Is my hubby cheating?

[Mr. Lucky]

Good to know about the cell phone, too - he will not leave me alone in a room with his cell phone. Granted, I am pretty nosy, but if you don't have anything to hide, what does it matter?

You're his wife, right? So ask to see his phone. Don't sneak, don't play detective, just ask him calmly to see his phone. Hand him yours if he's interested. Either his phone or his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

 

If he fails the test, kick his azz to the curb. Look at the bright side - at least he's already got a place to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

I will add to the chorus of "He is cheating." And let me also add that I feel bad that you are stuck int his difficult situation.

 

Living an hour away and getting an apartment because he has a gas guzzling truck? For the same amount as the cost of apartment rent, he could sell the truck and get a more efficient vehicle. In fact, it would be cheaper.

 

A man that loves his wife would want to live at home.

 

A married man who has an apartment would certainly invite his wife there to make it homey and would want her to stay over once in awhile.

 

I wonder how long it took him to thin up this plan.

 

I am going to go out on a limb and say he doesn't have a girlfriend. My first thought was that his behavior is more reminiscent of someone who is seeing prostitutes/escorts for his sex. The other possibility is that he is having one night stands with the local women. The apartment gives him the opportunity to tell them that he is single.

 

If you knew someone at his work, then you may find out more.

 

A GPS won't be too helpful if he never leaves home and escorts visit him. It won't be helpful if he drives to a bar and brings women home.

 

Getting an STD from him proves that he is getting sex from somewhere IMO.

 

The question is...what to do? Do you look for more proof, or do you kick him out? My guess is that confronting him is tough for you. If he can convince you that he needs an apartment near work for convenience, then he can convince you of anything. For your own confidence, you may need more proof, but IMO I think you have enough.

[Crissie254]

It is very interesting that you say escorts/prostitutes because I was thinking along the same line. At one point, a couple months ago, I found an email that he had printed out - it was an escort service requesting his last pay stub. I guess they do some kind of safety/background check before the guys are allowed to contact the girls (physically).

 

You know, this all sounds a lot worse when I write it down. I'm mad at myself because I used to have spunk and I don't know where my backbone is.

[SoleMate]

Please don't blame yourself too much for trusting your husband all this time. It is right and natural to trust. You obviously don't have much experience with shocking liars if you think that someone cannot lie to your face. They CAN. This is some of the most blatant and obvious evidence of cheating I've ever heard of here on Loveshack and I've read over a thousand stories about it. Stalin made it clear that it is easier to get away with the BIG LIE since no one ever suspects such huge dishonesty.

 

You finally suspected and you came here and I think your eyes are now opening. Be prepared for your H to attempt more lies and irrational stories. (BTW, the STDs suggest to me, more likely ONS than escorts. It only matters because ONS with numerous amateurs are more likely to pass on STDs. Another horrible possibility is that he is having sex with street hookers or other women who do not check for their sexual health.)

 

I don't lightly advise divorce, but in your case, it's overwhelmingly clear that you're married to a chronic, unrepentant cheater and liar. You can't change him and he is unlikely to ever choose to change voluntarily. It's been working great for him so far. So the only question is, would you like to continue to be married to this lying, sleazy, cruel, selfish, uncaring, unhygienic vector of STDs? Just the STD exposure alone would make it a resounding HELL NO from me as STDs can destroy your fertility, good health, and even life. For many of the BS (betrayed spouses) we advise, the issue of STDs remains theoretical. Most cases we hear - the vast majority in fact - do NOT involve transmission of STDs, let alone multiple STDs. I would suggest another doctor visit and thorough medical exam for extreme STD exposure. I would never let him touch me again. I would also file for divorce. There's just nothing to save of this marriage....I'm sorry. Hopefully you have a few good memories and you can move on.

[JamesM]

It is very interesting that you say escorts/prostitutes because I was thinking along the same line. At one point, a couple months ago, I found an email that he had printed out - it was an escort service requesting his last pay stub. I guess they do some kind of safety/background check before the guys are allowed to contact the girls (physically).

 

You know, this all sounds a lot worse when I write it down. I'm mad at myself because I used to have spunk and I don't know where my backbone is.

 

I think you know they don't do this to random strangers.

 

The sad part is that he is not even safe when he has sex if he caught STDs. A little consideration for his wife might be nice. My guess is that if he stuck to higher end services as this one, then he probably would have been less likely to catch anything.

 

Do you remember the name of the service or where it was located? You could do a little research and confront him. I am sure they have a website. If he has a computer, then he may be on other websites that cater to escorts and their clients. My guess is that he will follow the "deny deny" philosophy as long as he can.

 

When is the lease up on this apartment? Oh, then you will find out that he doesn't know, or they automatically renewed it without telling him, so he is stuck for another year.

 

Why don't you start visiting him? Show up unannounced...you ARE his wife after all.

 

You are right...it does take backbone. However, it also takes courage to face what you may not want to find. It is incredibly difficult and painful sometimes to face the truth. And if the truth is that he is cheating, then it will hurt more than you may want to bear.

 

Hugs to you and I hope you are given the strength to deal with this one way or another.

