Crissie254 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Hi everyone and thanks for reading. I am a 43y/o professional and generally have good sense, except when it comes to my hub. We've been married for 6 years and I think he might be seeing someone else. In the years that we have been together, I have not been with anyone else. I have, however, been diagnosed with both genital herpes and gonorrhea. He adamently denies having been with anyone else. He works very odd hours about an hours drive from our home. As a result, he has an apartment near his work. We generally see each other on the weekends and maybe one day a week. Our finances are totally separate, so I can't really check anything there. He is very secretive with his phone - in my opinion. When he showers, he takes it in the bathroom with him and if possible, while home, he leaves it in his truck. I know I'm being dumb, but his behavior toward me hasn't changed a lot. He still talks to me, we have fun together and I enjoy doing things with him. We haven't had sex in probably 5 months (owing to a back injury he says), but (and really, I'm sorry if this is TMI) he still manscapes and things. I don't have any hard proof of anything but I just want to stop wondering. Thanks in advance for any advice you have for me. 1
Author Crissie254 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 No, I haven't been with anyone else - and I was tested prior to this relationship. I'm a healthcare professional, so a little anal retentive about these things. Also, I have questioned him, but he denies everything. I guess I always felt like when a person is asked a question face-to-face, they will tell the truth. That's why I am so confused. If he wants to sleep around, why would he stay with me? There is no financial incentive..? In response to him moving home - even when he was living at home, he had many reasons to be gone at night (hunting or called in by his work) and I don't know if his check reflects the extra hours, because we no longer have a joint account. Even when we did, though, he would cash his check and deposit a set amount in the account weekly. It is hard for me to see the truth. 1
2sunny Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Hire someone to follow him. Or take a few days off and follow his actions while he's there - without telling him. Or make a surprise visit and stay with him a few days - show up late at night. You do know where his apartment is - right?
Author Crissie254 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 I do know where his apt is. In fact, I told him today that I went by there last night around 830 and he wasn't there (he had said he was going to bed at 6pm - had to be at work at 3am). I actually had NOT been by there, and was thinking that he would say as much, but instead he said that I must have ridden by when he had gotten up and run over to McDonald's for a snack. That's what made me post this question today.
BrokenPrincess Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 The only time in my life that I've taken my phone with me to take a shower was during my entire affair. 1
Author Crissie254 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 You are so right. As I was writing it down, I'm like, 'what more proof do you need?' SERIOUSLY? Get it together!! But I always doubt myself - I really thought that we had something good. Augh. Good to know about the cell phone, too - he will not leave me alone in a room with his cell phone. Granted, I am pretty nosy, but if you don't have anything to hide, what does it matter? One more question - he is very emotionally manipulative. When I suggest that we need time apart, he tells me that I am the only thing holding him here. (His parents have both passed on) Which normally isn't so bad except that I had a very dear dear friend commit suicide and I found him. (This was 9 years ago, but still a very sensitive issue with me). I still feel somewhat responsible for my friend and don't want my husband to threaten me with suicide, me ignore it and him actually do it. 1
2sunny Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Honey - he won't commit suicide. Sop handing him so much power - get counseling to understand where you end and others begin. He hasn't been "connected" to YOU for a long time - he won't know the difference - except what excuse to give his OW when he doesn't intend to see her for weekends... He probably will just get a few MORE gals worked into his rotating schedule. He's a complete liar! He didn't go to bed early and he didn't go to McDonald's. Sop being HIS FOOL! Just call him and tell him not to other coming to your place anymore - it's over. But only call AFTER you change your locks!
