Got closure today, maybe you can too

[Samms22]

Hey guys-

 

I just want to say that over the last 3 weeks this forum has been an invaluable resource. Thank you to everyone who posts here and who have helped me move on. I'm writing this update so that lurkers, heart-broken people and cheatees (people who've been cheated on) can have a success story.

 

I saw my ex on campus today and we decided to talk to each other. We left things off in a very bad state. It was an awful break-up, with her parents even threatening a restraining order after I said some hurtful things to her and handling the break up in the worse way possible after I found out she was cheating.

 

We hashed things out. She began to cry and even said she missed me. We went over the entire relationship -- who did what, who hurt who, and worked on some details. I had an epiphany after talking with her: we had nothing in common. A 9 month relationship -- and we had NOTHING in common! It was a relationship where she began it completely infatuated with me and I "endured", because I found the constant admiration and attention endearing and it gave me security. I had a gut feeling things were going to go sour and I ignored it. My ex completely changed her being and who she was, just like glue, to fit me, and it wasn't who she was. It tore her apart and I didn't even mean it to happen that way. If I said blue, she said blue, if I asked her about red, she would ask me if I liked red. Tit for tat.

 

After talking I realized how right everyone on this forum is and was: She has "GIGS": she's now with a complete loser with no ambition who is into weed and has no drive or ambition. She's now going to begin smoking weed and doing drugs. She got her nose pierced. She completely changed herself after the break-up. She was holding a lot of "herself" and her values back because of the infatuation. She now has to pay 1,000 dollars rent instead of 500 because she chose to cheat on me.

 

Instead of telling me her feelings were going away in the relationship, or telling me what I was doing that pissed her off, she internalized everything and lied as a defensive mechanism. She is and was a pathological liar. It's just so striking because you think you know someone and you put them on a pedestal: for the longest time I thought that she only thought I was attractive and didn't think ANY other guys were good looking... I thought she was special. Well, stupid Samms, she's human and she lied about the whole thing: so asking her questions like do you think about other guys, and her saying no, was just causing her to feel guilty. I've learned that you never ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, because even if you hear it, the other person is most likely lying and they feel guilty because of it.

 

Here's also what I've learned, and maybe this can help other people reading: I've matured. I've learned the power of words and not to say anything I don't mean, i.e. no game playing. I've learned that girls who are infatuated with you don't last as meaningful relationships because they give up what they themselves are just for you... and let's be honest, who wants to live that way?

 

After talking with her I also realized that she is in trouble and she is MISERABLE. Anyone who is reading these boards looking for meaning about WHY someone cheats and WHY someone leaves, listen to this: I had SO MUCH guilt after the break up that I thought I deserved to be cheated on. She admitted I was an amazing boyfriend and that my flaws were slight, but that she was too weak to tell me that she was young, 20, and that we moved too fast, so she cheated.

 

People who are pining and missing people who have cheated on them take heart, if this makes you feel better: they have sewn their own personal hell and they are living it, no matter how much comfort they derive from their rebound.

 

Long story short: Get to know someone before committing. Let me know if you guys have any questions and thanks.

[LostOne1]

glad you got closure and know what to look for next time.

 

I don't know about the infatuated part though.. my ex was crazy about me and always went out of her way to do things for me. Though maybe you could be right too. My ex told me after the BU she doesn't want what we have anymore.. she wants to be selfish now and only care about herself. Which was hard to hear, because she was NEVER selfish with me. She cared more about me at times then herself. Maybe you're right... these types of relationships don't last? I still feel it would have lasted if I did more for her. I think when I met her I was infatuated with her. then over time I calmed down and didn't do as much.

 

And I agree I think cheaters do feel guilt, maybe my ex feels that too if she cheated. They know they had a life with you and they were the one to tear it apart to be with someone else. So the guilt hurts a bit.

[denxnis]

Man this hits the nail on the head, thank you.

[Samms22]

glad you got closure and know what to look for next time.

 

I don't know about the infatuated part though.. my ex was crazy about me and always went out of her way to do things for me. Though maybe you could be right too. My ex told me after the BU she doesn't want what we have anymore.. she wants to be selfish now and only care about herself. Which was hard to hear, because she was NEVER selfish with me. She cared more about me at times then herself. Maybe you're right... these types of relationships don't last? I still feel it would have lasted if I did more for her. I think when I met her I was infatuated with her. then over time I calmed down and didn't do as much.

 

And I agree I think cheaters do feel guilt, maybe my ex feels that too if she cheated. They know they had a life with you and they were the one to tear it apart to be with someone else. So the guilt hurts a bit.

 

Yes, that's almost word for word what my ex said to me. They almost have a pathology. She said she was "giving everything to me" and "not being selfish" despite me never having asked for this weird type of arrangement. They can't have a balance -- it's either infatuation or negation. That is, they're either head over heels and when this wears off, they seek the attention of other men because of low-self esteem.