Bourget Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 In reading your posts I would swear that you are my OW. So much of what you say, no everything you say, is EXACTLY what my OW says. IT'S SCARY!!! The way I figure it is, either you are or your situation, like so many other OW, is very similar to that of my OW and me. One of my biggest doubts has been if my OW really does love me or if she's just playing manipulative games with me. Now I'm thinking that if you love your OM as much as you say you do then maybe my OW loves me as much as she says she does. I wish I knew. P.S. I will post my story as soon as I finish my morning workload.
KissMyTiara Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 Bourget - Something tells me she does, she really does.
Author Bourget Posted August 9, 2004 Author Posted August 9, 2004 Sorry, you don't have an "OM". I should have said "MM". My mistake.
KissMyTiara Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 Bourget - Rest assured, I am not your OW...your relationship has been going on for like 10 months, right? That's not me. He and I aren't in the "I love you" phase yet. Saying that scares the **** outta me, so even if I were to get there, I don't know if I could actually spit the words out. Nor are we even in the position to really talk about his relationship with his W. Frankly, I choose not to. I want his time with me to be nothing but pleasant, so I keep her out of it. We do talk about work drama and the like, but it's more of a cathartic rant for him, and I can certainly commiserate there. I DO care deeply about him, and if he were to ever choose to leave his wife, I would be there for him, no questions. I absolutely adore him. I haven't heard from him since Friday, when he cancelled plans on me. I hope to hear from him soon, but something in my gut tells me something is just not right with him on the home front... I'm worried that somehow she knows, although, I think that's impossible. We've been very, very careful. Now, hurry up and tell me your story!!
Author Bourget Posted August 9, 2004 Author Posted August 9, 2004 Okay, heregoes. I'll keep it as short as I can. I am 39, married 13 and have a 10yr old boy. I coach his travel baseball team which is how I met my OW. She is a divorced single mother of one 10yr old boy who is one of my players. We met last August and got together in October. It moved rather quickly from "You're great", to "I Love You", to "When are you leaving your W". I left my W in mid-November one Saturday night when my son was sleeping over his cousins house. That night I spent talking on the phone with my OW from the Hoilday Inn I stayed at. We had very intimate conversation that night about how our life together was going to be so on and so forth. The next morning I call OW and she tells me that I should go back home because my son does not deserve to come home and find out that his father has left. So I did. I was pissed!! We continued to see each other and agreed that if I were to leave again that it would be after the holidays. Now all this time she continues to ask me when I'm going to leave again but I just keep avoiding the question. After several break-ups and arguments through December and January we met at local pizza place for lunch. She said to me, "you should just pack a bag and come live with me, you can sleep on the couch". So I told to think about over night abd if she still felt the same way tomorrow then that is what we will do. So the next day she confirms our plans and so I leave again. I call her from my cell phone to tell her I'm on my way. This was about 9:00pm or so. She says, "I didn't take a shower and I didn't tell my son so why don't you stay at a hotel tonight and we can talk about it tomorrow". I went back home again. Wait it gets better. Over the next six weeks or so we have NC. during this time she either loses her job or gets fired, I'm not really sure which. Anyway, around early March we get back together. In mid-April I leave my house AGAIN. This time however she takes me into her house. Everything is okay for about a week until I go back to my houose to see my son on Saturday. I didn't call OW for about five hours or so because I was alone with my son and he doesn't know about OW. OW gets annoyed at this and tells me to pack my things and go because she thinks I was having a family reunion with my W and son. So I go back home again. Now I ask OW repeatedly for explanations regarding her behavour and she tells me that when she breaks up with me I'm supposed to say or do something that's consistent with way of thinking. For example, I'm supposed to get emotional, angry or do something to display my frustration. I regard this as manipulation. She constantly tells me that she was "looking for a reaction". This to me is childish. This to me is something that only a very insecure person does. I used to do this crap when I was 16. My thoughts were, "If I break-up with her and she cries, that means she really likes me". Now she is on my back to leave and just say NO. I don't even think about it anymore. Infact it has gotten to the point that I don't even want to risk being with OW anymore. Where as before I didn't care. We would go out out in public, we would go anywhere and I just didn't care because I wanted to be with her. In June we broke up, there was NC for about a week. On June 16 my W gets a phone call from a private number. The caller said, "you're H is having an A with OW" and then immediatley hung up. Needless to say this created a major problem but lucky for me I was able to talk my way out of it. I confronted OW about it and she told me that it was her friend who made the phone call without her knowledge. I don't believe her. The thing that makes me believe that she doesn't really love me is that, when she had a job she sent me away two times when I left my house. Now she has no income and she takes me in only to tell me to leave one week later. Sometimes I think she just wants me there so I can support her so she doesn't have to work anymore, which I know she doesn't want to do anymore as she has told me so. In other words, "She wants me for my money". I don't know. If you listen to her she says all the right things but then messes it up by playing games. Your thoughts?
