Jump to content

We're over for good. I'm heartbroken.


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I need some guidance as I am beyond heartbroken..If any of you read my other thread which is on the LDR board I didn't get a lot of responses so I just need some advice and guidance.

 

Background: My ex boyfriend and I were long distance friends for 3 years. I had a boyfriend, there was always a physical attraction there though. When I broke up with my boyfriend him and I started hanging out and hooking up. In May 2012 we became official. Everything was...perfect. He was loving, sweet, caring, everything I could want from a boyfriend. Not to mention my best friend in the world. He started his last year at university in September ( I am graduated university working at my hometown). The first month he was there was fine, in Oct. we started arguing a lot about a past thing that happened with a girl. He began to struggle with school a bit, which is understandable because he has panic disorder and generalized anxiety which affects him greatly. I knew this going in.

 

Anyways in the beginning of November, it was his birthday. Everything was going great. The week after we made plans to hang out. He drove 2 hours to see me, and when I got in the car he told me we needed to talk and he wasn't happy with anything anymore, that he didn't know what made him happy and he needed to be alone. I was devastated to say the least. I got out of the car and then texted him, begging him to come back so we could talk. He did. We were on our way to his apartment. I was asking questions like "when did your feelings change? do you still love me?" and he became so emotional and saying "I don't know!!" he had to pull over and he called his parents. His parents ended up meeting him at his apartment they were so worried. Anyways after he talked to them he came back and said that he was happy with me he was just stressed. We talked that entire night and we worked everything out. I encouraged him to go to counseling and he agreed.

 

For the next week things were better than ever. He told me he was so happy he had me and how thankful he was, how he loved me so so much and that breaking up with me was a mistake. I went to visit him the week after the break up, drove down and we had a great night. The next morning as I was leaving he said he felt down. We were talking and I mentioned I was so happy he wanted to be with me and not because he didn't want to hurt me. He began to cry, and I automatically knew why. Basically he only got back together with me because he didn't want to hurt me, he said his feelings had changed for me. So he lied to me. That hurt so so much.

 

Anyways we have been broken up for a week. He still wants to be friends. He will text me "How was work today, how are you doing" pretty much everyday. I thought this was a sign maybe things could work out, but yesterday I had a talk with him and basically he said he doesn't feel the same for me as he had before but he still cares. So he isn't in love with me anymore, which is so strange because just a month ago we were so so happy together it was perfect even talking about marriage and moving in together.

 

He also told me he isn't writing his exams this term because he cannot concentrate and he has to go back for another whole year at school next year. I do feel terrible for him, I wish I knew what was wrong with him but I also am so angry he hurt me so bad and blindsided me. I had to delete him off fb, twitter, bbm and everything yesterday. He dropped off some of my things just now and he said "so we can still talk sometimes?" I can't do it. It felt so cold, though. He really doesn't care.

 

I'm so heartbroken it's unbelievable. It doesn't help I am so lonely, I have no friends here and he was my best friend and I miss him so much :( ....how can I get over the heartbreak? I want him back so bad but I realize now it's never going to happen. He changed into a completely different person..

Posted

3yrs is he same with me and my ex.

 

I was going through the same thing as you. I had no friends or anything. She was my best friend, I told her all my secrets and problems. My good and bad times were all shared with her. So I know the feeling of being lonely. I feel that today too. I have some family and my old friends came back to me. But even then, I still feel the pain and loss.

 

You just want them back so bad, you want to find a way to talk it out with them and make them feel the love again.

 

You wonder how they went from loving you so much and just being crazy about you and having fun with you. To being cold, uncaring, negative and mean. It shocks you so much.. you wonder what happened and how can someone do a 360 flip just like that....

 

And sadly.. I personally have no answers for those questions. I guess what I always hear is people DO change. And this change makes their feelings change too.

 

My guess could be that your ex is either seeing or wants to see someone else. Or the stress is so bad right now for him... that he can't handle a relationship. I have been there actually where I was so stressed, struggling in school and felt down. So I also stopped putting in effort in my relationship too. And my ex didn't see that.. she just saw me as being lazy or not trying. But little did she see that I was depressed inside or I just wasn't myself. And that I needed help to get back to who I was when she met me.

 

But regardless.. there isn't much you can do. If I were you, I'd keep any form of contact with him to none now. Otherwise it will hurt much more. I kept LC with my ex and it made things worse for me, as I didn't heal properly. In fact I've been re-struggling this week I guess I have relasped and the pain is back all over again.

 

My only advise is that we both have to move on. It sucks, because we don't understand how someone changes their feelings, or how they can maintain it. My ex did tell me at one point that she STILL had feelings, but that I kept pushing her away. I don't know if it's true, but I guess it's good to know part of her inside somewhere is hurting too. She just has a high ego to not really admit it normally.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for responding.

 

The first little while was rough. I was like a lost puppy around him, demanding answers to questions he couldn't answer. Basically his reasoning for dumping me was that he is in the process of a mental breakdown and doesn't know what makes him happy anymore, including me I guess. I asked him just yesterday if the break up was forever and he responded "I don't know how I'm going to feel in the future I feel the same as I did before." but he will still text/fb me everyday, agree to hang out sometime soon and he agreed to still have sex with me. I know that's dumb but I'm hoping in the back of my mind maybe feelings will spark again.

 

I've finally accepted the fact that we probably will never get back together, but I am trying my hardest to be his friend and still be there for him and it's working well except when I discuss feelings, then he kind of ignores the comment. I just don't know how even a month ago he was talking about marrying me and he could never leave me and then bam - I get dumped and he has a "mental breakdown". He says there is no other woman and I do believe him because I have his fb password (I know that is so stupid - but I check it still sometimes.....)