[JamesM]

(BTW, the STDs suggest to me, more likely ONS than escorts. It only matters because ONS with numerous amateurs are more likely to pass on STDs. Another horrible possibility is that he is having sex with street hookers or other women who do not check for their sexual health.)

 

 

I would agree with this statement. However, if he had an escort service check on him, then he at least considered escorts. Not that it matters, but higher end escorts would be a safer option than streetwalkers or one night stands.

 

Either way, I think there is plenty that suggests cheating of some sort.

 

Don't remember...do you have children?

[10132]

divorce "it"...and sue for the STD you'll have for the rest of your life...i'm sorry and you deserve so much better...and its out there.

[96nole]

It is very interesting that you say escorts/prostitutes because I was thinking along the same line. At one point, a couple months ago, I found an email that he had printed out - it was an escort service requesting his last pay stub. I guess they do some kind of safety/background check before the guys are allowed to contact the girls (physically).

 

You know, this all sounds a lot worse when I write it down. I'm mad at myself because I used to have spunk and I don't know where my backbone is.

What did you do when you found that email?

 

At this point the only thing left is to actually walk in on him banging some other woman.

 

Crissie, there is a saying, "where there is smoke, there is fire". At this point, we can also see the fire.

 

-He has his own apartment that is only 1 hour away from the house

-He guards his cell phone as if his life depends on it.

-You mysteriously got an STD that you never had before you got married. (unless you also have someone on the side that you haven't confessed to)

-You found a printed out email from an escort service (REALLY?!?!?!?)

-bank accounts are separate and you can't see his account

 

It's time to run screaming from this marriage.

[Crissie254]

You know, I completely believe that he is subscribing to the 'deny, deny, deny' theory. I keep expecting him to give in and tell the truth and when he doesn't, I start to doubt myself! I completely googled 'Can you get gonorrhea any other way?' AND I KNOW BETTER - I am a healthcare professional. I completely and totally know the answer to that question.

 

I found the info re: the escort service AFTER the gonorrhea incident so my thought was that he was unsafe before (maybe ONS/prostitues) and wanted to find a safer method of cheating?

 

It broke my heart because what if it been something I couldn't get rid of (HIV)? We don't have children together, but I have 2 boys (15 and 18) from my first marriage and I am not ready to leave them just yet. I want to be around to torment them for years to come!

[Crissie254]

Thanks again for all the input - I really needed a smack in the face. I see it, I know it, but I needed for someone to be brutally honest about what I was seeing.

 

I have confronted him about most everything I have found/seen. He lies. I have asked to see his phone, but he says that just because we are married doesn't mean that we lead one life. That privacy is expected within a marriage. I don't have great boundries (as noted in a previous post) so it's hard for me to know what is appropriate and what is not.

[2sunny]

So as not together side tracked - what do you plan to do now about his cheating?

[BetrayedH]

I found the info re: the escort service AFTER the gonorrhea incident so my thought was that he was unsafe before (maybe ONS/prostitues) and wanted to find a safer method of cheating?

 

Sounds like the title of this thread should have been, Is my husband still cheating?

 

Go see an attorney. If your state is an "at fault" state (I hear that 13 of them still care about infidelity) then your attorney may want more hard evidence for the divorce. If your state is "no fault," just get it over with.

[Crissie254]

So as not together side tracked - what do you plan to do now about his cheating?

 

Well. This is a 'no fault' state and we don't have children together and our finances are separate, so a divorce shouldn't be too painful. I am still paying for several things (insurance, etc) that our ours together, but I should be able to extricate myself relatively painlessly.

 

The big thing will be to hold firm. He is a great talker and very charismatic. I will do it, though. If nothing else, I don't want my boys to think that this is the way that a man should treat a woman. (although I've tried to shield them from as much as possible, I'm sure they see more than they let on).

 

I'm sorry/mad because I waited 9 years to remarry - trying to find the right one, but obvs. I don't have the best judgement!

[turnera]

You know, I completely believe that he is subscribing to the 'deny, deny, deny' theory. I keep expecting him to give in and tell the truth and when he doesn't, I start to doubt myself!

That's called gaslighting. Making YOU think that YOU are crazy and he's the good guy. Classic Cheater Script. They all do it.

 

And please stop expecting a cheater to tell the truth. That just makes you look dumb.

 

Regain your self esteem that he trampled on, kick him out, and sue him for the medical care you'll now need.

[turnera]

he says that just because we are married doesn't mean that we lead one life. That privacy is expected within a marriage.

Here's how it works. Use this:

 

Privacy in a marriage is going to the bathroom behind a closed door. Secrecy has no place in a marriage.

[turnera]

If nothing else, I don't want my boys to think that this is the way that a man should treat a woman. (although I've tried to shield them from as much as possible, I'm sure they see more than they let on).

 

I'm sorry/mad because I waited 9 years to remarry - trying to find the right one, but obvs. I don't have the best judgement!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell your boys WHY you are divorcing him. They need to see the REAL consequence of cheating. They are definitely old enough and they need to learn this.

