CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 My wife was dumped about 4 months ago by an MM when I told the MM's wife what I found out was going on. So my wife is back to me, saying all the right things. There is plenty here on this site that explains the many reasons for the fact that I might not want to take her back. Even if I believe she is sorry and would never do it again. On top of all that there is the fact that I'm not in a believer kind of mood. I fully know she very well might do it again. She might go running back to the MM when he resurfaces, as he surely will at some point. She might even only be back with me b/c I'm her best option at the moment. But if we can reconcile maybe we will be each others best option. Maybe we can be in love again. So here is my plan. I hope that the things she says now are true. I don't want to test her commitment by throwing her out. I read here on LS that the women who are BS's often do that when the cheating H comes crawling back. I can see why they do. Good for them!!! They throw out the cheating H and make him sweat. Make him prove he is worthy. But I'm a guy. And being the guy you have to walk. You can't throw the cheater out. You have to walk and hand over half of everything you own and half your income for years to come. So as a guy it is not that simple. Then there is the other guy problem. I need sex. A lot. My wife is hot and very good to me that way. And having someone else in my bed would of course end any hope of reconciliation. So how about this. I already filed for divorce. Why not proceed to divorce. This would be my test. If she will stay with me even though we are divorced. If she is faithful and really wants to be with me and proves it for a few years, I will remarry her. If she cheats again then I hit the road. We would have already come to terms on marital property and the clock would already be ticking on spousal support. Is this crazy? My idea of a revenge affair was shot down here on LS and for good reasons. So is there a flaw in this plan that I'm not seeing? Anyone else try this before?
Tenacity Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I've read your threads.... I'm sorry for what you have gone through. Your wife seems like a piece of work, at least from what you posted. Divorce is not a 'test'. It's what you do when you want out of a marriage. You do not seem to be vested in reality yet, which is that your wife does not want to be married to you. You really need to get your head out of this marriage and move on... you don't seem anywhere near ready to do that. I would hate to see the outcome if your plan (to extend into many years from now) is to divorce her in hopes that she will "wake up". Much of your focus also seems to be on sex. I know you are young... but honestly, long-term relationships are not primarily based on sex. You just don't seem to see that. 2
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 You really need to get your head out of this marriage and move on... you don't seem anywhere near ready to do that. You may be right about the first part above. You are certainly right about the second part. Ugh.
2sure Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 That sounds like a pretty elaborate plan! Not far fetched though when I think about the things my ex and I did. Still, I don't think it will work... Now, we didn't reconcile so I don't know this first hand but I'm pretty sure that for a couple to be able to reconcile the first things required are a WS that is remorseful and a BS that wants to forgive . I think I hear between the lines of your post that you want to forgive, but just don't know if you can? Either way...waiting years to do it, divorced....it just seems like a Long slow train wreck. No magic formula, there is risk involved in reconciliation. I'm not sure how you get past it, a lot of people do.
Furious Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 God love you cantgetoveritNY You're so darned sweet, and you're trying so hard to keep your marriage and family intact. Your wife knows without a shadow of doubt that you're doing all the heavy lifting for the both of you. All she has to do is feel sorry for herself and mourn the ex-MM while you hand her tissue for her tears while you drown in your own tears. So now you want a divorce while actually not being divorced. I don't know if that will garner you the respect you deserve and will motivate her to change in any way. It just might make it even worse and add more dysfunction in the long term. I do think though, you should protect your financial future and should be proactive in securing your assets. I hope you're still going for individual counseling. 3