morgana Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 yikes! don't know how else to react to your story. so hard to say for sure if she loves you or is just looking for support. also sounds like she's having some problems with committment or you may be right that she's just playing games. it's easy to get caught up in the "want you" "don't want you" mess. how long has she been divorced and did she leave or did her H leave her? she may also be feeling guilty on some level, although she has a rather strange way of showing that. i know for some, and i'm not saying she fits into this category, but... it's the thrill of the chase, once caught, things change. i remember playing similar games in my younger days... wanting someone to chase after me so i was constantly breaking up with them or threatening to. needless to say, it backfired and i think i learned my lesson. sounds like you had something good at one point.
Author Bourget Posted August 9, 2004 Author Posted August 9, 2004 Yes Morgana, we did have something good at one point. She killed it though. Or maybe we both did, afterall, nobody's perfect. I also think that it may be the thrill of the chase but I might not ever know for sure as I am no longer willing to take any chances. BTW she has been divorced for 10yrs. She left him while she was pregnant with their son. She was no longer in love with him she says.
fanou22 Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 Bourget, What was happening to your marriage before your met your OW? Did you fall out of love with your wife? What attracted you to the OW? Will you be staying in your marriage because you don't have your OW?
KissMyTiara Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 Bourget - Although you might think her behaviour is childish and manipulative, I can totally see where she is coming from. If you display little to no emotion in your leaving your wife and child, and little to no emotion in being sent back, that is bound to make her think you don't care... That someday, she could be in W's shoes. I mean, as the OW, we are already aware of this in the back of our minds, but actions speak louder than words, ya know? An outwardly UNemotional man is a scary thing to a woman with deep feelings. This situation between you two is complex and dangerous, and she needs some reassurances from you that she is what you really, really want. She needs to see it, feel it, hear it - almost be able to touch it. Something tangible. Tears are tangible. Am I making any sense?
Author Bourget Posted August 9, 2004 Author Posted August 9, 2004 Tiara, Are you sure you're not my OW? Seriously though. Yes, you do make sense, but how much is enough and when does it become too much? I have shed tears many times in front of this woman. I have just become hardened and immune to her tactics I guess. Are you saying that you think she really does love me but it is me who is at fault? Fanou, I knew I did not love my W the way a H should love his W prior to meeting OW. I was interested in her for friendship and companionship that I don't have with my W. It was never about sex. I want my partner to be my best friend as well as my lover and everything else. My W is totally willing to be these things but for some reason just can't. It's a personality thing. She is a great W, an excellent mother and she would do anything for me. It just doesn't make sense. Yes I will, hopefully be staying in M just so long as there are no more phone calls to my house. Keeping my fingers, toes, arms, legs and everything else crossed.
KissMyTiara Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 B - No, no, not saying you are at fault at all. Neither is she. You two are having a breakdown of communication. Write her a letter, get it all out. That way she cannot interrupt you midsentence, and the discussion won't get tangential. How much is too much? I don't know. The situation I'm in is already too much, but I am still in it. But I'm one of those people who doesn't stay in a relationship just to have one (and that's what it sounds like you are doing with your W - you have comfort there, but what else??).
morgana Posted August 9, 2004 Posted August 9, 2004 b - i agree, it could just be a breakdown in communication or as you said, something to do with insecurites. it's very easy when you're the OW to be insecure. you know you're not #1 or maybe even in the top 5. you know they have a whole life that you only get to see peices of. you don't know what happens with them or to them when they're not in contact with you. so there's a lot to be insecure about, not that that's an excuse for her bahavior. i know i said before that it's a behavior i exhibited in my younger days... but now that i think about it there was one time, mild compared to yours that i sent my MM down a simlar path. he didn't call when he said he would and i couldn't find him, didn't respond to emails or phone calls (we're talking about a measly 2 hours!!) called later and told me he's gone out for dinner and drinks with some friends from high school. a few were female and divorced. so i launched into a "if, when you're divorced you want to see what's out there...." email, just looking for reassurance which i got and then some. felt awful about doing that, should have just been honest with him. but then again, it's sometimes hard to admit you're insecure. guess we all need it sometimes, but sometimes it's more than necessary and it can get in the way of enjoying your time together. if you're constantly worrying about "what next.." i can understand why you questioned whether or not it was worth it. hopefully you and your W can find your way back to the feelings you had when you got married.