 

I just want him to realize what he lost. Despite everything he has done to hurt me I still wanna be there for him wholeheartedly. I care about him so much. It's like he's become a different person :(

Posted

I'm going to tell you what you don't want to hear, but you really should talk to him anymore, and you guys defiantly should not have sex. That is just going to make things worse.

 

My ex was the same way, her feelings changed for me, and it seemed like it was out of no where. She came back after about a month and we pretty much got back together, but she still said her feelings had changed and things just weren't the same anymore. Trust me, I know how much it sucks.

 

Unfortunately, as much as you want to continue to talk to him and hang out with him, it will only suck you into a black hole and make things much harder for you (and probably easier for him). Of course he still wants to have you around to talk to and sleep with, but if he doesn't have feelings anymore, where is that going to lead you? I would hate for you to continue with that for a couple of months, then have him realize he wants to bang another girl and you are left all alone to pick up the pieces.

 

Trust me, from experience, it is better to just completely let go. I wish I had done that and not gotten sucked back into that black hole, it just made things harder for me in the long run when it didn't work out.

 

He needs time to figure himself out and even though you want to be there for him, you can't and shouldn't be.

 

Hell, I don't know how your situation or mine will play out. I have never had someone that was in love with me say that their feelings changed, so like you I am new to this. Will they ever feel the same way about you again, like they used to when you dated? Who knows, but I finally had to make the decision to stop torturing myself in self-pity and begin the long process of moving on.

 

I can honestly say that right now I would do anything in the world to have my ex come back and let us try again. But it wouldn't be the best thing for either of us. My state of mind right now wants her back more than anything. My goal is to progress and move on with my own life. Maybe at some point down the line, she will come back and decide things have changed and she made a mistake. Then, I will hopefully have a clear mind and be able to determine what I want.

 

But what if she doesn't? If you told me right now that the girl I loved for 2 years will never contact me again and I would never see her again, or she moved on to another boyfriend, I would be crushed. But my goal is to move on with my life so eventually I am indifferent about the situation. Maybe by then, I will realize she wasn't the one for me. You can only truly evaluate a relationship when you have stepped away from it and taken all emotions out of play.

 

I know its not what you want to hear, but from experience, I'm telling you, you shouldn't get involved anymore. Move on with your own life and try and shed any hope you have, and let nature play its course.

Posted
Thanks for responding.

 

The first little while was rough. I was like a lost puppy around him, demanding answers to questions he couldn't answer. Basically his reasoning for dumping me was that he is in the process of a mental breakdown and doesn't know what makes him happy anymore, including me I guess. I asked him just yesterday if the break up was forever and he responded "I don't know how I'm going to feel in the future I feel the same as I did before." but he will still text/fb me everyday, agree to hang out sometime soon and he agreed to still have sex with me. I know that's dumb but I'm hoping in the back of my mind maybe feelings will spark again.

 

I've finally accepted the fact that we probably will never get back together, but I am trying my hardest to be his friend and still be there for him and it's working well except when I discuss feelings, then he kind of ignores the comment. I just don't know how even a month ago he was talking about marrying me and he could never leave me and then bam - I get dumped and he has a "mental breakdown". He says there is no other woman and I do believe him because I have his fb password (I know that is so stupid - but I check it still sometimes.....)

 

I just want him to realize what he lost. Despite everything he has done to hurt me I still wanna be there for him wholeheartedly. I care about him so much. It's like he's become a different person :(

 

Sweetie, how can he realize what he lost when he's still getting everything he wants from you? He gets to dump you and yet STILL be able to bang you and have you there to support him when it's convenient for him? And all he has to do is throw you a bone in the form of an email? Damn, if I were a guy I would say sign me up.

 

Now pick your pride up off the floor and stop being a doormat. :mad: He DUMPED YOU. It's not your fault if he can't handle his issues like a damn adult. I have panic attacks and GAD, too, but I sure as hell didn't use my boyfriends as emotional tampons.

 

Tell him you know and are using his FB password and tell him to change it. And then leave him be. Do not give him your body. He doesn't deserve either it or your love if he's willing to throw you away.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Sweetie, how can he realize what he lost when he's still getting everything he wants from you? He gets to dump you and yet STILL be able to bang you and have you there to support him when it's convenient for him? And all he has to do is throw you a bone in the form of an email? Damn, if I were a guy I would say sign me up.

 

Now pick your pride up off the floor and stop being a doormat. :mad: He DUMPED YOU. It's not your fault if he can't handle his issues like a damn adult. I have panic attacks and GAD, too, but I sure as hell didn't use my boyfriends as emotional tampons.

 

Tell him you know and are using his FB password and tell him to change it. And then leave him be. Do not give him your body. He doesn't deserve either it or your love if he's willing to throw you away.

 

 

You're right, thank you so much for the reply. I wasn't thinking straight and holding on to hope that wasn't there. He has messaged me everyday "Hi how are you?" Until saturday morning where I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that the friendship had to end. I said "I wish you all the best in your life"

 

He replied: "I didn't want things to end like this...Us being friends is up to you but you're always going to be my friend no matter what. And I'll always be willing to talk. But if this is really the end, then thank you for everything. And I'm truly sorry about everything I've done to hurt you. And I wish you the best too" I didn't answer.We haven't talked since.

 

I'm just wondering what to think of his reply. My friends say he is trying to "save face" and make it seem like he is the good guy for trying to be friends still. But he is the one who really did want to continue being friends, not me. But I tried and realized it's impossible.

×
×
  • Create New...