Realist3 Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 You need time apart? You basically said you spend at most three days a week together. How much more apart do you need to be? Yes, the STD's are a big, HELLO! 1
96nole Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 The answer is YES! A big fat YES!! I work with several people who drive an hour to work, and an hour home everyday. They do not have an apartment near work. They go home everyday to their wives. Did I mention the answer is YEEESSSSS!!!! Has he been tested for herpes and gonorrhea? 3
Author Crissie254 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 He was tested for gonorrhea, but not herpes. He waited about 6 weeks then went to the health Dept (we have private insurance) and tested negative. I honestly think he got treated then went to the HD so he would have something to show me. Why wait? And if he really was negative, why wouldn't he be upset with me? (He is very old fashioned and I think would have gone off the deep end if I had cheated) but now just says that the Dr must have made a mistake, or that it had been incubating for a long time. 1
turnera Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I know lots of men who simply believe it's their due to get as much on the side as they can. You just found one of 'em. 1
Author Crissie254 Posted November 28, 2012 Author Posted November 28, 2012 He did show me the results. 1
2sunny Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Seems your H set up the perfect plan for his cheating. Why did you ever agree to that?
Author Crissie254 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 To him having an apt? He has a truck and it was costing a fortune in gas. Says now he wants to come home, but is in a lease. I think he lied, too, about how much the apt was so it seemed like a better deal than if was. Anyway, he told me this last New Years - and when he did, he had already signed the lease. That's actually how I found out - he wrote a check for the deposit out of our joint account.
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 No, I haven't been with anyone else - and I was tested prior to this relationship. I'm a healthcare professional, so a little anal retentive about these things. Also, I have questioned him, but he denies everything. I guess I always felt like when a person is asked a question face-to-face, they will tell the truth. That's why I am so confused. If he wants to sleep around, why would he stay with me? There is no financial incentive..? In response to him moving home - even when he was living at home, he had many reasons to be gone at night (hunting or called in by his work) and I don't know if his check reflects the extra hours, because we no longer have a joint account. Even when we did, though, he would cash his check and deposit a set amount in the account weekly. It is hard for me to see the truth. Ohhhhhhhh.............:lmao:....you would think.... I'll never forget confronting my wife of 14 years, 18 total together, and watching the most amazing performance I've ever seen. She couldn't even talk when I started reading her a facebook conversation off her laptop. She had to wait until a counseling session to basically tell me what I already knew by then...leaving out or telling more lies about stuff I still wanted to know. Wayward spouses (WSs) have a LOT of fear and they lie, lie, lie; they don't have the courage to face what they've done. They claim it's for your benefit...but no, it's for their benefit. The lies are actually the most damaging thing of all, if only WSs could get that. Unfortunately they don't, and cheaters lie. Believe what you see, not what you hear. 4
Steen719 Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone and thanks for reading. I am a 43y/o professional and generally have good sense, except when it comes to my hub. We've been married for 6 years and I think he might be seeing someone else. In the years that we have been together, I have not been with anyone else. I have, however, been diagnosed with both genital herpes and gonorrhea. He adamently denies having been with anyone else. He works very odd hours about an hours drive from our home. As a result, he has an apartment near his work. We generally see each other on the weekends and maybe one day a week. Our finances are totally separate, so I can't really check anything there. He is very secretive with his phone - in my opinion. When he showers, he takes it in the bathroom with him and if possible, while home, he leaves it in his truck. I know I'm being dumb, but his behavior toward me hasn't changed a lot. He still talks to me, we have fun together and I enjoy doing things with him. We haven't had sex in probably 5 months (owing to a back injury he says), but (and really, I'm sorry if this is TMI) he still manscapes and things. I don't have any hard proof of anything but I just want to stop wondering. Thanks in advance for any advice you have for me. This makes me feel like crying for you. You really cannot think that he is not cheating, can you? You have STDs that you did not have when you got marriedNo sex for 5 monthskeeps an apartment for only a one hour drive each way to workHides his phoneNot home when you said you came by and then said you happened to show when he was at McDonalds? really? Crissie - he is cheating on you as sure as the day is long. Him lying to your face is typical of cheaters. I know how you think and feel about that, but most of us here have had that experience. I asked my XH if he had called the OW on his way home (after I told him I knew he had been talking to her) and he said no - I said are you sure? He said I did not call her. What an idiot. He knew that I had looked at the bill and saw he was calling her and still thought he could lie and I wouldn't know? I just looked at the bill online as he came home. The call was right there. I said "well, how about that? It says on the bill that you called her and talked for 45 minutes" and his reply was that he had to warn her that I knew. Piece of big, fat, juicy crap that he was, he just looked straight at me and lied. CHEATERS LIE. Never doubt that. I don't think you need proof, but if you do, then do as Sunny suggested and follow him, get someone to follow him, get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car - something - and find out to reassure yourself that he is indeed cheating and then tell him to stay at his apartment with his girlfriend and get rid of him. You have no kids, right? Move on and find a man who has the same morals and ethics that you do. Sorry for your pain. Edited November 29, 2012 by Steen719 3
Author Crissie254 Posted November 29, 2012 Author Posted November 29, 2012 Guys, thank you so much for your advice and kind words. In my heart, I know what he is doing I just didn't want to believe it. I guess it boggles my mind that he would continue to bother with me if he wanted this other life.