BetrayedH Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I'm not sure that anyone here has tried divorce as a test of true remorse. I do think plenty of people have kicked out their spouse, exposed yhe affair to everyone, filed for divorce, and then seen a still remorseful spouse. After a period of a few months of consistent actions by the wayward spouse, the BS has let them come back and reconciliations have then occurred. If I had to recommend a route, I think that's the one. The danger is in the separation. Distance causes people to detach. It's a risky choice if you know you want to reconcile. Other reconciliations take place slowly with both spouses in the same home, having lots of "hysterical bonding" sex. Tougher for the BS to verify true remorse when the WS hasn't suffered serious consequences and still demonstrated pursuit of the marriage. It's a risky choice if you want to be sure you're not played for a fool again. Either way, the key to a successful reconciliation is the BS seeing consistent actions over TIME. What a four-letter word that is to a BS, right? We want this crap decided like, NOW. We want to make a decision and start moving in some direction that helps us heal. My opinion...if you have spent a number of years with this woman, there's little harm in investing a few more months trying to determine what you really want to do once you have a clear head. And in the meantime, your wife can just ****ing hurry up and wait. If she can't keep doing the work during that time, you have your answer. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 So how about this. I already filed for divorce. Why not proceed to divorce. This would be my test. If she will stay with me even though we are divorced. If she is faithful and really wants to be with me and proves it for a few years, I will remarry her. If she cheats again then I hit the road. We would have already come to terms on marital property and the clock would already be ticking on spousal support. Is this crazy? My idea of a revenge affair was shot down here on LS and for good reasons. So is there a flaw in this plan that I'm not seeing? Anyone else try this before? To me, there's two potential positive outcomes if cheating occurs in a marriage: 1). You reconcile and come out with a strong(er) marriage 2). You divorce and move on with your life Your plan doesn't provide you with the benefits of either option, instead it places you in a marital limbo where you're neither committed nor free. Not a good idea. At some point, you're going to simply have to decide "in or out". If the need for your plan is that you can't trust her, then that's probably your answer right there... Mr. Lucky 1
threebyfate Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Such a waste of time. Bite the bullet. Get rid of her and use the time to move on. Since you're still young and if you're willing to let go of this, you'll meet someone sooner or later, that will make you wonder what you ever saw in the cheater. But I might suggest less focus on superficiality next time and more focus on what's at core in future potentials. Sex is important in healthy relationships but it's not all there is. My other suggestion surrounds your enabling of her cheating and childish behaviour. She gave you all the signs, showing you her flirtation in text and telling you she enjoyed the attention from another man over an interval of time. Anyone who needs that kind of attention while in any relationship has self-esteem issues, self-esteem they need to harvest externally. Prime recipe for a cheater. 4
j'adore Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Such a waste of time. Bite the bullet. Get rid of her and use the time to move on. Since you're still young and if you're willing to let go of this, you'll meet someone sooner or later, that will make you wonder what you ever saw in the cheater. But I might suggest less focus on superficiality next time and more focus on what's at core in future potentials. Sex is important in healthy relationships but it's not all there is. My other suggestion surrounds your enabling of her cheating and childish behaviour. She gave you all the signs, showing you her flirtation in text and telling you she enjoyed the attention from another man over an interval of time. Anyone who needs that kind of attention while in any relationship has self-esteem issues, self-esteem they need to harvest externally. Prime recipe for a cheater. you are out for revenge, you don't want her, but you don;'t want anyone else to have her. Divorce is your only option, what you are describing means you will both be miserable.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 to be able to reconcile the first things required are a WS that is remorseful and a BS that wants to forgive . I think I hear between the lines of your post that you want to forgive, but just don't know if you can? Either way...waiting years to do it, divorced....it just seems like a Long slow train wreck. I am afraid I'm in for a long slow train wreck. My wife is only remorseful for herself as far as I can tell. I don't know if I can forgive, for sure. And neither of us is ready, today, to call it over. Sounds like a slow train wreck to me. Good analogy.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 I'm not young. Maybe my over focus on sex and my ideas like revenge cheating and this "divorce test" makes me seem young. I should know better? You are on the mark here. I've always seen her as having self-esteem issues. For example, she is the most physically attractive women I've ever met. But she does not even have confidence that she is physically beautiful.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 She'll be back to cheating as soon as the opportunity arises. I can't recall. You have no children, right?? If not, consider yourself EXTREMELY lucky and run . . . and don't look back. I have two children. I hesitate to mention that b/c honestly my main motivation is that I want to get over it. I want her to come back for real. But then there are the children. That is also a motivating factor. But if I cant get over it and/or she does not want to come back for real, then the children are probably better off having us be divorced. But you are right, I'd probably feel a lot less like I want to get over it if there were no children.
