Author Crissie254 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 It is not my goal or intent to 'gain allies'. I don't think that is necessary. I do think that you have a good point, though, in that maybe they don't need to know that he cheated. They are older, though, and it might be a good lesson and an important one. I haven't decided yet how that should be handled - I have to first approach the husband.
turnera Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 They need to know because it affects them. At their age, just saying 'it's an adult thing' is not only an insult, as they are beyond the age of thinking like an adult, but they are LEARNING HOW to be an adult from your (and his) actions.
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) On the children thing, I think it's ok to tell a teen, especially an 18yr old. At 18 these lessons are critical actually. I consider 15 to be pretty appropriate as well. I was already getting bjs and getting pretty close to going all the way with my gf at 15. STDs and faithfulness could be very real issues for both of them. Now with my own daughter (who turned 10 a couple months ago)...she only just learned about puberty and sex just recently... I haven't seen fit to tell her because I don't think she's quite ready for info like that. EDIT: Actually, at 15 and 18, with your H living in another apartment sometimes...they may already know or have guessed a lot more than you think! Edited November 29, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
turnera Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Yeah, a 10 year old - "mom had a boyfriend and you can't have a boyfriend when you're married.' 1
standtall Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 They are older, though, and it might be a good lesson and an important one. At their age, just saying 'it's an adult thing' is not only an insult, as they are beyond the age of thinking like an adult, but they are LEARNING HOW to be an adult from your (and his) actions. They are definitely hold enough to learn the consequences of deceit in a relationship. Okay ladies, I am seeing something here. For some reason, you think that boys growing up to be men, can learn some kind of lesson here. If that's what you think, then I don't think us men are getting through about the basic lessons to why men cheat. Men do not cheat because they are missing some kind of emotional connection, or their wife annoys them, or they are not understood, or they want to feel sexy, or whatever the reasons why women cheat. Most men cheat because they they want the thrill of the chase and to stick their penises in as my vagina's as possible...period. So, with that in mind, some type of lesson learned from the pain that their mom went through is not going to stop them. Hence, IMHO, don't tell children jack because it is pointless. Back to the OP...get outta dodge and take your boys with you. There is no cookie cutter answer as to what to tell your children, and only you can decide what is best for them. My suggestion in regards to telling them is to keep their interests in mind first, and resist the temptation to tell them for your own purposes.
JamesM Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Being that they are 18 and 15 and that it isn't their father, I see no reason why you would not tell them what happened. Every detail isn't necessary, but telling them that you discovered his cheating is appropriate. I have children that old, and I know that they are old enough to comprehend what adultery is. Life lesson? Yes, you cheat on your wife, and you lose her. You make a commitment and don't follow through, then there will be negative consequences. This will help them realize that marriage is a commitment and promise that must be honored and not broken. 2
yessy21 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Okay. you need to hire a PI, but just so you can show proof to your lawyer. He is cheating on you. he has been for a very long time. and with no shame. Herpes and gonn....dont just show up. Im sorry but that means he is having unprotected sex with random women. What are you waiting for? to get HIV? Open your eyes. No offense but he probrably thinks your a total ditz. If i contracted deseases and my hubby got an apt somewhere... id already be filing papers. My brother works an hr and half from home. he goes home every day to his wife.
2sure Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Chrissie...like you I waited 9 years to remarry, I was a single mother also, so it was of greatest importance to me to make a great decision for us. And I was confident I did, I was nearly 40, experienced, independent, and ready. I married a serial cheater. It started right away but I somehow allowed myself to be convinced I was wrong or over reactinG to small red flags. After a few years of reconciliation...I discovered he had an apartment in another city, a fake ID, a car I didn't know about. We're divorced now, clearly! but I wanted to tell you something else. One of the hardest things about all of it...was that I was confident in my decision to marry him. Confident I had made a good choice for my daughter. I think part of the reason I didn't leave right away was because I just could not believe I had been so very very wrong. Anyway, my daughter was 13 when I left him. I never gave her any details , they are not healthy things to hear , but it was important for me to explain to her... That he had inappropriate friendships with other women that made me uncomfortable. Ive made bad choices , some of which have affected her, but I'm who she has, and I have to show her how it's supposed to be. 4
turnera Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Okay ladies, I am seeing something here. For some reason, you think that boys growing up to be men, can learn some kind of lesson here. If that's what you think, then I don't think us men are getting through about the basic lessons to why men cheat. Men do not cheat because they are missing some kind of emotional connection, or their wife annoys them, or they are not understood, or they want to feel sexy, or whatever the reasons why women cheat. Most men cheat because they they want the thrill of the chase and to stick their penises in as my vagina's as possible...period. I'm very aware of that, standtall. It wasn't my contention that it would scare them away from cheating because it's 'wrong.' It's my contention that it MIGHT scare them away when they see their MOTHER, whom they love, in great pain because a man whom she trusted cheated on her. That, in the future, when they get a chance to cheat, they'll remember how much it devastated their mom.
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Posted November 30, 2012 Okay. you need to hire a PI, but just so you can show proof to your lawyer. He is cheating on you. he has been for a very long time. and with no shame. Herpes and gonn....dont just show up. Im sorry but that means he is having unprotected sex with random women. What are you waiting for? to get HIV? Open your eyes. No offense but he probrably thinks your a total ditz. If i contracted deseases and my hubby got an apt somewhere... id already be filing papers. My brother works an hr and half from home. he goes home every day to his wife. Most states are no fault, she doesn't need proof of anything to show her lawyer. And in most states to prove adultery you must prove the spouse had sex with someone else. Unless they just come out and admit it that is extremely difficult to prove.
Author Crissie254 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Hi all, I want you to know that he was, in fact, cheating. It took me a little while to work it out, but it all came out in the end. In fact, he moved out a week ago Friday and is already engaged to a woman who is 20 years younger than he is and has been in prison for drugs/fraud. All the while swearing to me he loved me and would do anything to make us right again. I was naive. Although it is very hard for me - I am so grateful for all your kind words and for telling me hard truths. I needed it. Thank you.
BetrayedH Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 (edited) Hi all, I want you to know that he was, in fact, cheating. It took me a little while to work it out, but it all came out in the end. In fact, he moved out a week ago Friday and is already engaged to a woman who is 20 years younger than he is and has been in prison for drugs/fraud. All the while swearing to me he loved me and would do anything to make us right again. I was naive. Although it is very hard for me - I am so grateful for all your kind words and for telling me hard truths. I needed it. Thank you. I'm glad you at least got to the truth. It's amazing how powerful denial can be. Even with STDs, we want to find a way to believe our spouse. How lovely that your husband is engaged to someone. I generally thought being engaged to be married was a no-no when you're already married but I do think in crazy black & white terms that way. So, he's moved out. I assume you're divorcing. How are YOU doing? How can the community support you as you transition to Crissie's Life 2.0? Edited February 10, 2013 by BetrayedH
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I hate when we're right like this... What legal steps have you taken towards divorce and asset protection? Mr. Lucky
jnel921 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Genital Herpes and Gonorrhea is hard proof. Will AIDS convince you? 1
turnera Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I hope you got a bulldog lawyer and are taking everything he has. 1
yessy21 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Im so sorry. this must be a soul crushing moment for you. None of this is your fault. I hope you hired a PI and have evidence to present your lawyer with. I WANT YOU TO BE STRONG. and make sure you have the best lawyer his money can hire.
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