2sure Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 You know he is cheating, you know he has given you diseases. Now are You just curious, do you want proof to show him, do you want it to stop, or what?
2sure Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 Oh, never mind, forgot about my ignore button. X
Tenacity Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I am sorry for what you are going through. I can understand how you would want other people to help validate what you know you are seeing... sometimes when you are right in the middle of it, it can be very hard to see (or accept). Hugs to you - I hope you do what is right for you. 1
turnera Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) Guys, thank you so much for your advice and kind words. In my heart, I know what he is doing I just didn't want to believe it. I guess it boggles my mind that he would continue to bother with me if he wanted this other life. Male cheaters, IME, want BOTH women - one to meet his domestic needs/replace his mother (lucky you!), and one to be the hot sexy dominatrix or slutty schoolgirl, or whatever he's into. Getting an apartment for sex...perfect double life. Women, on the other hand, build up great fantasies of them in their new life with their new Alpha man who they believe really wants her, when all he really wants is some strange and to use her if she's dumb enough. They are the ones who have to leave to 'find their space' (meaning give OM a place to screw them or he'll leave her). Edited November 29, 2012 by turnera 1
BetrayedH Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 As you probably know, like 80% of the populace has a form of herpes and doesn't know it. I got it from my parents, as many people do. But that doesn't explain gonorrea. Seems pretty cut and dry to me. But as most people do, I suspect you want more proof than what you have. I recommend buying a GPS for his truck. They're about $200 and you can find them at a "Spy" store. Put it in his truck for a week and the next week (or whenever you pull it) you can see on Google Maps where he went. I caught my wife at a hotel on the first download. Of course, now that I think about it, he probably just uses the apartment. A voice activated recorder (VAR) or two is probably best. One for the truck (velcro under the steering column or under his seat) and one for the apartment and I'll bet you'll be left with no doubts. Wayward spouses are notorious for "gaslighting" their betrayed spouses. I read once where a woman had walked in on her husband during the act and was eventually convinced that she hadn't seen them having sex. Next thing you know, your H will have your family believing that you got the STDs by cheating yourself and you'll be wondering if you got it from a toilet seat. Get undeniable proof for your own state of mind. Most states won't care about infidelity during a divorce but even some of those allow it to be considered when determining child custody and/or alimony. Divorces can get nasty and it's best to have this kind of stuff than to not have it.
BetrayedH Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I also agree with Turnera. Many cheating men have no interest in leaving their wives. The wives meet a need (probably many of their needs). But they want more. They don't want to leave their wife (most especially since it would be big time drama for their reputation) but they do want a little hottie on the side. He doesn't want you to know because he doesn't want anything to change. 2
turnera Posted November 29, 2012 Posted November 29, 2012 I know 3 men personally who regularly look for some on the side and are utterly unapologetic about it. "It's what we do."
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