Owl Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I am afraid I'm in for a long slow train wreck. My wife is only remorseful for herself as far as I can tell. I don't know if I can forgive, for sure. And neither of us is ready, today, to call it over. Sounds like a slow train wreck to me. Good analogy. To quote Mythbusters..."Well here's your problem!". You aren't ready to end things...but you're not ready/willing to put forth the effort to try to repair things either. Here's the deal. You need to pick a goal. Divorce/end the marriage...or reconciliation. I don't care which. But you can't try to walk some sort of crazy balance between the two, when in reality they lie in opposite directions from each other. It's like picking a destination...the south pole or the north pole. Instead of choosing one of those, you're just trying to get there(wherever) by walking the equator instead. Pick a goal. Develop a plan to reach your goal. Implement your plan. Tweak your plan as needed to reach your goal, and work your plan until you reach your goal...or change your mind and pick a different goal instead...which requires you to start over with a new plan. You get the idea. But nothing changes, nothing CAN change until you pick a goal. So...what's your goal? 1
StormySeas Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Has anyone here tried a post nuptual agreement before? Why not come to a decision on how everything would get split in a divorce NOW, when you may have the upper hand (terrible choice of words but I can't think of anything better) because your wife may be willing to give you more because of all the hurt she's caused if you just pull the divorce off the table? I've thought about making my H sign a post nuptual agreement that if there is any infidelity going forward, he gets our son for one weekend a month. That's it. But I'm not sure that's the right signal if reconciliation is what I want...it's just something I've spent a lot of time thinking about. To me, trying something like that seems much more reasonable than divorcing when you really don't seem to want to...
Madman81 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 If you decide to attempt reconciliation (and the operative word here is "if"), she needs to bend over backwards to demonstrate the extent of her commitment to it. And you need to make sure she understands what that means, and agrees to it wholeheartedly. The theme of what she must agree to is "transparency". She needs to make herself accountable to you, 24/7. She needs to tell you where she's going, who with, and when she'll be back. She needs to be available by cell phone at all times, so that you can call and inquire as to her whereabouts. Also, she needs to give you absolute, unrestricted access to her email, cell phone, internet search history, Facebook, etc. That means passwords, search history, everything. She deletes nothing without giving you the opportunity to see it (you can choose whether or not you want to see it). Next, if the MM tries to contact her in any way, she immediately disengages from the attempted communication, and contacts you immediately to tell you about it. If he emails or texts her, she lets you read the message before she deletes it. And lastly, she does all of the above without resistance and without hesitation. She doesn't grumble, get pissy with you, or complain about needing privacy. "Privacy"? What's that? She no longer has it, except in the bathroom. These terms need to be absolutely non-negotiable -- they are absolutely necessary if she wants you to learn to trust her again. If she objects, tell her that she has a choice in the matter. She can leave the relationship. But these are the terms in which you will stay in a relationship with her. The degree, if any, of her resistance will tell you everything you need to know about her willingness to do the work necessary to regain your trust. As the person who shattered the marriage, that's HER job. Not yours. As time goes by with her words and actions being verifiably true, your trust in her will gradually rebuild. Gradually, you'll stop feeling the need to check up on her constantly. It'll take time, though. The question for her is whether or not she's willing to do what needs to be done. Good luck, man... 2
worldgonewrong Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I've always seen her as having self-esteem issues. For example, she is the most physically attractive women I've ever met. But she does not even have confidence that she is physically beautiful. She obviously saw herself as attractive enough to go & bag another guy. Don't pity her, man. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 My wife is hot and very good to me that way. CantgetoveritNY, I'm curious - if your wife was simply plain and not "hot", would this be an easier decision for you ??? Mr. Lucky
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 CantgetoveritNY, I'm curious - if your wife was simply plain and not "hot", would this be an easier decision for you ??? Mr. Lucky Probably not. I've been with women that were not gorgeous and I still wanted fidelity. And I was still a committed person myself. I'd still want sex with my partner. Oh, I see your point now. The information about how she looks was irrelevant and not helpful. I should have just said I'm very attracted to my wife. That I can't say no to her when she wants me.
