just with me b/c of the half income problem.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 So you stay knowing you are her second choice. And you stay so she will use you to support her lifestyle. Does that sound like love to you?
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Start changing things man! Demand she get full time work! She needs to earn money! SHE cheated! There are consequences for bad behavior! The life that you thought you HAD is over! She can and should work!
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 So you stay knowing you are her second choice. And you stay so she will use you to support her lifestyle. Does that sound like love to you? I do not know if I am second choice. I'm certanly not today. But big picture I don't know and think I might be not even second choice. My dilema is how to find out. I do support her lifestyle. But she supports me as well. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of two very high needs children. I'm not complaining about her work ethic. She works hard. For no income. I would not like to trade places with her.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 SHE cheated! There are consequences for bad behavior! The life that you thought you HAD is over! I agree with these statements 100%.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 I do not know if I am second choice. I'm certanly not today. But big picture I don't know and think I might be not even second choice. My dilema is how to find out. I do support her lifestyle. But she supports me as well. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of two very high needs children. I'm not complaining about her work ethic. She works hard. For no income. I would not like to trade places with her. If she intends to stay married - have her take a polygraph. Ask her all the questions you want answers to.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Here's the issue - you haven't given her any consequences for her bad behavior... Quite the opposite - you have rewarded her bad behavior by not changing things. How has the A hurt HER? What is SHE doing to repair the damage SHE caused? Playing perfect home isn't the answer to your problem! Has she found out through counseling why she cheated? Has she shared that with you? Is she capable of being honest? It looks like she's not sorry she cheated - she's only sorry she got caught - and that's simply not good enough because she will cheat again! 1
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