fanou22 Posted August 10, 2004 Posted August 10, 2004 Bourget, What I don;t understand is that you don't seem happy in your marriage yet you wanted to leave for the OW. Why do you consider staying in your marriage when the OW is not there. Don't you think that if you gave yourself the time and space you might be able to find what you want with someone else? What was your wife's reaction when you left her twice? Did she understand the issues that led you to the OW or leaving? In some many ways you are very similar to my MM but I know he will never leave his wife.
littleflowerpot Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 i wish you had answered fanou's question about your wife because i was wondering the same thing. i feel a lot of sympathy for your wife here. you come and go like the newspaper boy. you have been focusing on how unfair it is to you that your OW has you coming and going but how unfair is this on your wife? the fact that she keeps taking you back lets me know she must be in quite an emotional state. can you just for a little bit think about how it must feel for her? if you don't love her then leave. leave for good and not just when the OW beckons. don't go back to your wife just because the OW tells you to go home. that is confusing and terribly unfair to your wife AND to your son. btw, your relationship with the OW will not move forward in a progressive way until you sh*t or get off the pot. you can't do the real work of a relationship with someone new until you get out of the one you're currently in. of course the OW is insecure because you haven't truly ended your marriage.
Author Bourget Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 My question to Sinner was about my OW not my W. I don't know why it was removed, somebody please explain. I know what I'm doing is wrong and hurtful to my W and everyone else involved, I don't need to be reminded. One issue at a time please.
fanou22 Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Bourget, I have read your post to sinner and I know that it was about the OW and not the W. As far as the message disappearing, no clue over there. Maybe you want to try posting it under your own thread. Sorry if I came accross as a reminder of what you are doing to your wife. I simply wanted to know what was her reaction just like sometimes I would imagine what would MM's wife reaction be if she found out he has been cheating. No intentions on telling her on my side though some disagree considering my situation and what she might face someday. Anyway it was only curiosity on my side. MM throws me off somtimes with the things he says and does.
sinner Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 My question to Sinner was about my OW not my W. I don't know why it was removed, somebody please explain. What question? Did I miss something?
Author Bourget Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 I wish I could. My post was removed!!
fanou22 Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Sinner, Bourget wanted some insight from you on his relationship with the OW.
littleflowerpot Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Originally posted by Bourget My question to Sinner was about my OW not my W. I don't know why it was removed, somebody please explain. I know what I'm doing is wrong and hurtful to my W and everyone else involved, I don't need to be reminded. One issue at a time please. the issues are related. don't you think your OW sees how you treat your wife? do you think she's eager for that? how do you think you can work on a real relationship while you are still with your wife? the OW probably wonders the same thing. and you keep crying victim while you are victimizing someone else.
sinner Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Your affair with the OW lasted less than one year. During a 5 month period you left your wife and 10 year old son , not once, not twice, but three times. You suspect your OW is a game player in search of a meal ticket. What games were you playing, my friend? What can I say? The OW has seriously inconvenienced you with her immature antics. You, however, have wrecked havoc with the lives of your innocent wife and child. Both of whom are glaringly absent from your affair narrative except as background or rubes. Bourget, it is your antics that give cheaters very bad reputations. If one must cheat do so in the ways that minimize the harm, the humiliation, the disruption to the lives of spouse and family. You don't abandon your family 3 times in 5 months. That's just cruel . I have no insight to offer; no advice to give you. Suffer the innocents.
Author Bourget Posted August 28, 2004 Author Posted August 28, 2004 Thank you for your honesty. I think I'll pull the trigger now .
Kizzyfur Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 If you're going to leave your wife, do it because you're unhappy in the marriage and there's no hope of reconcilliation. Don't do it just because you're happier with someone else.
Author Bourget Posted August 28, 2004 Author Posted August 28, 2004 Kizzy, Interesting thought! I think the SAME EXACT thing. It is that indecision which has created my situation. Thank you for your input.
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