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 If you decide to attempt reconciliation (and the operative word here is "if"), she needs to bend over backwards to demonstrate the extent of her commitment to it. And you need to make sure she understands what that means, and agrees to it wholeheartedly. The theme of what she must agree to is "transparency". She needs to make herself accountable to you, 24/7. She needs to tell you where she's going, who with, and when she'll be back. She needs to be available by cell phone at all times, so that you can call and inquire as to her whereabouts. Also, she needs to give you absolute, unrestricted access to her email, cell phone, internet search history, Facebook, etc. That means passwords, search history, everything. She deletes nothing without giving you the opportunity to see it (you can choose whether or not you want to see it). Next, if the MM tries to contact her in any way, she immediately disengages from the attempted communication, and contacts you immediately to tell you about it. If he emails or texts her, she lets you read the message before she deletes it. And lastly, she does all of the above without resistance and without hesitation. She doesn't grumble, get pissy with you, or complain about needing privacy. "Privacy"? What's that? She no longer has it, except in the bathroom. These terms need to be absolutely non-negotiable -- they are absolutely necessary if she wants you to learn to trust her again. If she objects, tell her that she has a choice in the matter. She can leave the relationship. But these are the terms in which you will stay in a relationship with her. The degree, if any, of her resistance will tell you everything you need to know about her willingness to do the work necessary to regain your trust. As the person who shattered the marriage, that's HER job. Not yours. As time goes by with her words and actions being verifiably true, your trust in her will gradually rebuild. Gradually, you'll stop feeling the need to check up on her constantly. It'll take time, though. The question for her is whether or not she's willing to do what needs to be done. Good luck, man... I like this. I think this is a good roadmap to trust. Thanks. 1
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Has anyone here tried a post nuptual agreement before? Why not come to a decision on how everything would get split in a divorce NOW, when you may have the upper hand (terrible choice of words but I can't think of anything better) because your wife may be willing to give you more because of all the hurt she's caused if you just pull the divorce off the table? I've thought about making my H sign a post nuptual agreement that if there is any infidelity going forward, he gets our son for one weekend a month. That's it. But I'm not sure that's the right signal if reconciliation is what I want...it's just something I've spent a lot of time thinking about. To me, trying something like that seems much more reasonable than divorcing when you really don't seem to want to... I'm an attorney. I can't speak about other states but in NY any kind of pre or post nuptial agreement that requires something that would not be fair in a divorce would not be enforceable. So if one weekend a month was something he could show he bargained for to get you to come back, then it would probably be unenforceable. Likewise if my wife agreed to take 3 years support now, b/c that is what she is entitled to now, but we don't divorce for another 5 years, then the law will allow her to get the benefit of having stayed married 5 more years. Luckily for me, in NY, if you are not married but living together, you have no rights of a married couple. Many states allow rights to cohabitants that NY does not. Anyone reading this, even in NY, should consult a family law attorney to be sure. I'm not so the above is an educated opinion.
2sure Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Has anyone here tried a post nuptual agreement before? Why not come to a decision on how everything would get split in a divorce NOW, when you may have the upper hand (terrible choice of words but I can't think of anything better) because your wife may be willing to give you more because of all the hurt she's caused if you just pull the divorce off the table? I've thought about making my H sign a post nuptual agreement that if there is any infidelity going forward, he gets our son for one weekend a month. That's it. But I'm not sure that's the right signal if reconciliation is what I want...it's just something I've spent a lot of time thinking about. To me, trying something like that seems much more reasonable than divorcing when you really don't seem to want to... We had a postnup that I thought protected me after I took him back the first time he cheated. The second time I caught him I quickly found out the contract was not iron clad , not able to be enforced, and only protected me if he divorced me...not if I divorced him. So, we got back together and as a sign of his loyalty he made some solid changes regarding the contract and also put some assets in my name and shared the rest. Then I divorced him. 2
Author CantgetoveritNY Posted November 30, 2012 Author Posted November 30, 2012 We had a postnup that I thought protected me after I took him back the first time he cheated. The second time I caught him I quickly found out the contract was not iron clad , not able to be enforced, and only protected me if he divorced me...not if I divorced him. So, we got back together and as a sign of his loyalty he made some solid changes regarding the contract and also put some assets in my name and shared the rest. Then I divorced him. Think you are brilliant!
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 You're selling your soul to the devil... You're just dressing it up to make it look better than it is.
2sure Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 You're selling your soul to the devil... You're just dressing it up to make it look better than it is. That's the truth. I don't know that you are referring to me but, I thought it would make me happy but it didnt. It made me more comfortable, but not happy.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 That's the truth. I don't know that you are referring to me but, I thought it would make me happy but it didnt. It made me more comfortable, but not happy. I was referring to the OP - he's staying with his cheater so he gets sex and to keep half his money. In the end - it won't look like the pretty little M and family with all that manipulation and pretending - he's still settled by staying with the cheater out of fear that he may go without sex and to save himself some money. For all we know - she brought home an std... Or will eventually. The OP is likely to pay now or pay later... There are consequences to his wife's behavior - time will reveal them. 1
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