[standtall]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell your boys WHY you are divorcing him. They need to see the REAL consequence of cheating. They are definitely old enough and they need to learn this.

 

Please please please don't tell your boys anything. It is adult business and has nothing to do with them.

 

Men almost always learn about cheating the hard way..by suffering the consequences of it when they are married. Nothing you can do or say will get them to not do it...that resolve comes from within. IMHO, no good will come of including them..it only shares your grief with them...they don't need that baggage. When they are older and in adult relationships...and they ask...then maybe volunteer it. It is good that you got advice from the posters here about "is he cheating or not", but get your parenting advice somewhere else. As a matter of fact, I don't recall you asking.

[Mr. Lucky]

Privacy in a marriage is going to the bathroom behind a closed door. Secrecy has no place in a marriage.

Well said. Your spouse is the person you tell your secrets to, not keep your secrets from ...

 

I had to laugh when I read the posts wondering if the OP's situation was real as the same thought occurred to me. Given what's been posted, I can't imagine what piece of the puzzle she thinks is missing. If one of my teenagers came home with a dent in the family car, it was pretty easy to conclude that an accident had occurred - I didn't need to be at the crash site...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell your boys WHY you are divorcing him. They need to see the REAL consequence of cheating. They are definitely old enough and they need to learn this.

versus

Please please please don't tell your boys anything. It is adult business and has nothing to do with them.

The boys are 15 and 18 years old.

 

They are definitely hold enough to learn the consequences of deceit in a relationship.

[Minnie09]

I wouldn't reveal too many details with those kids. Saying he hasn't been faithful is enough. It would be too humiliating to talk about the stds and the possible encounters with hookers. Not cool.*

 

If you, op, need any more evidence, which I personally think is totally unnecessary at this point, you gotta go in snooping mode. Given the way he acts and makes this low-class lifestyle a priority anyways, it won't take you too long to find out more details. Asking him and confrontation won't lead you anywhere. He's not your friend. He won't be honest.

[turnera]

Please please please don't tell your boys anything. It is adult business and has nothing to do with them.

It has everything to do with them, since they will now be moving because of him. He is not their father. He is the man who hurt their mom.

[turnera]

I wouldn't reveal too many details with those kids. Saying he hasn't been faithful is enough.

That's what I said - tell them he cheated.

[Crissie254]

Luckily, I pay our mortgage, so not too much will change for the boys - other than we won't have company on the weekends.

 

I haven't yet decided what to tell them - I think I will tell them he cheated (although not the gory details) because he has said to them a lot, your mom is crazy.

 

Which, I am truly truly blessed in that they don't pay much attention to that talk - the boys and I were alone for a lot of years and they know (I hope) that I am not crazy.

 

Even though I have doubted myself.

 

This gaslighting thing explains a lot to me.

[turnera]

In the 1944 thriller, “Gaslight,” Bergman plays a woman whose husband is trying to convince her she’s crazy. He makes objects disappear and claims she took them or makes the gaslights dim and brighten for no reason. All the while, he convinces her that what she believes is true (that she didn’t take the objects and the lights are dimming) is a figment of her imagination.

Since then, ‘gaslighting’ has become part of the vernacular, describing a method of psychological manipulation where the victim comes to doubt the reality of his or her own experience, much like Brooke came to doubt that her perception of Jon’s distance was real or her feelings of loss were valid.

In a gaslighting relationship, one person states his or her case with so much certainty and regularity that the victim starts to wonder if it might in fact be true. “It’s not just saying ‘I’m certain,’” says Dr. Robin Stern, psychologist and author of “The Gaslight Effect.” “It’s saying, ‘I’m certain and you don’t know what you’re talking about.’” As a result, the victim is thrown off balance. “Your own confidence and sense of reality is compromised. You can no longer find your center or have confidence in your reality.”

It’s an insidious tactic, to say the least.

Unfortunately, gaslighting can be easy to pull off when there’s an imbalance of power. The perpetrator could be a boss or parent, an idealized partner or the popular girl in high school. Even therapists can easily become the bullies, particularly when a patient feels ready to leave therapy and the therapist says, ‘You’re not ready. This is resistance.’ “Because you’ve given this person power, you have a stake in believing them,” explains Stern. You wonder, ‘Why would my mom lie to me?’ or ‘Why would my therapist mislead me?’ And slowly, you start to accept their reality.

In many cases, gaslighting is also an expression of contempt, where one partner attacks the other with an air of superiority. “Contempt is found in sarcasm, mocking and put-downs,” explains Dr. Bob Navarra, MFT, a certified Gottman couples therapist. “It’s the position that you are crazy for feeling the way you do, that there is something wrong with you.”

It’s the single biggest predictor of separation and relationship unhappiness.

Manipulative Relationships - YouBeauty.com

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

 

Freedom from Toxic People: The Gaslighting Effect

[standtall]

It has everything to do with them, since they will now be moving because of him. He is not their father. He is the man who hurt their mom.

 

The betrayed ones are always trying to drag the kids into it...to gain allies...it is never in the kids best interest. It is irrelevant if it is their father or not, it is still adult's business.